Chapter Eleven
Six weeks after Shanghai and in Italy for a meeting, Archimedes came back to his Roman residence—a palazzo just outside the city—to find Zoe sitting cross-legged on the sofa, her attention on her laptop.
As always, it gave him immense satisfaction to see her in any of his houses, because she always looked as if she belonged there, as if this was her home as much as it was his.
Things between them had been better after Shanghai.
Since she’d agreed to stay with him, the burning in his heart had eased, and he was able to stay on top of his possessiveness and jealousy.
He still berated himself for his slip in forgetting the condom, but he found he wasn’t as upset about it as he’d thought.
A certain fatalism had gripped him in that moment, because it had happened and nothing could change that, regardless of what he wanted.
But it had been Zoe’s response that had truly affected him.
She’d looked up at him with fear in her eyes, reminding him of the contract they’d signed with Banks, and the ramifications of having to give their child up.
He’d thought he’d still be fine at the thought of having Banks bring up their son or daughter, that all he’d need to do to ease her fear was to say a few soothing words, give her a few kisses.
But he wasn’t fine and he knew she needed more than that. She deserved more than that. So he’d told her that if she was pregnant, they’d find a way around Banks’s demands. That he would take care of her and the baby, and he meant it. He wouldn’t leave her alone, couldn’t leave her alone, not now.
Of course, then she’d had to go and mention love, and since he couldn’t bring himself to lie to her, he’d ignored her question instead.
She hadn’t brought up his lack of answer since, so he’d let it lie.
His answer wouldn’t change anyway. Love was not something he could afford to indulge in even if he wanted to.
Archimedes walked down the long, light salon that ran down one side of the palazzo and sat in the armchair opposite Zoe on the sofa, watching her fingers fly across the keys.
‘Hi, honey, I’m home,’ he said.
‘Clearly.’ She didn’t look up.
He leaned his elbow on the arm of the chair and rested his head in his hand. ‘What are you doing?’
‘I keep finding flaws in your supposedly impregnable firewall.’
He laughed, unable to help himself. ‘More? I really need to talk to my developers.’
‘You should.’ She hit a few more keys. ‘They’ve been kind of lazy.’
‘You really should be working for me,’ he said. ‘I could use you.’
‘No, thanks. I’m going to set up my own company, remember?’
Oh, he remembered. He was still a little jealous of her idea.
‘Why didn’t you ever do that sooner?’ he asked without thinking. ‘You can’t tell me Banks didn’t pay you enough. Or did he do something to make you stay?’
Her fingers paused on the keyboard. ‘I felt sorry for him,’ she said after a moment. ‘He’s alone, with no family or friends, and he’s the only father figure I ever had. I couldn’t leave him.’
A familiar, tight feeling ached behind his ribs. She was so very loyal, giving that loyalty freely even when the person she’d given it to didn’t deserve it.
‘I don’t understand,’ he said. ‘He ran his own mini crime empire for years, using kids as his foot soldiers, and then he told you that I’d just left without saying goodbye. That kind of man doesn’t deserve anyone’s loyalty.’
‘Who appointed you the judge of what people deserve?’ she asked, a sudden sharp edge in her voice.
‘We’re all flawed, Demon. We all have our weaknesses, just as we all have our strengths.
Anyway, Banks left behind the black hat stuff years ago.
He’s been hiring out his services and mine as online security consultants. ’
Archimedes shifted in his chair, restless again in a way he hadn’t been for weeks.
You don’t like that she’s right. Especially since you’ve been trying to overcome your flaws for years.
He shifted yet again, not liking that thought either. He hadn’t been ‘trying’. He’d done it. He’d overcome his many, many weaknesses and while he’d had a few issues with Zoe, he didn’t think they would persist. Not now she was his permanently.
‘I see,’ he said. ‘What changed his mind?’
‘I did.’ She looked back down at her keyboard. ‘I told him I would leave if he didn’t stop stealing from people. So he did.’
Archimedes stared at her lovely face, her silky black eyelashes veiling her gaze.
‘He must have loved you,’ he said. ‘There’s no other reason he’d give that up.’
‘No,’ she said. ‘He just loved my skills.’
Something stilled inside him, caught by the faintest echo of pain in her voice. ‘What makes you say that?’ he asked.
She didn’t stop typing, nor did she look at him. ‘I mean, what else would he have loved?’
