Chapter 20
chapter twenty
quick! distract me with a spontaneous holiday
Ihated steps. Always have. Probably always will.
But when I practically launched myself out of the car and saw them waiting, the only thing between me and freedom, I’d never loved them more.
My legs were jelly, but they did their job.
They climbed the steps two at a time, my breaths ragged, hands already hunting for my keys.
He was only paces behind. Don’t know why I thought he’d choose now to not be all over my arse, but alas.
I knew if I slowed, even for a second, he’d catch me and make me unpack it all. Make me talk. Make me feel it again.
I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I had to forget.
I yanked the door open so hard it rattled the frame, slamming it with enough force to sound like we weren’t getting our security deposit back.
For a second I let myself lean against it, forehead to wood, trying to make the world stop moving.
Then voices from the living room sliced through the quiet and I was back onstage, blinking, pretending like nothing had just tried to break me.
“Cor, is that you?” Daisy shouted. I knew it was her. That Western twang was clear as ever.
I sighed, sucking in as much air as I could before straightening my legs. And my smile.
“It’s me,” I chirped, in the way I only did when I was around my friends.
“Where have you been? We need your advice,” called Goldie.
I stood straighter and sank down the corridor until I turned into the doorway and saw all three of them spread out across the room.
Rory was sitting cross-legged on the armchair by the window, and Goldie and Daisy were lying on opposite ends of the three-seater.
I hoped more than anything that they couldn’t tell I’d been crying.
My eyes were usually bloodshot from my severe lack of sleep, but because I’d been sleeping better recently, I wasn’t sure if they’d notice.
I held my breath as I eyed them. “What’s up?”
Goldie sat up on her elbow. “Summer plans. What do you have in mind?”
I let my breath slip low. I was in the clear. For now.
I dropped my crossbody by my feet and made a beeline for the rocking chair draped in blankets that we’d pulled from the sidewalk a few weeks ago.
“I’m not sure,” I sighed as I sat down, wrapping a lavender blanket over me.
“I assumed if you were all going home again, then I’d head up to Nantucket to invade Harriet’s for the summer. ”
And I had a feeling she’d love it.
I rarely saw my sister. Not only because she was in another state, but because she lived the quietest life imaginable.
Not that I blamed her. After what we went through, running away to the beach, keeping herself at arm’s length from the world, seemed like a perfect way to live.
And if I didn’t have Mum to take care of, I’d be doing the same thing.
“I’d give anything to visit there,” Daisy cooed.
I huffed a laugh as I wrapped myself up, the wool soft enough to ease me away from my other reality. “I’d take us all there if she had more than two bedrooms and one bathroom. What about you guys?”
Goldie sat up further, giddiness slathered on her smile. “Well, it just so happens that all of Tristan’s UK shows for his tour happen over the summer, so I think I’m tagging along.”
“No way!” I gasped, eyes bulging.
Daisy slumped, faux scowl in play. “Ugh, seeing the UK would be everything.”
“We’re staying at his townhouse in Kensington and then traveling for the shows.” Goldie bunched her fists and giggled, sinking into the cushions below her. “I’m going back to friggin’ London!”
Hearing my hometown made my ears prick up.
And then all I could hear was his voice—low, steady—spelling out everything about the hacking, how it traced back to London. How he might have to go there soon.
After everything tonight, I should’ve wanted nothing to do with Marcus.
A sane girl would’ve bolted, slammed the door, locked it, thrown away the key and damanded a new bodyguard by morning.
But apparently, I wasn’t sane. Because the second he said London, my chest tightened with something dangerously close to panic at the thought of him going without me.
We were tangled up now. Whether I liked it or not.
(Spoiler: I didn’t.)
(Mostly.)
So if London was where he was headed, then yeah, I’d go. Because the idea of him sticking me with some stranger in his place? Not happening. And God help me, maybe it wasn’t just stubbornness. Maybe it was the fact that—kiss or no kiss—I felt steadier standing next to him than I ever did alone.
And… if Goldie and Tristan would also be in London…
I sat up. “I might actually have to be in London, too.”
All of their heads turned to me.
“Really?” Goldie beamed.
I nodded, looking to my side as if I’d see Marcus out the window, hands cupped around his eyes and pressed against the glass.
I wouldn’t put it past him.
My eyes were back on the girls. “You didn’t hear it from me, but something’s happening at Marcus’ company. Files on really high-profile clients are going missing. And he’s tracked the activity coming from London.”
Before the girls could react, the door burst open, followed by the giggles coming from my three other best friends.
But those giggles quickly turned into groans and what sounded like the photo frames in the hallways being knocked onto the floor.
None of us had time to get up before Tristan and Jess came staggering into the room, followed by Finn.
Crawling on his hands and knees.
Daisy tilted her head right at Jess. “You didn’t.”
His giddy smile was full force. It was nice to see him smile. Rare for that one. “We couldn’t not.”
Tristan rested his head on Jess’s arm, like his own personal walking stick, his dopey smile creasing the corners of his mouth and the shadows on his face. “I love karaoke.”
Goldie rolled her eyes before her head fell into her hands. “Dear God.”
Rory got up from her seat, wandering down to the floor where Finn had now sprawled out. “Too many J?gers?”
