Chapter 15
Going about your life after you’d been mugged and tased and hurt felt weird in so many ways. This was not something I’d ever planned for and I never thought I’d be here, in pain, working from home on designs and pretending that I only hurt on the outside.
Because that wasn’t the case.
My heart ached just as much, if not more, than my physical injuries and I wasn’t sure how to fix it, or even if I should go about trying to find a way to.
While we still didn’t know who had taken my purse, who had hurt me, I knew the authorities, as well as Trace and the others, were doing what they could to find them.
It was odd to have so many people care about me, and I didn’t even know where they had all come from. My parents loved me. They were there for me throughout my entire childhood and beyond. When I married William, we moved for his job—and mine, considering I worked with his family. That distance from my parents had made maintaining our relationship difficult, but not impossible. Because I was still with them in my heart. And I knew they would drop everything to come and take care of me if I needed them.
I hadn’t really given them a choice this time. I hadn’t wanted to hide this from them, but wanted to keep it close so they didn’t worry about me. But I also knew they needed to know everything. Primarily because if that person could unlock my phone, they could contact my family. So I used my tablet and the cloud to sync my new phone and get everything situated and explain to people what happened. So far nothing had come from it. No weird charges on my cards, no calls, nothing to impact my identity.
My parents had wanted to fly down and wrap me in cotton wool and never let me out of their sight again; keeping them away had been difficult.
But they had done their best to make sure I was taken care of.
But even with my parents not here, I wasn’t alone. Kendall came over every day with Alexis, and the other girls took turns coming over to take care of me. But I was fine. Yes, my hip was bruised a bit, and I was sore where the taser prongs had stuck into me, but I was fine. I would be back in the bakery the following day, despite Kendall trying to push me out. One of her friends from Dallas had come down to help as an emergency baker with the few wedding cakes I hadn’t been able to do because I was sore and had been told not to overdo it.
That had hurt my heart because I wanted to do everything myself, but the clients understood and had been so grateful to find out we had backup plans for their cakes and desserts.
I just never wanted to disappoint anyone.
The Wilders had been so kind, so welcoming.
And Ridge had been there too. He hadn’t come back to the hospital, which had worried me. Not for myself, because I could handle anything. I had proven that to myself repeatedly. I could do anything.
But the fact that his heart hurt so much, he couldn’t look at me in a hospital bed? That worried me.
I was finding a way to move on, to be who I needed to be to become the person who didn’t have to rely on my in-laws anymore. I didn’t have to rely on anyone but myself. I was making friends and kicking ass and making the best cakes possible. Everyone missed my desserts already, even though the person who replaced me for the past couple of days was doing wonderful and was very talented, they still missed me.
I was needed. I was wanted.
After so many years of people telling me that I was replaceable, and that they didn’t need me, things were completely different for me now and it was a good feeling to be wanted and needed.
No matter what happened with Ridge and me, I was not going to leave my place at the Wilder retreat. I was not going to be kicked out of my place, like I had been by Lauren and the others.
Because I knew the Wilders would never do that to me.
Though it hurt my heart to think about it.
I had to come to terms with what I felt for Ridge. And that was going to be a problem because I desperately craved to know what he felt for me.
I didn’t know what was going on with him. I didn’t know what he wanted or how he was feeling.
Because he wouldn’t tell me.
And that was a problem.
When he hadn’t come back into my hospital room, I was crushed, part of me worried that this had all been too much. That maybe he didn’t really want me that way, maybe I wasn’t who he needed.
But I had to focus on myself for the moment, at least that’s what I kept telling myself, and also Elliot had been taking care of me, as well as Alexis and Kendall, so I hadn’t been alone for long. We waited for the doctors to give me the go ahead and then I was out of there and on my way home.
Ridge had been waiting for me there, which had nearly tripped me up, my heart doing double-time at seeing him on my doorstep. I had given the Wilders the code to my house, something they had immediately changed just in case, even though it hadn’t been written down anywhere or in my phone. But the Wilders were security conscious, and they had a damn good reason for that.
I had fallen into Ridge’s arms, not on purpose, it just happened. And he had pushed my hair back from my face and smiled at me. But I’d seen the worry and the hurt there.
I didn’t know if that was for me or the wrenching past that ached. And that is what burnt deep inside.
For the first day, he didn’t leave my side. He made sure that I had some soup and was resting on the couch or in bed, and probably had overdone the overprotective man routine. But Elliot had told me that he had called himself my boyfriend, which had made me do a little giggle inside, and then wonder how mature I was. But I had never been in this situation before. I had only ever dated William, and that had been such a natural progression of a relationship because of our ages and how things just turned out. We had literally fallen into each other in love. Ridge and I? I was so deeply afraid that I was falling head over heels in love with a man that was never going to be able to love me back.
