Chapter 33
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
FINN
I give Curtis one day. One day to reach out and let me know that it was nothing and he knows we were both drunk and that he’s not ass-achingly angry at me for ruining what we had.
When I said love, it’s not like I meant it.
That would be ridiculous.
I’m not a ridiculous guy.
He doesn’t call though. I know I could probably reach out to him, but my hands are too busy strangling myself with my bedsheets. The fact this hurts the way it does … that it’s hard to breathe … that the lump in my throat won’t shift …
Even if I could call him, I’d be useless for a conversation anyway.
I fucked up. The night was full of happy vibes, a buzz that spread through my entire body, and it made me feel invincible. I was floating on a high and blurted out what I was feeling in that moment.
Trying to convince Curtis of that won’t be easy. One, because I’m embarrassed about how violent his recoil was after I said it, and two, I promised him I wouldn’t lie to him again.
If it really was the drunken euphoria making me say it, why does this hurt so much?
I might be able to squash the feeling down while sober, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Mel has just about everything organized for the wedding, so the day after the one I give him, I do something that I’ve never done in my life.
I run away.
The flight back to Chicago doesn’t help, but once I’m home, it means putting on a happy face, which distracts me the smallest amount. Mom has never been a fan of moping, and Dad would be so disappointed if he learned that I’m running from my problems instead of facing them.
Is it ironic that the reason I’m running is the reason I had money for the ticket home anyway? Who knows. But I get to play the part of attentive son and brother as I help my parents and Sophia, Mel’s maid of honor, get ready to head to Alberta.
A small part of me feels guilty for leaving Mel with everything for two days, but I have to keep reminding myself that she has an almost husband now, and Curtis will be there helping too.
Which is why I can’t be.
There’s no way I can face him, ever, after throwing myself at him and being rejected so harshly.
I can’t even blame him for it. All along, Curtis has told me exactly what he wants out of this, and it’s on me for not listening to him.
I’m torn on whether it’s the sloppy love declaration I’m most embarrassed about or that I couldn’t respect his boundaries.
I’m a horrible, horrible person.
“You okay, Big Healy?” Sophia asks. She couldn’t get away for the bachelorette party, but she’s booked a spa day with Melanie before the wedding to make up for it, which is why she’s traveling up with my parents.
We have to be at the airport before coffee o’clock tomorrow, so she’s in the spare room tonight so we can all leave together.
“I’m good,” I tell her, suddenly very interested in my parents’ boarding passes. “You were definitely seven fifteen too, weren’t you?”
She walks over and closes the laptop. “If you make me double-check the flights one more time, I’m going to imprison you in your room so you’ll miss it.”
“I’m nervous for Mel.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Am too.”
“Are fucking not. Come on, now. I’ve known you forever, pretty much clung to you like a barnacle during those teen years, and I know that when you get all twitchy, it’s because you’re stressing over something.”
“Stressed, huh?” I tap my lips. “Now, what could I possibly be stressing about?”
“Nope, not the wedding. You’re not excited stressed. You’re worried stressed.” She sets a hand on my head. “Your energy is uncharacteristically low.”
I swat her hand away. “Maybe because I flew down here and have to turn around and fly home again tomorrow.”
“There was absolutely no reason for you to come.”
“I wanted to be helpful.”
“Right. Because Mel doesn’t need any of that right now.”
I glare up at Sophia, hating how well she knows us. Not that it’s any surprise when we’ve known each other since we were in diapers. “How do you know that I’m not here to lock you in your room? Maybe I want to be maid of honor.”
“If only you had a chance of overpowering me.”
She has a point. I’m no match for her years of Muay Thai. “You’re right. I really didn’t think this through.”
“Finn …” She drops into the chair beside me. “Is this about your job? Are you homesick? Talk to me. You might not be able to talk to Mel, but you can’t bottle it up either. Mostly because you’ve never bottled up a thing in your life.”
I try to swallow, and this random, overwhelming need to cry catches me off guard. My nose gets all prickly, and it’s like my body is trying to sabotage me into talking when my eyes get all wet. I squeeze it all away, but it’s too late. Sophia’s face floods with sympathy.
“You met someone, didn’t you?” she asks softly.
I scowl. “Would it kill me to be mysterious just one time?”
“It might.”
The worst part is that I actually want to talk.
With Curtis scared off, my parents not exactly the most communicative people, and Melanie busy with the wedding, I really have no one.
Everyone in my life has slowly disappeared from it, which was all my fault as well.
I give Sophia my most evil glare. “You have to promise not to tell.”
“Promise.”
“I got really drunk at the bachelor party and told David’s brother that I love him.”
Whatever she was expecting, it wasn’t that. “Ohhh … sweetie …” She taps my hand like she’s trying for sympathy, but she’s in shock.
“You’re not so good with the comforting thing, are you?”
