21. Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Eighteen
Rose
“ T his feels so fucking wrong,” I said once Barry left.
“You did the right thing,” Juno replied. “You don’t want to put everything you’ve worked for in jeopardy.”
My hands went to my hairline, yanking off the heavy wig and wig cap, letting my red hair tumble down. The plan was to move to an Airbnb in Rose’s name. We’d gone back-and-forth on where I should hide out, but Mom wouldn’t want to see me—even as Rose—with all the heat on Lila’s name, and I wanted to see Barry again.
It was risky to stay in Nashville, but Lila would disappear for now. We were working on borrowed time as it was, so I packed up even though my heart ached.
Weren’t decisions like this supposed to feel right ?
When we got settled in our new place, Juno was looking at me like I was a grenade with no pin and I grew tired of it.
This decision ate at me, filling me with buzzing energy with no outlet. I needed to leave, to do something close to fixing the mess I’d created.
“I’m going to Movers and Shakers,” I announced.
“Is that a good idea?” Her voice wavered, but I knew I would lose it if I stayed.
“I’ll be fine. I need to see how badly I’ve broken Barry’s heart. I won’t even talk to him.”
Probably.
“Rose,” Juno called. I only paused as I was halfway out the door.
“What?”
“Be careful,” she warned. “This is . . . dangerous.”
“Everything will be fine.” But I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince.
I walked out of the new place. I was in a completely different part of town, but I’d persuaded Juno to let me buy a car—a sensible Toyota—so I would have some freedom. When Juno didn’t follow me, I let out a breath of relief.
The line for Movers and Shakers was long, and as I approached the bouncer, I wondered if Rose would somehow be removed from entry. Lila would have deserved that after what happened today. I knew that Barry didn’t know everything was blending together.
“Congrats,” the man said. “You’re on the permanent entry list.”
“How do I get on that?” the woman behind me asked.
“You know the owner,” the bouncer replied. “Right?”
I nodded, a blush rising to my cheeks. Rose didn’t know the owner all that well, but I must have made some impression on him if he’d gone through the trouble of adding me.
When I entered, I let out a breath of air.
Barry was tending the bar next to the famous dancing bartender. I walked up, getting in line for myself. I didn’t even need to talk to him; I could see him and then leave.
As I got to the front, my favorite drink was set down in front of me.
My jaw dropped and when I looked up, Barry was focused on me. His lips pursed and I wondered again if somehow the anger he must have had for Lila carried over to Rose too. But then the dancing guy turned to him and said something in his ear, and he left the bar, coming toward me.
“Hi!” I said loudly.
“Is this going to be a regular thing?” he asked loudly back.
“You added me to the permanent entry list, so I guess so.”
“I keep taking up all your time talking about my life. It’s the least I can do. What are you here for?”
“I was in town for work. I figured I’d check on you.”
He blinked. “You have impeccable timing.”
Only because I did this to you.
“Wanna catch up?”
He thought about it for a moment before turning to the other bartender. The man gave him a thumbs-up and Barry gestured to the back.
We climbed the stairs to the rooftop and I couldn’t resist the smile that spread onto my face. This was where I wanted to be.
“How are you?”
“Not the greatest,” he admitted. “But on the bright side, I . . . I think my siblings and I might be getting along for once.”
“Really?” Relief hit me. At least he hadn’t been alone. “That’s good.”
“Yeah, and I’ll probably go see my dad soon.”
“Still want me to join?”
He looked at me, expression unreadable. “I could use the moral support. I’d ask my brother and sister to go, but I imagine it wouldn’t be fun with them since they’re still related to the asshole that raised us.”
We hadn’t talked about the real thing, the reason why I’d come here. Maybe I should have left it, but my mouth opened anyway.
“Did anything else happen?”
Barry huffed out a laugh. “Can you read my mind or something?”
Nope. I just know what I did.
I managed a noncommittal shrug, swallowing around the guilt in my throat.
“Have you ever fucked up something that could have been really good?” He asked it slowly and I looked at him, feeling more like Lila as I answered.
“Yes. Very recently, actually. All we can do is move forward and learn from our mistakes.”
He looked out at the city skyline and I wondered what he was thinking. My heart picked up speed as I waited. I didn’t have the words to describe what it felt like to wait.
Then he turned to me. “You’re right, and I shouldn’t waste the time you’re here by thinking of someone else.”
“You know, we only ever have these hard conversations.”
“We do, don’t we?” He shook his head. “You should go downstairs, then. Have some fun.”
“What if you went with me?”
The question hung in the air.
Please say yes. Choose Rose.
He slowly turned. “Why me?”
“I get the vibe that you have this bar and you’ve never enjoyed it yourself.”
“I enjoy it.”
“Really? What do you do here, then?”
“I mostly . . . work.” He cringed as he said it. “Man, I sound too much like Todd. Maybe I should enjoy it for once.”
“Come on.” I grabbed his hand. “Let’s change that.”
We went downstairs where the music was loud and infectious. Bathed in these lights, everything felt different.
“Listen to this music ,” I said, bobbing my head to the beat. “Doesn’t it make you want to dance?”
“You can. I’ll watch.”
“Where’s the fun in that? Isn’t the point that we’re supposed to do it together ?”
“I don’t dance.”
“Can you at least twirl me? No dancing required for that.”
Barry paused for a moment and I wondered if he would change his mind, but he held out a hand to me, spinning me around. I couldn’t help the giddy giggle that escaped me.
“That was surprisingly coordinated.”
“It’s fun! Do you want to try?”
“I don’t think the guy usually gets twirled.”
“Come on,” I said, rolling my eyes. “There are no rules.”
“Fine. Just once.”
I stood on my tiptoes to do the same to him. He spun faster than I did and landed facing me. “See? Fun.”