Not that he wouldn’t want to. Not that part of him was telling himself that he couldn’t move on and find whatever he needed. No, it was the fact that he was still in pain. I was three years more into my grief than he was, but in the end, did that matter?
Everybody grieved in their own way. There was no timeline of grief, or steps you could take until you finally found yourself whole and healed and everything was fine and you would just forget what had happened. No. That was not how things worked. And it took everything within me not to hold him down and beg him to love me.
I wasn’t even strong enough to tell him that I loved him first.
He needed to figure out what he wanted, and I desperately needed to do the same.
And that was on me.
I would never know what Ridge wanted, or how close he was to finding out what that was, unless I asked.
But I still wasn’t ready because I was terrified of the answer. Terrified that I would be wrong or I wouldn’t be good enough.
And that was the crux of the damn problem.
Because I hadn’t been good enough when fate ripped William out of my life. I hadn’t been good enough for some of the people who should have held me close to them. Who should have shared their grief with me, and I them. They had pushed me away and hurt me when I was already in pain and I had to deal with the outcome.
But I was stronger than that now. I always had been, only it had taken me far too long to realize that.
I had ignored my family and Joni when they told me repeatedly that I was good enough. That I would always be good enough.
I was falling in love with Ridge Wilder, and honestly was probably already there.
But I didn’t know what he wanted.
And that was something I was going to have to figure out. Far sooner than later.
Only, I had no idea how to ask him. Or even if it was worth asking at all.
And I truly needed to get out of my head so I could focus on who I was, and not who he might need me to be.
I pushed thoughts of Ridge out of my mind, which was mostly a lie, and wasn’t easy, but I did my best.
Then I did the one thing I could and made my way into the kitchen to work on some thank you cookies.
It felt like going back in time, only a few short weeks ago when this had been my place of business. When I had only this option left to me when it came to work.
I was still so grateful for my friends who had stayed with me after William’s death, who had helped me start my business. They had ordered cookies, told their friends, shared them on social media, and it helped me stay afloat.
It hadn’t been enough. Creativity wise, financially, and heart wise, it hadn’t.
But now I was doing things the way I wanted to.
I decided to make café au lait cookies and caramel cream Texas shaped cookies in thanks for the Wilders taking care of me over the past few days when I was recuperating.
Once the first batch of cookies was finally cool enough, I began tracing my outline so I could flood with icing.
It was intricate work, but I loved it. And it really stretched my muscles enough so I knew that I was ready for whatever came next. I had to ensure that I could handle baking with Kendall because she relied on me.
Although she was officially moving over to the signature restaurant soon, and I would be joining her there for special occasions, they had hired a new chef for the Wilder retreat so Kendall could spend more time with her family.
I would miss working with her every day, but it wasn’t like the woman was leaving anytime soon. She was still our boss.
I went back to work right as my phone rang, and I used my elbow to answer, seeing that smiling face on the photo that popped up on screen.
“Joni!”
“You sound chipper. I wish I was there.”
“You are at Disney World with your family. I’m so glad that you did not end your trip early.”
“I just cannot believe you got attacked during the eight days that we were on a vacation. A vacation that I’ve been planning for two years. You’d think you could try to be a little more cognizant of my time?”
I snorted, then went on to the next cookie.
“I’m sorry. Next time I get attacked, I’ll make sure you’re home for it.”
“How about you not get attacked? Let’s just make that a rule. No attacking.”
“I’ll do my best.”
“Damn straight.”
“Seriously though. You worried me. But you’re feeling okay now?”
“Honestly a little sore, but otherwise I feel great. I’m making cookies.”
“Are you working? Kendall told me you wouldn’t be working.”
I laughed at that. The two had become fast friends, and I had a feeling that Joni would be joining the Wilder cheese and wine spreads every once in a while.
“I’m making thank you cookies. I’ll make you and your family a batch once you get back, so they’re fresh.”
“Have I ever told you that I loved you?”
“Every time we talk.”
“Well, just so you know. I love you so fricking much. Now, when am I seeing Ridge again?” she asked, and I did my best not to wince even though she couldn’t see me.
She didn’t know all of Ridge’s past, because it wasn’t my place to say anything. She also didn’t know he hadn’t come back into the hospital room.
Because I didn’t know what he felt about me, and I didn’t know if he wanted to keep going. But I would figure it out.
I would have to tell my friend. Once we were in person, and I could get it all out.
