Chapter Ten
AN HOUR LATER Caius was pacing in his office. Poppy had said she needed space. Since when had any woman ever needed space from Caius? Who famously gave so much space to women he’d left a trail of embittered lovers in his wake.
He couldn’t win.
He’d sent his staff back to the office because he couldn’t focus. He kept imagining Poppy in the park somewhere, doubling over in pain, and had to curb the urge to go and find her.
He knew all he had to do was look at his phone, because he was tracking the security guy who was tracking her.
He would never get that moment out of his head, finding her in the bathroom, her face parchment white. I’m bleeding. How Caius had managed to get it together to get her to the hospital was still a blur.
Poppy didn’t know that when they’d been examining her he’d almost had a panic attack. A nurse had come and handed him a paper bag. ‘Sit down and breathe into this. Your wife is in good hands.’
Caius had taken one look at the bag and he’d shaken his head. His sister used to have panic attacks, especially whenever she’d see people having arguments, and Caius had learned how to calm her down. He’d arrogantly prided himself on not allowing his emotions to have such a hold over him.
The mere suggestion that he’d been having one and the realisation that perhaps he wasn’t as immune to dealing with traumatic events as he’d liked to believe had been enough to help him regulate again.
By the time he’d been allowed back into the room to see Poppy, he’d had his reaction under iron control.
And since then he’d used that iron control to clamp down on his libido. He should never have made love to her that night after the event. She’d been tired, and he should have encouraged her to go to bed. Alone.
But he’d wanted her too badly. And he’d needed to block out everything she’d evoked within him.
But then she’d tried to talk to him, asking him if he thought they could have a future together. He could remember the feeling of exposure. The immediate need to shut it down to avert a fight-or-flight response clawing up from his gut.
But before it could take hold, Poppy had taken his lead and closed it down and asked him to make love to her and Caius had never been so eager to selfishly pursue his own pleasure and that was what had almost— He stopped pacing and went cold again. No wonder she wanted space.
Clearly he shouldn’t be around her. She didn’t even seem to be all that aware of him, she’d just stripped off in front of him to change and he’d almost exploded at the sight of her naked body with that perfect bump and her high full breasts, blue veins visible under the skin.
Maybe he was freaking her out because she sensed his desire and she was more focused on keeping the baby safe. From him. Caius knew he was being irrational, but wanting Poppy and hating himself for believing he might have harmed her and the baby was tangling him up in knots.
He’d almost had a panic attack. Evidence that emotions were high, and not a good sign. Emotions spelled lack of control and chaos and weakness and the kind of spiralling Caius was experiencing now. He had to protect Poppy from that, from himself.
Since when had he forgotten that he’d gone into this marriage with a view to getting out as soon as possible? Since when had he begun to believe that he belonged?
Since when had the anatomy of his life changed so much that he’d forgotten the very basic rule of never allowing anyone to come too close?
He had to remember the bottom line here, which was a marriage of convenience to give their baby legitimacy and then, once the baby was born and they’d laid down ground rules for Caius to have a relationship with his daughter, they could get on with separate lives.
When Poppy got back to the apartment, she felt so much better.
Fresh air and exercise. It was the first proper chance she’d had to think about things since her revelation in the hospital.
The revelation that she loved Caius. And the fact that rejection—the thing she’d feared all her life—was inevitable.
She had to be careful not to forget that, because Caius in caring mode was seriously seductive. But it was concern for the baby, not her. Oh, she didn’t doubt he cared for her—but only as the mother of his child.
Without sex muddying the waters, it was clear Caius had no problem keeping his distance. And that really shouldn’t be a problem because the most important thing was that he was so accepting of his baby daughter. More than accepting.
And the prospect of Caius wanting to be a very committed parent was something Poppy had hoped for but figured wouldn’t happen.
Now, it was a distinct possibility.
But, selfishly, the thought of him deciding to commit to this relationship for the sake of their daughter terrified Poppy.
She’d spent her life with someone who had rejected her on a daily basis.
Who hadn’t loved her. She couldn’t do it again.
It had reduced her to a shell of herself.
Stripped her confidence. She wouldn’t let her daughter watch that happen.
