Chapter 10 #2
“And you haven’t? You won’t?” My voice breaks a little at the end because the last thing I want to do is confirm this baby is mine, form a bond with her, make her mine, and have Karina come back and decide she wants to take her back from me.
Karina shakes her head. She doesn’t show any emotion as she opens her mouth to speak. “I won’t change my mind. She’s yours, Jude. Just yours.”
An unfamiliar feeling runs through my body when I look down at the sleeping baby. I don’t know the first thing about taking care of an infant, but I’ll learn…for her. “I don’t even know what to say to you,” I confess. This still doesn’t seem real. It seems like some plot out of a movie.
“Her name is Ava,” Karina tells me. I don’t look at her.
I can’t, not as I’m still trying to process how she can just hand over her daughter like this.
“There was this nurse in the hospital who said she looked like an Ava. I went along with it because I hadn’t really ever thought of giving her a name until then. ”
Her honesty feels like a punch to the gut. I don’t understand how she never even thought about giving her a name. My eyes travel over the sleeping baby’s face—Ava’s face. “Ava,” I whisper, getting used to the way it falls from my lips. I like it.
Karina lets out a long sigh, making me look back in her direction again. “There are diapers in this bag. Extra clothes. The formula she’s been drinking, along with bottles. You’re going to need to buy more, but I wanted to make sure you had enough for now.”
All she does is stare at me, and all I can do at the moment is stare right back. I can’t wrap my head around what’s happening. I can’t pretend to even begin to understand how she could’ve hidden a pregnancy—a baby—from me and then decided to tell me by dropping the baby off and leaving forever.
I don’t know how much time passes as we just stand there staring at one another. My entire life has changed in a span of a few minutes. All I know is I apparently have a daughter, and she needs me.
I clear my throat, wondering how life can change so abruptly, and meet the eyes of the mother of my child. “My lawyers will be in touch with yours.”
She nods and takes a step back. It’s only now that I notice the idling car in my driveway. A man sits in the driver’s seat, his eyes pinned on the phone in his hands. I look back at Karina and wonder if I’ll ever see her again.
“My lawyer’s card is in the bag as well. Take care of her, okay? And please, Jude, don’t tell anyone who her mother is. I went to great lengths to hide the pregnancy…to hide the birth and the baby. No one can know about this.”
I feel dizzy as I watch her walk away. My fingertips press into the doorframe so hard that I’m sure there’s got to be marks on my skin.
I grew up with a mother who loved me and dreamed of being a mother.
All she ever wanted to be was a mom. It took a lot of years—and some science—for my parents to have me.
I was surrounded by my mother’s love every single day, but I know not every woman dreams of being a mother.
I respect Karina’s right to choose; I just can’t wrap my head around how she cared for Ava for four months only to decide to abandon her.
Just as Karina walks away, the baby at my feet begins to grunt.
I look down, finding her eyes open and staring right at me.
The air leaves my lungs the moment my eyes connect with hers.
I crouch down, my hand shaking as I reach to touch the baby—my baby.
Her eyes meet mine, and it’s like my world comes into focus.
I have no idea what I’m going to do with her—I know nothing about kids and have no business raising a baby—but as I look into her dark blue eyes, I know that I’m all she has now.
“Hi, Ava,” I whisper. My throat feels tight, and my eyes sting with the threat of tears. The reality of the situation is kicking in, and I have no idea what to do.
I don’t even know how to unbuckle her from the car seat she’s in.
She lets out a little coo before kicking her legs. Her eyes stay on me as I try to figure out how the hell to unfasten the buckle between her chubby little legs.
I finally get the button pushed down enough for the two clips to pop out.
After that, I figure out how to get the buckle undone, and she’s free.
My heart hammers against my chest at the thought of picking her up.
I’ve never held a baby. I guess I held Beck and Margo’s daughter, but she wasn’t this little by the time I had the courage to hold her.
Ava’s tiny. And she stares at me, wide-eyed and curious, having no idea that her mother just left her and now I’m all she’s got.
“I’m your dad,” I tell her, letting my fingers drift underneath her.
She seems so fragile. I haven’t even picked her up yet, and I’m terrified I’m doing something wrong.
All she does is let out a little squeal. I think it’s an excited squeal. Or maybe she’s mad. I don’t know babies and their sounds enough to know the difference, but I do know she doesn’t look upset as I pull her out of the car seat and into my arms.
I cradle her head, not even knowing if it needs to be supported or not. I don’t know what I’m doing as I pull her into my chest. I’m probably already fucking this up, and she hasn’t even been in my care for five minutes.
Ava lets out another squeal, and I hope the sound is a happy one. I don’t want to already be messing this up.
The sound makes me smile as I bring my forehead to hers while cradling her gently. “Ava, I have no idea what I’m doing here, and I’m probably going to mess things up, but we’re going to figure this out. Okay, baby girl?”
I lean in and press my lips to her little forehead because it feels like the right thing to do.
“We’re going to figure this out,” I repeat, realizing the words are said more for my benefit than for hers.