Chapter Ten
Mari
I dress in a hurry, only fastening one side of my dungarees and not bothering to find my socks. Roos can keep them as a souvenir. She can put them in the drawer with all Lex’s things that she’s kept hold of, ready to give to another future lover.
Not that I think any of this is Roos’ fault – far from it. I feel terrible for her that she’s starting to learn that her shitty ex has been a shitty ex to many people before. But I’m angry, so fucking angry, that this happened, that Lex ruined what was such a perfect night.
Because that’s exactly what xe has done.
Xe has appeared as if from nowhere, like a literal fucking ghost, and xe has changed everything.
With the tip of one of the many piercings in Lex’s ears, xe has burst the bubble Roos and I had built around ourselves.
No, it was stronger, sturdier than a bubble.
It was a cocoon; warm and cosy and full of hope. Transformative.
But now, I feel exposed and furious, and I just need to get out of here. I need to get away from xem.
I find my phone on the floor and switch it back on. I briefly watch a small flurry of notifications arrive, and I swipe most of them away until I see one from K1NK. I open it up and feel a small flip in my stomach when I see it’s from HungTransMan, or Joel, as Roos knows him.
I smile briefly, temporarily forgetting the chaos of the last half an hour as I imagine going to QISS tonight or tomorrow night and letting some strangers help me forget all about Lex.
But Roos. I don’t want to forget about Roos, it just feels like now I can’t possibly think about her without thinking about xem, and I hate that.
I fucking hate that. Without replying, I pocket my phone and give Roos’ room one last look.
The clothes on the floor, the plants hanging from the curtain rail, the stack of romance novels on her bedside table, the perfume bottles, and the tray of burned-down candles that have melted into one another.
I felt immediately at home here. I felt…
Too much, too soon. And now I’m getting burned because of it.
Stomping back down the corridor, Roos and Lex have barely moved, although Lex is now inside the flat and the door is closed behind xem.
“Where are you going?” Roos asks as I pick up my jacket and scarf from the hooks on the wall.
“To the tattoo convention,” I say, deliberately avoiding Lex’s eyes.
“Tattoo convention,” xe repeats. “So you did it. You’re a tattoo artist, like your mum.”
I snap my head in xir direction as I poke my arms into my jacket. “I’m a tattoo artist, like me.”
I don’t hate comparisons to my mother, who is regarded as one of the best tattoo artists in the southwest of England, if not the whole country. I just detest every single word that comes out of xir mouth.
“How is she, your mum?” Lex has the nerve to ask.
“Are you fucking for real right now?” I ask and don’t bother to wrap my scarf around my neck, I just hang it over my shoulders and do my best not to trip on it as I walk past Roos and Lex, very deliberately avoiding any kind of physical contact.
“Wait, Mari!” Roos calls out.
I’m right in front of the door. I could be gone in two seconds. I’d never have to see either of them again. And yet, I turn back to her.
“Can I see you again?” she asks me, her grey-green eyes wide and pleading as she adds, “I want to see you again.”
I wonder if I squint, would Lex just blur out of my vision?
I try it. It doesn’t work. Besides, I can smell xem – that same heady scent from ten years ago, sage and lily and rain on a summer’s day.
And even if I closed my eyes completely, my mind would probably and cruelly conjure up xir image behind my eyelids.
Those cropped black chinos, xir bright red moccasins, xir thick baby-blue woollen jumper that has loose threads all over it but not in a ‘oops, I snagged one’ kind of way, more in a ‘some knitwear designer intended for this piece to look just like this and charged hundreds of pounds for it too’. Fuck, Amsterdam is treating xem well.
“Please.” Roos steps forward, and while it brings her closer to me, it also places her directly in front of Lex, closing the triangle that we have accidentally become.
“I want to see you again,” I tell Roos and only Roos.
“I really, really do. But this…” I wave my hand around, although I may just as well point directly at Lex.
“This is the last thing I need right now. And I really should go to the convention. It’s why I’m here, after all, and if I go back on Tuesday and haven’t met half the people my mum asked me to–”
“Tuesday?” Roos looks almost ready to cry. “You said last night you’d try and stay another week.”
I bite my lip, just to feel something sharp. Or rather, something else sharp. “That was last night,” I say.
“Can I at least have your number?” Roos asks. “Then we can talk more. Later.”
I know exactly what she means. Later. When Lex isn’t there, which suggests xe is going to stay for a while. Because Lex always gets xir own way.
“Fine,” I agree.
“Great.” Roos’ smile is quick and weak. She rushes off to find her phone, calling out, “Stay right there!”
I do as I’m told, although it costs me. It costs me to stand less than two feet away from Lex and all xir silver piercings covering both ears.
Xir thick silver septum hoop, the piercing my mum did for xir, as a fucking gift.
From this side angle, I can see just how short xir hair is – shaved close enough to the scalp to reveal a couple of tattoos on the back of xir head.
One looks like a traditional American piece, a phoenix rising from red, orange, and yellow flames, and I hate that I want to have a closer look at it. So instead, I look away.
It's no surprise that xe doesn’t look at me either, nor do we share any words.
And then Roos is back, unlocking her phone and thrusting it into my hand.
I type in my number and call it. As I hand it back to Roos, Lex looks down at the screen.
“You’ve still got the same number,” xe says, and I’m so startled by the implication xe remembers my number from ten whole years ago that I don’t say anything. I just blink at xem.
“I’ll call you,” Roos says. “Later. This evening. Okay?”
I nod at Roos. If only Lex could just disappear.
“Later, then.” I move to step past Lex so I can kiss Roos. It feels as natural as taking my next breath or lifting my head to the sunshine, but I see Roos flinch before I get close enough. Her eyes dart to Lex and then back to me. I pull back.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” I say to nobody and all of us. I’m shaking my head as I turn away and finally, finally walk out the door, too petty to stop myself from slamming it shut behind me.