Maybe Caius was so invested in his child now that he would fight to be in her life on a permanent basis?
She needed to know what Caius intended so she could be prepared.
She was so preoccupied that she didn’t notice that the apartment was quiet. No sounds coming from Caius’s office. She felt an ominous prickling skate over her skin, as if something seismic had happened but she had no idea what.
She almost jumped out of her skin when one of the nurses appeared in the doorway. The young woman apologised and said, ‘Mr Mansur told me to let you know that he’s taken your advice to go into the office and he’ll call you later.’
‘OK, thank you.’ Poppy forced a smile, absorbing this news. This was a good thing. He’d taken her suggestion on board. So why did she feel suddenly bereft that her constant Caius Nightingale wasn’t here? Although he wasn’t leaving her alone.
The nurse said now, ‘Maybe we should check you over. Mr Mansur said you’d been out for a walk? How are you feeling?’
Poppy fought not to roll her eyes. Caius might not be here but he was making sure she was being monitored at all times. Suddenly she didn’t want space any more, she wanted Caius, even if she couldn’t have him, and if he wouldn’t touch her.
She was losing it. She meekly went with the nurse and allowed the woman to persuade her to take a rest.
Much later that night, when Caius came back, he was feeling slightly less volatile. Until he walked in and saw the figure of Poppy lying on the couch in the den area.
The nurse hovered in the door and whispered, ‘She was watching a movie and fell asleep. I thought I’d leave her.’
Caius nodded and said, ‘Thanks, you can retire for the night.’
She left and Caius looked at Poppy on the couch. Her vibrant hair was fanned out around her head and her features were at rest.
His chest tightened. She was so beautiful. And unexpected. And disturbing to his equilibrium. He’d spent many selfish years ignoring the emptiness inside him, the feeling of worthlessness, but for the first time in his life, these past few months, he’d felt whole.
She might believe that they could build a future together, but he did not deserve to use Poppy to feel good about himself.
And his daughter deserved better than a father who hadn’t the first clue about how to be a father.
But it was too late to change that. All he could do was go by Poppy’s guidance and try to do no harm.
He thought of Poppy waking and those green eyes seeing into his soul where this volatile mix was barely under control.
He scooped her up into his arms and she made a little sound but didn’t wake. Caius carried her up the stairs and gritted his jaw against how she felt in his arms. Warm and soft and fragrant.
When he put her down on the bed, the blanket the nurse had placed over her slipped down and all Caius could do was look and curse silently. She was wearing a loose T-shirt and it had slipped down, revealing the upper slope of her breast.
His blood roared and he shook with the effort it took not to rouse her and have her open her arms to him. And it wasn’t just the physical release he needed, it was so much more. He wanted her to take his jagged edges and make them smooth.
He took a step back. And that was why he had to let her go, before he trapped her in a cage of his needs and desires, using her to fool himself into thinking he was a good person, who deserved the kind of uncomplicated things most people took for granted.
Things like love and hope. Redemption. Caius smiled mirthlessly at the quaint notion.
‘Are you sure you’re feeling up to this?’ Caius asked.
‘Yes,’ Poppy responded, feeling out of sorts and irritable. And then more out of sorts for feeling grumpy. It wasn’t Caius’s fault. For the past few days, since she’d taken that walk, he’d been the absolute epitome of kindness, generosity and solicitude.
When he’d been around. But he’d barely been around.
He’d been at the office or he’d taken business dinners and meetings, late. Poppy had tried to stay up one night to catch him to talk to him but she’d woken in her bed, to find the night nurse sitting outside her room reading a book with a night light.
She knew the night nurse couldn’t have carried her to bed, so it had to have been Caius.
But as of today the doctor had given her the all-clear and now she was alone with Caius, finally.
Well, in the back of a chauffeur-driven SUV, but she couldn’t concentrate because Caius was dressed for the polo match and he was wearing jodhpurs, a polo shirt and boots.
And all she wanted to do was climb onto his lap and cleave herself to him.
But maybe this was the only chance she’d get to speak to him, so she turned towards him and said, ‘Caius, there’s something we should probably—’
But his phone rang and, with an apologetic grimace, he said, ‘That’s my assistant, sorry, I have to take it.’