Chapter 37 Raya
Raya
“Good afternoon,” Dr. Monica Williams greets us. Our new therapist is warm and black, just like Dr. Bernard, but that’s where the similarities end. Dr. Williams is already giving no-nonsense, which is probably exactly what we need.
We take our seats across from her desk. I look around, wondering where the couch is. That’s how it always goes on tv; a person comes in for therapy and lays down on the couch to get comfortable. These chairs we’re perched in are hard and rigid, which matches her, I guess.
“I see here you’ve been married for almost six months,” she says as she peers at her iPad. “Why don’t we start with what you’re hoping to get out of your sessions?”
“Is that a bad thing, that we’ve only been married six months?” I ask. “Does that mean something?”
She shakes her head. “Not necessarily.”
Okay, then.
Ace clears his throat. “What I’m hoping to get is for us to be able to trust each other.”
She’s writing. “Wonderful. Raya?”
I cross my legs in front of me. “I guess I want us to come out of here feeling comfortable with who we are as a couple. And as individuals.”
“I see.” More writing. “Why now? Is there any particular catalyst that made you seek counseling?”
Ace and I look at each other, then back at her.
“Not really,” he says. “I mean, we’ve been having some…disagreements, but it’s not any one thing.”
“I agree.”
Her eyes move from left to right across our faces. “How did you two meet?”
Ace chokes back a chuckle. “On my lunch break. I was with coworkers at a restaurant.”
Dr. Williams nods.
Ace looks over at me with his eyebrows up like he expects me to finish the story. I shoot him a look.
“There’s a little more to it,” I finally say. “I had seen him online—“
“You’d seen me?” he says with a grin.
“Okay, fine. I’d watched him online for a while.”
Dr. Williams frowns. “What do you mean?”
“It’s a long story. I don’t wanna bore you or take up too much time. We’re paying by the hour, right?”
“Yes.”
“Right, so anyway, long story short, I saw him, I liked him, and I made sure to put myself somewhere he could see me. And he approached me just like I knew he would.”
Ace nods.
“O..kay.” She writes again. “When would you say the trust issues started?”
“Immediately,” Ace answers.
“Immediately?”
He nods. “There were some inconsistencies in her story.”
“I mean, you can say it, Ace.” I turn back to her. “I lied about my life.”
“Could you give me an example?"
“About where I went to school, being close to my parents, what I did for work. Et cetera.”
“I see.”
“She admitted it when I asked her,” Ace continues. “And knowing what I know now, it makes sense why she felt insecure about her background. I forgave her, is what I’m saying.”
“But the trust issues are still ongoing?”
“Well, yeah, because she hides things from me. The only reason I know what’s going on is because I read her journals sometimes.”
My head whips to the right. “You read my journals?”
He shrugs and smiles.
Dr. Williams writes and sighs.
“I didn’t know this,” I say. “That’s…surprising. You’re supposed to be the honest one.”
He spreads his hands. “I wouldn’t have to if you told me what’s going on with you.”
“Okay, wait.” Dr. Williams takes a deep breath. “Let’s back up. Raya, it sounds like you don’t trust Ace with your secrets. Why is that?”
“I guess I don’t wanna be judged.”
“And these secrets you keep…”
“It’s not, like, cheating or anything," I defend. "It really doesn’t have anything to do with Ace. It’s stuff I do on my own, stuff I’ve been doing for a long time. Since before I even knew him.”
“Would you like to share an example?”
Ace snickers at that. I guess he thinks I’m not gonna say it.
“I fixate on people sometimes, that’s all.”
“Fixate?”
“Yeah. It’s just…something to do. It’s not that deep, but I guess he feels like I should be talking to him about it.”
She turns to him. “Is that how you feel, Ace?”
“Nah, actually I feel like she should have stopped doing it by now. We’re married, she’s happy, or I thought she was happy. I make sure she’s able to do whatever she wants, but for some reason…it isn’t enough for her. And I guess I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do.”
She nods. “Have you ever considered the possibility that what she does on her own time has nothing to do with you?”
I turn my head to look at him, trying not to smile.
“I’m her husband. Isn’t it my job to make sure she’s happy enough to not have to…resort to coping mechanisms?”
“Is it your job? Who hired you?”
