33. Nate
thirty-three
Nate
My smile is a mile wide as I push Quinn’s bedroom door open and step into her pale pink room.
She bounces in place as she holds onto the side railing of her crib. “Dada.”
“Hi, Quinn Stefani. Did you have a good nap?”
She reaches for me, and I scoop her up into a hug, dropping a kiss on her head as she cuddles into my chest. She sits up straight in my arms and points to the open door. “Lu?”
I nod as the thought of Lucy makes me smile again.
That kiss… I’ve never experienced a kiss like that.
It was mind-blowing. It felt like finally connecting with a magnet that’s been pulling on me for years.
It was like something inside me had been building up to that moment for a very long time.
Kissing Lucy was like realizing the missing part of my heart that I’ve been searching for was right beside me all along.
It was… more than just a kiss. It was an entire future panning out ahead of us.
My stomach starts a slow drop as I realize this is real.
This isn’t about healthcare and childcare anymore. This is planning family vacations and sitting hand in hand on the front porch as our hair turns gray.
I can’t mess this up.
I can’t go down those stairs and expect to keep kissing her like that whenever I want.
I can’t push and pressure her into moving at my pace.
Because, for me, this is real now, but I can’t expect her to be on the same page.
If I mess this up, I could lose my shot at that beautiful future my mind had no problem picturing with Lucy.
I have to approach this with care, make sure she’s comfortable, and let her call the shots.
Quinn pats my face as she points at the door. “Lu, Lu.”
I nod. “Yeah, Mama’s home.”
My eyes widen as my own words roll through my mind. I search Quinn’s face as she waits—impatiently—for me to collect myself. This is exactly why I can’t be careless with Lucy. It’s not just my heart on the line, or Lucy’s for that matter.
Quinn will be affected by the way this progresses for the rest of her life.
How I handle things now could determine whether she grows up with parents who pretend to be in love for appearances but are secretly heartbroken, or with parents who have real feelings for each other and a healthy relationship to show for it.
That’s a lot of pressure for a couple of childhood friends who used to pick on each other but are now married for healthcare and childcare, and just shared their first real kiss.
I’m getting dizzy thinking about it.
I slide my phone out of my pocket and check the time, breathing a sigh of relief as I realize Caleb’s off work. I shift Quinn to my hip and type out a quick message.
Meet me at the park. I need to run. Now.
Caleb responds quickly with a thumbs-up emoji—literally the only emoji he ever uses.
Quinn gets restless, pushing against my chest and fighting to get down so she can find Lucy herself. I tuck my phone back into my pocket and nod. “I know, I know. I’m going. We’ll find Lucy.”
As I carry Quinn down the stairs, I train my expression into something neutral—something that will hide the frenzy I’m feeling inside me.
Lucy frowns as I hit the last landing, pausing her sweeping effort and setting the broom aside as her eyes roam my face. “Everything okay?”
I swallow and nod. “Yeah, fine.”
Quinn reaches for Lucy as soon as I step off the last stair, and Lucy smiles as she holds her hands out to take her. Quinn claps and says, “Lu-mama.”
I freeze, feeling my eyes widen as my gaze darts to Lucy’s face.
She blinks and her cheeks tint pink. She smiles as she takes Quinn from my arms and kisses her cheeks. “Did you have a good nap, Quinnie girl? I missed you this morning.”
Quinn pats Lucy’s chest and smiles. “Lu-ma, Lu-ma.”
Lucy’s smile wobbles like she’s unsure, but the warmth in her gaze tells a different story. She wants this. I can’t mess it up.
I clear my throat and close the distance between us. I drop a kiss on both their heads, suppressing my urge to carry them both into the living room and spend the rest of the evening curled on the couch watching Quinn play and sharing casual kisses with my wife.
I clench my jaw and blink the image away. “I’m going to the park for a little while.”
Lucy frowns, so I continue, “I’m meeting Caleb for a quick run.”
Her eyes search my face, but she hums and nods. “Okay. I’ll get this cleaned up while you’re gone.”
I frown and shake my head. “No, don’t bother. I’ll clean it up when I get back. Play with Quinn. She missed you today.”
I don’t let myself linger. I grab my keys from the shelf in the closet, where I stashed them before I started the wallpaper removal, and head for the door.
I turn and give a small wave—Quinn waves and calls, “Bye, bye,” while Lucy’s wary eyes follow me—then slip out the door and into the stifling early August heat.
I can feel Caleb’s gaze on me as we run side-by-side down the paved path in the park outside Willow Bend.
This pavement has seen a lot of our sweat, blood, and even a few tears over the years that we’ve been coming here.
We have this unspoken rule that whenever we need to blow off steam for one reason or another, we meet here and do it together, even if we don’t utter a syllable about it. We don’t work through our stuff alone.
He turns to me again, and I frown, slowing to a pace that’s more conducive to conversation. “What?”
He reaches over, still jogging, and brushes at something on my shirt. “You’ve got paper stuck there.”
I glance down briefly so I don’t trip and peel a piece of wallpaper off my shirt. We jog a few more paces, and I keep my gaze trained on the path ahead of us. “Lucy and I worked on the foyer today—scraped some wallpaper off.”
Caleb hums.
I swallow and focus on my breathing, not letting the panicked feeling in my chest hijack my oxygen supply. Caleb jogs silently beside me as I replay every reason why I can’t mess things up with Lucy. The pressure builds in my chest, and I blurt, “I kissed her.”
