Chapter Nine #3
Lily’s gaze skittered away from his and he saw her swallow. ‘What about your mother? Was she happy to have married him at last? To move to England?’
‘I don’t know if it was true about other women, but from what I saw they were happy,’ he said huskily.
Every visit in the early years, there had been laughter.
‘I think if he’d had the courage, Dad would have moved to Italy, but he couldn’t find it.
And as I got older, she wanted better opportunities for me. ’
‘Ones that could be found with Hearnshawe.’
He nodded. ‘She encouraged Dad to work on those safety designs. She believed in him. Her father was a test driver who crashed when she was in her teens. She knew about other accidents. She was particularly paranoid about racing in the rain.’ He drew in a difficult breath. ‘Her father had died in the rain.’
‘Oh no.’ Lily wrapped her arms around herself. ‘No wonder you were stressed during the storm in qualifying the other day.’
‘And when you were on the track. I know you think I overreacted, but it hit old wounds.’
‘Your parents’ accident.’
‘Mine, too.’ Massimo lifted his hand to show her the scars on either side of his forearm. ‘Shattered both ulna and radius. The bone broke through the skin.’
‘It must’ve been painful.’
The physical pain hadn’t been enough. He’d deserved so much more.
‘It was a private practice karting session. I was spoiled enough to have them all the time. Mum phoned and flipped out about the weather but I was arrogant enough to think I could master it and angry at her interference. We argued, I hung up on her, determined to prove her wrong. But on track I lost focus, spun out and flipped. I was thrown from the kart and landed badly. Crushed a couple of ribs as well as the arm. But they weren’t life-altering injuries.
Aside from the scar, I’ve no permanent damage.
I recovered full physical strength after a couple of months. ’
‘And raced again?’
‘No,’ he whispered. ‘I didn’t know that Mum was so upset she’d decided to come to the track to stop me. Dad got in the car, too. It wasn’t a long trip but a driver coming the other way skidded onto their side of the road. There was nothing they could have done.’
‘Their accident was that same day?’ Lily paled.
Their accident was his fault entirely. He stepped forward, taking hold of the barrier blocking off the viewing area.
‘I was in the hospital waiting for surgery, waiting for my parents to come and say I told you so. Instead, my grandfather arrived and informed me that my parents’ bodies had just been brought into the morgue.
Then he told me I would never be a driver for Hearnshawe.
I would never fulfil my father’s ambition.
I would never be a winner. As if I cared at that point.
’ He gripped the rail more tightly. ‘But he was right. I would never race again.’
‘You made a vow,’ she murmured.
Right.
She gently covered his hand with hers. ‘You were only a child, Massimo.’
‘I was thirteen.’ Old enough and it was no excuse.
He didn’t relax. He couldn’t. ‘My grandfather was right about several things. I was hot-headed. I was wilful and impetuous. I shouldn’t have been out there that day and certainly not after Mum told me not to.
But I was defiant and angry. There’s no room for emotion on track.
Everyone makes mistakes when emotions are engaged. ’
He was better off without them. He’d made mistake after mistake until he’d learned that keeping cool, calm, remote was everything. Emotions had to be controlled. Dealt with later—or ideally never at all. Just thinking about this had his stomach churning and cold sweat of regret slicking his skin.
‘You were left with him. Your grandfather.’
‘As I was all that was left, he became determined to make me into the man he’d failed to make my father into.
I let him. I got disciplined, got grades, learned everything I could from him about the business.
Because I’d decided I would do all the things my father had wanted to do at Hearnshawe.
I would enact the reforms he’d dreamed of.
I decided to take everything from my grandfather and I did.
I took revenge for the way he’d treated my father for all those years. ’
‘So it’s true you locked him out of the premises?’
‘It was billed as a ruthless takeover of the entire operation that destroyed the man, but while I did lock him out, it was only from the factory. He still had his home and several millions. It was time for him to enjoy those, retire and live well rather than slowly grinding Hearnshawe into dust.’
‘Did he ever forgive you for it?’
‘When he saw the sales figures, I got a call inviting me to dinner. I didn’t go.’
‘Did you ever forgive him?’
‘No. And while I’ll never race for Hearnshawe, a Costa now does, which is an unintended bonus that made the old bastard deeply unhappy.
’ He stiffened, taking his hand from under hers and turning to make sure she understood.
‘That’s not why I brought Emiliano to England.
If he wanted to stop racing tomorrow, that’d be fine.
I won’t let anyone take advantage of him, including myself. ’
‘I know that. I know you care about him.’
Right. He’d helped Emiliano. He would help her child, too. He could set him up in the same way.
‘Do you think it was really revenge on your grandfather, or are you trying to make reparations to your parents?’
He slowly blinked, confused.
‘You’ve done all the things your father had wanted to do in the company,’ she elaborated. ‘You look after Emiliano for your mother. You want to make them both proud.’
‘But I can’t,’ he argued hoarsely. They were dead because of him. ‘I destroyed so much.’ There was more that he could never, ever make right.
‘Mum was pregnant.’ The words slipped from him in a breathless slide of agony.
‘They’d not told anyone, but that morning they told me I’d be getting a baby brother.
Mum was so happy but I was so self-involved, all I wanted was to get to the track so I could practice, and I didn’t give a damn about that or bother checking the weather forecast.’
