Chapter 16
Conner
I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted and I’m about to shit all over it. If I don’t do right by Taylor, she’ll see what a worthless waste of space I am, and she’ll cut me out of her life for good.
“Stop.” Gripping my steering wheel, my knuckles sting from the scabs tearing apart. “You aren’t that kid anymore.”
The reminder doesn’t help.
My childhood was spent being told I wouldn’t amount to anything when I grew up. One mistake, any mistake, and my father would use it to point out that, See? He’s right. I’m worthless. Stupid. Not worth the time and effort. A loser forever.
After several years of therapy, I learned to accept that the hate he spewed was him projecting on me. He was telling me what he thought of himself.
But words stick to a kid and his are branded in my brain. Whenever I feel close to getting something I’ve always wanted, those demons come out to play, and I devolve into the echoes of my father’s anger and disappointment.
The truth is, I know I’m worth something.
I feel it. See it. I’m a great employee and have even greater ideas.
I just haven’t acted on them yet because we can barely handle the workload we have now with so few staff and there’s also a part of me that’s scared Russ will laugh in my face when I tell him my goals, or worse, hate me for it.
Russel is the father I always wished for. If I disappoint him, I’ll never recover.
Oh god. When he finds out I’m with his daughter will he hate me? Fire me? Kick me out of his life too?
I haven’t just crossed a line with Taylor; I’ve done it with him as well.
And even though Russ says I’m his favorite employee, that doesn’t mean he’ll be okay with me dating his daughter.
My actions with Austin take on a whole new level of fucked too because Russel will think I’m a violent hair-trigger.
If so, he’ll never allow me and Taylor to be together because of it.
I can’t bear the thought of him casting me out. It would confirm my deepest fears that I’m not good enough for the woman I love.
“Stop it.”
Turning up the radio to drown out my thoughts, I wind the windows down and head back to the campsite. A week here wasn’t long enough. I need a year.
Whenever I was under too much stress as a kid, I’d come out here and pitch a tent and be on my own or with the guys. Dean’s grandpa would act as our “parental figure” but wouldn’t stay with us. Other times I’d forge a consent form from my parents just in case a game warden caught me.
Kids, do not do that. It was stupid of me.
I lucked out by not getting hurt or killed or lost or arrested for my dipshit behavior back then. And just because the universe likes to remind me that yeah, I’ve made some reckless choices in my day, I walk straight into a new one when I approach my campsite.
“Damn.”
My hammock is torn up, and no longer tied to the trees.
My cooler is tipped over, but it’s bear proof.
My tent looks untouched. Phew. Small bear tracks are all over the campsite.
Not surprising. This is Bear Creek, after all.
But I need to be way more careful because they’re fresh out of hibernation.
Even if my campsite is pretty “bear proof” that doesn’t mean they still won’t get curious and fuck around.
The first instinct to pop into my head is to text Taylor and tell her not to come.
It isn’t safe. But that’s foolish. She’s out here foraging for stuff all the time and knows how to tread carefully in these woods.
My second instinct is to call Nick and Bennet to make sure they’re okay.
I have no clue how recent this bear exploration is.
A quick text to both of them has me relieved when their responses are that they’re fine and had no troubles.
My third instinct is to clean up and pack.
Just be done with it and go home. Give the wildlife their nature back.
Fuck that though. I need to do this as much as I need Taylor. The silence. The seclusion. The time away from everything. So I clean it all up and head out for some more supplies and come back and wait until it’s close to Taylor time then I text her.
Me: Let me know when you get here. I don’t want you walking in the woods by yourself.
It’s only a few minutes before she replies.
Taylor: Okay.
Wow. She didn’t argue with me. That’s a first.
A little bubble of pride pops up in my chest again because she lets me protect her. It meant the world to me earlier when she said she feels safe around me.
As she fucking should.
Me: You don’t have to come out here. I can come to you.
Taylor: Nope. It’s a good night for a swim.
She even adds a winky face.
Taylor: Full moon tonight too!
She shoots me a selfie of her in one of my favorite white dresses. No bra, of course. And she’s holding a fresh jar of pickles.
God love her.
Me: Brought my own pickle.
The selfie of me smirking and shirtless isn’t the best angle, but it’ll work.
She sends me back a skull emoji.
Okay, now I’m excited that I didn’t pack up and leave and she’ll be here soon so I’ve gotta bust ass to set things up before she arrives.
Those bears better not come back.