Chapter 20 Jude
TWENTY
JUDE
“It’s okay, baby girl,” I whisper, bouncing back and forth as I try to settle my daughter.
It doesn’t work.
Nothing’s working.
Every time I feel like I get her to sleep, she’s up twenty minutes later, crying all over again.
Ava lets out a loud cry before burying her face against my shoulder. I know she has to be exhausted. I’m exhausted. I just can’t figure out how to get her to stay asleep.
I continue to rock back and forth at a pace so fast that I’m wondering if it’s maybe too much for her.
Charlotte had mentioned I might want a rocking chair in Ava’s nursery when we have time to get that set up.
I’ve already come to the decision that as soon as Ava gets to sleep and we reach an acceptable hour of the morning, I’ll be calling around to find a rocking chair that can be delivered today.
It’s a necessity. Although the constant rocking back and forth and pacing the room with Ava in my arms has made my legs burn the same way any workout with my trainer would.
Ava cries again before spitting out the Binky I just got her to finally take.
“What am I doing wrong?” I grumble.
All Ava does is cry again, clearly unable to understand or answer my question.
The night started out great. Well, kind of.
I wanted to ask Charlotte to stay the night tonight.
I know Ava is my daughter and that she’s my responsibility, but I’m still learning what it takes to raise a baby, and Char’s just so good with her.
Truthfully, I was nervous to be alone. The moment my front door closed, I considered running after her and confessing my anxiety about this first night.
But I let her leave. I already had a victory by getting her to agree to stay here for the summer.
I didn’t want to ask too much of her and scare her away.
For a couple of hours, Ava stayed fast asleep.
I watched her closely on the monitor, watching her little chest rise and fall on the tiny screen to make sure she was still breathing.
Eventually, I climbed into bed and continued to watch her sleep on the monitor before exhaustion from the day took over, and I drifted off to sleep myself.
I couldn’t have been asleep long before Ava finally woke up.
She’s barely slept since.
It’s our first night together, and now that I’m alone, I can’t even get her to stay asleep on her own. Charlotte made it look so easy. Ava’s persistent crying and squirming show it isn’t, in fact, easy at all.
I’m terrible at this.
I continue to shush her, wondering if it’d be frowned upon if I turned up the volume on the white noise machine in the room. Maybe that’ll help make her sleepy and stay asleep? Fuck if I know.
I look down at my daughter, and my chest constricts because of how tired she looks.
“Just go to sleep,” I plead softly, wishing she’d listen. Instead, it has the opposite effect. Her bottom lip juts out and trembles before she lets out a loud wail.
“Maybe you’re still hungry?” I ask, wishing she could actually answer me. All of this would be so much easier if she could just tell me what’s bothering her.
I try my best to bounce up and down in the same rhythm that Charlotte showed me earlier. It does nothing to calm Ava. If anything, she lets out an even louder wail.
“Okay, we’ll try the bottle again.”
I walk over to my nightstand and grab the bottle from the edge. I continue to rock Ava back and forth, even as I take a seat on my bed and get comfortable. I hold her at the angle Charlotte told me to and press the tip of the bottle to Ava’s lips.
Instead of drinking it, she blows a loud raspberry before thrashing her head back and forth.
“Okay, not hungry,” I mutter, setting the bottle down before letting my head fall back against the headboard. I rifle through all the different tricks Charlotte told me about. I’ve tried everything possible to soothe Ava, and it just won’t work.
Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.
I shake my head, pushing the thought from my mind. I can’t think like that. I’m all Ava has. I have to be cut out for this. I have no choice. It’s just our first night together, and I’m still figuring all of this out. I can’t keep doubting myself. That doesn’t help anyone.
“Why won’t you sleep, baby girl?” I whisper, looking down at my daughter. I trace my thumb over her eyebrows. The movement makes her eyelids flutter shut.
I sit up a little straighter, wondering if I found a trick.
“You like that?” I ask, cradling her small head in both my hands.
I bring my knees up, getting her in a comfortable position before I run the pads of my thumbs over her eyebrows once again.
Excitement blooms in my chest at the hope that maybe I’ve found something that’ll help.
A sleepy smile forms on my daughter’s lips as her eyelids drift closed once again.
This time, they stay shut.
Did I figure it out?
I hold my breath as I repeat the motion. I sway a little, hoping the combination of movements is what’s needed to finally get my daughter to sleep.
Pride blooms in my chest as I watch her closely, her eyes not opening again. Her long eyelashes kiss the apples of her round cheeks as her chest rises and falls in long, sleepy breaths.
She looks so adorable in this moment that I fight the urge to lean in and press kisses all over her face. No matter how strong the temptation is, I’ll do anything to keep her asleep right now, and that means fighting the urge to kiss her perfectly chubby cheeks.
She’s beautiful.
And she’s mine.
I still haven’t had time to fully wrap my head around the fact that I have a daughter. There’s a sharp pain in my chest when I think about the four months of her life I’ve missed. Maybe if I’d known her from birth, I’d be much better at this. But I can’t let myself dwell on that too much.
I missed four months with her, but that won’t happen again. I’m going to find a way to be the parent she deserves. I’ll make up for our lost time together and be a father she can be proud of when she gets older.
I don’t know how long I watch her sleep. I know I need to put her in her own bed and fall asleep myself, but now that she isn’t crying and she’s dreaming peacefully, all I want to do is watch her.
I’ve always wanted to be a dad, but I thought it’d be in the more traditional way.
I didn’t think I’d be figuring it out on my own, and I definitely never imagined raising a daughter on my own.
A pit forms in my stomach that one day I’ll have to be honest with Ava about her mom not wanting to be a mother.
I already dread it, but all I can do is make sure that I do everything to give Ava a happy, fulfilling childhood.
I grew up incredibly lucky, having two loving parents who gave me the world.
Mom and Dad were the perfect role models of what parents should be.
I had a happy childhood, and I so desperately want to give that to Ava, even if she won’t have the traditional family dynamic that I did.
I swallow past a lump in my throat as guilt washes over me while I stare at my daughter.
I know I need to tell my parents about Ava.
It’s not that I’m hiding her. I just know the moment they find out about her, they’ll be on the next flight out.
They’ll start meddling and asking questions, and I don’t have the answers yet.
I’m not ashamed of Ava, but I’m also not looking forward to explaining to my parents, who have been married for over forty years, that not only did I have a child from a one-night stand but that I also missed the first four months of that child’s life.
I wish I had found out about Ava at the same time as her mother, but I can’t change that.
I’ll tell my parents. I want them to be involved in Ava’s life.
They were made to be grandparents and have used every opportunity to remind me of that, but first, I want to gain my footing as a dad.
I want them to see that I can handle this on my own.
That I’m a good father. I just need a little more time.
My eyelids begin to feel heavy. I let them close for a moment, knowing I need to muster up the courage to put Ava back in her bed so I can catch what sleep I can.
I just need one minute like this.
I’ll move her in one minute.
Just as I find myself drifting off, Ava begins to squirm before letting out a cry so loud that I jump with her still in my arms. My movement makes her scream. Her entire face scrunches together and turns a bright red.
I sigh before sliding out of bed and beginning to rock her again.
So much for sleep. This is going to be a long night.