Chapter Twenty-Four
T he two days before Sierra’s operation were pretty awful. Her arm hurt like a son of a bitch and her knee wasn’t a whole lot better. Connor was sweet. So sweet he was driving her crazy. She knew she was cranky. She tried her best not to be, but it was kind of a lost cause. She slept most of the first day but by the second she was heartily sick of staying in bed.
“Hey,” Connor said, sticking his head into the room. “I made you some soup. Do you want it in here or do you want to come to the table?”
“I’m not hungry.” Not for soup, anyway. Ice cream might help.
He gave her ‘the look.’ The one that meant he wouldn’t be swayed. Knowing she might as well expect a rock to give in as Connor she sighed and said, “Fine, I’ll eat the soup but only if I get ice cream later.”
“Deal.”
If she could have she would have stomped into the other room but given her bum knee that was out. Her knee wasn’t broken, it was just badly sprained and hurt like hell. She limped to the small table using a crutch under her uninjured arm and spooned soup in her mouth. When she finished she realized Connor had been watching her with a grin. “You are so annoying. I feel better. Are you happy?”
“Yep. I’ll get your ice cream.”
“You don’t have to wait on me. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”
“I know.” He went to the kitchen and came back with a bowl of chocolate ice cream.
After finishing her ice cream she asked him, “Why are you pampering me? You should go back to work. I’ll be fine.”
“Who’s going to take you to the hospital for your operation?”
“I’ll get a ride-share.”
“We’re in Marietta, remember?”
Oh, yeah. No ride-shares. She frowned but had no answer to that.
“I took some time off. I’ll be hanging around until after your surgery. You need someone to help you whether you want to admit it or not.”
Connor’s mom came by later that day. Sierra had met her briefly when she’d stopped by after the helicopter accident to bring food. She came bearing food again. A couple of casseroles and some roasted vegetables, as well as an apple pie.
Sierra had moved to the couch and was idly flipping the TV channels but when Maureen came in she turned it off. After setting down the food on the counter and giving Connor instructions on what to do with it, she hugged him and then sat beside Sierra.
“How are you feeling? Oh, never mind. I’m sure you feel awful. I broke my wrist once and it was miserable. I hear you have to have an operation and a plate put in.”
“That’s what they tell me.” She scowled. “It’s supposed to heal faster. Thank you for bringing food. I love apple pie.”
“You and Connor have that in common then. It’s his favorite.”
“Your mom is really nice,” she told Connor after his mother left. “I like her.”
“She likes you too.”
“She does? How do you know?”
“She told me. She thinks you’re good for me.”
Her phone rang just then. Her mother’s ringtone. Her mom had been ready to jump on a plane and come help her during her recovery. Sierra loved her mom, but she drove her crazy when she was in fussing mode. “Hi, Mom.”
It took her twenty minutes to convince her mom that she was okay and that Connor was taking care of her. Only by telling her mom that she and her dad could visit once Sierra was more recovered was she able to hang up with some degree of hope that she’d forestalled her mom’s plans.
*
Sierra’s operation had been successful and now, several days later, she was beginning to feel well enough to go back to work. Of course, she wouldn’t be able to fly or to be on an EMS ground crew. All she could do until she healed and rehabbed her arm was desk duty. Normally, she didn’t mind a little desk duty but she didn’t enjoy a steady diet of it.
And it gave her plenty of time to think. So much so that when Connor got off work one evening she told him she’d changed her mind. She wasn’t sure what she’d expected but it wasn’t what she got.
Connor came in with takeout from the barbecue place. Sierra waited until they had both eaten a little bit before she started the conversation.
“Connor, I’ve been thinking and I’ve changed my mind.”
“Changed your mind about what?” He took a bite of his sliced brisket sandwich and forked coleslaw into his mouth.
“I think we should move in together.” She’d been thinking about it nonstop since the accident. Well, when she wasn’t asleep but even then she had restless dreams. But she decided it was time to face her fears and conquer them. Connor wasn’t Phil. If she spent her life afraid of being hurt, she’d never experience anything good either. And she didn’t believe that Connor would treat her like Phil had.
But Connor didn’t respond the way she’d thought he would. He finished chewing, set down his fork, and stared at her with a blank face. What in the world was he thinking?
“I don’t.”
“What? You don’t what?”
“I don’t think we should move in together.”
“I thought that’s what you wanted?”
