Chapter 34
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
CURTIS
Not going to lie. David calling me out makes me feel worse before it kicks me in the ass.
When I find out that Finn went to Chicago, I’m relieved.
But then, after long days of helping with wedding planning and getting last-minute things for David and Melanie, I go home to my empty one-bedroom apartment and sit alone in the dark.
David’s words repeat over and over in my head that this is what I do. I push people away so I don’t get hurt, yet here I am. Hurting.
Only this time, I’m realizing the entire reason I’m hurting is me. I can’t blame Finn for giving up on me, for leaving, because I was the one who walked away.
My tiny apartment has never felt so big, and I’ve never felt more isolated.
I love my life, there’s no denying that.
Yes, there are things I want that seem unreachable, but up until this past weekend, I would’ve been happy with what I have forever.
I don’t need a publishing deal. I don’t need a partner.
But Finn, along with David’s remarks, is making me realize I want those things.
I really want those things. And I’ll never get them if I don’t put myself out there.
If I cause the issues in my life, do I really have the right to complain when it all falls to shit?
That is how I find myself sitting on my couch with my laptop open, staring at the same open submission call on a publisher’s website, a page I’ve stared at a million times before.
I’ve been sitting here so long I’m almost at the point where I tell myself that if I’m not going to hit Submit, I may as well get my phone or camera out and jerk off—make money from selling a part of me that I’m not self-conscious about.
A lot of people might see what I do as baring my soul on camera, but to me, it’s only my body.
It’s an outer shell of the person I am on the inside, and it’s the inside that scares me.
Because if I let that inner me out and everyone leaves me, it proves that I’m unwanted. If people unsubscribe from Money Shot, the rejection is only superficial.
I glance at my phone on the armrest next to me and stare at it for a good ten minutes, wondering, not for the first time, how taking my clothes off for thousands to see is less daunting than hitting submit on my graphic novel.
I need to close my eyes and do it. It’s all there. It’s all uploaded. Just hit. The. Fucking. Button.
I wish I were in a movie, some rom-com where I’d own a cute, fluffy cat who’d jump onto my lap and accidentally hit Submit for me.
I’m reminded of when Finn was here, our first time filming. I asked him if he needed a gentle nudge or to back off. Why does it come so naturally while supporting other people but so fucking hard when I need to support myself?
Channeling every thought toward Finn and the way he embraced it all, even through his hesitance, I finally have the courage to hit the Enter button and submit my novel.
And while the world doesn’t end the second it’s sent off, I have a split second of panic when the option to undo it passes. It’s only a matter of time before I’m going to have to deal with that rejection email, and I’m not ready for it.
There are countless publishers out there, a lot of agents, so I know if this is a bust, I can try another, and then another, but for some reason, all that’s running through my head is, “If I don’t get a deal from this, there’s no point trying again.
” Even though I know that’s not the way I should be thinking, it doesn’t stop me from actually thinking it.
I hate myself for that.
I also hate myself for running away from Finn.
I shouldn’t have done it. And now, if I want any kind of future with him, I’m going to have to find it in me to admit that I’m the problem.
That the thought of confronting my feelings for him scared me so much that I ran away before things could even begin to get serious.
There’s only one problem with that. I’m already serious about him.
Is it love? Who knows. I don’t even think I know what true love is. At least, not for me. I see it all the time in David and Mel, Dolcie and Sully, but no one I’ve ever been with has given me that vibe. They’ve never made me believe they’re sincere.
I do believe Finn though. Even if he tried to tell me it was only the alcohol making him say it.
Why would he want to be with me when I treated him terribly? Why would anyone want to give uncertainty a chance? I could love him, but we’ll never know.
He told me he loves me, and I left him. I did to him what I’m always terrified of happening to me. I don’t deserve his forgiveness, and if I do put myself out there with him and he refuses to be with someone as screwed up as me, it will be impossible for me to get past that.
What am I supposed to do?
Either we’re both good at avoidance techniques or we’ve been really lucky, but I don’t see Finn until the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.
Finn isn’t technically part of the wedding party, even if he helped organize a lot for Melanie because Sophia was stuck in Chicago, which means he’s not there for the run-through of the ceremony. There’s no way he won’t be inside this restaurant though.
We’re late because the practice ran over, so when the large limo van from the venue drops us off outside the restaurant, everyone else rushes inside to meet the other guests waiting.
I, however, hesitate like the coward I am. Five minutes of fresh air will be good. Maybe ten. A forty-eight-hour stomach flu would be even better.
Fucking hell, Curtis, you dumb fuck. Find your fucking feet.
Sophia, who has been glaring at me all day for whatever reason, marches back out of the restaurant.
“What’s wrong?” I ask. “Did you forget something in the car? We can probably call it back if—”
“Nope. Not forgetting anything. You, however, are forgetting that you’re not getting out of this dinner, and I swear on everything that is holy, if you go in there and make a scene, I’ll string you up by your balls. Got it?”
“You were much more lovely through video call than in person,” I mumble. “But what do you mean by cause a scene?”
She pins me with a look. “Finn told me about you two and how you don’t feel the same way about him that he does about you, wah, wah, wah.
There won’t be any of that drama at Mel’s wedding.
She’s the only one allowed to be melodramatic.
” Sophia giggles to herself. “Get it? Mel-o-drama. I’m hilarious. ”
Hilarious is one word for it.
I’m too stuck on him telling her what happened to laugh though. “He … he told you? About us?”
“I coaxed it out of him after he said some bullshit about coming home to help his parents. Help them, what? Pack for a week? Made no sense. And while I think there has to be something seriously wrong with you to not be head over heels in love with Finn, that’s your issue.”
“Agreed,” I say, because yeah, it’s hard to argue that.
“Keep it in your pants until after the wedding, okay?”
“Keep my … issues in my pants?”
“Yup. Your pants, or lack thereof, is what got you two into this mess, so if you keep them and your mouth zipped, we’ll be all good. Then I won’t have to kick either of your asses.”
I do as she says, not only because she’s scary, but because she’s right. This weekend is about David and Melanie, not my confusing feelings for Finn.
All of that is easier said than done, though, when we walk in and lay eyes on him.
In a suit. His light brown hair is styled neatly instead of the mess it usually is, and he’s freshly shaven.
My chest aches at the sight of him, and my heart wants to scream something like I love you, but it can’t because my messed-up head has that bitch gagged.
He hasn’t seen me yet. He’s too busy hugging his sister hello. So I slip into a seat at the opposite end of the table and tell myself to pretend he doesn’t exist tonight.
Alfie, who’s sitting opposite me, cocks his head. “You’re not sitting with …” He tries to be subtle as he nods sideways in Finn’s direction, but he practically headbutts Angie next to him.
“No.” That’s all I’m going to give him.
Beside me, Dolcie passes me her red wine, and I down it like a shot as I ignore the way Alfie is looking at Finn.
“Does this mean I can—”
I cut Alfie off before he can finish that sentence. “Touch him and fucking die.”
That’s a lot easier to decipher than the weird interpretive dance my heart is trying to do. I guess there’s no denying it after that.
I’m in love with Finn too.