Chapter 8
Conner
Apologies are best made when you’re showered, shaved, and looking semi-less lunaticky than normal.
As soon as I get home, I take an everything shower—scrubbing layers of shame and skin off.
Then I floss, brush, mouth wash, and repeat to make sure my mouth is extra clean for all the profuse I’m sorries I plan to say.
After I shave the whiskers from my face, I regret it because now all the bruising is on full display.
While combing my hair back, I wonder if I should hit the barber shop.
Nah. That’s overkill. I’m going to apologize to Austin, not take him out on a date.
Wait. Do you think bringing him lunch would help me?
I think this is my rock bottom, guys. I’ve lost myself and I have no idea how to get my sanity back.
Russel was right to send me home from work and keep me away. I’m so strung out I’d probably mow a pond.
Man, when did I get this low? I’ve always considered myself a happy-go-lucky guy.
I just go with the flow, keep myself busy, and enjoy the simple life.
But if I’m honest, the simple life is more like a miserable one.
Nothing’s very enjoyable anymore. Not the way it should be. Not the way it is for others.
I’ve put Taylor in the center of my world for so long, I don’t know how to be any other way. Not even her boyfriends could ever come between us.
To find out Austin and Taylor broke up, and she didn’t even tell me, shakes my very foundation.
I thought she always told me everything.
I know her secrets, her dreams, her preferred loose teas and what kinds of tampons she uses.
We don’t hide things from each other. I’m the guy she calls when she needs help.
I’m the one she runs to when she wants advice. I’m the one…
Who beat the shit out of her ex-boyfriend while I was drunk out of my mind.
When she finds out what I did last night, she’ll likely never forgive me. She’ll call me an animal. An asshole. And I am. Fucking hell, I totally am.
Freezing in front of the mirror, I take a good look at myself…
“You’re a mess, Con.”
“You should see the other guy.” I wince when Taylor wipes something onto my chin that stings like a bitch.
“Conner, sweetheart. What did you do?”
I toss Taylor’s mom, Corrine, puppy dog eyes. “Nothing. Honest.”
She gives me the best you’re not fooling me but I love you anyway smile and places a bag of frozen peas on my lap. “Put that on your noggin.”
Taylor’s eyes are the color of slate pavers today.
Sometimes they have a little blue in them, but when she’s wearing all white, like today, they’re stone grey and I prefer them this color.
They remind me of thunderheads that roll through the mountain holler in spring.
“He’s just a nobody, Con. You didn’t have to fight him. ”
“He didn’t have to disrespect you either. Guess everyone’s making wild decisions today.”
Her smile is tight, and her lips have pink gloss on them and I really, really, really want to know if they taste like strawberries.
“What the hell happened?” Russ barks from the doorway of their kitchen.
“Take a guess,” Corrine sighs as she places a box of band aids and a tube of antibacterial ointment on the table.
“I feel so special getting this much attention,” I joke. “Ouch. Damn, girl.”
Taylor frowns, not even a little sorry that she just pressed too hard on my black eye.
“Who threw the first punch?”
“Me, sir.”
That makes Russel look frustrated. “Why?”
“He said some things he shouldn’t have. Figured he needed a lesson in manners.”
“Hmph.”
“You know you can always just ignore the idiots, right?” Taylor opens the first band aid and covers the cut on my arm. Wayne seriously needs to cut his nails. Fucker had some eagle talons and wasn’t afraid to use them. Or his teeth.
Who fights like that? I probably need rabies shots now.
“It’s not in me to ignore someone disrespecting you.” I stare at her and for a moment, I think time stops. My gaze travels to her cute little pointy nose with freckles scattered over the bridge and then my eyes land on her mouth again. She’s biting her lip.
I’d like to bite her lip.
Shit. I’m getting a boner.
Oh no. No, no, no! I’m getting a—
“Seems reasonable to me,” Russel says before leaving the kitchen.
“You’re very unhelpful!” Corrine calls back at him. She sits down next to me and grabs my hand while Taylor slaps ointment on my busted lip next.
“This really isn’t necessary. I’m fine.”
“You look like a bear got you.” Corrine taps my arm. “Put those peas on your head.”
No way. They’re covering my dick and will hopefully kill my hard-on. “I’m good. I swear.”
Taylor’s busy with another band aid.
Corrine slides her the ointment. “Honey, you can’t just beat up everyone in town for looking at Taylor the wrong way. You’re going to end up getting arrested one day.”
“Looking at her is one thing. But if you grab her and say nasty shit to her face? Naw…” I stare straight at Corrine. “I can’t let it slide. It’s not in me.”
