Chapter Twenty-Eight
Roos
It’s a good thing I’m holding Mari’s hand in one palm and a bottle of water in the other, because I can feel the muscles in my arms twitch to respond to Mother Maria’s invitation. To Lex’s invitation.
How many times has xe taken me on that stage? How many times has xe fucked me until I forgot all the darkness in my life? How many times have we shown this very audience all the ways we were connected, bonded, in love?
It doesn’t seem right that we can have such intense moments together for months and months and then…nothing. It all disappears, evaporates in a puff of air. It no longer is.
Isn’t that why I made the stage mine and Mari’s tonight?
Isn’t that why I’ve agreed to keep playing with Mari here?
Because I wanted to reclaim this space and replace those memories?
Isn’t that why I chose to dominate tonight?
Because I finally felt ready to be more than Lex’s one-time plaything?
And to have xem witness it… That was supposed to bury all those memories of xir and me once and for all.
Then why did I effectively invite xem to come and watch?
And why does my hand itch to be lifted, to volunteer for Lex?
I’ve buried nothing. I’ve only added more memories to a pile that my brain still sifts through far too regularly.
“You can, if you want,” I hear a voice. It’s Mari. I snap my attention to them, studying their expression in the dim light.
“What?”
“I mean it,” they explain. “If you want to go up there, you can.”
Their eyes are wide, their mouth is small, and there’s a crease between their eyebrows. It’s impossible to say if that frown is earnest or fearful.
“But…” But what about us? I want to say, but that’s not a conversation we can have. Not now. I had hoped we’d head to an aftercare room and have it once we were both rehydrated and washed clean. But that was before Lex took to the stage.
I shake my head. “I don’t want to,” I say, and it hurts to lie to Mari, even if part of me feels relief at making this decision.
“Are you sure?” Mari whispers.
There are more voices audible now. Chairs scrape, and there is the clip-clop of footsteps on the wooden floor. Somebody else has come forward.
“It doesn’t matter now.” I nod at a slim, young, femme-presenting person who steps up onto the stage.
I don’t recognise them, which isn’t unusual, but I feel a bit unsettled by it.
But then I realise that had I known who it was, that probably would have been worse.
“We should go find a room for aftercare.”
Mari blinks at me, looks back at the stage, and then at me again. “No,” they say firmly. “I want to stay.”
I glance up at the stage, at Lex shaking hands with the femme. I hear Mother Maria introducing her as Anneke, telling us that she has she/her pronouns. “You want to stay and watch?”
Mari doesn’t look at me when they answer. Their stare is fixed on Lex. “Yes, I want to watch.”
“Okay,” I reply in a quiet voice. “Okay. Let’s go find a table.”
*****
We find a vacant table towards the back of the room, just off the side of the bar.
Our distance from the stage means we can’t hear a single word of Lex and Anneke’s discussion, but we can hear the chiming and tinkering sounds of the bar staff at work.
Not that I think Lex and Anneke’s conversation is one for all of us.
It’s quite clear from their body language and bowed heads that they’re discussing boundaries and swapping safe words.
It’s a natural pause in the action, and Mari and I take full advantage to settle into our chairs and catch the attention of a member of staff.
We order two soft drinks and two portions of complimentary nuts, and then we sit back and wait.
I don’t know if Mari is finding it hard to take deep breaths or if it’s just me. I wonder if their chest feels tight, their breasts heavy, and if they can feel their blood pumping between their legs.
I should have made myself climax already.
I should have gotten rid of all this built-up pressure in my core.
I was so swept away in Mari’s delicious, delayed orgasm that I forgot to come myself.
Which feels like it should have been an impossibility, considering how turned on I was. How turned on I still am.
I’m jolted back into the room when I feel Mari’s hand under the table, squeezing my leg. “Are you okay?” they ask.
I nod before I speak. I always nod at that question. Even if I’m not. Even if I don’t have the words to back it up. I always answer in the affirmative with a head nod.
And I am okay. I think. Sure, I’m a bit perplexed why Mari wants to watch Lex fuck someone on the stage.
Sure, I’m feeling more envy than I should of this Anneke person who gets to share that with Lex.
