Chapter 26 Charlotte
TWENTY-SIX
CHARLOTTE
“I’m waiting for you to tell me I told you so or something close to that.” Jude briefly looks over at me before focusing his attention back on the road.
I stare at his profile for a minute, trying to figure out what he’s talking about. “What?” I keep my voice quiet in an attempt not to disturb Ava.
He hooks a thumb over his shoulder as a corner of his lip rises in a smirk. “Ava’s fast asleep. You were right about a drive doing the trick.”
I look at the screen on Jude’s dash. There’s a camera on Ava’s seat that allows us to watch her from the front seat.
At the store, I just wanted to get a mirror for the back, but when Jude saw the camera, he insisted we go this route instead.
I’ll admit that it’s nice not to have to look over my shoulder to check on her.
“Something about the movement of the car does it every time,” I note, smiling as I stare at the image of Ava on the screen.
Her little cheeks puff out in the most adorable way as she peacefully sleeps.
“How long should I drive for?” Jude asks as he comes to a stop at a red light.
I shrug before looking over at him, finding him already staring at me. “I’m in no rush to get home yet. Maybe we drive around long enough to let her get into a deep sleep. We’ll have a better shot at successfully transferring her to her bed when we get back to the house.”
Jude doesn’t answer. All he does is glance at the light before looking back at me. The quiet makes me nervous. Maybe he doesn’t want to spend the extra time together. He did try to get me to stay home in the first place.
“Or we can just go back to the house if you don’t want to keep driving. She’s asleep, and I bet if we—”
“I want to keep driving.” His words come out confident and leave no room for argument.
My mouth snaps shut at his directness. He keeps his voice low, so the words are raspy, making goosebumps pop up on my skin, even though I’m not cold.
“Okay,” I manage to get out, wondering if being alone with him in the car was the best idea.
It seemed innocent at the time I offered it.
I really did just want to help. Driving worked all the time with my nieces and nephews.
But there’s something about being in the dark car, with him with only the moonlight and the occasional streetlamp to illuminate the space, that makes this feel far more intimate than I imagined.
I’ve spent so much time alone with Jude, and I didn’t use to think twice about it.
But now that we’ve kissed and now that I’m getting to know him on a deeper level, it’s different.
I’m not able to keep him at arm’s length.
Before, he was my charming friend whom I enjoyed spending time with.
I was attracted to him, but I knew better.
Because I knew better, I was able to keep up walls with him.
Now, those walls seem paper-thin. Watching him step so effortlessly into the role of being a dad has opened up something inside me that’s getting harder to fight.
I’ve always been attracted to Jude Kensington.
It’s just that I knew better than to act on it.
I didn’t want things to get messy because I knew he was never the commitment type.
Now, I wonder if I had it all wrong. It seems like maybe he could be the commitment type if he just met the right girl, and I can’t help but catch myself wondering if that girl could be me.
“What are we going to talk about, then?” He steps on the gas and leans back in his seat, and I’m suddenly aware of just how big he is.
Even in the roomy SUV, his elbow bumps against mine as he rests it against the center console between us.
I don’t know exactly how tall he is…it’s got to be over six feet.
I’ve always known he was tall, but it feels more pronounced right now with his broad shoulders and how far his seat is pushed back to account for his long legs.
His elbow used to bump against mine in the car, and I’d joke about him staying on his side.
Now, when his skin grazes mine, I don’t mind it.
I don’t want to tease him about touching me because I don’t want him to stop.
“Char?”
I jump at hearing the nickname he uses for me. I hadn’t realized I was spaced out until he tore me from my thoughts of him. “Um,” I begin, tucking my hair behind my ear as I try to think about what he was saying before I got lost in thought. “You pick,” I finally get out.
“Tell me your secrets.”
My head whips in his direction. “My secrets?”
Jude smiles, and why does his smile now make my chest tighten? He’s given me that same smirk countless times in the year we’ve been friends. I used to easily pretend it had no effect on me. Now I’m fumbling for words when he aims that smile in my direction.
