Chapter 38 Ace
Ace
Bron calls me when I'm on the way to counseling.
“Bruh, what the fuck is goin’ on over there?” he asks.
“What you mean?”
“Would you please tell your wife to stop giving my girl advice?”
I look over at Raya and laugh. “Oh, that’s your girl now?”
“Shut up.”
“What did she say wrong?”
“This girl gettin’ strict over here. Talkin’ about she wants a real date. Dinner and shit.”
“Well, better hop to it, then, nigga.”
"Man, fuck both of y'all. Love you, but fuck off."
After the line goes dead, Raya shakes her head. "He's never getting married."
"You never know."
"I do know. He's hopeless."
"I've been talking to him. I'm doing my part."
"That's noble, but mark my words."
Honestly, I don't think she's wrong about that.
But today is about us.
Fixing our shit before we both end up single like that nigga.
***
“Good to see you both," Dr. Williams says.
“You, too.”
“Let’s get started. I wanna do an exercise with you today where you tell me the things you love about each other. But before we get to that, I spent some time with your packets, and I want to first thank you for being so open and vulnerable. I know that’s not easy to do.”
“At all,” I agree.
“A few things stood out to me. Namely, Raya, you disclosed abuse.”
She nods, and I grab her hand, reassuring her even though she doesn’t seem to need it.
“I just want to be clear that I don’t expect you to give details here. We won’t process the trauma itself in couples therapy, but I do have colleagues who do that kind of work, and I’m happy to give you names.”
Raya shrugs. “I’m good. I don’t need it.”
Dr. Williams nods. “What matters for our work in here is how that kind of trauma shapes the way someone understands the world around them, particularly as it relates to relationships. But if at any point you don’t want to discuss it or even reference it, please let me know.”
“I will.”
“That kind of trauma has lasting effects, as I’m sure you know.
Especially at the hands of a caregiver. It can teach that love and harm can occupy the same space.
It can make the victim distrustful. Some victims develop a heightened tolerance for intrusion.
Some become hypersensitive to it, craving bodily autonomy.
Exerting control or hypervigilance over relationships.
And sometimes victims find love unpredictable.
Intensity can feel regulating. When it stops, it can feel like abandonment. Or danger.”
She turns her attention to me. “Ace, what I see in your history is a lifetime of emotional deprivation. It seems your caregivers were highly critical, especially your mother. It read to me like her approval and affection were important to you and you never truly got them. Or when you did, it wasn’t because it was given unconditionally, it was because you had to earn it. ”
I nod.
“Children who experience this often grow up to become receptive to the highs and lows of intense relationships. The lows replicate the emotional abandonment, and the highs make you feel like you finally matter to someone.”
Well, damn.
“This pairing,” she says, “doesn’t happen by accident. It happens because it both triggers and soothes something in both of you.”
Raya looks over at me, her expression unreadable.
“But soothing isn’t healing,” Dr. Williams continues. “And intensity isn’t the same as love. So we have a lot of work to do.”
She picks up her iPad, scrolls, then nods to herself. “Last time you were here, Ace, your main concern was trust. Raya, yours was comfort. Maybe safety is accurate, as well.”
“Yes, because obviously she doesn’t feel safe to trust me with all of her," I say. "I’ve told her before I don’t judge her, but when she hides things, it makes everything seem bigger than it is.”
“What about what you hide?” she says to me before turning back to Dr. Williams. “He was having issues with a woman at work and didn’t tell me. So he hides, too.”
“Okay, but to be fair, I had a good reason.”
“Ace, I hear you justifying a behavior for yourself but not for Raya.”
“Thank you!” Raya yells.
“Nah. It’s different. I hid it to protect everybody involved.”
“Protect?”
“Protect,” I repeat. “Matter of fact, everything I do is to protect either her, myself, or my family. Or, hell, perfect strangers.”
“Everything?” Raya says, her brows furrowed. “Are you gonna make me bring it up?”
“Wait, okay.” Dr. Williams shakes her head. “We’re getting off track, here. Protection from what?”
“From Raya lashing out. Trying to control shit.” I sit for a minute, my knee bouncing. “Doc, if I say something in here…something illegal, would you report it?”
“Seriously, Ace?” Raya looks at me sideways, a silent warning.
“Well, it would depend,” Dr. Williams says. “I don’t have to report past crimes involving adults, but if there’s a credible threat for future harm of anyone, I would be obligated.”
Her eyes dart back and forth between me and Raya.
“Alright, fuck it,” I say. “She stalks people. When she told you she saw me before we met, what she meant was, she stalked me for two whole years.”
