Chapter 37 - Rae
RAE
Hugging my pillow to my chest, I let another tear slip down my cheek.
Now that Nora was gone, I was free to cry and break without shame.
Not that I was embarrassed to cry in front of her, but I could tell that she wanted to cheer me up and felt defeated every time I slipped back into misery.
That was one of the reasons I chose to continue my “vacation.” The other was I just simply wasn’t ready to see Davis around town again.
Colorado seemed like a good spot. I could see the Rockies, and learn how to hike. It was something I had wanted to do ever since that serene moment on Mount Macon, when I veered off on the side of the road.
While the mountains around me did seem to hold some magical healing properties, nothing I saw compared to my mountain.
Two days into my trip, the realization made me cry.
I had assumed all mountains would make me feel whole, the way Mount Macon had.
I hated how wrong I was, and how desperate I was to go home.
Maybe it was time. I had originally planned on a week, but every single day just proved to be more and more painful of an experience than the first time I had left home.
Time was supposed to make this pain recede, make it more manageable.
That was how it worked the first time…but now, I had memories to war with.
There were pictures on my phone of Davis smiling, while kissing my stomach, a few of him laughing, while holding me.
I had images of him shirtless, while watching me from over the brim of his coffee mug.
Pictures of Dove and Duke, of the hens, and the goats.
I had an entire life on my phone, and I couldn’t seem to just put all of that in a box and watch it leave my life.
I wanted to cling to all of it with bloodied fingers.
But that was the old me. The one who thought she could force someone to love her.
Not anymore.
I had to grow up and start accepting that not everything would be that simple. Davis didn’t want me, and I had to let him go.
Three days later I received a text from Nora.
Nora: You coming back soon?
I had left the text all morning while hiking around a small summit with a group of tourists who wanted to safely explore the area. Once I was back in my tent, I tugged it free and bit my nail.
Me: Yeah, not sure when…everything okay?
Part of me being here only worked because I wasn’t staying in hotels.
I was camping, and I knew it wasn’t safe to do it alone, but I had joined this group that had elderly women and a few tourists visiting from Korea and Japan.
Everyone was so friendly and helpful that it quickly became like a little family.
Nora: Everything is fine…um…just, well, there’s a bit of a situation, but it’s fine.
Furrowing my brows, I typed back.
Me: What do you mean? Are my parents okay? Are yours? What’s going on?
Nora: Everything is fine, both our parents are fine. I’ll tell you when you get back, it’s okay. And I know you don’t have a lot of battery life.
She wasn’t wrong, our little group had a battery pack that we took turns sitting and charging at the truck stops that had showers and charging ports. Then we’d all share the pack when we needed a little juice for our phones.
Me: Are you sure?
Nora: Yeah, you blocked what’s his face, right? He hasn’t been calling or texting?
What’s his face being Davis.
Me: Yeah, I blocked him. I haven’t heard anything, are you sure everything is okay?
Nora: Yes, go hike, heal, and then come back when you’re ready.
I hesitated a second, but realized she was right. I needed to heal. I owed it to myself to stay.
Me: Okay, love you.
“You did amazing!” I congratulated Ellis, my seventy-two-year-old tent mate, tossing a handful of nuts into my mouth.
“I was sure I was about to slip.” She smiled, her face bright and flushed with exhilaration.
Speaking while chewing, I shook my head. “I knew you had it.”
We were still hiking around smaller summits, ignoring the looks of more experienced backpackers and native mountain climbers who were used to the altitude of Colorado and the cold.
It was freezing, and while our tour guide, Jonathan, promised it was still perfectly safe to camp in October, more and more of our group had begun to fizzle out.
Ellis and I had decided to share a smaller tent to help with the warmth.
Ellis was out here giving herself a second chance at life after she finally left a marriage she never wanted after nearly thirty-five years.
I felt a kinship with her for that. It was obviously different from my situation, but we were both single and finding ourselves now.
It was when I ducked back into the tent that I found a new text from Nora.
She’d been texting more and more often, but just little things here and there, nothing earth shattering.
I also had been calling my parents twice a week to check in, so I knew nothing too crazy was going on back home.
From the sound of it, the grump had gone back to avoiding the town, or at least that’s what I assumed since I hadn’t heard anything about him.
So, I pulled out a protein bar and read through her messages.
Nora: Okay…so, you’ve been in Colorado for two weeks. I miss you.
Nora: It’s not just that I miss you. There’s been some things happening here…I haven’t exactly been honest about it, because I wanted you to have your time…
Nora: You need to come home, I think it’s pretty serious.
What in the actual hell? I was about to pull up her contact to call her when my mother’s name flashed on my screen.
“Hello?”
“Rae, honey…” She sounded so gentle, the exact opposite of the panic in Nora’s messages.
“Hi Mom, everything okay?”
I chewed my bar, moving around a few of the items in my backpack, sorting out my dirty and clean clothes.
“Well…honey, things aren’t so great here. You need to come back.” My stomach clenched tight with nerves. First Nora, now my mom. What on earth was going on?
“Mom, what’s wrong? Nora mentioned something and—”
“It’s Davis, honey. He’s… you just need to come back.”
Worry wound around my heart like a rope, pulling tighter and tighter with each second that passed as I tried to find the right words to say, but the only thing coming to mind was panic.
“Is—” I couldn’t even ask, because what if he wasn’t safe? I closed my eyes, bringing a shaky hand to my head to push back my hair. “Is he okay?”
My mother paused, and the silence seemed to tear a new fissure in my heart. I was too far away. If something had happened to him, I would never forgive myself.
“His brother died, honey. He’s not handling it well—”
Oh my God. No. That couldn’t be right.
He was going to call; he was going to get closure.
“Rae?”
“I’m sorry, did you say his brother?”
“Yes, honey, his brother Timothy. He passed, and—" I tuned the rest out. I couldn’t listen to her tell me that Davis lost the only person who was tied to his redemption. The only person who could have made him whole.
“Sweetie?” I could hear my mom echo from the phone speaker, her voice cracking, and she must have heard me sobbing because I couldn’t control it anymore.
“I’m coming. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
I didn’t need to hear anymore. Hanging up, I started throwing my things inside my backpack, rolling up my sleeping bag and tucking away all my belongings.
Ellis found me trying to tie an extra pair of boots to the side of my bag with shaking fingers. She pulled me into a tight hug, whispering soothing things while rubbing my back. I sobbed, releasing all my fears to her in a muttered rush. I was too far away, and I needed to get back to him.
Assuming he even wanted me. I pushed that thought away because it didn’t matter. I loved him, and he needed me. Even if he wasn’t going to love me back, I would be there to support him.
That’s what love did. It made us loyal idiots, ready to jump off a cliff for the people we cared about. I was about ready to board the most expensive flight I could find, just to get back to him, when Ellis turned to me, pocketing her phone.
“I found you a flight. It leaves tonight from Denver. It will get you to Portland; that’s as close as I can get you.”
I nodded, tears falling from my lashes as I processed how Davis must be feeling. I hated that I didn’t know when his brother had passed, and I hated even more that I had blocked him, and now if I opened the door for communication, he’d reject me.
It had to be in person.
“I’ll have someone pick me up and take me the rest of the way. Thank you so much, for everything.” I hugged her close and got inside the Uber I’d called then prayed my flight wouldn’t be delayed.