22. Grayson
Chapter 22
Grayson
I pour more amber liquid into the glass, tossing my head back and drinking it down in one gulp. I’ve never been a heavy drinker, but I’ve drunk more than my fair share over the past few years, no thanks to Carlee. She not only fucked up my heart when she left, she’s partly responsible for the demise of my liver too.
I still can’t believe she came here. I thought I was seeing things at first, like a goddamn apparition. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve wished for just that… for her to show up at my door. But once I got over the initial shock, the hurt and anger took over.
I’ve waited years for that talk, and now she’s suddenly ready. What a joke . It almost drove me to the point of insanity not knowing where she was, or why she’d left. So, I can’t help but wonder what she had to say to me today. If she was finally ready to give me answers. Why now? Why after all this time? I guess I’ll never know because I didn’t give her a chance. Her unexplained rejection is still too raw, so slamming the door in her face was purely a reflex. Fuck my life . And fuck Carlee and whatever the hell her last name is .
As much as it pains me to say it, when I told her I was done I meant it. I can’t keep torturing myself like this. It’s time to move on. Why does that thought make me want to hurl?
My free hand grips the edge of the table until my knuckles turn white. Why did she come here? What did she want? Here I go again, letting her back into my head.
Raising my arm, I throw the crystal glass I’m holding across the room, it shatters into tiny pieces against the far wall, just like my pathetic heart.
“Fuck,” I scream. Why can’t I move the hell on?
I hear the key in the front door and I swing my body in that direction. The sudden movement has my drunk ass swaying on my feet. I know it’s not her, but that still doesn’t stamp out the hope rising in my chest.
The door opens, and Ashton steps inside. I can tell by the frown on his face he knows what went down today.
“If you came here to talk, I’m not in the mood,” I say.
“I wanted to check you were okay. Emma told me what happened.”
“Of course, she did,” I scoff.
I love Emma and Ashton like family, but nothing is sacred when your ex is best friends with your best friend’s wife.
“How’s your leg?” he asks.
“Fucked,” I say, just like everything else in my life. I want things to be normal again. I want the life I used to have back. I’m sick of the woe-is-me sap I’ve turned into.
“How did PT go today?”
“Cut the crap, Ashton, just say what it is you came here to say.”
“Fine,” he says, stepping up to the bar and pouring us both a drink. The last thing I need is more alcohol, but I want to get fucked up so I don’t have to feel anymore.
“You need to let her go.”
“And you need to mind your own business.”
“It’s time you started worrying about yourself. You’ve been there done that, she’s not the right girl for you.”
“That’s where you’re wrong… she’s the only girl for me.”
“Bullshit, you can do a whole lot better and you know it. Look at how she’s treated you the past few years. She ripped out your heart without so much as an explanation.”
“Don’t,” I snap, holding up my hand.
Everything he’s saying is true, but I still want to punch him for it. I wish more than anything I could erase what I feel for her, but after all this time she still owns my damn heart.
“Can’t you see this is just you, being you? You look after people. It’s what you do, what you’ve always done. You’re a caretaker, Gray. You looked after your mom and your sister when your dad died, you took care of me when…” He blows out a long breath. “…all that shit when down with Anastasia.” Ashton swallows hard before continuing. “Christ, you’re still looking out for me, and now I’m going to return the favor. This may be hard for you to hear but she doesn’t deserve you.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration; I know he’s right, but I can’t help what I feel. “She’s the only girl I want.”
“You’re being ridiculous. You’ve had others since her.”
“Yeah, but none of them measured up.” I exhale a frustrated breath. “They were purely filling the void. Helping me forget. Half the time I had to close my eyes and pretend they were Carlee just so I could blow.”
Ashton shakes his head. “You just haven’t found the right one yet. She’s out there trust me. Emma came along when I least expected her. Look at us now.”
He and Emma are perfect, blah blah. Good for them.
“Fuck,” I grate out. “You’re not listening, I don’t want anyone else. Carlee is my Emma!”
I slam down the glass in my hand. She’s the only woman I’ve ever given my heart to, a heart I forgot to get back from her before she left. She’s my one , the person my father told me about before he passed, and I refuse to settle for second best. Jesus Christ, I need to get out of this damn house, I’m going stir-crazy.
“Look, I didn’t want to tell you this, I know you’re going through a lot right now, but she’s moved on, and you need to do the same.”
His words take a moment to register. “What do you mean she’s moved on?”
“When I got home from work, I found a pregnancy test in our bathroom. I thought it was Emma’s, but when I confronted her, she confessed it belonged to Carlee.”
My heart sinks. She told me she didn’t want kids.
“Carlee’s pregnant?”
Ashton shrugs. “I don’t know, I didn’t ask Emma to elaborate. Carlee is kind of a touchy subject between us since everything went down between you two.”
His words not only make my head spin, they fill me with rage. “Fuck.”
“There’s more. Carlee came to the hospital after your accident.”
“She did, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m telling you now.”
She did come... she does care.
Here I go again, grasping for any sliver of hope I can find .
“I didn’t want to hurt you. You were going through enough.”
“You think her coming to see me would hurt? Have you not heard a word I said? This is great news.” Every day I was in the hospital, a huge part of me wished she’d visit.
Ashton sighs as he bows his head, shoving his hands into his pockets. “She didn’t come alone. She came with another guy. I asked them to leave, I was pissed she’d show up with her new boyfriend in tow. Emma and I got into a huge fight over it, but I knew it would hurt you to see her with someone else.”
