Chapter 30 Take Me With You
Take Me With You
It’s three more days before Shadow comes. And when he does, I’m ready.
"What happened?" It’s the first question out of his mouth. Our psychic link must betray some of my strong emotions. For the last seventy-two hours, I’ve been volleying between depression, hopelessness, but more often than not, I land on anger.
Anger at how no matter what I do, my life continues to be an absolute shit show of disappointment, heartbreak and hardship.
"Take me with you," I say. I grab the bag in the corner of the room. I already packed it with all my necessities and keep it on hand like a go bag. Because I sure as fuck am ready to go.
If he doesn’t take me this time, I’ll rot here. I’ll die here, human and helpless and hated.
"Evie, what’s going on?" he asks slowly.
I raise my chin, suddenly feeling like a defiant teenager. "Things aren’t working out here. I can’t stay any longer. This time, you are taking me back with you."
"I can’t do that." His voice doubles in gravel, the scratchiness of it heavy and deep.
"Maybe not, but the Nexus can, right?"
Shadow’s normally oscillating smoke and tendrils still abruptly.
"You can take me to him, or her, or them." I lick my lips after tripping over my words. For some reason, I’ve held the fear it’s another woman.
I worry he fucks her with his tentacles too. Maybe even with his real cock.
But that is a lot of presumptions, and they are all very human. I need to leave that behind. I’m not going to be human anymore, I should leave those thoughts behind. He can fuck whoever, whatever, whenever he likes as long as he takes me with him.
A vicious little whisper slithers in my ear. Liar.
"So take me to her," I repeat myself.
"She can’t help you," he says finally, still as frozen as a statue.
So it is a woman. I wrestle down my jealousy, my masochistic fantasies of him doing the same things to someone else as he does to me.
The impulse to rip off my clothes, grab hold of him, claim him and drive him as crazy as he does me nearly rocks me off my feet.
I bear down on those impulses to stay in control.
"Let me ask her, and we’ll see," I grit through my teeth.
Shadow slowly shakes his head. The motion strikes me as condescending, as if I am some child who doesn’t understand what she is asking.
My grip tightens on the strap of my bag, so tight my fingers hurt.
"Your world can’t be as bad as mine, Shadow.
I don’t give a fuck how many monsters are there.
I’m coming with you this time." I march up to him, getting in his face. I won’t back down.
He may not love me the way I love him, but he has a weakness for me.
I’m grabbing it and yanking it wide open until I get what I want.
"Evie, you don’t understand," he says it too calmly.
I throw my bag to the ground with a loud smack. "Then make me understand," I yell.
"You cannot live in my world," he says evenly, telling me absolutely fucking nothing.
I take a lap, circling the room, throwing my hands up with a frustrated growl, before getting back in his face.
"Is it because you are afraid for me?" I’m still yelling, but I don’t care. My fingernails bite into my palms. I welcome the sting. Blood is proof I'm still real, still fighting.
"Yes." The word comes out a harsh whisper.
"It can’t be worse than here. Everything is falling apart. I have no one, and what little meager scraps I have, I’m about to lose."
I hate it. I hate what I’m saying. I hate how I’m saying it.
I’m acting like little Oliver Twist. Poor little orphan girl who has no one and nothing.
But if I don’t get him to agree to let me go with him, I’m going to fall to a lower place than I’ve ever been before. And I sense to the very center of my black soul, it’s going to be a place I can’t come back from.
He must agree.
Shadow doesn’t speak, he doesn’t move. I have no idea what he’s thinking.
"Take me to the Nexus. Take me to your world." It’s a ragged whisper, and it’s all I have left in me.
A long pause. "No."
Fury explodes inside me. "Is it because you don’t want me to tell the Nexus what we do? The terrible, nasty, fucked up things I beg you to do to me? The way you make me scream and come? Is it because you fuck her too? Is it because you don’t want me to ruin what you have with her?"
Misty white eyes turn red-hot.
"Evie," he warns.
I take that as confirmation, which only dumps fuel on the flames of my anger.
