13. Piper
13
PIPER
“Penny. I cannot believe you were serious.”
She outright laughs at me.
“Pen, oh no, what am I going to do?”
She shrugs.
“Hi. I’m Alex.” The tall stranger holds out his hand for me to shake. "You're Piper, right?"
Crap. Across the room my Mom smiles widely and gives me the largest thumbs-up possible. Now I know exactly why she wanted me to ‘look my best’.
"I think I need another cup of decaf." Penny grins, shoving herself to her feet.
"Penny!" I protest through gritted teeth, Alex is already slipping into her vacant seat. "Hi." I briefly consider leaving, but that would be rude to Alex, annoy my mother, and worst of all, upset the orange tabby who’s settled in my lap.
"Your Mom says you’re a programmer?" Alex asks. Mom does know how to pick them. He's undeniably handsome, in a slightly odd way, with a nose that is slightly too large for his face, striking light brown eyes, but no fur at all around his neck. Nothing I could really sink my fingers into. And he obviously can't fly.
"Yeah, I run a small company that focuses on technological accessibility. We’re non-profit so there’s not a lot of money, but we’ve gotten a lot of really good press lately. Do you work in tech?" I ask, trying to ignore the strange physical standards I seem to be comparing a potential date too.
He shrugs. “No.”
“Do you game?” I ask, awkwardly trying to find some common ground. The topic of video games tend to get people talking, then I can relax and pretend to listen. “We’ve consulted with some really cool big developers!”
"Not really." He leans against the wall and then there are no more words in his part of the conversation.
“No board games, or video games, or tabletop? Maybe roleplaying?”
He shakes his head.
“I actually watched a really interesting documentary about Scream Queens and women in horror recently.”
A blank stare in return.
“Seen any good TV recently? Or movies?” This is like pulling teeth.
“I don’t have time to watch much.”
I wait a moment longer. He doesn’t provide any other information. Across the room Mom is boring holes in my head with her stare. I’m not out of the water yet.
“What kinds of hobbies do you have, Alex?” I make another attempt to pull more than one sentence from the man.
"I love working out. Obviously,” he says with a straight face.
“Obviously,” I repeat with a full-throated laugh, thinking he’s making a joke. I wait for him to continue. He is silent in response. I close my mouth. “Anything else?”
“I'm a personal trainer.” He flexes his arms, I don’t think he can help himself.
I snicker. He does not. I re-sober my expression. I’m trying very hard to maintain a polite demeanor, but quickly loosing my motivation. “Sorry.” I try to cover for my faux-pas.
“It’s a good job.” His brows furrow.
“Oh, yeah! Of course, it is!” My nervous laugh bubbles up a third time. “I mean, obviously you are doing great! Just look at you!”
He leans back with a small frown. “We can’t all be computer geniuses.”
Another brief chuckle escapes my lips.
“Is that funny?” He raises an eyebrow.
“Sorry.”
His face doesn’t change with my apology.
“It’s just that, please believe me, I’m not a computer genius.”
“That’s not how your mother tells it,” he crosses his arms. “She said you were top of your class in college.”
“Really? I never would’ve expected that!” I joke with another little laugh, because of just how expected that is. Mom loves bragging about her kids accomplishments. Alex twists his head slightly to the side, like he is examining a particularly difficult to decipher work of art. So I continue the joke to make it more obvious. “Because that’s so totally unlike her!”
“You laugh a lot, huh?” he finally asks.
“Oh. Sorry,” I apologize again, a little taken aback. I feel my grin become awkward. I don’t think I’ve had a really awkward smile all weekend. “It’s just a bit of a nervous tick.”
He’s still looking at me like my face is a cubist portrait. “You’re nervous?”
“Well yeah, you know?” I manage to squash the awkward feeling into a less invasive chuckle this time. “Just like, a little bit, all of the time.”
“Hmph.” He shrugs. “So you are always like this?”