‘Massimo.’ She moved closer and gripped his hands. ‘You can’t blame yourself.’
Of course he could. What he couldn’t do was change what had happened.
Her eyes were huge and soft. He bent his head to avoid them, appalled as emotion overwhelmed him. He clamped every muscle in his body, stopping the shaking. Stopping the feeling.
‘I’m so sorry you lost your parents,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry you never got your brother.’
She leaned against him and he stiffened even more.
But she just rested against him—not with all of her weight, but all of her warmth.
She simply stayed close so that in this moment, as memory burned, he was not alone.
All he could do was breathe. Slowly, the intense horror sank back down—a bedrock of remorse buried so deep in his gut that he could never get rid of it.
He had no right to even want to—the recklessness of that day was something he would live with forever.
Lily had lost a brother, too. She’d lost her whole life when her family had rejected her. So she knew there was nothing to say to make it better.
But the difference was his brother’s death was his fault. The child hadn’t even had the chance to live. He couldn’t make those kinds of mistakes again.
He clenched his muscles and stepped back from her. ‘We should get back to the hotel.’
She nodded and said nothing. He was a jerk. This was supposed to have been a relaxing sightseeing trip. A chance to see a little of Singapore before they had to go home, and he’d just dumped his emotional baggage all over her.
‘I’ll order dinner,’ he said the second they got back to the villa.
He walked to the hotel reception completely unnecessarily, to make the order and wait for it. When he got back she was at the table, writing in her fat notebook.
He set the containers on the table. ‘Is it a diary?’
‘You think I’m pouring my feelings onto paper?’ Her smile was teasing but wariness lingered in her eyes.
He shook his head slowly. No, she kept them to herself. The only time he had any idea where he stood with her was when they were in bed. She flipped the notebook so he could see the pages. The graph paper was filled with sketches, equations, notes, reminders.
‘You make notes on the cars?’
‘You were right,’ she said. ‘I can’t work in a garage when I’m enormous.
I’ll tip over. So I’m going to design racing cars and by that I don’t mean choose the livery colour scheme.
’ She shot him a teasing smile. ‘I want to study engineering. I have to do a bridging course first, so it’s going to take a while, but I’m going to do it. ’
‘I believe you.’ He had no doubt that one day people would pay millions to get their hands on her notebook. But she was talking about years of study. Especially if she did it part-time. The realisation pleased him immeasurably.
‘You can do all your internships at Hearnshawe,’ he said huskily. ‘Whichever division you want. We have all the toys. I can help.’
‘I know. Thank you.’
He gaped. This was a major breakthrough.
The first glimmer of acceptance that their futures were entwined.
Had it come only about because he’d told her about his parents?
Had he manipulated her—albeit unintentionally?
He never should have burdened her with the detail of his mother’s pregnancy.
No one had ever needed to know the depths of that pain.
He’d not done it to try to convince her to accept him.
Honestly, he still didn’t know how it had spilled out. Suddenly hot, his skin prickled.
‘Don’t concede anything because you feel sorry for me. Because of what I said. I just don’t want this child to go through any…’
He’d wanted her to understand why he’d been freaked out by her driving in the rain. Why he felt the bone-deep need to protect her and the baby. Why he needed to damned well do better.
She moved nearer. ‘It’s helped me understand why you feel such responsibility for everything.
I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me.
But it doesn’t change my view on what we should do in our future.
’ Her gaze melted. ‘You don’t need to feel more guilt, Massimo.
We’ll just have to work harder to reach a compromise. ’
‘How are we going to do that when you’re more stubborn than a mule?’
Her radiant smile appeared. ‘And you’re more determined than a donkey?’
He couldn’t smile back. The brief balm her quietly empathetic support had given him before was washed away by a wave of bitterness and self-recrimination.
He’d not been entirely honest with her. The fact that he’d not confessed why he’d been on that cargo plane nagged.
He ignored it. That secret he had to keep.
He couldn’t risk losing her trust now. She still believed she wasn’t suitable and knowing he’d once been suspicious would hardly help.
Maybe he would show her how well she could fit within his world.
‘I’ve been invited to a party in the city tomorrow night,’ he muttered. ‘That white number you wore at the team party would be perfect.’
‘Would it?’ She shot him an arch look. ‘So you’re dictating both my attendance and my dress?’
Yeah, he’d known she’d bite at that. But she’d already said she had little to wear and he wasn’t making the mistake of offering to buy her an outfit.
Surely, she wasn’t insecure in herself in being seen with him.
‘Honestly, anything would be perfect but as you’re determined to pretend you can’t handle social occasions, I was trying to reassure you. ’
‘I don’t need reassurance.’
‘Great, so you’ll come with me.’
‘You’re deliberately provoking me.’
‘Is it working?’
She studied her notebook. ‘Will there be dancing?’
‘I’ll dance with you whether there’s music or not.’ The selfish, impetuous, hothead within just wanted a little more time with her.
‘Okay, then.’
He should have been pleased. He should have felt satisfaction that she was beginning to accept his offerings, that maybe soon she’d say yes. Instead, he only felt increasing stress. He pulled her closer, silencing his brain by activating his body.
‘Am I getting a bonus because I said yes to you?’ She called him on it.
‘No. I’m getting a bonus because I haven’t the strength to resist.’