21. Carlee
Chapter 21
Carlee
Present day…
My stomach churns as I pull up outside Grayson’s house. It’s been over two and a half years since I’ve been here, but it seems like a lifetime. My heart aches at the thought. So many good times were had behind those doors, and endless precious memories made. I’ve tried to block most of them out, not because I don’t treasure each and every one of them, but because it’s too hard for me to relive.
Taking a deep breath to try and calm my nerves, I reach across the center console for the paper bag that sits on the passenger seat. Eight long weeks have passed since I walked out of the hospital the night of Grayson’s accident. Emma has been keeping me updated on his progress since. His injuries were substantial, but not life-threatening like I first thought. The damage was mostly confined to the left side of his body… the side that took the brunt of the impact.
His shoulder was dislocated, his collarbone and arm were broken, as well as a few ribs. He suffered a pretty nasty concussion, but the worst injury was to the lower part of his leg. He had to be cut from his vehicle, having multiple surgeries on his limb to correct the damage.
Grayson’s been home from the hospital for almost a week now, but I wanted to give him time to settle in before coming here.
I’m not sure this visit is wise after all this time, but there’s something he needs to know. Exiting the car, I tuck the bag under my arm before walking up the path toward his front door. My stomach is in knots. He was so angry at me the last time we spoke in Valentina’s bathroom during Emma and Ashton’s wedding. I have no idea how he’s going to feel about me being here.
Tentatively, I climb the front stairs, pausing to collect myself for a moment. I practiced what I was going to say on the long drive here, but it’s all scrambled now. I’m clueless as to what I should lead with.
Shaking out my fingers, I reach for the doorbell, pressing it once. I dip my head and stare at my shoes as I wait for him to answer. Minutes pass. I raise my hand for a second time, but before I ring the bell again, the front door opens.
I suck in a sharp breath the moment our eyes lock. The mere sight of him knocks all the air from my lungs. He’s so devastatingly handsome; it physically hurts to look at him.
It’s such a relief to see him in one piece.
He has a few days’ worth of stubble on his face, it’s rare to see him unshaven, but this rugged look suits him. It adds to his overall sexiness. My eyes track the length of his body in a slow appraisal. There’s a brace strapped to his left leg, and he looks a tad thinner than I remember but still gorgeous. It would be hard for this man to look anything less.
“Hi,” I say, giving him a tight smile, because I can tell by the stern look on his face he’s not at all happy to see me. It stings, but it’s nothing I don’t deserve after the way I’ve treated him.
I want to tell him how sorry I am for everything that’s happened. That I miss him so damn much… that I still love him, I never stopped, but that’s not who we are anymore. I hate how awkward things have become, but none of that is his fault, it’s all on me.
That look—the one he once only reserved for me—is no longer present. It was a smile that was so happy… so bright, it used to light up his entire face. All I’m getting now is a scowl.
“What do you want, Carlee?”
“I was wondering if you had a few minutes to talk.”
He draws back slightly at my words, like I’ve just slapped him. “You want to talk?” he scoffs. “You’re kidding me, right?”
“Grayson, please.”
“Un-fucking-believable.” He shakes his head in disgust. “There was a time I would’ve given anything to hear what you had to say, Carlee, any-fucking-thing, but that ship has sailed. Too little too late I’m afraid, sweetheart, I don’t give a fuck anymore.”
I blink a few times as the bite of his words settles in. This time I feel like I’m the one who’s been slapped.
Grayson exhales a long, drawn-out breath before taking a step back. My heart sinks, and my mouth drops open when he grasps the edge of the door before slamming it in my face.
Tears burn the back of my eyes as I stand there for a moment, wondering what to do next. This is not how I anticipated things going, but I shouldn’t be surprised. He’s been trying to get me to talk to him for the past few years, so I’m a fool for thinking anything different .
I need to accept that I’m no longer his sunshine and he isn’t mine… those days are gone. The only thing that can drive away darkness, is light… that’s what Grayson once did for me. He chased away my demons and filled me with his brightness. A brightness that he no longer seems to have. I’ve ruined him, and I truly hate myself for that.
There’s a part of me that wishes I’d never met him. It was easier to live with the emptiness when I didn’t know it was there. And if he hadn’t met me, he’d still be the happy and outgoing man he once was.
