Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
FINN
Not being able to immediately give Curtis an answer on making more porn has haunted me for days, and in return, he has decided to haunt me. He uploaded a video using the toy I bought him for my apology tour.
What an asshole. A hot, attractive, I-want-to-fuck-him-on-camera kind of asshole.
On the one hand, getting to have sex with him again is a huge argument for the pro column. So is the fact that I had fun with it, and the tips that came through have given my middling savings a healthy boost.
The biggest markers for the cons column are not wanting to affect my job chances and having to act a part.
Being with Curtis isn’t something I’m consciously aware of doing.
As soon as I’m around that man, I’m in a skin-buzzing, mouth-numbing haze.
The idea of having to take on a persona is …
strange. Could I do it? Maybe. I fake confidence at work all the time.
But I’m a nurse. I love being a nurse. I might not want to go back into emergency and excruciating hours, but being there to help people is something that I want again.
Life as a porn star sounds exciting, and I love sex, love getting to feel and experience as it’s happening, but from what Curtis said, that’s not necessarily the case when you’re doing it for the camera.
I’m not sure I can keep it impersonal and professional with Curtis.
Maybe wanting to have sex with him again should be moved to the cons column.
The problem with all of this is that looking down at the storm cloud of emotions in his eyes made it hard to focus on anything but my deep ache to make it better.
I care about Curtis. More than friendly flirting and impersonal fucking should bring.
More than I should care about a person being perfectly clear he can’t offer me anything.
And even with all of that … I want to do it anyway.
Even with the potential to ruin everything.
Even with creampie69 saying he was unsubscribing because Curtis is cheating on him. And frotandnut commenting that my cock made him lose his boner.
At the end of the day, those comments hurt a whole lot less when hundreds of others were clearly into what we did. But most importantly: Curtis was into it.
Then he said the words that made my orgasm high evaporate.
I regret we didn’t get it on camera.
What was real to me was another job to him, and if I continue this with him, I need to remember that. Because while I might be focused on all the other pros and cons, what it really comes down to is whether my emotions can handle it.
Sometimes I hate being a romantic.
Why can’t I be a fuckboy instead? A fuckboy would have no issues taking Curtis up on the offer of multiple orgasms.
I’ve picked up my phone so many times to text him, but there isn’t much to say. So instead of doing that, I leave my phone in my room and head up to the main house.
Melanie was going out, but I heard David pull up not too long ago, and I want to check in on how he went with Beth.
When I get inside, he’s watching TV, ignoring the laptop open in front of him.
“Early finish,” I comment.
Their living room is mostly whites and creams against dark floorboards, and while it’s cozy now, I can only imagine how it will look after they have kids.
“Yeah …” David spares me a tired smile. “I’ve had a lot pulling at my attention.”
“Your mom?”
“That and the wedding. Melly knows what she’s doing, but I still like to be involved and take whatever stress off her that I can. Then there’s the whole when-to-start-a-family thing. I’m questioning if I’m even capable of being a good dad, but I want to give Mom grandkids before …”
He lets the sentence fade away, and so do I. “Why don’t you think you’ll be a good dad?”
“Because I’m not a good son. How the hell am I supposed to look after a kid when I can’t even look after a grown adult?”
Oh, holy shit. “I’m not a therapist or whatever, but I think this might be your guilt talking.
I’m so, so sorry for what’s happening with Beth, but I’ve known you for a while now, and I know the type of person you are.
I know my sister wouldn’t be marrying you if you weren’t a good person.
I have no experience being a parent, and while it looks hard and fun all at the same time, it’s something you learn.
Plus, you’d be doing it with Melanie, and you can’t tell me she wouldn’t be an awesome mother. ”
“That’s true …” He runs his hand back over his hair, and this time, his smile is still tired but more genuine. “Sorry to dump all that on you.”
“That’s okay. It’s needed sometimes.” Even though it’s probably adding more stress to him, I ask, “Have you thought about getting your mom more help?”
“Curtis and I have been trading off going over there. I’m taking over from him in a few hours.”
Great. Curtis has been dealing with all of that and radio silence from me over the past few days. “Do you think that’s a long-term solution?”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m her son. It’s my job to look after her.”
“I’d argue it’s your job to support her. And that can be done in a lot of different ways. Including having someone with more experience help out as well.”
