Chapter Six
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Jason
"Jason. Are…are you a daddy, too?" Ben's words come out uncertain.
I only wanted to comfort Ben just as I would for one of my students on a rough day. I wasn't thinking of being in a daddy role, a role that I crave. I don't just want a warm body to fill the role, either. I want a connection with someone. Like the relationships my friends have.
I wasn't ready for Ben to pull away from me, uncertainty on his face. The easy warmth between us suddenly feels chilled. The moment before evaporates. His jaw is tight.
How could I have fucked this up already?
Boy, did I misread the vibe between us. I can be so dense sometimes. Projecting my deepest desires onto a situation–someone–so vulnerable.
But I have to be honest with him and myself.
"Yes, Ben, I am." My voice cracks, and I clear my throat.
The silence stretches, thick with unspoken words and a sudden awkwardness. I glance across the table just in time to see a tear drip from Caleb's reddened eyes. It figuratively guts me.
Is Ben going to judge all of us for the lifestyle we participate in? Barrett leans over and whispers something in Caleb's ear, and he nods.
I feel this familiar ache of wanting to fix things. Like in my classroom. To smooth over discomfort, but this is different. This isn't about a lost lunchbox or a playground spat; this is something deeper, something I wasn't anticipating when I simply offered a comforting touch.
"It's... it's fine," he murmurs when he finally turns his eyes to all of us. "Just a lot on my mind, you know? A lot of changes all at once."
The way Ben shifts his weight tells a different story. He's not fine. I realize, just like what happened to one of my students last week, even when the comfort we sometimes offer is well-intentioned, it can stir up more emotions than it settles.
"Ben. We all have those days," I say in understanding.
My gaze drifts back to his hand, which is now fiddling with the cuff of his sleeve, a nervous habit I noticed him doing earlier.
I'd like to offer more comfort, to reach out again.
The image of him pulling away moments ago holds me captive. A silent warning.
Ben swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing, and then, in a voice barely above a whisper, he asks, "Caleb, if Barrett's your daddy, are…are you a boy?"
Caleb wipes his eyes and nods. "Yes. But there's more. We don't have to talk about it now if this is all too much for you." Caleb starts to reach across the table, but notices Ben withdraw his hand.
Ben shakes his head and takes a sip of water that is sitting in front of him, gathering his courage.
Words then tumble out, hesitant but clear.
"I'm...I'm a little. It's something I've been exploring, and it…
it's become a big part of my life. And right now, it's a big part of what's making things difficult.
You know, trying to find my place. Now, I'm in a new town, a new job," he looks up at Caleb and Barrett, "that is, if you still want me knowing that secret part of me.
" He looks down at his hand while fiddling with his cuff some more.
Caleb places his hand on the table, palm up.
Ben looks at it, and Caleb wiggles his fingers and smiles.
Ben smiles back and places his hand in Caleb's.
"Of course, we want you. You and I already have a lot in common.
And like I told you in the shop, I have a good vibe about you. " He offers Ben a wink.
"You're one too?" Ben asks barely above a whisper.
Caleb nods. "There's a small group of us here. I'd love for you to come over sometime. My playroom is amazing!"
"Slow down, Peanut," Barrett warns. "Let Ben take things slowly. This is a lot to take in."
"Okay," Caleb relents, removing his hand from Ben’s and snuggling closer to Barrett.
The air in the room shifts again, the chill replaced by warmth. A silent acknowledgment of a shared secret. The restaurant becomes a space for a new, unspoken dialogue to unfold.
Ben laid himself bare for us. My gaze darts to Barrett, searching his face for any hint of reaction, but he stays composed.
After a few moments of silence, giving everyone a breather to reflect on all that's happened, the waiter appears with the bill and clears a few of the dishes.
"Ben. Caleb and I need to get back to the shop," Barrett says after signing the bill and pocketing his credit card. "Can you start on Monday? It'll be a busy week."