“I’m seeing him tomorrow. Tonight is just me and my cookies, and I couldn’t be happier.”
“Somehow you made that sound dirty, and I don’t mind it. Okay, I have to go. This was our small break before we hit Hollywood Studios.”
“You are a machine.”
“Don’t I know it. But Orlando makes me happy. I don’t know why. I blame it on the water.”
“Or the whole drinking around the world thing at Epcot.”
“That too. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I went back to my cookies once we hung up, and had just finished one batch of icing while the other batch cooled when my phone rang again, not with a call, but from the camera feed.
I frowned and set everything down, washing my hands quickly before I looked at the security readout.
My blood went cold, ice forming in my veins as I saw Lauren on the screen.
Trace and Ridge had added a few extra cameras around my house, making sure I was safe since the attacker had my home address. That made me feel ill, but for some reason not as ill as seeing Lauren standing there.
But I couldn’t just make her stay out there, I had to go and fix this.
Or at least get this over with.
I made my way to the door, telling myself that I was fine. That she could judge all she wanted, she could hate me, but nothing she said would ever bring William back.
I finally opened the door and saw her standing there, her face pale, a small awkward smile etched on her features.
She had her hands in front of her, clasped together so tight I could see her knuckles turning white.
“I’m so glad you opened the door. I was a little afraid that you wouldn’t.”
I wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. I wasn’t sure I wanted to let her in either. But standing in front of the door open like this would defeat the whole security thing, so I cleared my throat and took a step back.
“Come on in.”
“Thank you for this, really.”
This didn’t seem like the Lauren I knew. Had something possessed her? Maybe she got tased too and her brain had got all jumbled.
No, that wasn’t kind. Lauren had always been uptight, but she hadn’t been so hateful until William died. Grief did so many things to us, different complicated things that made it hard to breathe. But all of that still didn’t give Lauren the right to treat me like she had.
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
I stared at her, confused, wondering what the hell was happening right now. I didn’t have a chance to speak because she continued.
“You don’t have to say anything. But I finally did the one thing I should have done five years ago. I went to a therapist.” She threw her hands up in the air, then put them back in front of her, clenching them tight.
“Lauren, I’m glad you’re talking to someone.”
What else was I supposed to say?
“I lashed out at you so many times. Because it was easier to hate you than to hate God, or to hate fate, or just hate the fact that my brother was dead. It wasn’t your fault. It was the fault of the drunk driver. I know that. Everyone knows that. But it took me so long to figure out. And you just kept taking so many lashes. You are an amazingly strong person who was grieving just like me, but I didn’t see that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not only hurting you, but for pushing you out of our lives and the business. I don’t even know how you kept afloat with me being such a bitch. And I have no way of making it better. But I’m here to say I’m sorry, and that I’ll do better. I won’t bother you again. I won’t hurt you. I just wanted you to know.”
“Lauren.” I let out a breath, trying to make her words make sense.
Because nothing made sense right now.
“I’m sorry too.”
“What on earth do you have to apologize for? I’m the raging bitch.”
I laughed, soft and low. “Well, I didn’t say it, you did.”
She grinned then, and it felt like it used to. Like when we were close, when William was still alive. I’d nearly forgotten those times. But they were there.
“You lost your brother. And I know it’s terrible. I still feel it. Even when I’m smiling and I’m really okay. I’ve had to learn to be okay if I want to keep breathing. To survive. So know that you are going to figure that out too. I promise. Thank you for saying you’re sorry. What you did over the years was not okay, but I forgive you. Because that’s what William would’ve wanted.”
Lauren wiped away tears and frowned at me. “I’m pretty sure William would’ve called me a bitch and told me to stop acting like it. I don’t think he would’ve forgiven me.”
“Oh, he may have said that, but he loved you and would have forgiven you. Because you’re his sister. And me hating you isn’t going to bring him back and isn’t going to make it better. All it’s going to do is to remind me of what we both lost and make it harder for me to move on.”
“Are you? Moving on?” She held up both hands. “I’m sorry. That’s totally none of my business.”
“It’s not. And I don’t know. At least not in the way you’re thinking. But I’m moving on with who I am. And that’s what matters. It should matter for you too. You need to figure out who you are now. Even if it hurts.”
She smiled then, but I didn’t reach out to hug her. She had never been physically demonstrative and never really liked hugs. But we smiled and spoke a few minutes more. And then I said goodbye, waving at her as she left. I let out a breath; I hadn’t been expecting that. But she had been a bigger person. Finally. And she had found her strength.
I would have to find mine.
Somehow.