I have no idea how to read the expression on her face when she looks over at Taylor. Then she gets up and starts making dinner. Maybe she’s mad that I cussed. Maybe she didn’t realize what a twatbag Wayne is. Who knows.
“Your knuckles are a mess.” Taylor’s agitated. I don’t care. Wayne Silver had this beat down coming. He’d been warned repeatedly. And when I saw him grab her arm and talk nasty to her against the lockers today, I lost my shit.
Nick held me back.
Dean told me to wait until after school.
Bennett made sure I got five solid minutes with that asshole off school property.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
“Put this salve on after every time you wash your hands and also before bed, okay?” She slides a tiny tin over to me.
“Okay.”
It smells awful. Feels greasy. I don’t like it.
But Taylor keeps giving me mixed signals with her eyes and I think it’s pity and frustration but I’m also delusional enough to add admiration to it too, so I’ll take this stinky greasy stuff and slather it anywhere she tells me because it’ll make her happy.
I love making her happy.
“You staying for dinner, Con?” Corrine asks as she cuts up some broccoli.
“No, ma’am. I gotta go to Nick’s to study for a biology test we got tomorrow.”
“You’re always so busy,” she chuckles. But she doesn’t say it like it’s a bad thing. She says it like it’s good.
“I can’t ever stay still,” I admit while shrugging. “It isn’t in me.”
Taylor snorts and rolls her eyes. Grabbing the first aid kit off the table, she gets up and I’m finally able to remove the bag of peas from my lap.
“Put that on your head,” Corrine orders while jabbing a knife in the air at me. “Now.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
I turn to ask Taylor if she wants to meet me and Nick after dinner, but she’s already halfway up the steps and then I hear her bedroom door slam shut.
See? I’m glad I beat Wayne Silver up. He hurt her feelings more than she let on. I’m never going to let shit like that slide.
It just isn’t in me…
Once again, my mind races in circles around the past. I’ve been in love with my best friend since before I understood what love was.
By senior year of high school, I was obsessed.
Over-protective. Over-bearing. We’ve always been inseparable and the night she tried to kiss me scared the piss out of me.
I took it personally because she means more to me than I’ll ever mean to her.
I’m just her friend. Her bro. But that kiss wasn’t as big of a deal as I’ve always made it out to be. It was just a trend.
If I’d kissed her back, nothing would have changed because she’s only ever seen me as one of the guys she’s grown up with.
We’ve all been disgusting around each other.
Had the flu together. Got wasted and yacked in the bushes together.
Partied too hard, laughed too loud, cried too long together. We’ve suffered and thrived and chilled.
We’re a unit.
If I tried to make us more, make us different, it would destroy everything we’ve built.
I wasn’t willing to risk it then.
I don’t think I can risk it now either.
But fuck me sideways, her face that night when I pushed her away?
I think I hurt her feelings. That’s what really burns my ass hairs.
The look on her face that night has haunted me ever since.
For just a fraction of a hair of a millisecond, I saw hurt in her eyes, and I wanted to beat the shit out of myself for it.
I think I’ve been doing just that ever since.
Dramatic, right? Yeah. I know. Because let’s be so for real, if I’d kissed Taylor back, she would have laughed in my face afterwards because it wasn’t supposed to mean anything. I’d have gotten on my knees for her right then and there and she would have thought I was crazy.
I always make a big deal out of everything, don’t I?
I hold on to shit that doesn’t matter. I couldn’t laugh off that trend debacle any more than I could ever shake the fact that I’m not good enough to be somebody worth loving.
It’s why I push myself to the brink just to prove my worth all the time.
One insult from my father and I’ve been working myself into the ground to prove him wrong ever since.
“Why can’t you just ignore the idiots?” Taylor used to ask.
I don’t know why, but I can’t.
So stupid and pathetic. It’s no wonder I can’t keep a solid, healthy romantic relationship to save my life.
I’m not worth the effort to be with. I can’t love anyone but Taylor, so I don’t even try.
I just hold on to my former hopes and dreams just like I do my grudges.
And my pain. And the hope of building some great life for myself in the town I love, surrounded by the people I care about.
But it’s not possible. It was all just bullshit.
Whimsical, dumbass bullshit. Wow. I’ve watched way too many Hallmark movies over the years.
Everything I’ve done has been for nothing.
My dad’s voice rushes into my head again. “You’re a waste of space.”
At least I’m self-aware. I know I’m unlovable. Intolerable. And filled with so much self-loathing I’ve become in-fucking-sufferable. Last night was a wake-up call. I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep...
“I’m done.”
The moment I say the words, something in me shuts off.
Leaving the bathroom, I pack a bag, grab some supplies, and load up a cooler. Then I set out to do what I should have done a long time ago.
I disappear.