“Why do you want to?”
“I’ve been thinking about it, and I decided you’re right. We’re together all the time. We should live together.” Damn it, why didn’t she just say because she loved him? What was wrong with her that she couldn’t tell him how she really felt?
“When did you start thinking about it?”
“What does that matter?”
“Answer the question.”
She hesitated but admitted, “After the accident.”
“That’s what I thought. Because you’re suddenly feeling your mortality.” She stared at him. “I find it a little too coincidental that only a week or so after your accident you’ve changed your mind about moving in together.”
“What difference does that make? Yes, getting in the wreck has made me think about things differently.”
“The wreck scared you.”
“Yes. But that’s natural.”
“I don’t want you to do it because you’re scared. I want you to want to be together as much as I do. Because you love me, and you don’t want to be apart any more than we have to. But the problem with that is you’d need to love me in order for that to happen and I don’t think you do.”
“You know I care about you.” She did love him. Why couldn’t she say it?
“I know. But it’s not the same thing as being in love. I know because I am and ‘I care about you’ doesn’t even touch how I feel about you.”
“So you’re saying you don’t want to move in together.”
“Not until you’re really sure that’s what you want. You’re still gun-shy because of Phil. You might want to believe I’m not like him, but I think you’re still afraid to trust me. So until you’ve sorted out that shit, moving in together would be a disaster.”
“So you want to break up?”
“No. But I think we should leave things the way they are.”
“For how long?”
“However long it takes.”
She glared at him. “Fine. Since we’re not moving in together, you can go back to your place. I’m perfectly fine on my own.”
“Can I finish my dinner first?”
She wanted to pinch him but she only said, “Of course.”
He didn’t take long to finish eating. He cleared the trash from the table. Then he walked back to her, leaned over, and kissed her cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Call me if you need me.”
Unbelievable.
*
Hell. Had he screwed up? Instead of going to his apartment, Connor called Logan. “Are you working tonight?”
“No. I’m at home. Why?”
“Can I come see you?”
“Sure. You sound like shit. What’s wrong? Is Sierra okay?”
“She’s fine.” Physically. “I’ll tell you when I get there.”
“Thanks,” Connor said when Logan answered the door.
“No problem. What’s up? Why aren’t you with Sierra?”
“Hi, Connor,” Cici said. “I’ll leave you two alone.”
“No don’t.” Cici lifted her eyebrows. “If you don’t mind, I think I need a female perspective.”
After he turned down a beer, they all sat. Connor didn’t know any other way to start than just blurt it all out. “Tonight Sierra said she wanted to move in together.”
“That’s great,” Logan said. “That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”
“I thought it was. But I think she just said it because she’s scared after the wreck. You know, something like that really makes you wonder what regrets you’d have if it had been worse.”
“That’s understandable,” Cici said. “But if she loves you—”
“That’s just it,” Connor said, breaking in. “She doesn’t. She ‘cares’ about me,” he said, making air quotes. “She’s still hung up about her ex.”
“You think she’s still in love with him?” Cici asked. “Didn’t she send him away?”
“Yes, she sent him away, and no, I don’t think she still loves him. I think she’s still scared to commit completely because of how he treated her.”
“What did you say when she said she wanted to move in together?” Logan asked.
“I said no. I said I didn’t want her to do it because the wreck scared her but because she loved me and wanted to be with me. And that I didn’t believe she did.”
“What did she say to that?” Cici asked.
“That’s when she said she ‘cared’ about me.”
“What are you going to do now?” his brother asked.
“She asked me if I wanted to break up and I said no. But now I’m thinking if she doesn’t love me and doesn’t really want to live with me, then maybe we should break up.”
“You already tried that and it didn’t work so well,” Logan said.
He shrugged. “Did I screw up? Should I have said yes even though I don’t think she asked for the right reasons? I mean, hell, she’s a grown woman. She should know her own mind. Who am I to say it’s the right or wrong reason?”
“You went with your gut,” Cici said. “Clearly you didn’t think it would be the right thing to do.”
“I don’t know what to do. I didn’t realize falling in love would be this hard. Hell, after the thing with Casey I never expected to fall in love again. I worked really hard not to. Until I met Sierra.”
“And then all your plans went out the window. I know what that’s like,” Logan said. “But it’s worth it,” he added, exchanging a look with Cici that made Connor want to tell them to get a room.