Chapter 17
Chapter 17
Sebastian
“A nd then Molly said that because I am now the sweeper, I should make sure that I have my cala sten.”
I frowned, paused in the action of packing her school lunch for the next morning and blinked. “Calisthenics?” I asked, trying to come up with the word that Nora was trying to say.
“Yes. That.”
My lips twitched and I tried not to smile. I didn’t like my daughter feeling as if I were making fun of her, but that was a different word for her. “Molly used that word?”
“Sort of. She tried at least. And then her mom corrected her, but I still don’t think it’s right.”
I was oddly relieved that I wasn’t alone on that precipice of parenting and confusion.
“I think I need to run more.”
“You already ride your bike next to me when I run. And you have dance, and soccer practice, and I know you play on the field at recess. Your calisthenics are taken care of. But I can talk to your coach if you want to make sure that you add more? Though I don’t think you need to.”
Nora was five. I was honestly a little surprised she’d even tried to say calisthenics.
“Okay. I like the cupcakes that Raven brought.” Nora beamed up at me, her face covered in chocolate.
I sighed, my lips twitching into a smile as I got a paper towel, wet it down, and began to wipe the chocolate off my daughter’s face. “I can see that. Though it looks as if you got more chocolate on your face than in your mouth.”
“Oh, I ate some. Thank you for letting me have a cupcake.”
“You’re always allowed to have a cupcake when I have them. It’s very lucky that we have Raven, who bakes. Because I’m not great at making them.”
“You’re still my favorite. And you make good brownies.”
I grinned. “I do make good brownies.”
“But Raven’s are better.”
Once again, put directly in my place. But that’s what my daughter did. She was too cute for her own good. “Okay then. Raven is the best. She’s a baker, that’s what she does.”
“I want to learn to bake. Do you think Raven will help me?”
I went back to finishing up Nora’s lunch for the next day. “I think so. You can ask.” I paused. “Or I can ask for you.”
“No, I’ll ask. I know she’s busy. Just like you. But I want to make sure. And Greer? I love her.”
“She’s great.”
“But I’m too young for coffee she said. She did say that she could help me with foam art. What is foam art?”
I explained, laughing as she asked me question after question about Raven’s bakery.
The two of them had clicked right away. I liked that she had connected with Raven as if they had always been in each other’s lives.
“The holiday pageant is coming up too. And they’re telling us who we’re going to be soon.”
I nodded, going through what I needed for dinner the next day to make sure I actually had meat out. Meal planning and making sure that I actually had things for Nora was really the only way I got through the week.
“What are the options?” I asked, half distracted.
“It’s going to be all holiday themed, so I might be a star.”
I looked up, grinning. “You’re already a star, munchkin.”
“You keep calling me munchkin, but I think I like it now.”
“I try.”
“Daddy?” Nora asked, her voice a little tentative.
I paused what I was doing and looked over at my daughter.
“What is it, Nora?”
Nora had her head bent, her little teeth biting into her lip, the napkin crumpled on her plate.
“What is it?” I asked again, coming around the island so I could stand right in front of her. I tilted her head up and pushed her hair back. “You can talk to me about anything.”
“Do you love Raven?” she asked, her eyes wide.
My heart stopped. I hadn’t expected the question, but I should have. Raven and I had been dating for weeks now, had gone to a party as a couple, as a goddamn family with Nora. We still went on runs together, she had dinner at my house. She even slept at my place some nights, though we were careful so Nora never saw Raven in her pajamas or anything. We didn’t want Nora to feel awkward, and yet here I was feeling awkward when she looked scared to even ask the question. Maybe scared wasn’t the right word. Nervous?
I didn’t know why, but suddenly my mouth was dry and I couldn’t quite catch my breath.
I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say, what words were good for this. But I needed to answer. Because my daughter was brave enough to ask, so I would be brave enough to answer. Even though I didn’t have a good reply. I hadn’t let myself think too far ahead. Because if I did, then things would get real.
Only they were far past real now.
“I don’t know, Nora.” I paused. “She’s special to me.”
Nora played with her fingers, sighing. “Mommy was her friend. Right?”
I swallowed hard, my pulse racing. “They were best friends. Just like I was best friends with both of them. Mommy loved her very much.”
“If Mommy loved her, that means Raven must be amazing. Right?”
I tried to follow the logic but nodded. “Raven is amazing. She’s the best.”
Then my daughter looked up at me, her eyes wide. “Is she going to be my mommy?”
The world fell from beneath my feet, and I tried to keep up, to scramble for any handhold. “What?”