“Like, putting her into a home?” Based on his bitter tone, that won’t be an option for a while.
“Or having people do home visits. At least to start with.”
“I … I don’t know …” The war going on behind his eyes isn’t something I ever want to have to experience. “I wouldn’t know who to contact, and …”
No more excuses come. “If you’d like, I can get more information and options for you. I have the time, and it would be my thank-you for letting me stay.”
“Finn …” He almost looks offended, and at first, I worry it’s from my offer. “You’re family. You’re always welcome to stay.”
Except if I wasn’t here, would it mean Beth could move into their guesthouse instead?
Screw it. I need to stop freeloading and take whatever job I’m offered next, whether I’m interested in it or not. Then I can find an apartment and free up the space.
Until then, I’m going to gather all the information I can find.
I give David’s shoulder a quick squeeze. “Do you need anything before I head back out?”
“No. Thank you. I’m going to shower and get moving.”
I say goodbye and head back out to my place. It would have been good to get David’s opinion on my “job opportunity,” but he has enough on his mind, and with all the things he’s going through, it really does make my worries seem trivial.
So what that I might fall for the guy and get my heart broken?
I get to have hot sex and make some money from it in the meantime. Sex work was never on my dream board, but I can’t lie and say it isn’t appealing.
My next job interview isn’t for a week and a half, and who knows if anything will come from it. I need to start making money and stop relying on Melanie and David’s kindness, and this is one way to do it.
One way that will also mean more time with Curtis.
Since he’s with Beth, instead of texting Curtis, I open Money Shot and message Gunner instead. That way, he can ignore my messages until he’s ready.
KingdomHearts
How are comments still coming through on our video?
He doesn’t leave me waiting long.
Gunner
We’re hot. It’s not a mystery.
KingdomHearts
Correction: my genitals are hot.
Gunner
Your cock and balls, yes. Do you believe me yet?
Can the answer to that be a yes when it’s not as though people could see anything else? If I show my full body, will the lack of actual muscles turn people off? I’m not all that tanned either, and I probably need to do a hell of a lot more manscaping than I have been.
I’m snapped from those thoughts when my phone rings.
I hurry to answer.
“You’re in your head again, aren’t you?” Curtis asks.
“How could you tell?”
“Your flirty messages are usually quick.”
I listen for any heaviness or sadness in his tone, but it’s missing, and I really hope that means Beth is having a good day. “I wouldn’t say I was in my head, just thinking.”
“About?”
I’m almost holding my breath against the nerves as I answer him. “How mean you are for using that toy I gave you as an apology without me even there.”
“So you watched it, then.”
“Of course I did.”
“And what did you think?”
“It made me think … whether I need to shave my stomach before it’s on camera.”
It shouldn’t make me so happy to hear him laugh. “Is that you saying you’ll do it?”
“Yes.” I’m still in two minds, still worried about the emotional pulp I’m about to become, but the lightness in Curtis’s voice makes it all worth it. “Sorry it took me so long to have an answer for you, but it’s a lot to commit to, you know?”
“I don’t, actually. It was never a big deal to me, but even if I don’t get it, I’m glad you took the time to think about it. I don’t want you saying yes if you’re not comfortable.”
“I’m comfortable.” Probably.
“Good.”
“Excellent.” Before we can go back and forth on it, I add, “But only as long as I don’t show my face.”
“Easy.”
He’s the professional, so I’ll take his word on it. “Are you sure you don’t mind sharing your tips with me though? You built that audience and—”
“Relax. We’ll work out a contract that makes sense for us both.”
“A contract?” That sure as hell saps the romance out of it. Which is a good thing.
“Yeah. We’re friends, and I’m not going to screw you over, but this is still business. It’s needed. I’d also suggest that you start your own channel as well so you can take advantage of cross-promotion but—”
“No, thanks.” I don’t even need to think about it. “This is a fun thing to do with you, make a bit of money, but ultimately, I can’t see it being long-term.” Which is the most basic way of saying that I’m only doing this so I get to have him. Even fictionally. The money is a bonus.
“I should be home in a few hours if you want to come over? We can talk out filming ideas and the contract and go from there.”
Talking filming ideas might not be sexy enough to make up for the contract talk, but fuck. I’m doing this.
Look out, world. Finn Healy is about to be a porn star.
“I’ll see you then.”