Chapter Five
__________
Ben
Is this really happening? I mean…did I hit my head and wake up in some alternate reality where some sweet, cute guy showed interest in me? What was he thinking? Does he regret it?
Caleb's arm is loosely draped over my shoulder as if we've been friends forever.
His arm feels like an anchor, holding me in place.
I have this weird connection with him, like we could eventually be friends and not just coworkers.
It helps that we're the same size and not huge like the other two guys currently staring at us.
In fact, Jason's eyes haven't left me since I got off his lap. It's hard to look at him, so I keep my eyes focused on the petals around my sneakers.
He didn't feel obligated to join us for lunch, did he? A bystander's duty. Or is there something else guiding his actions? The absurdity of the situation, me, a blubbering mess in the arms of a man I met mere minutes ago, is almost comical if it wasn't so raw and exposed.
The air between us hums with unspoken questions.
I can't bring myself to lift my head, to meet his gaze, afraid of what I might see reflected there.
Walking to the restaurant, my toe catches on uneven pavement and I stumble forward. I don't have time to catch myself before strong arms are holding on to me.
"Careful, little one," Jason's raspy voice tells me, and I feel his warm breath on my ear. A shiver runs down my spine and it has nothing to do with the chill in the air.
Little one. What does he mean by that?
"Th-thank you for saving me. Twice now," I say shyly, words coming out barely above a whisper.
Jason keeps his arm over my shoulder as we make our way inside.
My cheek is pressed against the rough tweed of his jacket, and I can detect the faint scent of something clean, like how it smells outside after it rains.
The scent grounds me. His stillness is a stark contrast to the chaos within me, and I cling to it.
He makes me feel…safe?
That thought is a dangerous one. Didn't my mom teach me about stranger danger? Safety. With a stranger. A stranger who is now, inexplicably, my entire world. I trace the line of his jaw with my eyes, the subtle tension there, the barely perceptible shift as he breathes.
He's not pulling away.
He could. A polite excuse, a gentle disentanglement, and he could melt back into the anonymous crowd of customers, leaving me alone with the wreckage of my thoughts.
But he hasn't.
My secret of being a little presses against my ribs, a physical weight, a constant reminder of the inevitable fallout.
This connection with Jason feels like a cruel joke. It's a whisper of what could be, a glimpse into a forbidden garden, and I know, with a certainty, that I'll be the one to cause it to whither.
Yet, I don't move. Only staying pressed into him in the booth, soaking up his warmth.
"Good afternoon, guys. I'm Matthew, and I'll be serving you today." I lift my head up at the cheerful voice, and that's when I regret it. His eyes are fixated on Jason like he wants to have him for lunch.
I lift my shoulder and try to scoot over to give him some space. I don't want Matthew to think we're together, or get in the way of Jason meeting someone who isn't coming in with a lot of baggage.
Surprisingly, Jason squeezes me to him to keep me rooted in place.
I don't fight it.
"Can I start with your drink orders? While I am gathering your beverages, it will give you time to look over the menu." He tells us.
"Can I have chocolate milk?" Caleb whispers to Barrett, who nods. Interesting. Why would he need permission from his husband? "I'll have chocolate milk, please," he tells the waiter with certainty.
"Iced tea. Unsweet," Barrett adds.
Chocolate milk sounds good. Mom would make it for me, and I haven't had it in years. Since it's been a nostalgic day, I think I'll join Caleb. "Chocolate milk for me, too, please."
Jason grins at me before ordering a soda, claiming he needs the caffeine to help him get through his afternoon errands.
The waiter excuses himself with a practiced smile.
"Well, let's figure out what we want to eat before he comes back, and then we can dive into conversation," Barrett says in a take-charge tone.
"Agree," Jason says, handing me a menu.
My eyes flit across the menu, a jumble of unfamiliar letters and confusing layouts. My dyslexia, usually managed if I practice reading, which I haven't been doing, feels like a cruel spotlight. Making me feel more exposed than I already do.
Shame gnaws at me. I can't even articulate what I want to eat.
My eyes start to sting, but I refuse to cry. I try to focus, to force my brain to process the text, but the letters swim across the page. Jason shifts slightly, and I instinctively tense, bracing for him to notice my struggle.
Would he see this as another sign of my fragility? The sudden clatter of dishes breaks me from my thoughts.
Then, a low voice cuts through my panic. "Having trouble deciding?" Jason asks, his tone devoid of judgment, only a quiet understanding.
"Yeah." It's all I can get out. Emotion so thick I can barely swallow.
He reaches out, not to take the menu, but to point to a section. "The shepherd's pie is surprisingly good here," he murmurs, his finger tracing the words. "Or the pasta's usually a safe bet."
He isn't taking over, not really. He's just offering a lifeline. The warmth in his voice has me relaxing into something that feels like hope.
He's still here.
He hasn't bolted.
"I think I want mac n' cheese with fries," Caleb announces to the table.
"Peanut, you need a fruit or veggie to go with it," Barrett tells him, and Caleb scrunches his nose.
"Fine. I'll have trees with ranch dip." He relents.
"Trees?" I ask.
"That's what he calls broccoli. He isn't a fan of veggies usually, but I got him to eat broccoli as long as there's ranch to dip it in." Barrett gives a warm chuckle. "He puts so much on them that he can't taste the tree."
