Chapter 27 Jude
TWENTY-SEVEN
JUDE
Charlotte is quiet. She’s rarely quiet. I don’t know if her silence should worry me, and I don’t think I like it.
Maybe I shouldn’t have told her how scared I am of fucking things up as a dad. I hadn’t planned on saying that. The words slipped out before I could think better of them. But it doesn’t matter if they were intentional or not, they were still the truth.
She wanted me to tell her something I haven’t ever said to anyone else, and my fear of being a terrible dad is the most real and raw thing I could tell her.
I wish I could say I regret saying them, but I don’t.
For some reason, it feels right to admit that to her.
Everything with Charlotte feels right—too right.
No matter how hard I’m trying to fight it, Charlotte means a lot to me.
She means more to me than I think I even realize.
And if she continues to be there the way that she has been for me and Ava when she doesn’t have to be, the harder it’ll be to keep walls up that prevent me from caring about her more than I should.
The lines are bound to get blurry, and I already know it’s going to be hard to look at her and just see a friend when I inevitably care for her more than I ever have any other woman who was just my friend.
It feels impossible to stay quiet as I wait for her to give me a secret.
I feel almost naked beside her after what I just admitted.
She wanted something I’ve been afraid to say out loud, and she got it.
Now, I’m desperate for her to be just as vulnerable with me.
I don’t mind opening up to her, but I want her to feel like she can open up to me as well.
I clear my throat and risk a glance over at her for a moment before looking back at the road.
“You must really be thinking about that secret.” I can’t help but break the silence.
It feels too quiet between us. I need to fill it with something, even though I desperately wish I could get into her head and find out what’s running through her mind as she sits there staring at me, not saying a word.
Why am I so desperate for her to open up to me?
I can’t explain why, but I just want to know things that she might not tell anyone else. I want that closeness to her, no matter how dangerous that might be, especially since we’ve agreed to keep things between us strictly platonic.
“Lately, I’ve been wondering if my parents are disappointed in me,” she admits.
My grip on the steering wheel tightens as my head spins in her direction. “What?”
I don’t know what I was expecting her to say, but it certainly wasn’t that.
She gives me a sad smile as she pushes a stray piece of blonde hair from her face. “Sorry, was that not what you were wanting?” There’s a hesitant tone to her voice that makes me sad.
I swallow and shake my head. “No,” I rasp. “That isn’t it at all. I just don’t understand how you could ever think that.”
She’s incredible. How could anyone ever be disappointed in her?
She pulls her gaze from mine and stares ahead.
I follow her lead, but I can’t help but wish I weren’t in charge of driving the car right now so I didn’t have to look away.
I want to guess every thought running through her head just by studying the different movements of her face.
Instead, I’m left staring ahead as I wait for her to explain what she means.
There’s a soft thud as her head falls back against the headrest. “After college, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life.
I graduated with a degree in business because I wanted to run my own photography business, but it was hard to make any money from it.
I worked as a waitress back home before coming out here to the Hamptons to work at Pembroke.
My biggest dream was to come out here and open up a photography business.
Pembroke wasn’t quite that, but it was a way for me to make money.
It felt like enough at the time. Like something they could be proud of me for.
Now, I can’t help but wonder if I’ve let them down by not wanting… more from my life.”
I keep my mouth shut as I try to think of a nice way to tell her there’s no way in hell that could actually matter to her parents. And if it did, then I’d like to have a serious conversation with them. They should be happy as long as she’s happy.
I’m so lost in thought, being confused how she could actually think anyone could ever be disappointed by her, that I don’t even realize I’ve stayed quiet until she speaks up again.
“It’s just that my siblings all have these careers and families.
And then there’s me. Working at a country club and completely content doing that for now.
I don’t have any big plans. I know I love photography and would love to open up a business doing that one day, but I’m realistic enough to know it’d take a lot to actually pay the bills with it.
What if they’re disappointed that I’m just a cart girl? ”
I can’t help but scoff. “You’re a cart girl at one of the best country clubs in the country.
People apply for years to work at Pembroke and never even get an interview.
The fact that you not only got an interview but also got the job is incredible.
Plus, you got a promotion after only working at the club for a year.
Everyone wants to be a cart girl because of the tips.
Having Pembroke on your resume can get you a job at any other place you want.
You’re doing amazing, and I know your parents are proud of you. ”
When I glance over at her, I find her smiling. The tilt of her lips soothes something inside me. Maybe that beautiful curve of her lips means my words got through to her. “You haven’t even met my parents. What if they have ridiculously high standards?”
“For one, I’d love to meet your parents.” Now that I’ve said the words out loud, I realize just how much I’d love to be lucky enough that she wants to introduce me to her family. “And two, the way you talk about them tells me there’s no way they’re disappointed in you.”
Charlotte is so quiet that I have to look over at her in an attempt to find out why she hasn’t responded. I find her eyes already on me, a wide smile still on her face.
