Chapter 15
Taylor
I had to get out of there before I lost my chill. I’ve had two yoga classes so far today but after Conner basically ate my soul out of my pussy, I’m fresh out of namaste. There are way too many feelings ricocheting inside my bones right now, which have me vibrating like a tuning fork.
Excitement. Confusion. Fear. Happiness. Resentment.
To find out Conner has had a thing for me for so long and never acted on it pisses me off. And yes, I’m very aware that I’m a hypocrite. But I think he liked me first so shouldn’t he have made the first move?
Why the fuck did he push me away in that kissing trend?
We’ve wasted so much time. I’ve cried buckets of tears over him.
Dated all kinds of guys to try to get Conner out of my system.
Hell, I even contemplated a cord cutting ritual to sever this unseen, unspoken thread that always seemed to bind me to the one guy I couldn’t have.
Can you imagine the damage that could have been done if I’d gone through with that? I might have ruined everything!
Thank goodness I didn’t sprinkle the herbs, tie a string around two candles, light them both on fire and say my intentions, or do any other kinds of witchy shit that would have altered us forever. Talk about a close call.
And before you eyeroll me, I do believe that those things work. It’s why I don’t like messing with them. I’m not about to tempt fate or karma, so I don’t perform any of the spells I’ve read about. As helpful as they might be, I’m not one to fuck around and find out.
Which means I also didn’t conjure a love spell for him either.
Geez, that temptation called my name more times than I can count, but I was always too scared—and bitter—to do it.
If Conner was going to fall in love with me, it would have to be all natural and all him.
Otherwise, I wouldn’t have trusted his actions because in the back of my mind, I’d always wonder if it was his true feelings, or something I did out of desperation.
Practical Magic has taught me all my life lessons.
Leaving my house, and Conner, feels like I’ve torn my heart in half. Did I just hit it and split it? He only came once, and he had me blowing apart like a million times. Does he feel used? Regretful? Hurt?
Crap. I don’t know how to do this.
Just as I’m doubling back to head inside my house, Conner comes out of the front door. He shuts it softly and turns, surprise and confusion lighting his face. “Did you forget something?”
“Yeah.” I grab him by the t-shirt and smash my mouth to his.
His arms wrap around me like an anaconda, holding me tight, and he moans.
When we finally break apart, I think I’m floating.
“Damn, girl. Forget things more often.”
Conner never fails to make me laugh. Or feel good about myself. Or feel safe or understood or protected or taken care of.
“I don’t want to adult today,” I confess. “I want to go back into our bubble and make up for lost time.”
“We’re not in a rush, Taylor. There’s no time limit for us.”
It doesn’t feel that way. I’ve got this nagging feeling that something’s going to blow up and I’m scared that something is us. When I tell him that, he cups my face and kisses the tip of my nose and then my forehead.
“I swear we’re going to be fine.” He presses his forehead to mine. “We didn’t get here to stop now. It isn’t in me.”
Speaking of stopping… “Are you really quitting your job?”
His demeanor shifts again. “I don’t know. It’s something I’m still trying to figure out.”
My protective instincts go haywire. He’s my dad’s best worker, and most trusted employee.
If Conner really leaves, my dad won’t be able to keep his business going the same way and he’ll work himself into an early grave instead of early retirement.
But I also understand that it’s not Conner’s responsibility to make my dad’s company a success.
“Whatever you decide, I’ve got your back. ”
I’ll stand by him no matter what. If that means walking away from Larson Landscaping, so be it.
“Is there something else you want to do for work?”
Maybe he’s got some hidden dreams I never knew about. I mean, he wanted to be a paleontologist once. Is it too late to start that?
“I love what I do,” he says. “I’m just… feeling stuck and confused, I guess. But I love working in the dirt. I love being at a different job every day. I love your dad.”
So maybe my father’s right and Conner just needs a time out to reset. “Well, no rush. I’ve got things covered in the office until you want to return.”
“The office isn’t the issue. The field work is where…” Conner’s expression turns panicked. “Don’t tell me your dad is working my shifts while I’m gone.”
Shaking my head, I shrug and smile.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” His eyes darken. “Jesus, Taylor, tell me Russ isn’t working overtime, covering my ass for me, while I’m going down on his daughter.”
Eww. When he says it like that it sounds terrible. “I don’t think so. He’s got the new guy on your jobs, and I’ve asked for extensions on the larger projects so they’re on hold at the moment.”
Shit. I shouldn’t have brought this up. I don’t even know why I did it.
“Don’t worry.” I pat his arm. “We’ve got it covered, bro.”
Conner closes his eyes and a hiss slithers out of him. “Please. Do not. Call me bro.”
Okay. My bad. “Go to the campsite. I’ll be there around eight with pizza.”
He’s not budging.
“Con. Go.”
“I should probably get back to work. This is selfish of me.”
“No.” I grab his arm and sink my fingers into him. “Do not go back to work. You’re not being selfish by taking time for yourself, Conner. You’re like the least selfish person on the planet. All you do is bust your ass for everyone else. Take a minute for you.”
“I took a week.”
“Take two weeks.” Nailing him with babydoll eyes, I know I’ve got him. “Please. For us?”
He swallows hard. “It doesn’t feel right.”
“You’re not taking advantage of dad’s offer. He wants you gone for a month, did you know that?”
Conner shakes his head.
“He told me to plan on a month of you not being there and to rearrange things accordingly, which I have.”
“Shit,” he whispers.
“So take another week. If you want to return after that, fine. But if you don’t, that’s fine too. It’s okay if you never go back there, Conner.”
He looks like he wants to throw up. “I… fucking hell. I just…”
“It’s okay.” I wrap my arms around his middle and hug him tight. “Just be with me for a week.”
“I want more than a week.”
“A month.”
“I want more than a month, Taylor.” He pulls me off him and holds my arms at my side. “I want a life with you.”
“You have that!” I say happily.
He shakes his head. “I need to be worthy of it first. Don’t you get it?”
No. I don’t.
“Look at me.” He flexes his hands, showing scabbed, cut knuckles. Then the fading bruises on his face. “I’m a mess, Taylor. My head is all fucked up and right now I don’t trust myself with anything. Anyone. I can’t screw us up and I will because I’m useless.”
“Hey. Whoa.” That’s his old demons talking. Not the man I know. “Conner, why would you still think that of yourself?”
He shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath in and exhales it slowly. “I’m sorry.”
“There’s no reason to apologize.”
“I have to go.”
He leaves in a rush, and I’m left standing with my heart on the grass and my gut twisting with worry.