“It was,” he said. “And now I see why the dance nights are so popular. I’d never experienced it for myself.”
“One twirl isn’t enough to experience a dance night.” I shook my head. “Let’s do the real thing.”
I held out a hand, hoping he wouldn’t turn me down. And when he didn’t, the joy I felt could have lifted me right back onto the rooftop.
We went deeper into the crowd. My feet moved in accord, tapping to the beat I’d danced to onstage, but I let myself mess it up. I let myself dance for fun and not for perfection. I wasn’t onstage here. I was simply a woman in a bar.
And I was having fun .
I lost time, dancing to a mix of songs, some of which were new to me. As I moved, occasionally Barry would twirl me, making me feel like a princess in a ballroom.
When we finally stopped after nearly an hour, both of our chests were heaving. “You’re very good at dancing,” he said.
“You too. Incredible, actually.”
I wasn’t usually this sweaty unless I was at the gym or onstage. It was amazing to let loose and dance for a while as someone who wasn’t Lila.
My phone chimed and I saw that Juno was checking on me. “I should get back. But thank you for hanging out with me.”
“You’re welcome here any time.”
The corners of his lips moved upward and I smiled back. It had been worth it, breaking it off as Lila and being Rose instead. My secret was safe and now I had this all over again. I’d done the right thing.
Or at least I hoped I did.
Barry
“Since when do you dance?” Audrey asked after the bar had closed.
“I don’t,” I said. “That was an exception.”
“You were almost as good as me!” Liam exclaimed.
“And you two looked good together. Happy,” Audrey added. “But what about you know who ?”
Even thinking about Lila hurt. “It’s over. She broke it off.”
“I’m sorry. I know how much you liked her.”
“Don’t be. I . . . messed it up. I wasn’t open with her about the things I should have been.”
“So, Rose?” Liam asked. “She’s different.”
And she was—but only I knew the truth. I was making it work with her because of who she reminded me of. “Yeah.”
“And she has moves . If I squint, I would say she’s as good as a certain pop star you know.”
“Guys,” I said, sighing. “She’s a different person.”
Even if I forgot it.
“Fair enough. She definitely doesn’t look like her, that’s for sure. You have a type.”
“And what’s that?”
“Dancers.”
“That was just for fun. Besides, I could have done better.”
“Who cares about doing better? It’s just fun, like you said.”
And that it was. Rose seemed to bring that out of me. She didn’t worry about perfection, and after trying to be that for Lila, it was nice to let loose.
“When are you seeing her again?” Liam raised his eyebrows.
“No idea.”
“It should be soon. I’ve never seen you like that.”
I didn’t want to admit it, but I’d never felt like that either.
Ruth: I got Wilfred’s number from Mom. Do you want it?
I woke up to the text and groaned. This was the last thing I needed to deal with.
Barry: Did this have to happen the day AFTER my day from hell?
Ruth: Unfortunately, this is how emotional growth happens. All at once. I also asked her weeks ago, and she was nervous about talking to him.
Barry: I wonder why.
Ruth: Hmm, maybe the lying?
Ruth: Anyway, she told him about you. He was as pissed as expected. But he wants to talk to you.
Barry: Talking to fathers who are pissed has not worked out well for us.
Ruth: Fair enough. You don’t have to message him.
Barry: But I fucking want to for some reason.
Ruth: Then you have his number. Let Tom and me know if you need us.
The number in her text stared innocently at me and it made my skin crawl. I got up, content to ignore the feeling, but it only grew.
I thought about asking Ruth and Tom what they would say, but I knew they would be at work, and I’d already distracted Ruth enough for the day.
I flipped to a new text chain, finding Rose’s name.
Barry: Hey.
Rose: Hey! Fancy another dance night?
Barry: This is more for advice. What do I say to him? My father.
Rose: A simple hi would be good. Maybe say who you are.
Barry: Do you have a good father?
Rose: He’s mostly a good guy.
Barry: What’s it like?
Rose: We hit a rough patch when he decided he wanted to be on the road again and he left me with my mom. But once we got past it, he’s been pretty good. I know I could call and he’d answer.
Her words sounded eerily familiar, like one of Lila’s first songs.
Fuck. I did it again, thinking of Lila as I talked to Rose.
Barry: I’ll let you know what he says.
Rose: Please do. I’m busy this morning, but I’m always available by texting!
Barry: I might need that.
I flipped to the new number and took a deep breath.
Barry: Hi, Wilfred. It’s Barry.
My phone rang. I stared at it, unsure of whether or not I should answer.
Do it, my conscious begged. Answer.
“H-hello?”
“Gosh damn it,” a deep voice said. “I meant to text back. How do you text? I knew these bloomin’ fancy devices weren’t for me.”
A shocked chuckle escaped me. “Saying ‘gosh’ before ‘damn it’ is a new one.”
“My mother would come out of the grave if I said the other version. I swear it. One time, I hammered my thumb and let it slip and all my begonias died.”
“Wow.” It was all I could utter. This was not how I expected this conversation to go.
“We can go back to texting,” he said. “Sorry about bothering you. I know a lot of people don’t like being on the phone.”
I had an out. I could cut this here. But he’d said sorry . I’d never heard Todd say that word.
Stay, my conscious begged.
“No, it’s fine. Sometimes, we have to jump into things.”
A chuckle came through the line. “I see a lot of things that way,” he said. “Listen, kid. I’m about twenty-six years too late, but I’d like to get to know you.”
“You’re not late if you didn’t know.”
“I consider myself late. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is how you feel.”
“I . . . I think we can try. But I don’t know how to do . . . families .”
“I don’t know what it’s like to be a dad. So I guess we can try to figure it out together.”
“Yeah. Maybe we can.”