A little shock went through him, a small bright arrow of pain. Did she really think that about herself? That her hacking skills were all there was to her?
You know that’s what she thinks. She’s been left and abandoned by everyone she loves.
Oh, he was well aware. And it explained why she’d stayed, because she wouldn’t want to do to anyone else what had been done to her.
The pain inside him deepened. It made him angry that she had so little regard for herself when she was intelligent, loyal, generous and funny.
‘I can think of a few things,’ he said, again without thinking.
Her head came up and she met his gaze, and he could see hurt as clear as day in her eyes.
‘Zoe?’ He leaned forward in sudden concern. ‘What’s wrong?’
She looked away but not before he saw the telltale glint of tears in her eyes, and instantly every part of him tightened.
‘What is it?’ He shoved himself from the armchair and crossed the distance between them. ‘What’s happened?’
Her expression was tight. ‘Don’t say things you don’t mean. Oh, and by the way, you’ll be very pleased to know that I’m not pregnant after all.’
For a second he couldn’t quite take in why she was talking about pregnancy when they’d been talking about her.
Time has been passing, remember?
Of course it had. But for the first time in his life, he’d tried not to be aware of it. Tried not to think about it. And now there was a hollow feeling inside him, as if the sun had gone behind a cloud and the room had darkened a little.
Madness. He couldn’t have actually wanted her to be pregnant, could he?
You do. You know you do.
The thought wound through him as he stared down at her small figure, cross-legged and self-contained on the sofa, her gaze on her screen.
Not looking at him. Very determinedly not looking at him.
She’d wanted it, hadn’t she? She’d wanted his child.
And he did too. He couldn’t run from the knowledge any more.
He had to admit it to himself. He wanted their child and he wanted her.
A tear slipped down her cheek, and he couldn’t stand it any more. He bent down and took the laptop away from her, before sitting down beside her on the sofa. Then he turned her face towards him, and yes, there were the tears and the disappointment.
‘Zoe,’ he murmured, stroking her cheek. ‘Star, please…’
She remained sitting stiffly, tears slipping down her cheeks. Not hiding herself from him or hiding her feelings.
‘I know you don’t want kids, Archimedes. But I do.’
‘Then let’s have them,’ he said, knowing the moment the words were out of his mouth that he couldn’t say no to her, not about this. ‘We could have one, two, as many as you like.’
She looked at him, not giving him the lovely Zoe smile he’d expected, not giving him anything at all. ‘This was never your choice, Demon. You’re only saying that because I’m disappointed, not because you actually want kids.’
‘That’s not true,’ he said. ‘I want your child. Our child.’
‘But you wouldn’t have wanted that if we’d used protection back in Shanghai, would you?’
He wished he could deny it, tell her she was wrong, but she wasn’t. If they’d used protection he would never have even considered it.
‘But we didn’t use protection.’ He stroked away a tear with his thumb. ‘And it’s my choice now.’
But she pulled away from him, looking down at her hands. ‘You never answered my question back in Shanghai. When I asked you about love.’
Instantly he stiffened. ‘What about it?’
Her gaze came back to his. ‘Having children includes love, Archimedes. Having a family includes love.’
The hollow sensation in his stomach increased. He’d been hoping she’d forgotten about the question she’d asked him, but of course she hadn’t.
‘What are you asking?’ A stupid question because he knew what she was asking. Exactly what she was asking.
‘You have to love children,’ she said. ‘You have to.’
‘Why?’ Another stupid question. ‘No one loved me.’
‘That’s a lie.’ Somehow, her voice had become firmer, the look in her eyes steadier. ‘I loved you, Archimedes.’
Of course she loved you. How did you not know?
Because no one else had ever loved him, so why should he know? His father had let him go and his mother had abandoned him. The only person who’d ever wanted him had been Banks and he’d always been clear that was only because of his skills.
But not Zoe. She’d loved him for who he was, loved the boy he’d once been. Except…he wasn’t that boy now and he’d never be that boy again.
There was a pain in his heart, a deep, acute ache.
Yes, he knew all too well what she was asking him, just as he knew what he was offering her was not what she wanted.
And he couldn’t give it—he couldn’t. He didn’t know what love felt like, but he knew that it was powerful, that it would end up controlling him if he let it.
And he would let it, because that was what happened when he let his emotions get the better of him.
He couldn’t allow that, not even for children of his own.
What kind of father would you be? You’d be Banks or, worse, your own father.