I’m not sure how long I stand on his doorstep, but eventually, I accept my fate, turning and rushing down the stairs toward Reece’s car. He let me borrow it for the day. I didn’t tell him where I was going, and thankfully he didn’t ask.
I never replaced my Red Rocket when I moved back to Temecula. There was no need. I wasn’t going anywhere.
As for the car Grayson bought me, it was returned here the day I left him at the cabin. I parked the Mustang outside his house and slipped the keys into his mailbox like a coward. I couldn’t keep the car after what I’d done, no matter how much I wanted to. It was just another part of him I’d lost. I then flagged down a cab and cried my eyes out the entire way to the bus depot before buying a one-way ticket back home… to Reece . Because yet again I had nowhere else to go.
My fingers wrap around the car door handle as I gaze back at his house for the final time. That’s when I lose the battle on my emotions and the first tear falls.
Through blurry eyes, I look further down the street to where Emma and Ashton live with their daughter, Charlie. Although Emma and I have remained best friends, still managing to meet up occasionally when time permits, I haven’t been to their house in years. I’ve avoided this area like the plague.
I miss her, and my goddaughter.
With my mind made up I start walking in that direction. Maybe it’s hormones, or maybe it’s heartache, but I feel like I’m a dam ready to burst its banks. I’m not in a fit state to drive. I need a hug, a comforting ear and I don’t know… a few bottles of wine.
I pray that Ashton’s not home when I press the buzzer at their front gate. It’s a weekday, so fingers crossed he’s at work.
“Oh my God, Carlee, is it really you?” Emma squeals through the intercom.
“Hey, Em.” I lift my hand, giving the camera a half-hearted wave.
“Is everything okay?”
“No.” I sniffle, dropping my gaze down to my feet. “Not really.”
“Hold on, let me buzz you in.”
By the time I push through the gate, she’s already opening the front door. “I just put Charlie down for a nap, but come in.” When I reach her, she pulls me into her arms. “It’s so good to see you. I’ve missed you.”
“I know. I hate that I live so far away.”
She pulls back, scanning my face. “What’s going on?”
I release a puff of air as tears burn the back of my eyes, but I somehow manage to hold it together. “I just went to see Grayson”
“You did?” Her eyes widen.
“Yeah.”
“How did it go?”
“It was a disaster. He slammed the door in my face.”
The recognition that he no longer wants me is a hard pill to swallow. There’s always been a small part of me that hoped our circumstances would change, and we’d finally be able to be together again.
“Oh crap, I’m so sorry, Car.” Emma places her hand on my arm as she shuffles to the side, making room for me to pass. “Come in.”
We head toward the kitchen and she rounds the island, toward their fancy coffee machine. “Sit,” she says. “I’ll make us a cuppa and then we can talk.”
“A what?”
Emma laughs. “A coffee. Channing calls them cuppas… it must be an Australian thing.” She waves it off as I place the paper bag on the countertop in front of me. “What’s that?” she asks, maneuvering the mug under the spout.
“A pregnancy test.”
Her head whips in my direction. “Did I hear that correctly?”
I shrug. “I’m late.”
“How late?”
“A few months.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize you were seeing someone.”
“I’m not.”
Her eyes widen to saucers. “Is that why you went to Grayson’s?” I nod. “You think it’s his? How is that even possible?”
I grimace. “We kind of had sex at your wedding,” I admit, looking everywhere but her.
“How?”
“You know, he put appendage A in slot B .”
She rolls her eyes, sliding the mug of coffee over to me. “Very funny, bitch. I’ve got a kid; I know how babies are made. I mean when?”
“After the bridal waltz. He followed me into the house and we ended up having hot monkey sex against the bathroom wall in the Black mansion.”
“Holy shit-balls.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“You know, having sex at your wedding.”
“Please,” she says, flicking her hand in front of her. “God, only last week Ashton and I had sex on the side of the highway in his Aston Martin. We were coming home from our date night… his mom was watching Charlie. You know how small that car is, one of my legs was hanging out the window.”
I laugh, trying not to picture it in my head. That’s not like the sweet Emma I know. “La-la-la-la-la.” I put my fingers in my ears as I say it.
She rolls her eyes. “When you have to factor in kids, you’ve got to take every opportunity you can get. Charlie is a grade-A cockblock… Ashton’s words, not mine.”
Taking a sip of my coffee, I turn my face away from her, staring out the back window to the ocean beyond. I can’t look at her when I say the next part.