Finn’s cloudy green gaze looked up at her as his head nestled into her lap. “I love you so fucking much.”
I raised my hands at Rory. “Best love confession I’ve ever heard.”
Goldie lifted her head, her eyes on Tristan. “How did those two get served?”
He shrugged. “I don’t even know what day it is right now, Golds.”
This was becoming a weekly occurrence now, more so now that the boys’ exams were done and their summer had officially started. For them, at least. I still had one or two classes to catch up on.
We’d been to Gigi’s, a karaoke bar in the student district, once or twice since it had opened last fall, but the trips died off after what happened with me. I’d told them to still go, but they didn’t, confessing that they didn’t want any nights out that didn’t involve me. Not until I was happy.
The girls still hadn’t been. But the boys…
I think their current states answered that for me.
I didn’t mind; they’d all been more than supportive whilst I was getting better, and after the sophomore year they’d had and with Tristan balancing his music, it was nice watching them blow off steam.
“Well anyway, we’re talking summer plans. Thoughts?” Daisy chirped from her end of the couch. Jesse made his way over as he stumbled through the room, sitting beside her and snuggling in like he wasn’t twice her height.
Daisy didn’t seem to mind. She put her arm around him and let him nestle in.
And I bit back the urge to just scream at those two to get with each other already. And it was hard. Because Christ, did those two just need to get together already.
“I think we need a vacation,” Jess murmured from under Daisy’s arm. “Somewhere tropical.”
Daisy tugged on her mousy blonde curls. “My hair can’t handle tropical.”
“Then your hair can’t handle a London summer,” I reminded her. “Seriously, it’s like living inside Satan’s arse crack.”
Tristan sat up, his hazy eyes finding me. “I can second that.”
Jess looked up, gorgeous brown eyes that matched his skin catching in the warm light. “When did London come into the picture?”
Rory brushed some of the hair out of Finn’s face as he lay on her lap. “Golds and Tristan are heading there; Cora is potentially heading there too. So we were entertaining the idea of a group trip.”
“Sick idea!” Tristan called before his dark eyes settled on me, chin jutting. “Why are you heading back?”
My hands flailed. “It’s a long story.”
“We have time,” Finn slurred.
Rory looked at me, a giggle slipping under her breath. “I had no idea he was even awake.”
I looked at the invisible watch on my wrist. “Well, sadly for you, I don’t.
Big art class in the morning. Last one of my catch-ups, and a girl’s gotta rest her wrists.
” As I stood up from my chair, those six invisbles ties that tethered me to them tugged, turning me back around.
"But I think we should seriously consider London.” My eyes lingered over each of my friends.
"I think I'm at the point now where I'm really missing you guys, and I want us to have fun before another year of the unknown.
" I looked back to Tristan. “We can sort everything, right?”
He sent a salute my way, soft brown eyes smiling as he did. "Course."
And with that, I headed upstairs, only taking my first full breath in what felt like hours when I closed my bedroom door.
Even with the London plan in motion, the longer I was sat there, not being honest with my best friends about what had just happened, the more I felt the need to tell them.
But I wanted to sit with it. Just for a while.
Because I still wasn’t sure exactly how I’d ended up kissing Marcus Romano in the first place.
My leggings and cardigan found their way to my wash basket, and I slipped on my comfort hoodie that hadn't seen the wash basket in a good three weeks.
Then I lit my candles, and before I could overthink my way out of it I perched on the stool in the centre of the room, the weight of the night slipping off my shoulders, and I sucked in another breath.
The memories ambushed me again, and again, but even then I still couldn’t make sense of it.
This was Marcus. Marcus. Just hearing his name used to be enough for me to roll my eyes so hard it hurt. This wasn’t us. This was never supposed to be us.
Okay sure, for a second we weren’t the raging arseholes we’d been for the entire time we’d known each other; but still, what happened wasn’t supposed to happen. It was never supposed to happen.
I thought closing my eyes would help.
It didn’t.
I tried music.
The first song that played was Kiss Me by Six Pence None The Richer.
So instead my palms found their way over my eyes and I sank into darkness.
But the more I thought back, the more I felt the ghost of his lips on mine, the weight of his hand on my cheek, holding me like one gust of wind could make me vanish, and the more I remembered why I hadn’t pulled away, even when I realised what was happening.
And it was different than my kiss with Rainie. With her, I’d been reminded of the ways the last time this nearly happened ruined me. But with Marcus…
In the moment before, I’d never felt safer, and all he was doing was sitting next to me.
The thoughts in my head were jamming in the centre, tension blooming in my temples and making my head fall back, my stare glued to the peeling paint on the ceiling rose. I had to get them out somehow, but I couldn’t tell anyone. Not yet.
And then, as my head slipped forward, my eyes caught onto the blank canvas I’d knocked over earlier, when I nearly came close to painting again.
I was confused about what had been going through my head during training, confused about whether it meant anything at all.
And if I wasn’t going to spill it to my friends, the next best thing for me to do, what I’d always done when I couldn’t find the words, was to paint.
Without thinking, I grabbed a brush from the floor, found a palette, and a half-used tube of navy paint and set up my supplies. I scooted my stool closer, so far that all I could see was the canvas.
It was like it was taunting me, but I ignored it, and as I closed my eyes, I lifted my hand.
And for the first time in months, I painted.