“Yeah. We need to pass the time, and spilling secrets seems like the perfect way to do it.”
I shake my head. “I’m not giving you my secrets.
” I don’t even know what secrets I have kept from him.
Up until recently, I had no problem telling him everything that came to my mind.
He’s my friend. Now, the only secret that I can think of is that it’s getting harder and harder to keep him in the friend zone.
But then again, nothing about our friendship has been typical lately.
He turns onto another street and slows down slightly as we drive through a neighborhood. “I’m scared of clowns,” he admits, taking me completely by surprise.
“You’re scared of clowns?” I repeat the question slowly as I process exactly what he said.
He nods before briefly glancing over at me. “Yep. Big-time.”
“That doesn’t count as a secret. Isn’t everyone afraid of clowns?”
His eyes go wide, and his mouth falls open. “I’m confessing one of my biggest fears to you—one that I used to get made fun of by my friends at school for—and you’re telling me that it isn’t even a secret? Way to wound me, Char.”
I can’t help but laugh and shake my head. “I’m just saying I thought it was common knowledge that everyone was scared of clowns. They’re creepy.”
“I don’t just find them creepy. It goes deeper than that.
If I see one, I’m running in the opposite direction.
When I was in school, the guys on my floor all decorated my room with clown posters.
I walked in from spending the weekend with my parents to find creepy clowns plastered all over my room.
I didn’t talk to any of them for weeks.”
“Even Cal?”
“I didn’t talk to Cal for almost two weeks. I was so pissed off at him. He had to have been the one to tell everyone.”
“What if Ava loves clowns? She might want one for one of her birthday parties down the road.”
Jude hits the brakes. I rock forward, my hand finding the dash in front of me to steady myself. He looks at me with a horrified expression. “Why would you ever put that into the universe? I’ll give Ava anything she wants in this world, but she isn’t having clowns at a party. That’s my only limit.”
I know I shouldn’t, but I laugh. I haven’t ever seen Jude like this. He keeps the SUV at a stop in the middle of the road. Luckily, we’re in a neighborhood with no other cars around as he stares at me with wide eyes and his mouth hanging open.
“I’m sorry,” I start, trying to cover my laugh, but it doesn’t work. The fact that I know I shouldn’t be laughing only makes me laugh more. “I just can’t get the mental picture out of my head of you running for your life at a child’s birthday party just because a clown showed up.”
He pushes on the gas, softly accelerating as we continue to drive through the neighborhood. I briefly glance at the monitor to find that Ava is still fast asleep despite her dad abruptly stopping the car moments ago.
“It’s a secret for a reason, Char. I’m terrified of clowns, and if you ever tell anyone else, our friendship is over.”
“Would you forgive me if I hung clown pictures all over your house this summer?”
“I think I’d forgive you for anything,” he instinctively responds. The car slows down, and his eyes find mine again.
My lips part, and my pulse spikes. His answer wasn’t what I was expecting at all, and suddenly, my mouth feels too dry, and my head feels too fuzzy to even respond. There was something about the huskiness to his voice that made his words feel more raw.
I think I’d forgive you for anything.
What did he mean by that? The words felt like an admission, but of what? Am I thinking too much into it? Maybe that’s just what friends do…forgive each other for anything. That’s got to be what he meant.
Jude stares at me for a few more moments before ripping his gaze from me and focusing back on the road.
We pick up speed once again. Even in the dimly lit car, I can see the way his jaw flexes.
I wonder if he keeps his jaw tight like that because he regrets what he said or if he’s fighting the urge to say more.
Before I can think too much about it, he wipes away the thick tension between us by smirking once again and looking over at me.
“But I’d rather you not witness me lose my shit at the sight of a clown, so please don’t put clown posters all over the house.
I’ve got to keep up appearances.” He winks, pretending everything is normal again, and I wonder if I was reading too much into the way he so easily said he’d forgive me for anything.
“No need to impress me.” I try to keep my voice light and like I’m not replaying his words over and over again as I attempt to dissect what they could mean.
