Chapter Twenty-Five
T he next morning, after a miserable night, Sierra called Sam. She didn’t like the way she’d left things with Connor but she didn’t know what to do. She needed someone to talk to and Sam knew her and her history. And she knew Connor. Luckily, Sam had the morning off so she came over after Sierra called.
“Why the frantic call?” Sam asked when she came in.
“I wasn’t frantic,” Sierra said, insulted.
Sam raised an eyebrow. “If you say so. How are you doing? Physically?”
“My arm hurts but not quite as much as before the operation. My knee is better. I’m frustrated that I’m going to have a desk job for who knows how long.”
“Can I get you anything?” Sam asked before she sat.
“No. I don’t need you to wait on me. I had Connor doing that until last night.”
Sam sat on the couch. “What happened last night?”
“I ran him off.”
“Why?”
Sierra rubbed her forehead. “I didn’t do it deliberately. I told him I wanted to move in together. He said no.”
“Wait a minute. Didn’t he ask you to live with him before the accident?”
“Yes, and I said I wasn’t ready.” And look at how well that had ended. “But the accident made me think about things and about how I was sick of being afraid that Connor and I won’t work out.”
“Why did he say no?”
“Long story short, he thinks I don’t love him. And he doesn’t think we should live together if I don’t love him and want to be with him as much as he wants to be with me.”
“Do you love him?”
“Yes.”
“Then I don’t see the problem.”
It wouldn’t be if she wasn’t such a chicken. “I, um, haven’t told him yet. I told him I care about him but stopped short of saying I love him.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m an idiot?”
Sam laughed. “No you’re not. But you’re bound to have a reason.”
She did. But she didn’t like it and didn’t want to admit it. Even to herself. “Phil and I had a good marriage. Until we didn’t. We loved each other. I thought we’d be together forever. But then things changed. He changed but I didn’t. I think he got bored with me. That’s why he had the affair.”
A look of disgust came over Sam’s face. “He had an affair because he’s a cheating scumbucket.”
She had to laugh at that comment. “That too. But seriously, Sam, we had a good marriage and then it just fell apart. Who’s to say it couldn’t happen to Connor and me?”
“Who says it will?”
“I’m afraid to risk it. Or at least I have been until now.”
“Okay, this is going to sound simplistic but my advice is to think about what you really want. What you want without the ‘what if this’ or ‘what if that’ getting in the way. Then go after it. And now,” she said, standing up, “I need to get back to the ranch. I promised Dylan I’d help him with the new foal.”
“You promised Dylan or Dylan promised you?”
She grinned. “It was mutual. The new colt is so adorable. We haven’t named him yet.”
“Good luck with that. Have fun. And Sam, thanks.”
“Not sure I was much help but you’ll figure it out.”
One way or another, she had to.
*
Connor didn’t call Sierra or stop by after work the following day. Since she’d more or less kicked him out the day before he figured it was up to her to get in touch with him. If she wanted to, that is. While they hadn’t broken up they weren’t exactly on the best of terms. He admitted he was worried she’d overdo it without anyone around to help her, but he had to let her make her own mistakes.
He was standing in his kitchen contemplating eating a frozen dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened the door to Sierra. To say he was surprised was an understatement. As far as he knew she hadn’t been out of the apartment since he brought her home after the accident. But she somehow had managed to climb down her stairs and up his with her broken arm, bum leg, and one crutch.
“Come on in. Must be pretty important for you to be here.”
“It is.” She stepped inside and looked around. She had one crutch under her good arm, using it to put as little weight on her bad knee as possible. She limped to the couch and sat.
“I’d have come to you if you’d asked.” He shut the door and took her in. Clearly, she was still in pain but she looked pretty good considering.
“I know. But I needed to come to you.”
He sat beside her. “Why?”
“I love you, Connor.”
He didn’t speak, just looked at her. What brought that on? Did she mean it? If so, why tell him now?
“I have for a long time. Since before the first time you told me you loved me. But I couldn’t admit it.”
“Why?” He wasn’t sure he believed her, but he wanted to.
“I’ve been afraid. I didn’t want our relationship to wind up like my marriage. We were happy…and then we weren’t. I wanted to blame it all on him, on his having an affair, but I knew I had a part in it. I was scared. If I committed to you, told you I loved you, and we moved in together what would I do if that didn’t work either? What if it was my fault?”
“Usually it’s both people in a relationship that fails. I’m not so sure yours was mutual, however. In my book, he was the idiot. But why were you so certain you and I wouldn’t work out?”
“I wasn’t certain. That was the problem. I wanted to tell you how I felt, but every time I tried, I chickened out. Then I had the car accident. That really shook me. I had a lot of time to think while waiting for EMS. I was stuck in my car with nothing to do but hurt, think, and pray someone came to help.”
“That’s when you decided ‘Gee, I might as well move in with Connor. Ya never know what’s gonna happen.’”
She scowled at him. “No, that’s when I decided I needed to tell you the truth about my feelings and quit hiding from them because I was scared.”
“Sometimes I wish I’d never asked you to live with me.”
“Why? Have you changed your mind?”
“No, but I feel like I’m forcing you to decide. My way or the highway.”
“I don’t feel that way at all. I feel like I’ve finally come out of the box I put myself in after the divorce. Where I could have fun but anything serious was out of the question because what if I screwed it up?”
“You didn’t screw up your marriage. Your cheating husband did.”
“I wasn’t blameless.”
“That’s a matter of opinion.”
“Do you believe me, Connor? That I love you and want to be with you?”
“I want to.” But he wasn’t sure. So he said, “We should wait until your arm is better before we do anything.”
“Giving you time to decide if that’s still what you want to do?”
“More like giving you time to be sure. Besides, you don’t need to be moving right now. It’s hard work.”
“I can get movers.”
“Yeah, but it’s still a lot of work. Which you definitely don’t need to be doing until you’ve recovered more.”
They argued about it a bit more but after a while Sierra put a stop to it by kissing him. Connor kissed her back, stroking his tongue inside her mouth, exploring every nook and cranny until he made himself pull back. She sighed and raised her good hand to cup his cheek and look into his eyes.
“I love you.”
He turned his head and kissed her hand. “I love you too.” He gazed down at her and said, “I wish I could make love to you right now, but that isn’t happening.”
“We could be careful,” she said, sounding hopeful.
“No, we couldn’t. You’re only days out from surgery, not to mention, your knee is bound to hurt.”
She pouted. He grinned. “You know I’m right.”
“Maybe. But I don’t have to like it.”
He arranged them so she could put her back and head against his chest and swung her legs up on the couch. “Don’t worry, as soon as you’re up for it we can make love. And we can look at another place to live so you only have to move once.”
“That sounds nice,” she said drowsily.
He kissed the top of her head and held her as she slept. Content, at the moment, to wait for their future together.