Caleb giggles.
Jason leans over so close I can feel his breath on the side of my face. "Would you want the same?" he whispers.
I turn to face him. Our lips are mere inches apart. I grin and give a little shrug. Do I want the same meal as Caleb? After the emotional morning I had, it would be nice to slip into little space for a while, but I definitely can't do that here. Maybe having a kid-friendly meal will help.
A breath I didn't realize I was holding escapes my lips.
Yes. A thousand times, yes. The words are a silent scream within me, a desperate plea.
Jason didn't just offer me food suggestions; he provided an escape hatch.
He'd seen the fog in my eyes, the faint panic that flickered there, and he'd navigated it for me with gentle guidance. A whispered recommendation.
It was such a small thing, really.
"Yes," I tell him, and he offers an encouraging smile.
When Matthew leaves with our food order, Jason leans back against the booth, a faint smile touching his lips.
"So, tell us about yourself, Ben," Caleb encourages, and all eyes around the booth are now focused on me.
It's the blue ones next to me that are the most intimidating, and I couldn't look away.
But, since the two guys across from me will be my bosses, I turn most of my attention to them.
"What got you into floral design?" Caleb asks with his easy smile.
My heart gave a little lurch at the unexpected question.
"Floral design?" I echo, my voice a little rough.
Caleb nods. "Um…it's a long story," I begin, trying for a light tone.
I glance at Jason, wondering if maybe he should have bolted when I couldn't read the menu.
"My mother…she, um…liked flowers. We would spend a lot of time in the garden.
When she…died…it was a way for me to feel close to her, I guess.
" The words felt inadequate, a pale imitation of the truth, but they were all I could manage.
Caleb nodded, his expression softening. "That's beautiful, Ben. It takes a special kind of person to find solace in something so…alive."
He doesn't press for details or pry at my unspoken grief.
The food being delivered to our table offered me some reprieve.
Jason and Barrett are wrapped up in conversation about a plant Jason wants to get for a good friend of his for Valentine's Day.
Without even a glance in my direction, Jason finally removes his arm from around my shoulder, and I miss his touch already.
But then, he reaches up and grabs my silverware and unwraps it, the same way Barrett is doing it for Caleb.
When I meet Caleb's eyes, he just smiles and winks at me.
Like…this is normal. When he places the napkin on my lap, it sends a jolt of electricity through me.
Such a small gesture with colossal meaning.
I haven't had this kind of care and attention since…my mother.
Pulling his attention away from Barrett, Jason glances at me and whispers, "Please, let me be here for you. Through lunch."
I pick up my milk and take a sip, the cool liquid coating my throat, and I nod. "Okay."
"Good. Now please, eat."
It's a casual intimacy that speaks volumes, but I tell myself it's like having play dates at the Club Pierre.
It's a great distraction, but in the end, I go home alone.
I don't know what's worse. Being able to have this moment with Jason, knowing it will be over after lunch, or having to navigate being in Rockport Ridge alone.
"How long have you guys been together?" I ask Caleb and Barrett once we all get settled into our meals.
Caleb dips a piece of broccoli into his ranch dip before telling me, "Seven years."
"Wow. Congrats." I take a bite of my mac n' cheese and moan at how good it is. Jason tenses next to me.
"Yep. We met at the coffee shop where I worked.
The we ran into each other at the zoo one day when I was there to see Kavi give birth.
Barrett worked with the elephants back then.
" Caleb tells me the story of how they met at the zoo and the private tour.
It sounds sweet, and I can't wait to hear more as we get to know each other.
"He was the perfect daddy when he took care of me. "
And with a wide-eyed Caleb staring at me, I'm guessing he didn't mean to say that last part.
He looks up at Barrett. "I'm sorry. It just slipped out," he says, tucking his face into Barrett's shoulder.
"It's okay, Peanut. I'm not ashamed of our relationship." He consoles Caleb by running his hand over his shoulder and kissing the top of his head lovingly.
They are the cutest couple.
The mention of Daddy hangs in the air. Barrett and Jason shift their attention toward me, waiting to see how I respond.
How do I respond?
Caleb painted a beautiful canvas of a connection I could only dream of, one built on shared experiences and unwavering affection.
My thoughts shift back to certain arms holding me in the flower shop, then draping an arm around me as we walked, as I shivered against the cold to keep me warm.
But that arm didn't leave my shoulders until our food was brought to the table.
He unwrapped my silverware and placed my napkin on my lap.
He's been taking care of me without flinching away.
I found myself leaning into him several times on instinct.
I craved his proximity, a deeper fear took root: the fear that this newfound comfort, this unexpected sense of safety, was a prelude to an inevitable, devastating heartbreak.
What if I ask him the question that's rolling around my brain, and the answer isn't one that I want to hear?
My heart would crumble for the loss of this stranger.
But I ask my question anyway, in hopes it doesn't tear me apart. I turn my attention to Jason, his blue eyes sparkling like the ocean waves in the bright afternoon sun.
"Jason. Are…are you a daddy, too?" I wait on bated breath to hear his response.
When I glance across the table, Caleb offers me a soft smile, and Barrett holds him a little closer.
Then, it's when Jason opens his mouth, and that soothing tone follows, that hope floods my chest cavity.
"Yes, Ben, I am."