Jude smiles so wide that it shows off his deep dimples. “I always want to impress you, Char.” He lets the words linger between us for a few moments before speaking up again. “Now it’s your turn to share a secret.”
“No, I need a different secret. Give me something more intense.” I don’t know why I push him to tell me more.
Admitting he was scared of clowns should be enough, but it isn’t.
I want more. “Tell me something no one else knows.” My words come out barely above a whisper, and I try to tell myself they don’t come out desperate, but I know they do.
I just want to feel like I matter to him…
that he trusts me enough to tell me something he’s never said to anyone else before.
“Something no one else knows?” He sits back in his seat and lets out a low whistle.
“Yes. I want to know a real secret.”
He briefly looks over at me before focusing on the road once again. His jaw flexes as he keeps quiet. I want to know where his mind goes, but I don’t say anything as I hope that he actually answers my question.
Finally, he sighs before opening his mouth.
“I told you clowns were my biggest fear because it didn’t feel too vulnerable to do so, but the truth is, my biggest fear is that I’m going fuck up being a dad somehow.
I’m terrified of letting Ava down. She just has me, and it’d kill me for her to grow up and wish that she’d had more. ”
I swallow, because although I’ve suspected he’s scared of how he’s doing as a father, him admitting that to me still comes as a surprise. “Ava is so lucky to have you,” I assure him. I try to put as much conviction as I can into my words.
He looks at me, and there’s so much vulnerability in his eyes that it slices right through to my heart. This is the side of Jude I never expected. The one who allows me to see what’s really underneath the surface and not just what he wants you to see. “Is she? I’m not sure I agree.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a thirty-six-year-old who has never been with someone long enough to even begin to discuss children with.
It’s not that I didn’t want to be a dad; I always thought I eventually would become one.
But I haven’t taken anything seriously enough to really think about it.
I’m not prepared to be a dad. I don’t know how to explain it.
It’s just that everything in life has always been easy for me until Ava came into my life.
Now, it’s just so hard to imagine doing this alone and not fucking it all up. ”
I stare at him as he stares at the road ahead.
It’s at the tip of my tongue to remind him he doesn’t have to do any of this alone.
I’m here for him as long as he’ll let me be, but for some reason, I can’t say the words out loud.
It doesn’t feel right to say right now because I know he means that he doesn’t have Ava’s mother to help raise her.
Ava doesn’t have her mom, and that scares him, and me reminding him that I’m here for him—and her—doesn’t change that.
“You’re not going to fuck it up. I don’t know if anyone’s ever really prepared to become a parent. It’s just something you do. You show up for her every single day and give it your best. That’s all you can really do. But I mean it when I say she’s lucky to have you, Jude.”
He shakes his head as if he doesn’t agree, and it breaks my heart.
“And it’s normal to be scared. You’re scared because you care.”
He opens his mouth like he wants to say something else, but he snaps it shut.
A few more seconds pass by before he runs a hand along his jawline.
His shoulders relax with a long sigh before he opens his mouth to talk once again.
“Your turn for a secret. And since you got two out of me, you also have to tell me something you haven’t told anyone else before. ”
I stare at him, and it feels like I’m seeing him for the first time.
He isn’t the Jude Kensington I met a year ago.
He looks like him. He even acts like him.
But the Jude from last year…I was able to see right through that Jude.
The charm didn’t work on me. Not really.
But now there’s more to the Jude sitting next to me.
Underneath the charm and confidence, there’s a man with fears and feelings.
I’ve known him for a year. I’ve been close with him.
But I haven’t seen the side of him that he’s been showing me since he found out about Ava.
I like this raw and real version of Jude.
The one where he isn’t afraid to let me see him be vulnerable.
I swallow, realizing that I might like this version of him too much.
I might be catching feelings for my best friend, which is the worst thing that could possibly happen because he’s made it more than clear that the only thing he needs from me right now is to be there as a friend for him.
So why am I sitting next to him, wondering what it’d be like if we were something more than friends?