“What?” I ask.
“Have you been paying attention when I talk about my parents?”
I look back at the road as my eyebrows draw in. “Of course I have. I listen to everything you say.”
“Prove it.” The sassy tone to her voice tells me she doesn’t believe me at all.
I sigh as I turn my SUV into a different Southampton neighborhood.
“Your dad’s name is Kyle, and your mom’s name is Ruth, but you’ve told me one of your favorite things is that your dad has always called her Ruthie, and you think it’s romantic.
Your parents met right out of high school.
You’re the baby of five siblings. There’s an age gap between you and the rest because I remember you saying that you were a bit of an oops.
You have two sisters and two brothers, and all of them have kids that you helped watch while growing up.
Your family’s lived in Arizona your entire life, and they all still live there, and—”
“Okay, so it turns out you do listen,” Charlotte interrupts, surprise laced in her tone.
I glance to my right and give her a cocky grin. “I told you I did. Why do you sound so shocked by that?”
“I don’t know. You’ve got so many important things to remember.”
I frown. “Yeah, and I remember what you tell me because you’re important to me too.”
Charlotte groans, and the sound has me looking over at her.
“What?” I ask, finding her with her head in her hands.
“Nothing,” she rushes to get out. “It’s just weird. I know you. We’ve been friends—good friends—for basically a year at this point. But it’s like I’m still finding out things about you that take me by surprise. It’s weird, that’s all.”
I tap my fingers against the steering wheel as I think about her words. “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
My question comes out more hesitant than I intended it to.
I just can’t tell if she likes what she’s finding out about me or not.
I think about her words again, realizing she has a point.
We’ve spent so much time together in the last year.
I can easily call her one of my best friends.
But I do feel like I’m seeing new layers to her in the last couple of days since Ava came into the picture.
“I think it’s both,” Charlotte quietly admits.
My eyes find her for a moment, but instead of her blue gaze meeting mine, she stares at the monitor on the dash instead. I focus back on the road as my entire body feels tight with nerves at her answer.
“Both?” I ask hoarsely.
I want to look at her without having to worry about the road. I cut the wheel to the right and pull over in front of a random house before putting the car in park.
“What are you doing?” Charlotte asks.
I turn my body in my seat and really look at her for the first time this car ride. She has my full attention, and I’m ready to catalog every detail of her answer to my question.
“Waiting for you to tell me why it’s both a good and bad thing that you’re still finding out new things about me.
” I smile as I try to ignore the way my heart pounds.
I don’t know why I’m pushing this. Maybe I don’t want to know her answer.
It could crush me, or it could make me want things I absolutely shouldn’t be wanting with how complicated things already are as I try to navigate being a dad.
Charlotte swallows, her gaze dropping to my lips for a fraction of a second before meeting mine again.
There’s a hungry look in her eyes that I’ve only seen once before—when we kissed in my living room.
It disarms me because I’m not used to her looking at me like this.
She never stares at my lips like she’s hungry for them.
She looks at me like she’s begging to be kissed, and it’s not something I’m used to, but it’s something I desperately want.
I close my eyes and try to forget how she’s looking at me. I try to wipe the sight of her looking at my lips from my mind. It’s only been a couple of days since we agreed to keep things platonic. I thought I’d be so distracted by Ava that it’d be easy to look at Charlotte and not want her.
It turns out not wanting Charlotte might be impossible.
My life is as complicated as ever, and there are a million reasons why I need to not cross any lines with Charlotte.
I need her in my life, and historically, I don’t know how to do romantic relationships.
With time, I would probably mess things up and lose her.
I can’t lose her. But I can’t not want her either.
I open my eyes to find Charlotte staring right at me. Her chest rises and falls in short succession. The SUV feels far smaller than it actually is with how thick the tension is between us.
“Why is it both a good and bad thing, Char?” I ask again, not caring at this point how hoarse my voice is.
She opens her mouth to speak, but before any words come out, Ava lets out a loud wail from the back seat.
I swear Charlotte’s shoulders relax at the sound of Ava crying.
We both look at the monitor to find Ava with her eyes wide open and her mouth poised to let out another cry.
“Looks like you should start driving again,” Charlotte says.
All I do is nod before putting the car back in drive. Ava waking up to interrupt that moment is just another reminder that I shouldn’t be wanting the things I’m wanting when it comes to Charlotte.
Maybe it’s best that I don’t know her answer to my question. At least, I keep reminding myself of that for the rest of the drive. Ava falls asleep instantly, but neither Charlotte nor I say another word. The silence between us only leads my head to wander to places it shouldn’t.
It’s wandering to the sight of her staring at my lips.
At the groan she let out. I’m left spending the entire car ride wondering if I’m doing the right thing by trying to keep things platonic between us.
It doesn’t feel like the right thing. Not when all I want to do is smash my lips against hers and finish what we started a few nights ago.