“When Tommy’s dad married his new wife, she became Tommy’s mommy. Is Raven going to be my mommy?”
I blinked and said the only thing I could in that moment. “No. She’s not your mommy.”
It wasn’t quite the answer, but what was I supposed to say? Raven and I hadn’t even discussed anything beyond what we were doing. I needed time, we needed time. There was no easy answer for this.
“I love her. Is that okay? That I love Raven. I don’t know what to call her, but I love her because she’s Raven. And I think she loves me.”
I swallowed the deep knot of tension in my throat and nodded tightly. Then I hugged my daughter close and kissed the top of her head. “She’s the best.”
“I know.”
“And I know she loves you too.”
“Okay. I like her a lot. And I would be okay if she was my mommy. Because she was friends with my real mommy. So then I’d have two.”
At that, she hopped off her stool. “I’m going to go get ready for bed. I love you, Daddy.”
Feeling as if I had lost my concept of reality, I nodded. “Okay. Brush your teeth.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll be in to tuck you in, and make sure you’re all set.”
“Okay. I love you, Daddy.”
And then she left, and I looked down at my hands, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do now.
A noise caught my attention, and I looked up to see Raven standing in the doorway from the living room, a box in hand. Her face was bone white, her mouth parted.
“The back door was open. You should lock that. I just brought over the cookies for Nora’s class, like you asked.”
I blinked, only now remembering that she had said she would come over with the cookies that she had offered to bake for Nora’s class party, and I had left the back door open so she could walk right in. Because we hadn’t exchanged keys yet.
“Oh. Thank you.”
She set the box down on the island, then looked past me down the hallway.
“I heard. I’m confusing her.”
“No, I think I am,” I said, running my hands through my hair.
She stared at me, eyes wide. “I didn’t mean to do this. To hurt her.”
“You’re not hurting her.” I began to pace, trying to focus. “I don’t know what the fuck I want, Raven.” I hadn’t meant to say that out loud, and when she took a step back, I felt like I had slapped her.
“Okay then. Good to know I’m not a replacement, Sebastian. I’ve never been. If you don’t want me, fine. But I’m not a replacement.”
Her eyes widened, as if she hadn’t meant to say that, but she had, and now I had to deal with it.
“You’re not a replacement. You’re Raven.”
“And I’m not Marley.”
“I sure as hell know that,” I grumbled. But I didn’t mean it the way she took it, and I knew that, but I couldn’t take those words back.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect to come here, to come home, and find you again.”
“What did you expect?” I asked, my voice cold.
“I expected maybe to find my friends again. But I didn’t expect to fall in love with a little girl. To want to be in her life.” She paused, looking at me. “To be in your life.”
“You’re right, we are confusing her.”
She flinched, and I needed to say something. To say that I was the one doing this. That I needed to be the one that set boundaries, or to take them down. But I couldn’t. Because I hadn’t expected this, I wasn’t ready for this conversation, but here we were. I needed to not fuck this up.
“Nora is amazing. And yours.” I looked up at Raven’s words, at the tears in her eyes. “She’s yours, Sebastian. And Marley’s. And I can’t be Marley.” Her voice cracked at that, and I took a step forward. Stopped. “No one can be Marley.”
Marley was gone. But I wasn’t that Sebastian, Marley’s Sebastian, anymore. Somehow, I was becoming Raven’s Sebastian. And I didn’t know what that meant. Because it wasn’t just me. It was Nora, too. I needed to figure out what I felt, and how it affected Nora. But Raven was standing here right now, and I wasn’t saying the right things.
“I know no one can be Marley. I’m going to do what I should have done in the first place.”
My head shot up and panic seized me. “What?”
“I should go, before things get more complicated. Before I hurt that little girl in there. I should go. And you need to just think.”
“Just like that. You’re just leaving?”
“It’s for the best. I don’t want to hurt Nora.”
A single tear fell, and I wanted to reach out, brush it away. But maybe this was for the best. Everything had gotten too complicated too quickly. “Then go. Because I can’t deal with losing anyone else. Or confusing her.”
She paled impossibly further and nodded tightly. “Fine. I’ll see you around. Like always. Tell Nora that the cookies are for her class.”
She left, and I didn’t follow her. I couldn’t. Because if I went after her, then I would have to say something. And I didn’t know what.
Did I love her? Would I allow myself?
I loved Marley and she was gone.
And I had broken when it happened, and Nora was left without her mother. I didn’t want to do that again. I couldn’t. And yet I hated myself. Because I didn’t have answers. And I was past needing them.
Now Raven was gone, and I knew I had just made one of the worst mistakes of my life.