43. Cassidy
CASSIDY
I checked my reflection in the hallway mirror for the third time in as many minutes, adjusting a stray lock of hair and smoothing down my shirt. The woman staring back at me looked exactly the same as she had yesterday when I’d gotten my period, and the day before that. No visible signs of disappointment, no obvious marks of failure.
The strangest part was how okay I felt about not being pregnant. When I’d first seen the blood, I’d braced myself for devastation that never came. Instead, I felt... different. Like maybe the baby-shaped hole in my life wasn’t actually baby-shaped at all.
Harle was on his way over, probably expecting to find me in pieces. My heart beat faster at the thought of seeing him, and I wasn’t entirely sure if it was excitement or nerves. Maybe both. Those ten days with him had shifted something fundamental inside me, turned all my carefully laid plans into question marks.
“Fucking hell.” I scrubbed my hands over my face, turning away from the mirror. The truth was, without the baby plan between us like a shield, I had no idea how to face him. Or how to face the way he made me feel. Or even how to understand the way he made me feel.
The sound of his truck pulling into the drive sent my pulse skittering. I walked to the front door, watching as he climbed down from the cab. His eyes met mine as he walked up the drive, and something in his expression made my stomach clench. He looked... guarded. That wasn’t like him at all.
I swallowed hard, trying to calm my racing heart, and gave him a small smile as he approached.
“Hey.” My voice was carefully neutral.
“Hey.” His gaze was hooded, unreadable in a way that made my stomach twist. Then his expression softened as he stopped in front of me, his eyes searching mine. “You okay?”
I nodded, though I wasn’t entirely sure if it was true. “Yeah. I think so.” I stepped back, opening the door wider to let him in. He hesitated for a moment, and that hesitation felt like a physical ache in my chest. This wasn’t us. We didn’t do awkward pauses and careful distances. The easy warmth between us had been replaced by something heavier, more charged.
He finally stepped inside, his presence filling the space the way it always did.
“I’m glad you let me come over.” His voice was low, intimate in a way that made my skin tingle.
But there was something about the look in his eyes that made my chest ache. “Me too.”
Without another word, he reached for me, his hands gentle as they wrapped around my upper arms. I stiffened for a second, caught off guard, but then melted against him, unable to resist the magnetic pull between us. His arms closed around me, and I let out a shaky breath, letting his familiar warmth seep into my bones.
Finally, I pulled back. “Would you like some coffee?”
“That’d be great.”
I led the way to the kitchen, feeling his presence just a step behind me. As I opened the cupboard to pull out two mugs, I could feel his eyes on me, making the back of my neck prickle. Not in a bad way. It was just... awareness. There was something unspoken in the air, something that neither of us was ready to touch yet.
The coffee machine hummed to life, filling the silence between us. I set the mugs up and pressed the button. When I turned around, Harle was leaning against the doorframe, tension visible in every line of his body. He was holding an envelope, turning it over and over in his hands.
“Cassidy.” His voice was rough. “I need to say something, and I need you to just listen. Okay?”
My stomach dropped. “Harle?—”
“Please.” He pushed off from the doorframe, closing the distance between us. “I know what happened with Brian. I know how badly he hurt you, how he made you doubt everything.” His jaw tightened. “And I never want you to feel that kind of pain again.”
I gripped the counter behind me, needing the support. “What are you saying?”
He held out the envelope.
I took it from him. “What is this?”
“This is money. Enough to hire the best private investigator in the state.” His eyes were intense and vulnerable all at once. “I want you to look into me. My past, my present, everything. Because I need you to know that I’m not him. That I will never be him.”
My hand trembled as I set the envelope on the counter, my throat tightening. “Harle, it’s not you I don’t trust. It’s me.” I dragged in a shaky breath, trying to keep my voice steady. “I’m the one who made the mistake before. I’m the one who let someone like Brian into my life. Who let him break me down to the point that I...” My voice cracked, and I had to look away. “I don’t trust myself to make the right decision again. That’s what I’m scared of.”
The silence that followed was heavy, the kind that stretched on forever, making the air feel too thick. When Harle finally spoke, his voice was so quiet I almost missed it. “Cassidy...”
I looked up, my vision a little blurry, and what I saw in his eyes made my heart twist painfully. Love. Pure, unguarded love. The kind of love I’d dreamed about before Brian had twisted those dreams into nightmares. It scared me to fucking death.
He reached for me again, his hand brushing my cheek, his thumb wiping away a tear I hadn’t even realized had fallen. I wanted to lean into his touch, to let myself believe in this moment, in him, in us. But the voice in my head whispered warnings I couldn’t ignore.
“I love you.” His voice broke on the words raw and honest in a way that made my chest ache. “I want to be with you, for the rest of my life.”
The world tilted sideways. My lungs forgot how to work, panic clawing its way up my throat. I stumbled back, needing distance, needing air, needing to think past the roaring in my ears.
“No, Harle. No.” I shook my head, my voice coming out strangled and desperate. “You don’t understand... I can’t do this. I can’t give you what you want. I can’t be who you deserve.”