He shrugs. “I see what you're getting at. I think it’s my job because…I don’t know. I just do.”
“And that’s fine, Ace. I don’t want you to take my pushback as criticism. I just want us to interrogate our beliefs, because often times a big part of the problem in relationships is the roles we prescribe to ourselves, or that society prescribes to us.”
He nods.
“Do you judge her for her fixations?”
“It’s not that I judge her, it’s that I worry about her. Because I’ma just be real right now…" he trails off, his eyes meeting mine. "Sometimes she does shit that I consider dangerous.”
“Dangerous to whom?”
“To herself. To other people. To me.”
Dr. Williams looks at me.
“It’s true,” I say. “I’ve done things in the past that hurt people.”
“I see.” She writes. “This is good. I have plenty to go on in our future sessions. But before we move on, Ace, I wanna relieve you of some of the pressure you’re putting on yourself.
A person’s happiness or peace is internal.
Picture a remote control that calibrates emotions.
You don’t have access to her remote. And that’s not to say you don’t affect her emotionally.
What I’m saying is that if she has her happiness dial turned down to zero, you can yell as loud as you want and she won’t even hear it. You understand what I’m saying?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. And we’ll revisit that eventually. Now, Raya, you mentioned wanting you both to feel comfortable. When did the discomfort begin?”
“Recently, I think. Ace loves the word ‘normal’ and he feels like we aren’t that. But I feel like, who I am is who I’ve always been, and he knew that when he put this ring on my finger. So, like, what are we doing? Why are we here?”
“You don’t think you have areas you can improve on?”
“Probably. But I feel like…” I trail off, thinking hard. “He doesn’t really want me to improve. He loves the stuff about me that he hates. If that makes sense. It probably doesn’t.”
“Go on," she urges.
“Not to be too vulgar, but the bad parts of me turn him on. If I was normal, he’d probably be bored as hell.”
“I see.”
“Dr. Williams, here’s the real. This man loves the darkness in me. He craves it. It makes him hard. And I think, if he could just be honest with himself about that, we wouldn’t be sitting in this office right now wasting your time.”
She turns her gaze on him. “Is that true, Ace?”
He’s quiet for a few beats. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“I want you to think about it,” she says softly. “We’ll revisit it next time.”
He nods. "Cool, but what can we fix today?”
She chuckles. “That’s not quite how it works. Have either of you ever been to counseling?”
We both shake our heads.
“Well, let me explain how it usually works. First, we’re not here to decide who’s right or wrong.
Nobody gets put on trial, so to speak. My role is to help you understand what’s happening in your relationship.
One way we do that is by identifying patterns behind the issues you’re having.
How conflict starts, how it escalates, how it ends, if it ends.
The vast majority of the time, couples have the same argument over and over because they don’t understand the root issue.
“Additionally, I want you to understand that we’re not looking to fix as much as we’re looking to make progress toward a healthier relationship.
You will still have conflict." She smiles.
"Let me repeat that. You will still have conflict. But we want to progress toward better communication, which means less damage.”
We both nod.
“We want to identify triggers so we can progress toward emotional safety. We’re going to examine our histories and beliefs about relationships. Things we’ve learned or been taught that may be an obstacle toward a healthy partnership.
“Ultimately, I want to progress you to a place where you make the decision about whether or not to stay together or separate. I can’t tell you that, nor would I. It’s up to you.”
I frown at that. “We’re not separating. Ever. That’s not why we’re here.”
She blinks, staring blankly when she says, “Thank you for telling me that. I appreciate the clarity.”
Then she looks at Ace. “Ace, when you hear that, what does that bring up for you?”
“I agree,” he says without hesitation. “Til death do us part.”
She smiles tightly. “What I hear is a joint expression of commitment. And I would just say we don’t want absolutes to silence important feelings.”
“And I’m saying divorce is not an option,” I reiterate. “Ever. Under any circumstance.”
Her eyes shift back to Ace, searching for something. Then she sets her pen down. “Let’s set the date for our next visit.”
After, she gives us a homework packet. I don’t know about Ace, but I’m kinda digging that. All this fucking money we’re paying, I wanna feel like we’re actually doing something.
Because if all we're gonna do is talk about feelings, Ace can do that without me.