Dr. Williams doesn’t react.
“And this woman at my job, the one who was making my life hell? Yeah, I kept that close because I didn’t want my wife doing something crazy. Which is exactly what she did.”
“What did you do?”
Raya rolls her eyes at me. “I watched her a couple of times, and then I…” she trails off.
“Then you, what?” I urge. “Say it with your chest.”
“Shut up. I threatened her,” she says. “I made an aggressive move toward her, but she was unharmed.”
She said that last part pointedly at me. I don’t react, but Dr. Williams looks concerned.
“And how did you feel after you threatened her?”
Raya shrugs. “I don’t know. It wasn’t even really about her. It was about him.”
“I think that’s probably true. I’m glad you’re able to see that.” She takes a very deep breath and blows it out slowly. “And, just to be clear, following someone, making threats toward someone, are both unacceptable. There can be real legal consequences.”
“I know. I understand.”
“Even if your goal was to protect your husband, the act itself crosses a line.”
Raya sits back, folding her arms in front of her.
“In light of this behavior, I think we need to—“
“Are you ending the session?” Raya cuts in.
“No, what I was going to s—“
“Because we can’t end before we get to what he’s done.”
Dr. Williams gestures for Raya to go ahead. I already know what she’s gonna say, but I turn to look at her anyway.
“He tampered with my birth control to get me pregnant.”
Doc’s mouth drops open before she catches herself. “When was this?”
“I’m almost ten weeks,” Raya says. “So when you talk about safety and trust and hiding shit, I don’t think we can overlook that.”
“I agree. Um, Ace? Is this true?”
“Yeah, I did it.”
“Okay. Well." Doc blinks rapidly. "Thank you for your honesty. This is…what you just told me is reproductive coercion. It is a form of intimate partner violence. This is a serious offense.”
“Told you!” Raya crows, smiling in triumph.
Dr. Williams pinches the bridge of her nose. “This complicates things. Obviously.”
“I understand the language you’re using. I didn’t think it was that serious, but I understand that now. With that said, this is yet another thing I did to protect everybody.”
Doc massages her temples with circular motions. “Please explain that.”
“She sent my father a sex tape—“
“On accident,” Raya corrects. “Don’t leave that part out.”
“Right, but because of the lack of trust in our relationship, I thought she sent it on purpose. That is something she would do, plus there’s already a history there with her and my father.”
Dr. Williams looks back and forth between us. “What?”
Raya chuckles. “Not full on sex. Just kissing, which I didn’t initiate.”
“You invited him to the house, though.”
“Let’s not get bogged down in the details, babe.”
"And you threatened to fuck him. And my friends. And my brother-in-law. And some Only Fans model. So—"
"That was just to torture you. Obviously."
I look at her sideways. "I don't know how obvious it is given the fact you said you were dead serious."
"Ace. Raya. Please. Can we get back to—"
"My bad," I say. "So like I was saying, the pill thing was after the sex tape and after she stalked my coworker. Like I said, I know how it sounds, but I swear, I wasn’t trying to hurt her.”
“Okay, let’s—“
“Sorry to cut you off, Doc, but I put in my history section that I lost a child before. Did you see that?”
She nods.
“Every time she threatens to kill the baby, it triggers the hell out of me.”
Her eyes widen in terror. “Every time she what?”
“Yeah, she says she ain’t havin’ it. And for me, after experiencing the death of my son, it feels like she’s stabbing me in my fucking heart when she says it.”
“Uh, hello? That’s the whole point, Ace! I’m trying to hurt you like you hurt me.”
“Mission accomplished, babe.”
Raya goes quiet as if the idea of me being hurt is separate from her doing shit to hurt me.
When my eyes finally shift back to Dr. Williams, her head is down, and her hand is over her eyes. Raya and I exchange a look of worry. Doc seems like she's in distress.
“Doc? You good?”
She takes a few deep breaths and shakes her head. “I…um…” she clears her throat, straightens her back, and looks directly at us. “This dynamic is not healthy. It’s—well, to be frank, it’s a toxic feedback loop.”
“Meaning?”
Her eyes cut to Raya. “It sounds like when one of you feels unsafe, you do something drastic to regain control, which then sends the other person spiraling to regain their sense of control. It keeps going around and around and you're not making progress, you're just hurting each other.”
She blows out a breath. “Frankly, I don’t think I can continue seeing you. At least not this version of you. Both of you need serious individual therapy that focuses on impulse control and accountability. The issues here are…” she trails off, shaking her head. “Your dynamic is abusive.”
“That’s a strong word," I say.