"Monday sounds perfect. It will give me a chance to pack up my apartment in the city.
It's just a studio," he tells them. "All of my furniture was given to me when I first moved into my place.
It doesn't have any sentimental value. I'll just pass it forward and donate it to my neighbors.
She has three small kids and will appreciate the help. "
This boy couldn't be sweeter.
"If you need more time, let me know. We can work around your schedule," Barrett tells him with understanding in his eyes.
How can someone pack up so quickly? Say goodbye to family and friends?
Barrett slides out of the booth first and holds his hand out for Caleb. Caleb takes it and lets Barrett pull him into a hug.
I hold my hand out for Ben. His cheeks pop with a tint of pink, but he allows me to help him out. I don't pull him into a hug. Although I want to.
"Ben," Caleb calls over to him. "Can I give you a hug goodbye?" Ben nods.
During their embrace, I notice howe sweet they look together. Caleb whispers something in Ben's ear that I can't hear, but it has Ben giggling and nodding. Caleb looks up at me when they separate.
And smiles.
Ben
Having only been in the lifestyle for a little over a year, I know a lot of trust goes into it, especially when slipping into little space with strangers at the club.
Usually, I'm surrounded by other littles and caregivers, so I feel protected.
The last time I was able to have a play date with a daddy was when I met Shaun at Club Pierre nearly ten months ago.
Gee, time flies.
I wonder...did Shaun recommend me for the job because he knows that Caleb is also a little? Barrett is so protective of Caleb, and it makes me think he would protect us both at the shop in the event a mean customer showed up. It also helps ease some of my anxiety I have about moving here.
Being somewhere I can bloom professionally excites me. Even if it's not my own shop or flower stand.
Leaving the warmth of the restaurant, I walk next to Caleb while Barrett is next to Jason in front of us.
It's then that I realize they are close to the same height, with Jason being about an inch shorter.
Still, they are about a foot taller than both Caleb and me.
Barrett is also a little broader, whereas Jason has a leaner build.
"Let's swap numbers so you can reach out if you need anything," Caleb tells me. "Or if you just want to chat. About anything."
This friend-lifeline he's throwing my way sparks something inside my chest. It's been a while since I've had a friend. Years, in fact. It's always been me against the world since my dad kicked me out at sixteen.
"I'd like that." I hand him my phone. He spends a minute tapping on the screen. What's he doing? Sending a novel?
I'll listen to the message in the car and pocket my phone when he hands it back. I'll respond later, too, when I can do voice-to-text. It's easier for me than trying to read or type out a message. If there are errors, I can always blame it on autocorrect.
When we arrive back at the shop, Caleb and Barrett escape inside, leaving Jason and me standing on the sidewalk. I cinch my coat a little tighter since the wind picked up.
"Can I walk you to your car?" Jason asks. My cheeks heat at the thought. He's been so attentive and caring. Could he be interested in me? I won't get my hopes up. Especially when I know how touch-starved I've been. Also, it's not a Cinderella–my favorite princess–fairytale.
Is there really such a thing as love at first sight? Because I can definitely see myself falling hard for Jason.
My heart hammers against my ribs, a frantic rhythm against the sudden intimacy of his offer. It's a simple gesture. A conclusion to the day we've had.
I want to tell him no. If he walks me to my car, then our day is over, and I'm not sure I want it to end. Maybe...maybe we can hang out some more, just the two of us. My heart fills with hope. Then I remember him mentioning he needed to run some errands.
My smile falters.
As I meet his bright blue gaze, there's a quiet curiosity in his eyes.
"What has you worried, little one?" he asks. "I see the wheels turning up here," he taps my temple, and I berate myself for almost leaning into his touch.
I shake my head, scared of what my voice will do if I try to speak.
"Ben, look at me." His request is soft as he holds my chin to face him. "Please. Don't shy away from me."
"It's." I stop, trying to gather the strength to be open about my feelings, but remind myself I know nothing about this man.