Sure, I am scared this will change things between Mari and me.
On the stage, we were so clearly connected, and I was convinced we’d leave QISS as a real couple.
But now, as Mari insists we watch Lex, I’m not sure of anything.
“I’m okay,” I finally follow up. “You?”
“Yeah, I…” They close their mouth, but still I wait. “I don’t want this to take away from what we did on stage. That was…incredible.”
I smile despite my worries. “Yes, it was.”
I want to ask them why they want to watch Lex. I want to know what it will do for them. I want to know what’s changed, if something indeed has changed.
“You probably think this is super weird.” Mari leans even closer, their hair brushing against my cheek. Not for the first time, I wonder if they can read my mind. “Me wanting to watch Lex.”
“Yeah, I mean…yeah. It is a bit. But I told xem we were coming so…” I don’t finish that sentence.
“Do you want to watch xem?” I feel the way the tables turn like it’s a physical thing.
“Yes, I do,” I admit.
“And does it make any sense?”
“Yes and no.”
“Exactly,” Mari says as if this explains everything, but I just feel more confused.
Our drinks arrive, and we both reach for them greedily. We tuck into the nuts quickly, and our conversation halts as we eat.
It’s in this pause that we also look up and see something is happening on the stage.
Or rather, something is about to happen.
Anneke is already suspended in the sex swing on the stage, her legs wide open.
She is completely naked but for a leather collar around her neck.
She has a slim body, the kind that I suspect careful eating and regular running or the gym is responsible for.
That or exceptional genetics. Her hair is long and golden-red, and it flows out behind her like ribbons blowing in the wind.
The swing is suspended so that it can turn 360 degrees, and I can’t help but wonder what it feels like to be Anneke right now.
Completely contained and yet completely free too.
We never did try the sex swing, Lex and me. I wish we had.
Maybe we could one day in the future, I have the audacity to think. Lex and Mari and me.
I push these wild ideas away and watch Lex return to stand close to Anneke.
Xe has taken xir blazer off and is wearing just a tight white vest top and men’s chinos.
Xe already has a harness on over xir trousers and xe is fixing a dildo in place like it’s the most natural thing xe does.
Despite myself, I feel blood rush south, and I start to fidget in my chair.
Mari seems to notice, and they place their hand on my leg again.
I grab and squeeze. I may not know what their motivation is to sit and watch this, and I’m even more doubtful of mine, but if we’re going to do it, we can at least try to enjoy it together.
“Xe doesn’t know we stayed,” Mari leans over again to say. There is unquestionably more conviction in their voice. “As far as xe knows, we’re in an aftercare room, not giving a shit what xe is doing.”
I raise my eyebrows, ready to contest this. It’s possible, but it’s not the truth.
Mari’s hand climbs up my leg, and they grab another handful of my thigh.
It immediately makes me close my mouth and try to ease into the lie.
I’m not a natural at that. So much of my childhood and youth felt like I was living a lie – forced to “doe normaal” when it felt anything but normal to wear certain clothes and have my hair cut short – so it’s not easy for me to pretend in any situation.
I take personal pride in living my truth and sharing it.
It’s why I never held back my feelings for Lex.
It’s why I appreciated Mari’s honesty when they said they needed space.
But right now, Mari wants to pretend. They want to imagine we’re not Lex’s exes. They want to pretend the person up on the stage, now strapped up and stroking the curves of Anneke’s backside, is a stranger. They want to forget all our messy, messy history and just watch.
And by the way their hand slides further up my leg and their knuckles brush my groin, I think they also want to play while we watch.
Maybe I’m so turned on from what Mari and I just did on stage. Maybe I’m just forever weak when it comes to Lex. Maybe my recent insomnia and headaches have just exhausted me to the point where I have no resistance. Maybe it’s something else, or maybe I just want this.
I exhale as I lean back in my chair, and I slide my lower body down so Mari has better access. I am not surprised when her hand climbs higher and she undoes the small zip in my PVC trousers. My breath hitches when she slides her hand inside and finally touches my flesh.
“Open your eyes,” Mari says. I do as they say, not even realising I had closed them.
“Watch xem.”