"Tell me! Tell me the truth." Before I know it, my hand flies toward his face. Instead of meeting flesh, it sweeps straight through him.
His mouth appears, lips splitting to reveal fangs. "You wish to hurt me because you hurt."
Why am I panting as if I’ve run five miles? Still, I can’t stop. I swing again. The same happens, except with the force I put behind the motion, my body spins and I tilt off my feet.
Again, his tone is even, controlled. I hate it. I’m spiraling and he’s perfectly grounded.
"I hate you," I seethe.
We both know it’s a lie, but I don’t care.
It feels good to lose control, to finally act out.
For so long I’ve tried to blend in among the humans to stay in a foster home, or to stay under the radar at school, but I’ve always known there is a beast inside of me, and she wants blood, carnage, and destruction so it matches the insides of me.
"You are angry at how unfair life is," he points out in a cold voice.
I clench my fist and scream at him. It comes out an incoherent war cry.
"Stop pretending to care. Stop pretending you know me. If you aren’t going to take me with you, if you are going to protect the Nexus, just fucking leave me and never come back."
The angry knocking on the wall begins again.
"Shut the fuck up, you fucking whore," Elijah bellows through the wall.
I almost want him to come over here. Then maybe I could beat the shit out of my neighbor. Pull and rip at his insides until they are on the outside.
A part of me rears back at the new level of violence I crave. Somewhere between seeing Miguel in the hospital and talking to my shitty landlord, realizing eviction is in the not too far future, a door inside me opened and wrath emerged like a vengeful poltergeist.
"You ruined my life," I scream at Shadow.
I blink and he’s there, right in front of my face. "You want to hit me, Evie? You want to claw and scratch me like an animal? Go ahead if that makes you feel better." His words are cold and condescending.
Another angry screech rips out of my throat as I throw my fists. This time he doesn’t phase out and my knuckles connect with hard muscle. Pain radiates through my fist, but I ignore it. I hit him in the torso, I punch at his blurry, dark face.
With every blow and step I take forward, he moves backward under my onslaught. I think stinking black tar will come pouring out my eyes any second because it’s what’s pumping through my veins, my heart.
The curses and banging from next door to shut up recede into the distance, as I take out all of my outrage on the only one who ever really cared for me.
It only ends when Shadow grabs hold of my wrists and pins them to my sides. Surprisingly, he uses his hands instead of his smoke tendrils. Suddenly, it’s more personal with him in my face, holding me down like this.
I scream, I kick, I buck, but he is too strong. Slowly, I stop fighting and relent.
Sagging against his hold, I’m exhausted, emotionally and physically. Fury has given way to anger and now both have burned to ash. I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore.
Shadow’s face is inches from mine, his breath puffing over my lips.
Sounds from next door grow louder and I can tell now that Elijah’s wife has joined in on the angry assault of my wall in order to get me to shut up.
I’m not sure what I really expected from Shadow.
That he would call me out on my shit and then let me off the hook?
That he’d tell me to knock it the fuck off and stop acting like a crazed banshee, but that he’d welcome me into his world with open arms and the promise of sex that hurts and heals me to my soul?
I guess I was looking for a miracle, but I know better than to think I could ever be that lucky. What I get is a lesson in reality.
"Let me go," I say, my voice raspy. I realize I’m trembling. My body feels like it’s about to come apart at the seams. I shake my head. "Just leave me alone." I want him to turn into a shadow again and flit away. I want him to disappear and never come back. I want him to fucking leave me alone.
"Evie," he says, and it comes out low and breathless. How does he put so much emotion in saying my simple name? It’s all packed in that one word—his hesitance, his concern, the dark viciousness that underlies his entire being.
I know he’s aware of how close we are. I’m certain he knows how fast my heart races under my heaving chest. I’m shaking so hard, if he held me any tighter, I’d break.
"Take me to your realm, Shadow," I plead with him. "Please." I hear the tears crowding their way into my voice.
"I can’t," he says with a renewed firmness that gives me pause. "You would die within thirty-six hours."