Chapter 24
Make It Hurt
The world tilts on its axis again, and I'm left reeling. "Me? A key? But I don't know anything about these worlds." I try to grab hold of reality, but it slips away like sand through my fingers. This can't be happening.
I’m not special. Not by any means.
The thought of being a key, something important, is laughable. It's absurd to think that my wretched existence could hold any weight or significance. In fact, even entertaining the idea causes me almost physical pain.
"They don’t know that. They see me spending time with you, and believe you are the key."
I lick my lips.
Of course I was right.
They got the wrong memo. I’m not important. Never have been, never will be.
I almost find as much relief as I do in the disappointment that I don’t really matter.
A thought occurs to me, and I swallow hard, grounding myself to ask. "The Nexus is a key and a person, and you protect them, like you protect me in the human world?" I ask.
He nods slowly.
A snake of jealousy lashes through me with vicious heat.
When he is gone for days at a time, he is protecting someone else. Has he been haunting someone else’s bed when he’s not under mine?
I was wrong to ever entertain the idea that I’m special, important.
Shadow steps forward, his hand reaching out as if to touch me, but he stops short. "That's why they want you. Because they believe you have the answers they seek."
"I was drawn to you, Evie," he confesses, the shadows around him pulsing with the intensity of his words. "I should have kept my distance, maintained the boundary that my duty required. But I… could not resist."
I clench my fists, frustration and a bitter sense of worthlessness bubbling within me. "You should have! Because of me, you broke your covenant, and you've thrown off the balance between worlds. Put someone else you protect in danger. All for what? For a nobody. For me."
His eyes flash. "Evie." His voice is a warning.
My arms cross over my chest protectively. "Do you spend a lot of time with them? With the Nexus?" I can't help the edge of jealousy that creeps into my voice.
"As much as is allowed, without drawing undue attention," he replies, his voice even, cool.
My nostrils flare, betraying the emotions that roil within me.
I feel the sting of his words as if he's slapped me. I'm not the Nexus, just an accidental detour in his path. The guilt and jealousy twist inside me, a toxic concoction that threatens to spill over.
But it’s not nearly as heinous as the dark sludge washing over my soul at the thought Shadow spends time with someone else.
Does he treat them like he treats me?
Does he spend more time with them?
Of course he does, a voice inside me taunts. Whenever he’s not with you, he’s with them.
Yet again, I’m more an unwanted nuisance than anything else. You think I’d be used to it by now, but I’ve reached a breaking point. My calm and control snaps like a brittle twig as all my self-loathing and resentments break over me in crashing waves.
"You should just let me die," I hiss, the words spilling out before I can stop them. "I'm the root of all this trouble. If I wasn't here, you could focus on what's truly important."
"No." The word is a growl, fierce and resolute. He steps closer and I can feel the heat of him, a paradox in the cold of the room. "I would not leave you to die."
"Why? Because of some misplaced sense of duty? Because I'm some… some pity project for you?" The heat in my words matches his, a fire meeting an inferno.
Shadow's presence looms, the air charged with an energy that's almost electric. "Not pity, Evie. Because I—" He cuts off, his mouth setting into a hard line.
I step forward, my own anger rising to meet his. "Because you what? Care for me? Because you can't stand the thought of failing at yet another duty?"
He's silent for a moment, then, "Yes, I care," he says quietly. "More than I should. More than I ever thought possible."
The admission rocks me, a punch to the gut that leaves me breathless. And yet, I can't let go of the anger, the self-loathing. "I'm not worth it, Shadow. I'm nothing. I'm not the Nexus. Go to them, keep them safe. Leave me to my fate."
Shadow moves, a blur of darkness, and suddenly he's right in front of me, his hand gripping my arm, his face so close to mine that I can feel his breath.
"I cannot leave you," he says, and there's a fierceness in his voice that sends a shiver down my spine.
"Even if you despise me for it. Even if it goes against every last covenant etched in blood stone.
Even if it goes against my own common sense. "
It’s the last one that drives the knife in deeper with a twist.
