Chapter Nine
Lex
Now
“What the fuck?” I say. Because what else is there to say?
Am I high? Did I take something at QISS? Was there a tab on someone’s tongue when I kissed them? Am I hallucinating? Because this can’t be happening. This is…impossible.
But I know I’m not high. I know I’m stone cold sober because I can feel everything I’m not supposed to be feeling as I start to really accept my reality, that Mari is really standing in front of me.
Mari. I feel the coolness of panic. I feel the heat of surprise.
I feel the warmth of looking into their blue eyes again, at taking in their soft, curvy body, at recalling what it felt like in my arms.
“Lexi?” they ask, a deep frown stitching their eyebrows together.
They have a very short fringe, and the rest of their hair is an earlobe-length bob of messy curls, the ends dipped in purple.
They look almost exactly the same as the day I last saw them, apart from the fact they’re wearing little more than a T-shirt, and that’s when I notice that the T-shirt is mine.
“Lex,” I respond eventually, not sure how I feel about them wearing my clothes, especially when only half a glance at their body makes me suspect they’re not wearing anything else. Not even a bra or binder.
“Lex,” Mari repeats, and it sounds like each letter stings their tongue.
“What the fuck is going on?” I raise my voice, hoping it will summon Roos.
For a second, I entertain the idea that they found each other because of me.
That one of them – I’d put money on Roos – had the idea to put a post on social media about people who’ve been fucked over by Lex Williams, offering a ‘safe space’ to share their stories and commiserate together.
And of course, Mari would reply. Mari would inform Roos that they were the original scorned lover, my villain origin story.
Considering that Mari was my first and Roos was my last, it almost has some air of kismet or fate that they would find each other.
Not that I believe in that horse shit.
“I could ask you the same question.” Mari crosses their arms and leans against the side of the open door, effectively blocking my entrance into the flat.
“You’re standing in my ex-girlfriend’s apartment,” I tell them, and when their face becomes slack with shock, I know that my silly little fantasy was exactly that.
“You’re Roos’ ex?”
“Yes,” I confirm through gritted teeth. “What isn’t very clear is what you are to her.”
By the blush in Mari’s round cheeks, I already know the answer before they speak. “We hooked up.”
My stomach sinks. No, plummets. I feel winded by a knife piercing through both ventricles of my heart.
“Since when?” I decide to stick the knife in a little deeper.
“Last night,” they answer, and I know they’re being honest because I’m pretty sure my face is giving enough away that they could have said much longer if they wanted to, just to hurt me.
Suddenly, they turn away from staring at me coldly, and they rest their forehead against the door. “The gallery… Of course. Fuck.”
“What about the gallery?” I demand. I feel ridiculous standing in the corridor like a fool wearing yesterday’s clothes and the arousal of at least three other people on my skin, but I’m not about to push Mari to let me in. I keep expecting them to slam the door in my face.
“I bumped into Roos there,” Mari says, still more talking to themself. “She must have been there to see your exhibit, just like I was.”
“My exhibit?” I ask, and the hope in my voice is a loud, ugly thing.
Mari’s head snaps back to me. “I didn’t go in,” they say sharply.
I can’t help but laugh. Mari finally found her sardonic side. They’re clearly no longer the pushover they used to be.
“What are you laughing at?”
“You’ve changed,” I tell them through my chuckles. “You’ve grown up.”
“Of course I’ve fucking grown up!” Mari shouts, and the words echo down the concrete corridor I’m standing in. “What did you expect to happen when you fucked off and left? Did you think I’d stay frozen in time? Forever ready to take your shit again?”
“No,” I say calmly, and yes, maybe a little coolly. “That’s the last thing I wanted to happen. In fact, that’s why I left you.”
Mari’s jaw tightens, and their eyes become as sharp as lasers. Their fingers gripping the door turn white with effort. When they speak, it’s in a low hiss. “That’s why you left? For my own fucking good?”
“You wouldn’t understand,” I say with a wave that’s as dismissive as my tone. “I still don’t really know what the fuck you’re doing here, but I’ve decided I don’t care. What I do care about is Roos. I want to see Roos.”
“Maybe Roos doesn’t want to see you.” Mari pushes the door so it closes a little more, and without thinking, I reach out a hand to stop its progress.
“Maybe Roos doesn’t want to see who?” a sleepy voice comes from behind Mari.
I hear Mari tut as they reluctantly open the door all the way, revealing Roos, who is rubbing sleep from her eyes.
Wearing just her head scarf, underwear, and a cotton vest top I recognise with a sweet ache, I itch to reach out and grab her, but I hold back.
It’s the right decision because when she removes her hand and sees me standing there, her face falls.
“Lex,” she says with a croak. “What are you–”
“I can tell them to fuck off.” Mari has their eyes pinned on Roos.
“Xem,” Roos says with a sigh, her eyes still taking me in.
“What?” Mari asks.
“Xir pronouns are xe/xem/xir,” Roos says tightly.
“Oh.” Mari looks at me. “Is that new?”
I blink in confusion at Mari’s question.
How would they know about my pronouns? Or the gallery, for that matter?
And then it hits me. Social media. They must follow me or at least know about my accounts.
I try to ignore the surge of pride or delight this gives me – I can’t figure out which one this is – but I fail, and because I’m a dick, it quickly translates to smugness.
“I haven’t updated my Instagram yet,” I tell Mari with a smirk. “But consider this an exclusive sneak peek.”
“Oh, fuck off,” Mari spits.
“Wait!” Roos holds up her hands. “Do you two know each other?”
Mari and I stare at each other, locked in a stand-off of who is going to explain.
