1. Carlee
Chapter 1
Carlee
Have you ever looked at someone and just knew they were put in your life for a reason? That one person who would not only be your best friend, your lover, but your absolute everything? A recognition so powerful it almost knocks you flat on your ass.
No?
Well, I have.
The day Grayson Edwards got down on one knee and professed his undying love for me, asking me to spend the rest of my days by his side, was a moment I’ll never forget. “Carlee,” he’d said, “I feel like I’ve waited my entire life for you.” Those words resonated with me immediately… right down to the very depths of my soul. Because, I too, had waited my entire life for this man. When I was a little girl, I even prayed for him.
We were like two star-crossed lovers that fate had brought together for a reason… we were meant to be. Or so I thought.
I should’ve known from the onset it was too good to be true. Life’s a bitch—who am I kidding, she’s a lowdown-dirty-whore. She’s fucked me over more times than I can count.
Good things don’t happen to people like me.
Never to people like me.
I’ve been cursed from the moment I took my first breath. I knew this! I fucking knew it. But that knowledge did nothing to deter me from moving forward, from finally opening up my bruised and battered heart and letting Grayson in. After all, I’d been searching for him my entire life, how could I just let him go?
He showed me an existence I’d once only dreamt about. I was the center of his world, and he quickly became mine. But I should’ve listened to that constant niggle in the back of my mind. The one warning me that no matter how tightly I hung on to him he’d eventually be ripped away, because that’s exactly what happened.
It only took six short months for me to free-fall back into the reality I’d grown up in… for everything I treasured with the man of my dreams to crumble into a big pile of hopelessness. It was my fate, my destiny, and there wasn’t anything anyone could do to change it.
Growing up, life for me was no fairy tale; I was born into a living nightmare. A place where just surviving to see another day was all I knew. I learned from a very young age that there’d be no happily ever after for a person like me.
Exhaling a deflated breath, I once again accept the shitty hand I’ve been dealt. I’m still standing here in the bathroom long after Grayson left, preparing myself to return to my best friend’s wedding reception.
I stare back at my reflection in the mirror, straightening my red dress. First glances can be deceptive, but if you looked close enough, you’d see the lifelessness in my eyes. The fire is gone, long snuffed out. I’m a shadow of the woman I once was.
I no longer want to be here, but this is Emma’s special day, something she’s been waiting a long time for. She’s my best friend. I’m not going to ruin it. I have the rest of my life to wallow over my loss, I just need to get through this night. Her friendship means the world to me, and I’d never knowingly do anything to upset her. She’s one of the only good things I have left, and after everything she and Ashton have been through to get to this point, they deserve every speck of happiness. I envy them both.
I swipe my fingers under my eyes to remove the last of my tears. I just have to keep it together for a few more hours and steer clear of Grayson.
With that thought in mind, I inhale a deep breath and plaster a huge-ass smile on my face. This is what I do best. I’m a queen at masking my true feelings; I’ve had years of practice to perfect it. I pull back my shoulders as my mother’s words swim around in my mind… “Suck it up, Princess. Shitty things happen to shitty people.”
From a very young age, I learned not to rely on others, because you’ll be left disappointed if you do. Even your shadow leaves you in times of darkness.
I managed to get through the rest of the reception on autopilot. Smiling on cue when necessary. Grayson never returned. It was probably for the best.
It’s usually an hour-and-forty-minute drive from Rancho Palos Verdes back to Temecula where I now live, but I managed to do it and an hour and fifteen. The traffic was sparse, but considering the lateness, I guess that’s a given. It’s just after two in the morning when I pull up outside the gymnasium. I live in the two-bedroom apartment that sits directly above it.
I don’t remember much of the journey home. And although my heart is sitting somewhere in the base of my stomach, in a million tiny fragments… shattered beyond repair, I couldn’t stop myself from reliving every second of my time with Grayson tonight.
I can still feel him.
Smell him.
Taste him.
For nine-hundred-and-fifty-three excruciating days, I’ve had to live without his touch, his kiss, his love. It’s been so long since my body felt this… alive.
Grayson used to call me his sunshine, but he’s the one who filled me with light. A kind of brightness I never knew existed until him. Now I’m left looming in the darkness once again.
Our time together tonight may have been fleeting in the grand scheme of life, but I don’t regret a single second of it… well, except for the part where I again had to push away the best thing that has ever happened to me. The first time was hard, tonight was no easier. If anything, it was more difficult because this time round I knew how hollow life was without him. There’ll be no one else for me. Nobody will ever be able to replace him. I’ll forever cherish my memories, but I already know they won’t be enough to quench the longing I have for him deep down within my soul.
My mind drifts back to the moment when the monster from my past reared its ugly head, forcing me to remove my engagement ring and walk away… just the thought of it has bile rising to the back of my throat. Grayson wants answers, and countless times over the past few years I’ve thought about how I could explain everything to him, to tell him what happened the day I fled… the reasons why we can no longer be together, but what am I to say? I can’t make sense of it myself, much less explain it to him. Words won’t help either of us.
Nothing I say or do can erase the shame of my past. Lives are at stake here; I need to remember that.
It’s for his own good, I’m doing this to protect him.
If only I could make him understand that the truth won’t set him free, it will destroy him… I’ve already hurt him enough.
Blowing out a puff of air I drag my weary ass out of the car. My body feels like it’s weighted down with bricks, and the tightness in my chest makes it hurt to breathe. I feel empty, lifeless. It’s impossible to feel whole when your heart is no longer in your body. Mine lies with someone else.
I unlock the front door and step inside. After firmly closing and locking it behind me, I flick off the lights and activate the alarm before heading toward the stairwell at the rear of the gym.
Once upon a time, this was my happy place… but not today. Today it feels like a prison. Like the walls are closing in, slowly suffocating me. When I was a little girl, this very room gave me something safe. Somewhere I could expel all the demons that were too heavy for my small body to carry around.
When I walked away from Temecula six years ago, I never thought I’d return. This town holds too many bad memories. It’s where I grew up, and the only other home I’ve known. The reality is I had nowhere else to go… and I needed to be close to Reece. That’s why I came back.
In some ways, I even wanted to be near my mom.
Although she never gave a damn about me, the messed up needy side of me still cares. Still pines for her love, for her acceptance, even though I’m old enough now to know I’m never going to get it. I’m a glutton for punishment. She has no idea what I have sacrificed for her, I doubt she’d even care if she did. She’s always been a selfish bitch like that.
I was never high up on her list of priorities. I fall somewhere under the booze, drugs, her one-night stands, or whatever flavor of the month she’s got supporting her filthy habit.
When I first left here and moved to Gardena, I tried so hard to leave that part of my life behind, but the damage bad parenting brings to a child never really goes away. It’s embedded in my DNA. I’m the daughter of a whore, dirty by default.
Dropping my bag on the floor just inside the front door of the apartment, I kick off my heels and head toward the bathroom. I’m so emotionally spent I’m not even bothered by them lying there; they’re the least of my worries right now. I usually can’t stand disorganization or mess. They say a turbulent upbringing will do that to a person, and believe me when I tell you my childhood was beyond fucked up.
I release a defeated breath as I will my body to keep moving through the small living room toward the bathroom. It would be so easy to give in to the heartache, but I can’t do that. Instead, I’ll keep doing what I’ve done for the past two and a half years. Take life one step at a time. Each second, each minute, each hour. I’ll continue placing one foot in front of the other, and if that fails, I’m not above crawling. I have no choice but to move forward, because as much as I wish it wasn’t the case, there’s no going back.