The proximity, the tension, it's too much. I want to shove him away, but at the same time, I want to yank him closer. It's a battle within me, one that mirrors our argument, our entire relationship.
"You shouldn't care," I whisper, my voice trembling. "I'm just going to get you killed, or worse. I'm a curse, Shadow. Can't you see that?"
Shadow's grip tightens, his gaze penetrating. "You matter," he says fiercely. "You burn too bright to be swallowed whole. It’s that light that keeps bringing me back to you. A fire I can’t resist touching though I know I shouldn’t."
I step back, letting out a scoff. He deludes himself thinking I’m the heaven to his hell. We are both made of the same stuff, a myriad of horrors stitched together. "You’re only attracted to me because I am a black hole and you are a monster."
I need to make us smaller. I need to make this whole situation smaller, unimportant.
"Evie." Another warning. I’m pushing him too hard.
My chin lifts. "Like I said, the world would be better off if I was dead." Then I command in a dark whisper, looking up at him through my lashes. "You should kill me."
With that, a smoky tendril snaps out. It twines around my neck with tight insistence.
My hands fly to pull it away on instinct, but my hands cannot grasp him the way he does me.
They phase through his shadow tendril though it still grips me somehow.
My nails claw into my own throat instead as my heels lift off the ground.
"You think you can push me away? You think you can treat yourself like everyone else has. Unimportant, insignificant, disposable. But I won’t allow that."
"What are you going to do?" The words come out in a half-choked hiss.
He can’t hurt me. Not as much as I can. All my thoughts have turned around on me like red-hot pokers, jabbing me mercilessly until I can’t stand my own existence another fucking solitary second.
You’re worthless.
Waste of space.
No one wants you.
You’re a dirty slut.
"Is this what you want?" His words are as cold as the fire in his eyes. "Does this make you feel alive? Do you want me to be the one to take away your pain? Or is it just another way for you to punish yourself?"
The pressure increases, cutting off my oxygen supply and causing my vision to blur and darken. The world around me narrows into a small tunnel as my panic and excitement rise in upward shooting streaks.
"I will punish you as much as I must," he growls out. "Until you understand that no one is allowed to hurt you. Not even yourself."
The tendril squeezes tighter, constricting me until all breath is gone and every vicious thought fades away into darkness.
In that darkness, I find relief. Relief from myself, from the world, from the thoughts and feelings that plague me.
"You were right, Evie." His voice is a caress now. "You are a monster, like me."
My mouth opens like a guppy’s as I twitch, a flood of endorphins invading my body. Darkness plays at the edge of my vision.
"That feeling, that edge of oblivion," he continues, hypnotizing me. "That’s where you live."
Warmth coils in my lower belly as arousal rises in me. Because I’m being held, touched by my monster? My brain is too fuzzy, too blissfully blank to make sense of my body’s reactions.
"Make it hurt." I fight to get the words out.
If he sees me as a monster, if he treats me like one, maybe I'll finally belong to his world.
He chuckles darkly, but the sound is strained, almost broken. He hates how much he craves this part of me. He hates that he understands.
A whimper escapes me as the heat behind my belly button starts to sear and ache with need.
Shadow draws closer, his tentacle keeping me in place. Until he is inches away.
I don’t know how I haven’t passed out yet, but I force my eyes to stay open so I can focus on him.
Menace emanates from him like a mantle, and I think it’s goddamn beautiful. What little breath is left in my lungs is stolen by him.
"You want it to hurt, Evie?" The gravelly rasp of his voice has never sounded more delicious. His glare burns right through me. The cool air in the room sends goosebumps up my arms and over my breasts.
A talon traces under my shirt, scratching a line from my pubic bone past my belly button. A moan escapes me. I can’t tell if it’s an oxygen deprived hallucination, but the pressure around my neck loosens slightly, allowing a little more awareness to return to my brain.
As if he wants me awake enough to know I’ve made a terrible request I should regret.
A dark chuckle sounds in my ear, my body shivering in reaction. "I’ll make it hurt."