He's literally a stranger to me, yet I feel so close to him already.
"It's just...I've really enjoyed today, minus the flower shop incident.
I wish we had met under different circumstances.
Maybe then you wouldn't see me as broken.
" I try to look away from him, but his hand holds my chin in place.
He kisses my forehead and reaches down to take my hand. Guiding me to a bench half a block away from the shop–luckily, it's in the direction of my van. He sits on the bench and pulls me down next to him and tucks me into his side when he sees me shivering.
When he speaks, his voice comes out low and authoritative.
"You are not broken, little one." He tells me, and I melt into his side more with the endearment, little one.
"You had an emotional reaction to past trauma.
A memory. Whether the memories were good or bad, it took a lot out of you. I was glad to be there for it–you."
"Y-you don't th-think I'm a…a mess?" I sniffle, feeling my eyes dampen.
"Not in the least, Ben. In fact. I really enjoyed scratching the surface of who you are and would love the chance to get to know you better. That is…if it's something you would like as well," he tells me, and I hear the sincerity in his voice.
"Yes. I'd like that too." I tell him the truth.
"Good. I know you are heading back to the city to wrap things up. Can I take you out Monday night after work? We can celebrate your first day at the shop." He offers.
"I'd like that. A lot." I offer him a genuine smile.
"Then it's a date. Now, let's get you out of the cold. Where did you park?" He stands and helps me up as well, keeping my hand in his. With my free hand, I point down the block.
When we arrive at my vintage VW camper van, he freezes–expression unreadable.
"It's not much. But it's mine." I tell him, feeling proud that I own it outright with no payments.
"Ben, this van is amazing. I love vintage things." I beam at his response.
"Me too. It's like I get to share in someone else's story. Keep that person's memory alive." I tell him, voice a little stronger than it was earlier.
I like that we have this in common.
"Alright, little one," Jason tells me, holding his arms out, and I happily step into them. When he squeezes me against his body, I promise I don't swoon. "Get in and turn the heater on. I'll talk to you later?" He forms it as a question as if he had a hint of doubt.
"Of course."
"And…can you let me know that you made it back to Bedford City okay?" He looks a bit uncertain of his request, and I can't help but tease him a little.
"Yes, Daddy," I wink and giggle as I start to make my way into the driver's seat.
"You are going to be a handful, aren't you?" He smirks.
"Not at all. Just teasing you a bit. I a good boy," I tell him in my little voice before cranking the ignition. My baby starts right up. "I'll let you know when I make it home safely."
Home? Bedford City is no longer my home.
My home is here in Rockport Ridge. Wow. I have no place to stay.
I school my expression because that is something I will need to figure out on my own.
I glance over my shoulder into the backseat, and I kind of have this thrill of living a van life for a bit.
A bohemian nomad lifestyle isn't really my thing, but it could be an adventure. And a way to save some money.
"Drive safely," Jason says before shutting the door for me.
I offer him a little wave, and he turns and starts walking down the street. I look in my rearview mirror to see him turn around to look at me with a broad smile across his face.
I have one to match.
Before pulling out of my space, I tap on Caleb's message.
The voice on the phone reads it to me robotically.
"You have one unread message from unknown.
It's Caleb. Now you can't escape me. Laughing emoji.
I love making new friends, especially with other littles.
I can't wait to learn more about you, and I hope we can become more than just work pals. Flower bouquet emoji.
What a whirlwind my life has taken in the last few days.
I lost my job. Got a new one. I was lonely in the city, and now I have a date with a caring, hot guy who is in the lifestyle, who could possibly become my daddy if the chemistry is there–which it totally is.
And now a friend I work with. Who, of all things, is also a Little.
For once, the pieces of my life are starting to click together.
I pull down my visor and glance at the picture I have clipped there.
"Thanks, Mom, for looking out after me. I hope wherever you are, you're dancing among the flowers."