“Oh, fuck, you do!” Roos holds her hand up to her mouth, and for a second looks, she like she’s about to pass out. “Were you both together? Back in the UK?”
“Together,” Mari says bitterly and follows it up with a snort and an eye roll.
“I don’t get it,” Roos looks between Mari and me, desperately seeking an explanation.
“We were friends,” I explain. “Best friends, in fact. For most of high school. And then…we… Yeah, we were together. For a while–”
“For three years!” Mari interrupts. Their voice is loud and scolding.
“But then we broke up,” I add, keeping my tone low and calm because I’m not going to take Mari’s bait.
“We broke up,” Mari repeats in a sarcastic, childlike mimic. “Lex dumped me. Xe dumped me out of nowhere and then left for Amsterdam a week later.”
Roos turns to look at me. “Is that true?”
“I asked you to come with me!” I shout at Mari, remembering far too well that New Year’s Eve when I saw them and realised there was a possibility I couldn’t live without them. “You said no.”
“You asked me two days before you left. I was an afterthought. And you were drunk when you asked!”
They’re not wrong. I feel foolish and defensive. “Why are you not over this? It was ten years ago!”
“You left me without a real explanation!” Mari contests.
“But that’s what you did to me,” Roos points a finger at her chest. “Twice.”
Another snort from Mari has me itching to slam the door shut on this whole moment. I did not come here to have them gang up on me. I didn’t even come here to see Mari. I never wanted to see Mari again.
“Why doesn’t that surprise me?” Mari says, and their eyes look like they could shoot arrows.
“Look, I’m over this.” I hold my hands up. “I came to see Roos, not dig up my past!”
“You covered it.” Mari surprises me by reaching for my arm, the one that is a full black ink sleeve, stretching all the way down to the base of my fingers; only my wrist and hand are visible where they emerge from the thick jumper I’m wearing.
They’re referring to the X I had tattooed onto my hand, the same one they still have.
“I covered all my tattoos on that arm.” I pull my sleeve back slightly.
“Yeah, but that one…” They hold up their own hand and show me their X. “That one we got together.”
I don’t meet their eyes but looking at their arm – all their plump flesh, all the new tattoos and the ink I remember despite myself – isn’t exactly easy either. “We got lots of tattoos together. I’ve got many more with many others, too.”
They drop my arm like it just burst into flames.
“I can’t believe you know each other,” Roos says, but it’s so quiet, I don’t think it was intended for us to hear.
“I came to see you, Roos,” I switch to Dutch. “I flew all the way back from Seattle to see you.”
This has both Roos and Mari changing their body language. Roos straightens up and looks at me, questioning and uncertain. Mari squares their shoulders and frowns, their eyes flicking between me and Roos.
“What did xe say?” they ask Roos.
“It’s none of your business,” I tell Mari.
“Xe said that xe came to see me. That xe flew back from Seattle to see me.”
“Manipulative cunt,” Mari hisses at me.
My hands ball into fists. “Again, this has got nothing to do with you.”
“If you want me to get rid of xem, I will.” Mari places their hand on Roos’ arm, and my reaction is visceral. I want to rip them apart, but I don’t move, don’t breathe, don’t even blink as I stare at the contact.
“It’s fine.” Roos closes her eyes for a second and takes in a deep breath. When her eyes open, she’s looking at me. “Lex, this isn’t a good time.”
“No shit,” Mari mumbles, but they’re silenced when Roos pins a deadly stare on them.
“Then when should I come back?” I hate how seeing Mari here has made me more determined than ever to stake my claim on Roos, to rekindle what I lost, but I’m too blinded by it to interrogate it.
“I…I don’t know. Mari doesn’t have long in Amsterdam. I want to see them more before they go.”
Mari has the nerve to puff out their chest and fold their arms under their big fucking tits like they’ve just won this round. I grind my teeth and focus on the part that Roos said about them leaving. They are not here to stay.
“Although, I may change my mind if they keep acting like this,” Roos adds as she takes in Mari’s stance.
I let another laugh escape me.
“Jesus, what the fuck happened between you?” Roos asks but then holds her hands up to stop either of us speaking. “Wait, no, I don’t want to know.”
“Roos, it’s not a big deal. Me and Mari, we’re history.” I take a small step forward. “And I can come back later, but I also need to grab some of my things if you still have them.”
Roos takes a moment to look at me, and then her shoulders sink. “You don’t have a place to stay, do you?”
“No, but that’s not why I’m here. I can afford a hotel, or I can stay with someone else, but I did want to get some of my clothes.”
“You left six months ago!” Roos raises her voice for the first time. “Did you think I’d just hold onto everything for you like some free storage unit?”
“No, I didn’t expect anything, but–” I slowly point at Mari, or specifically their T-shirt– “it looks like you’ve kept hold of some of my things.”
Mari looks down at the T-shirt, at the wolf howling up at the sky. They grimace. “This is yours?”
“Yep.” I smirk at them. I can’t help it. “Looks good on you.”
Mari takes a quick step closer to me, and it’s a reminder of so many things.
Their smell – a crisp, clean musk that has undertones of eucalyptus and jasmine, their curves, and the way I always think we’re the same height but, in reality, I’m actually an inch shorter.
I hold onto my smug smile as they stare me down.
“Fuck. You,” they bite out before pulling the T-shirt over their head and thrusting it into my chest. I reach for it and look down at Mari’s full breasts when I reach my hands up to catch it. My core tightens, and my mouth goes dry.
But then they’re gone, walking down Roos’ corridor with their middle finger raised above their head for me to see.