“Sorry … still processing. I …” She shakes away the blank look and grips my hand tighter. “You told Curtis you love him?”
“Very drunkenly, yes.”
“Mel is going to lose it when she finds out.” Her brain seems to click back online. “Wait. You’re not happy. He doesn’t feel the same?”
Having it shoved in my face like that makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide forever. “With how fast he ran out of there, I’m going to go with a no.”
“That asshole! Who the hell does he think he is? You’re a catch, Big H. He thinks he’s too good for you? He thinks he can do better? You wait. The second that wedding is over, I’m going to kick his ass.”
This time, I’m the one in shock. And when it wears off … I can’t help it, a laugh snorts out of my nose. “You are not going to beat him up.”
“Yeah, I really am.”
“As much as I love the love, I’m the one in the wrong here.
” My sigh is so pitiful, I can’t even deal with myself.
“Curtis warned me he wasn’t looking for anything.
He let me know, very clearly, that it was fooling around and nothing else.
I’m the one who didn’t listen, and even though I knew I was falling for him, I didn’t try to stop myself. ”
She taps her nails on the dining room table. “Okay, I can promise no bodily harm. I cannot promise that I won’t spend the entire wedding muttering under my breath what a dumbass he is and how you’re too good for him anyway.”
“He doesn’t deserve that.”
“Don’t care. Doing it anyway. Might also trip him back down the aisle.”
“Why don’t we save the insults and tripping for at least until after the wedding. Let him enjoy his brother getting married.”
She searches my expression. “Are you going to be able to enjoy your sister getting married?”
“Of course.” That’s not a lie either. I’m so goddamn happy for Melanie I could burst. Her day might not be everything she envisioned it would be, but when I checked whether she was going to regret the rush, she had absolutely no doubts.
She’s marrying the man she loves, and at the end of the day, that’s the whole point.
“It’s going to be torture,” I admit. “Seeing him. But there will be plenty of other people there and a lot going on that I’m sure I’ll be able to distract myself from the way my whole chest feels like it’s caving in. ”
“Ouch.”
“Yup.”
“Sounds like it wasn’t the alcohol that made you say it.”
I rub at the bruised feeling by my sternum. “Of course it was. We haven’t known each other long; it’s too early for that.”
“Not for a Healy,” Sophia says dryly. “The day Mel met David, she called me and told me she’d just met her husband. She’s never done that before, but she knew.”
“The difference is that David felt the same.”
“And you’re sure that Curtis doesn’t?”
He couldn’t have made it any clearer.
“Considering he shoved me away, looked like he was going to throw up, disappeared so fast I couldn’t find him again, and hasn’t reached out in two days …”
Sophia screws up her face. “Sounds definitive.”
“Exactly.”
“I’m sorry. If it will help, I’ll spend the wedding running interference.”
“No. You need to be focused on Mel. I’m a big boy. I can deal with some heartbreak.”
Her smile pulls wide. “Considering the heartbreak you caused me when I realized you were gay, I’m feeling a teeny tiny bit vindicated.”
“Wait … what?”
She cackles. “Relax. You were Mel’s cool older high school brother. I was convinced we were going to get married.”
“I didn’t come out until junior year.”
“Oh, I know. But I knew way before then.”
That doesn’t make sense. “I didn’t even know before then.”
“Maybe not consciously, but you were broadcasting loud and clear. To me, at least. I really thought I was in some massive, elaborate prank the way I’d see you checking out some guy’s ass or getting all tongue-tied over a cute guy, but no one else picked up on it.”
That information is almost shocking enough to make me forget the reason I ran away from Edmonton in the first place. “You had a crush on me?”
“I wish I had kept my notebooks. Mel and I had all these plans about being sisters when we were older. I actually think you broke her heart more than mine.”
“If I wasn’t still borderline hungover from the other night, I’d probably need a drink.”
“We are going to get very, very drunk at the wedding, and then you’re going to point me in the direction of a single and available friend as compensation for this therapy hour.”
“It’s barely been ten minutes.”
She gives me a pointed look.
“Fine. If I’m not going to get laid, someone should.”
“Maybe you should get laid. You can’t tell me they don’t have more queer friends who’d bone you.”
Alfie immediately jumps to mind, but while he’s attractive, there’s absolutely no interest there. Taking my frustration out on someone is appealing, but then I think of Curtis and hurt all over again.
“We’ll see what happens” is my nonanswer.
Sophia stands and taps the laptop. “Seven fifteen tomorrow?”
“Smart-ass.”
“I’ll see you in the morning.”
She disappears into the spare room, and I open the laptop again. There’s no way I’m going to get any sleep tonight, and with five days still until the wedding, it’s going to be next to impossible to successfully avoid Curtis until then.
There are only so many times I can flee to Chicago.
My regret is bone-deep that I can’t go back to that night and stop it from ever happening.