Caleb misses a step but quickly recovers and gets back on track. “I thought you promised—”
“You were right.” I glance at him, not slowing my pace. “She wanted me to kiss her before. I apologized for hurting her, and she told me that if I ever wanted to kiss her again, all I had to do was ask.”
Caleb chuckles.
I shake my head. “We had a moment today while we were scraping off wallpaper.” I draw a deep breath and let it out in a long huff. “I’ve never wanted to kiss a woman as badly as I wanted to kiss her.” I pause and purse my lips. “So, I asked.”
Caleb’s strides stay quiet and even beside me. “And?”
I glance at him again, then focus on the path, so I don’t fall. “She said yes, and I kissed her.”
We jog for nearly a minute in silence before he prompts, “And?”
My chest aches as I remember how incredible it felt to kiss Lucy. “It was the most amazing kiss of my entire life. I didn’t want to stop.”
Caleb takes two more strides and grunts, “Did you?”
I nod and sigh. “Yeah, when Quinn woke up from her nap. Then I sent you that text.”
His eyes narrow, but his pace never slows. “Why?”
“Because I called her ‘Mama’ to Quinn.”
“I’m not following.”
I slow to a stop and set my hands on my hips as I catch my breath.
Caleb stops and walks back toward me, barely winded.
I shake my head. “I can’t mess this up.”
He frowns.
“If I handle this the wrong way and it all goes sideways, it wouldn’t just hurt Lucy and me; it would hurt Quinn, too.”
“Why do you think you’re going to mess it up?”
I run my hands through my sweaty hair, glad I left my hat in the car. “Because I’ve messed it up before. When I held her in the kitchen and she wanted me to kiss her, I thought I hurt her because I broke my promise, but I actually hurt her because I pushed her away. I’m not good at this.”
He sighs and crosses his arms. “So, don’t push her away again.”
I close my eyes and let my shoulders drop. “But what if I rush her? What if I pressure her to move faster than she’s comfortable with?”
He purses his lips and shakes his head. “You won’t. But that’s not really what you’re afraid of.”
I frown as my eyes search his face. “It’s not?”
He shakes his head.
I release an impatient breath. “What am I afraid of then, Master Yoda?”
His eyes narrow. “You crossed a line.”
My eyes widen, and I freeze. “I asked her first—”
He closes his eyes and shakes his head, blowing out a sigh like he’s annoyed with my ignorance. “You crossed the line between playing house and building a real family, and you can’t go back.”
My breath leaves in a long exhale, and my shoulders drop as his words land right in my chest. “What if that’s a move we’re not ready for?”
Caleb tilts his head. “How do you feel about Lucy?”
What a loaded question. How can I sum up everything I feel about Lucy?
She’s strong, encouraging, and independent, but she craves belonging.
She’s kind, thoughtful, and observant. She’s stubborn, persistent, and not afraid of a little hard work.
She’s the woman I want Quinn to look up to for the rest of her life.
She’s the one I want to share everything with—my life, my home, my heart.
She encourages me in my faith and makes me want to be a better man—a spiritual leader for our family. She makes my heart race and my skin tingle. All I want is to spend the rest of my life giving her the home and family she’s always wanted.
There’s only one word that encompasses everything I feel for her.
Tears sting my eyes as I meet Caleb’s gaze. “I love her.”
The word rings true in a way that has my shoulders relaxing and my lungs breathing easy again, like even my body has been waiting a long time for me to admit it.
He nods, his mouth lifting into an almost-smile. “I know.”
I run my hands into my hair and hold them there, gently tugging the roots. “So, what do I do? How do I handle this?”
His brown eyes bore into mine. “Tell her.”
My brows rise as my hands drop to my sides. “That’s it? That’s all the wisdom you have for me? Some Yoda you are.”
He rolls his eyes, but based on the twitch at the corner of his mouth, I’d say he’s fighting a laugh. “I never claimed to be Yoda. I’m far from an expert when it comes to relationships.”
His jaw clenches like he’s holding something back. He shakes his head almost imperceptibly, takes a step closer, and sets a hand on my shoulder. “But it doesn’t take an expert to know that if you love your wife, you should probably tell her.”
My eyes bounce between his. “What if telling her pressures her to move faster than she needs to?”
He shakes his head, dropping his arm back to his side. “Lucy isn’t the kind of person to do something she doesn’t want to do to spare feelings, especially with you.”
I frown. “What do you mean, ‘especially with me’?”
He shrugs. “She’s comfortable being herself with you. She always has been. She’s never been afraid to tell you exactly what she thinks.”
My chest warms, and I run my hand in a small circle above my heart. That’s one of the things I love most about her—how open and comfortable she is with me.
He sighs. “If you don’t tell her, you’re going to make yourself crazy and make her paranoid about the kiss. You may have already done that when you bailed to run with me afterward.”
I blow a long exhale. “So, tell my wife that I love her. It’s as simple as that?”
Caleb purses his lips and nods. “Yep. That’ll do it.”
I nod as Caleb turns and resumes jogging down the path. I start behind him a moment later, not pushing myself to catch up with him as my mind reels, imagining different ways to tell Lucy that I love her.
I can’t blurt it. This feels too big to do something thoughtless.
As my mind wanders and my feet tread the winding path behind Caleb, I remember something Lucy said when she agreed to this arrangement. I smile and pick up my pace, confident that I’ve thought of the perfect way to show Lucy how much I love her.