“We had sex right before he stormed out of the wedding and got in his car.”
“Oh crap.”
She knows where I’m going with this. “He was angry and upset. It’s all my fault, Em. I’m the reason he crashed.”
The last few months have been hard; I’ve struggled with it all. The guilt I’ve been carrying around is almost unbearable.
She reaches for my hand. “It was an accident; it was nobody’s fault.”
It’s sweet of her to say that, but I know better .
Once she has her coffee made, she comes to sit beside me. “So, you think you might be pregnant, hey?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t been sick or anything.”
“Not all bodies are the same. Some women don’t get sick at all, others can be debilitated by it.”
“Well, I guess I’ll know once I take the test.”
She raises the cup in her hand, bringing it to her mouth. “We’ll do it straight after this. What did Grayson say when you told him?”
“I didn’t get that far. I asked him if we could talk and he said, too little too late and slammed the door in my face.”
“He’s just hurt, Car. I know he still cares about you.”
“I’m not sure about that. I think he hates me.”
“He doesn’t hate you. What are you going to do if you are? You’ve always said you never wanted kids.”
“Only because my genetics are messed up.”
“There’s nothing wrong with your genes. Your parents might suck, but none of their assholeyness was passed onto you. Look at you, you’re beautiful, strong, kind, giving… a truly amazing person.”
“Thanks,” I say, dipping my chin.
“It’s the truth.” Emma reaches out and grasps my hand. “I love you like a sister, and I’m grateful to have you in my life. You may not think so, but you have a lot to offer. You also know firsthand what bad parenting looks like. You won’t make the same mistakes. You’ll be an awesome mom, Carlee.”
“You think so?”
“I know so. Geez, imagine how gorgeous this kid will be having you two as parents?”
I smile at that. “Is it wrong that I kind of like the idea that part of Grayson may be growing inside of me?” I may not be able to have him, but this is the next best thing .
“Right, that’s it.” She places her cup down before taking mine out of my hand. “The suspense is killing me. We’re going upstairs to my bathroom right now.”
She scoops up the paper bag before tugging me off the stool. An uneasiness settles in the pit of my stomach, but it’s time I put my big girl panties on and find out one way or the other.
I tear open the box. “I have no idea what I’m doing,” I admit, lining the contents on the bathroom sink.
“You’ve never done one of these before?” Emma asks.
“Never. I’ve been on birth control since the beginning of time, but I stopped after Grayson and I broke up. If I couldn’t have him, I didn’t want anyone else.”
“Oh, Car,” she says, rubbing her hand down my back. “I wish I knew what went wrong with you two. Hopefully one day you’ll be able to tell me.”
I nod instead of answering. I wish I could talk to her, but it’s not that simple. There are too many consequences if I do.
“Here.” Emma picks up the stick thingy, passing it to me. “You just need to pee on the strip.”
“Okay.” I walk over to the toilet, pull down my pants, and take a seat, doing as she instructs. “Now what?” I ask.
“We wait.”
I place the stick down on top of the pamphlet that came with the test kit, washing my hands. “How long does it take?”
“A few minutes. ”
I turn around, giving the test my back. “I can’t watch.”
“It’s okay. I’ll keep an eye on it for both of us.”
Time seems to stand still.
“Anything yet?”
“Give it a bit longer.”
I wrap my arms around my body for comfort. I’m nervous, but I’m too scared to hope. I’m only setting myself up for a letdown if I do. I want this, but I’m also petrified about the fallout it will bring.
A few minutes later I hear Emma sigh from behind me, so I glance at her over my shoulder. “I’m sorry,” she says. “It’s negative.”
“Oh.” Those words are like a knife through my heart. My whole body deflates and a crushing pain settles in my chest. This truly is the end of us.
“Hey.” Emma reaches for me, but I shrug her off. If I let her touch me it will be my undoing. “I want to hug you so bad, Carlee, but you’re giving off that don’t touch me vibe right now.” She grabs my hand instead, squeezing it, but even that has the dam behind my eyes threatening to spill over. “Tell me what to do, how I can help?”
“There’s nothing you can do.” I wipe my fingers under my eyes, but a few more tears follow.
“Please let me hug you, you look like you could use one.”
I’m too weak to fight.
As soon as her arms wrap around me, I break down. I feel like I just lost a part of me I never knew I wanted until this moment.