Chapter 25
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
FINN
Hanging out with Curtis is great in theory.
Unfortunately, in reality, it’s much harder to be chill and casual with our sex contract resting in front of us.
“So …” I say, trying to pull a topic out of my ass. “Ready for the wedding?” That isn’t for another year …
Instead of answering, Curtis pats me on the head as he stands and crosses to the TV. He’s back a moment later with two controllers.
“Sorry I don’t have Kingdom Hearts, but I assume car racing is fine?”
“Car racing? What a bro game.”
He drops back beside me, and I swear he’s closer this time. “You don’t judge me for doing porn, but this, you do?”
“Of course. Video game choice tells a lot about a person.”
He ignores my fake grumbling and turns it on anyway. As far as distractions go, it’s a good one. You can’t customize your car with spiraling thoughts.
It’s not until we’re halfway through the first lap that Curtis talks again.
“Why did you really move to Alberta?”
That’s not a question I’m expecting. “To support Mel.”
“Liar.”
“Excuse me?”
“Look, it’s not that I don’t think you’re a great brother or the supportive type, because you are. But you had a great job, you’re smart, I assume you had friends in Chicago … uprooting your whole life isn’t a small thing.”
He’s right about that. Melanie was a convenient excuse, and it’s not something I could have done on my own, but even I can’t really pinpoint my exact reason for being so excited about the idea.
Then, with one sentence, Curtis makes it all clear. “You said Gunner made you feel not so alone.”
“Shit.” My car crosses the finish line second, and I set down the controller. “I was lonely.”
“You didn’t know that?”
“No, I knew that. I …” It’s the weirdest thing that I could know it, but having someone say it back makes it feel real.
“My last job was draining. We were constantly understaffed, so I picked up double shifts and overtime to the point my days off were for sleeping. I had friends in Chicago, but I’m only now realizing it’s been forever since I hung out with any of them. ”
“Damn, I’m sorry.”
His sympathy feels nice, but it was my fault. There are only so many times your invites can be rejected before friends stop making the effort. “Work became my life, and Gunner was my escape from it.”
“I’ve never been happier to upload porn.”
“Why did you do it?” I ask. “What first made you decide to want to be a porn star?”
“I have ugly feet, so photos were out.” He sets up another game, and I pick up my controller again, but I’m not going to let this drop.
“You made me tell you something real, so fair game. Come on.”
He flicks a sly look my way that I only catch because I can’t keep my eyes off his face. Screw the game, Curtis is way prettier to look at. “Why are you so annoying?”
“Part of my charm.”
He wrinkles his nose like he’s trying to stop himself from agreeing.
“Needed a way to support myself. You know my parents are absent from my life, and I always felt bad relying on Beth. I could have gotten a job waiting tables or whatever, which would have paid fine, but it also would have taken a lot of time away from my design stuff.”
“Why don’t you focus on that? You’re really good.”
The game starts, and I reluctantly pull my gaze away from him.
“The only people I’ve ever talked about the porn with before have been ex-boyfriends.
They had a right to know what I do for a living, and every single one of them made me feel like dirt about it or tried to make me quit.
” Curtis’s car goes off road and into a wall, and it’s only then that I realize he’s looking at me.
“Asking me why I’m not focused on something other than porn feels like one of the conversations my exes would use to segue into their discomfort about it. ”
My jaw drops, and it takes me a minute to put my thoughts back in order.
“No, that’s not what I meant at all. The porn is …
it’s …” Honestly, it’s none of my business what he does with his free time, and considering how long I’ve subscribed, it would be hypocritical of me to judge him.
“Look. Complete honesty. The porn is hot. Knowing I’m going to be in it with you, when literally every single one of your subscribers has fantasized about that …
Curtis, I don’t think you know what a flex that is.
” A laugh sneaks out. “I get to be that guy, and we’re going to be having sex.
Heavily staged and dramatic sex, sure, but I will be having sex.
With you. And people will be paying us for it.
That’s wild.” He lets some of his guard down.
“And to top it off, you’re this really cool guy who I genuinely like?
I’m sorry, but your exes were idiots.” I hesitate on that because I don’t like talking badly about others.
“Actually, let me rephrase. They were insecure. It’s okay if they didn’t feel comfortable dating someone who does porn for a living, but it’s not okay for them to make you feel shit about it. ”
One side of Curtis’s lips tugs upward. “Thanks.”
“I was only asking because David and Melanie are always talking about how good you are, you seem to get a decent amount of work, and it seems to make you happy. Porn or no porn, I don’t understand why it isn’t something you’ve pursued.”
His reply sounds rehearsed. “There’s no work. Not steady work anyway. But I’m not about to tell them that I do porn for a living, so I stretch the truth about how employed I am.”
“Ohh …”
“Exactly.”
“Then my question stands even more.” I forget the game and turn to face him. “You’re not trying, but you say it’s what you want to do.”
“I could say the same of you and nursing. How many jobs have you turned down now?”
“Now you’re deflecting.” I can tell that Curtis knows how to answer my question, and I hate that he doesn’t immediately trust me with whatever is on his mind.
It’s not that I don’t understand why; it’s more that I regret ever doing anything to lose his trust. So I go first. “I don’t want to be lonely again.
I don’t want to live to work. Once I’m in those types of environments, I feel sort of indebted to my job.
Like, if they need me to pick up extra hours because my coworkers can’t, there’s no way I can leave them to struggle.
If someone with a family needs me to swap a shift, how do I put my night out above them spending time with their kids?
I can’t say no. I know I can’t. All the jobs so far have felt like more of the same. ”
“What do you want to do?”
“Help people.” That part hasn’t changed.
Curtis turns to face me as well. He’s all relaxed, muscular frame and scruffy stubble that’s longer than I’m used to. I guess with all the time spent at Beth’s, he’s had less time for himself. “You make it impossible to hate you.”
“You want to hate me?”
“No, I … I wish I could be more wary around you. Even after everything that’s happened, I trust you, and I can’t tell if it’s because you’re genuinely a good person or I enjoy screwing myself over.”
“I like to think it’s the first reason.”
“I like to think that too.” He chews on his thumbnail as he thinks, gaze trailing back to the TV where the racing music is still playing. “I’m scared.”
He shocks me for the second time tonight. “Of me?”
“No.” His tone makes it sound ridiculous, which I’d be offended about if it wasn’t true. “Of putting my art out there and it being rejected. I know that’s weird coming from someone who gets naked and orgasms on camera for thousands to see, but this is more …”
“Personal?”
“Exactly.”
“Yeah, it’s hard when it’s you getting in your own way. I know it doesn’t mean much, but your scribbles at Pictionary were amazing.”
“I’ll let the publishers know that you said so.”
His smile is soft and all for me, and it takes a moment to realize I’m giving him the same one back. “The answer is always no if you never try,” I point out.
“It’s trying and it still being a no that scares me.”
“Fair enough.” I can’t push him into anything because these are his demons. It’s so weird to think that Curtis is afraid though. This guy who seems capable of anything. “For what it’s worth, you’re maybe the bravest person I know.”
He holds my eye contact for the longest time. “Coming from you, that means a lot.”