Every part of me deflates, my energy completely gone. I can hear in his voice that he’s trying to be polite, or that he thinks he’s being polite. It’s absolutely brutal. After two full days feeling like I was allowed to be myself, with a person who immediately understood me.
I might hate Alex. I definitely resent him.
I feel like leaving, but I just don't have the heart to upset the cat in my lap.
“It can be a lot louder.” I roll my shoulders back. “That’s all I really am. Just big tits, and a loud laugh.”
“Oh, I’m sure there’s more than that. Once people get to know you.” He sounds strangely earnest.
I chuckle. “Not really. And I only plan on getting fatter and happier from here on out.”
“Hmph.” It’s the only noise that he makes for a long moment.
"What would you do?" I barely care anymore. "If I laughed when you took your pants off?”
"Laughed?" he asks slowly.
“You know. When I got a good look at your dick.” I keep my voice light and peppy. “If I just laughed real loud? Because that’s what you have to look forward to.”
“Is that some kind of joke?” he asks.
I shrug, but don’t even stop myself from making a loud embarrassing bark of a laugh. One that takes two full lungs of air.
The man cringes.
I shake my head. “I don’t think we’d be a good fit, Alex. Maybe not even physically.” I chuckle again, just for myself. I let it be the annoying kind because it doesn’t matter anymore. How could this guy stand up to Mothman dick? After the weekend I had, I might be ruined for regular human penis. I’m certainly ruined for men who don’t let me have fun in the bedroom.
“Oh, too bad Alex, that you have to leave so soon!” I say loud enough for my mother to hear from across the room. My family members turn to look at me. Mom’s mouth is a thin line of irritation.
Alex looks confused, so I lean in close to whisper conspiratorially, “It isn’t going to work, between us. We both know it. Just take the easy out, it’s all good. You won’t offend me.”
Alex agrees with my statement easily although he is still looking at me like I am abstract sculpture called ‘ Untitled ’.
“It was really nice to meet you, Piper. I think at least.” He cracks his first smile since he sat down, it’s so handsome that it almost makes me regret suggesting he leave. Almost.
“Back, atcha, my guy.” I shoot a finger gun at him, and watch the rest of his ego dissipate like he’s been struck by a sniper rifle of awkwardness.
He says a polite goodbye to my Mom on his way out the door. Her face is bright red when he’s gone, and she doesn't speak to me for the next forty-five minutes.
"So, Mom is really pissed.” Penny gives a little laugh as she sidles up next to me.
"Yeah. I may have gone a little overboard,” I admit. "I'll give her a couple days to cool down and then apologize."
"It was impressive how fast he got out of here. What did you say to the guy?"
"Ugh, told him I would laugh at his dick." I sigh, putting my head back against the wall.
“Really?” Penny asks appalled.
“Yes?” I say with a little question in my voice.
“Piper! You can’t do that!”
“What? Laugh at his dick? Or tell him I’m going to laugh at his dick.” I giggle.
“Both! Neither!” Penny giggles too. “We’re leaving soon. Do you want a ride home?”
“Are you driving?” We both snicker.
“Michael won’t mind. Honestly,” she says. "And I don't think you want to ride with Mom."
“No, no. Thank you, I think I’m going to sit here for a little bit longer.”
Ant doesn’t know I’m here. He knows to look for me at home, if I just stay away from there a little longer, maybe I can decipher how I feel about the situation.
“Just let me know if you need anything.” Penny waves as she leaves and the rest of my family follow suit shortly afterward.
I scratch behind the ears of my soft orange friend. He’s still keeping me company, occasionally raising an ear when I laugh. I’ve got a nice soft pillow, a cozy footstool, and a 98% on my phone battery. I'm not sure I'm ready to go home to my empty apartment and be completely alone, just waiting for a Mothman to possibly show up.
I double check my phone. There’s nothing there. No texts from my friends, and also no apology message from a certain Mothman. Not that I want to hear from him.
Crap. What am I doing? Maybe I would be better off with a personal trainer who thinks my laugh is too loud.