His eyes clouded with confusion and hurt, his hands dropping to his sides. The loss of his touch felt like a physical ache. “Cassidy, I’m not asking for anything you’re not ready for. I just?—”
“That’s just it,” I interrupted, my voice breaking. The words tumbled out, brutal in their honesty. “You deserve someone who can meet you where you’re at, who isn’t terrified of falling apart all over again. I’m never going to be that person, Harle. I’m too broken.”
He opened his mouth, but I held up a hand, stopping him. “I can’t risk it. Not again. I wish I could, honestly. But I’m just not strong enough. You need to understand that.”
Harle’s face twisted, like he was trying to find the right words, but instead, his shoulders dropped. He looked utterly defeated as he stepped forward and cupped my face in his hands. Searching. I held his gaze, knowing he wouldn’t find what he was looking for. I wasn’t capable of it.
I saw the moment he gave up, the resignation that flickered in his eyes. Acceptance had never had such sharp fangs. He pressed his lips to my forehead, his breath shaky. Then, “I wish I’d met you first.” His voice was heavy with pain, tearing at my heart.
Tears welled in my eyes, spilling over as I whispered back, “Me too.”
He pulled away slowly, his eyes lingering on mine before he turned and walked out of the kitchen. The sound of the front door closing behind him was softer than a whisper, but it echoed through my chest like a gunshot.
I had no idea how much time had passed. Maybe an hour, maybe a day. But the coffee had gone cold and I was still sitting on the kitchen floor, back pressed against the cabinets, myface buried in my hands. The hollow silence of the empty house echoed around me, amplifying every doubt and fear that was taking root in my mind. It was all just too fucking much.Suddenly, I heard the front door open, followed by Hannah’s voice calling my name. “Cassidy?”
Her voice drew closer, then a second one. “Cassidy, are you here?” That was Mia.
“Check your phone again, see if she replied to your text.”
A beat of silence. “Nope. Nothing.”
I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I stayed there, curled into myself, feeling like a dried out husk. Stupid to feel this way over something I chose myself.
Footsteps approached, and then they found me.
“Fuck, Cassidy! What’s happened?” The urgency in Hannah’s voice had me forcing myself to my feet.I wiped my face hastily, trying to regain some semblance of control.
“I’m fine.” My voice was almost steady, but I couldn’t meet her eyes. “You want a coffee?”
Hannah’s brow furrowed, glancing over at the two mugs still sitting on the coffee machine. “Who else came by?”
“Oh, Harle was here.”
Hannah’s gaze sharpened, her eyes narrowing as they moved to the counter. She caught sight of the envelope and, without a word, picked it up, peeking inside. Her eyes widened. “What the fuck is this?”
I let out a long breath, my shoulders sagging as I leaned back against the counter. I knew my sister, knew she wasn’t going to let me get away without answering her. “It’s money from Harle.”
Hannah’s voice was laced with confusion. “What for?”
“He wanted me to hire a private investigator.” My tone was almost flat, as if it took all my energy just to say the words.
Mia’s eyes went wide. “Wait, what? Why would he want you to do that?”
Jesus Christ, I wished they’d just leave. Rubbing at my temples, I said, “He wanted me to be able to look into his past. To be sure of who he is. No surprises, you know? He said he wanted me to trust him completely.”
“Trust him?” Hannah echoed, a note of disbelief in her voice. “That sounds intense.”
“It wasn’t like that,” I murmured, shaking my head. “It was just that he wanted to make sure I knew everything. So I wouldn’t be afraid.”
“Why would you need to know that?”
“Because he thinks he loves me. This was his way of letting me know I can trust him. That he’s exactly who he says he is.”
“Oh, well, that sounds amazing, actually.”
Hannah was having none of Mia’s gushing. From her, I got a searching stare. “Does he know everything that happened with Brian? Like, everything?”
I nodded, rubbing at my arms. Was it suddenly cold in here? All Hannah knew was that Brian cheated. She had no clue to how deep his betrayal had been. Or how thick the scars were that he left behind.She’d clearly caught the significance of the fact that I’d told Harle more than I’d told my own sister.
“So what are you going to do now?”
“Nothing. I’ve told him where we stand and he’s accepted it.” And okay, he’d looked like I’d torn his heart out and stomped on it, but still. It was done. “I’ll just mail the money back to him.” Because fuck knows, I definitely couldn’t face him again.
Hannah pressed her lips together, eyes narrowing again as she studied me. There was a beat of silence where I was sure she was going to argue some more. But then something shifted in her expression, so subtle I almost missed it. She nodded slowly. “Well, sounds like you’ve got it all handled. How about I make us coffee then? You got anything to eat?”
The sudden change of subject had me suspicious, but I was too emotionally drained to probe. “Sure, I can rustle up some cheese toasties, if you like.”
“Great.” Hannah’s tone was just a fraction too bright, but I chose to ignore it. Sometimes letting things go was easier than fighting. And god knows, there was no fight left in me.