“Maybe he was just a friend.”
“I’m afraid not. They’re living together.”
“What?”
I may be three sheets to the wind right now, but it does nothing to lessen the sting. His words are a crushing blow to my already fragile heart. Why would she do that? She told me at Ashton and Emma’s wedding that they’d been nobody else since me. Was she lying? I scrub my hand over my face. I don’t know why I continue to keep her up on a pedestal. She’s proved time and time again that she doesn’t belong there. Have I been so blinded by love that I refuse to let myself see the truth?
Staggering slightly, I start moving across the room. “You need to go,” I say, using the back of the couch for support as I head toward the staircase.
“Grayson.”
I hold my hand up in protest; I don’t want to hear anymore. “Go, I want to be alone.”
My physical therapist, Christy, passes me the leg brace before crossing the room to the kitchen to wash her hands.
“When do you think I’ll be able to get rid of this thing?” I ask, sliding my foot into it and securing the Velcro straps around my calf. I’m over it .
I’m only wearing it during the day now, and I’m thankful to be free of this fucker when I sleep, but I want it gone completely.
The doctor removed the last of the pins from my leg before I left the hospital, but I still have limited movement in my ankle. I’ve had three operations thus far, and until my leg completely heals, and I’m given the all clear, I can’t even drive.
The crumpled wreck they cut me out of at the scene flashes through my mind, but I push the image straight back out. I can’t go there right now. Even though I was pretty out of it at the time, I remember looking over at my once-prized sports car as I was being loaded onto a stretcher. She was a fucking mess, just like I was, barely recognizable. It was no surprise to hear the insurance company wrote her off, she was towed back to one of their lots where she still sits, but I haven’t been to see her… I don’t want to .
I loved that damn car.
“If you keep improving like this, I’d say a few more weeks tops,” Christy replies.
That may not seem like a long time, but I’ve already lost the last two months of my life. I need to get back to work… I need to get out of this damn house, I’m craving normality. Being cooped up in the hospital, and now here, is sending me around the goddamn bend. I have too much time to think and wallow in self-pity.
Too much time to miss Carlee.
Three days have passed since she came here… since Ashton informed me of what’s really going on. Did Carlee come to gloat? Did she think I’d want to know she’s moved on? She didn’t want kids with me, so I can’t even put into words how it feels to know she’s shacked up with some other guy, playing happy families, and giving him the life I wanted for us.
When the doorbell rings, I throw my head back and groan. “You want me to get that on my way out?” Christy asks as she lifts her bag, slinging it over her shoulder.
“Tell whoever it is to fuck off.”
Christy’s eyes widen in shock. She might think I’m joking, but I’m not. I only let her in because I need her to fix my damn leg so I can get a semblance of my life back.
I stay seated as she opens the door. “Hi,” she says to whoever is standing on the other side.
“Hi, is Grayson in?” It sounds like Emma, and it’s confirmed when a flash zooms around Christy’s legs, and I see a tiny little human run across the main room in my direction. As shitty as I’m feeling, I can’t help but smile when I see her sweet face. “Charlie,” Emma calls out, but the toddler is already out of her reach.
“Gway-Gway,” she squeals, launching herself into my awaiting arms.
“Charlie-bear.” I wrap her up tight, blowing a raspberry on her neck and making her giggle as she squirms her tiny body around. “I’ve missed you, baby girl.”
She draws back her upper body, and although she’s a carbon copy of her mother, she has her dad’s blue eyes .
She places her small, chubby hands on each side of my face, giving me a serious expression. “I miss you, Gway-Gway.” Fuck, I love this little girl. Her large eyes grow bigger and a smile bursts onto her face. “Momma made us tookies.” I chuckle because this kid is too cute.
I envy everything my best friend now has. The love of his life by his side, and this cute little bundle in my arms. This is what I once saw for my future, not his. It’s funny how life works out sometimes.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Grayson,” Christy says as she moves aside to let Emma in. I’m not in the mood for company, but I guess I’m left without a choice.
Emma gives me a tentative smile as she comes toward me. She has what looks like a photo album in her hand and a plate of cookies balancing on top. Ashton probably told her about our conversation the other day.
“Hey.”
“Hey, Em.”
“Tan I have a tookie now, Momma?” Charlie asks with a pouty lip and hopeful eyes.
“Just one,” Emma replies, placing the plate down on the coffee table and moving to sit beside me. I maneuver Charlie until she’s back on her feet, and Emma reaches out, resting her hand on my leg. “How are you, Gray?” Dropping my gaze down to my lap, I shrug. “Ashton said you were upset when he came over.”
“Do you blame me? I can’t believe she’s having another man’s baby.”
“What?” Emma screeches.
“He told me Carlee’s pregnant, and about the guy she’s shacked up with.” I swallow back the lump in my throat. I still can’t believe it.
“Ashton told you what? My husband’s such a dick sometimes,” she says, shaking her head. “She’s not pregnant, and there is no other guy.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, sitting up straighter in my chair.
“She took a test while she was at our place, but it was negative. She thought the baby was yours, Gray, that’s why she came here.”
My eyes widen and a small ray of hope bubbles up inside my chest. “Mine?”
“Yes, she told me what happened at the wedding.”
Reaching up, I rub the back of my neck. “I bet she was relieved to find out she wasn’t pregnant.”
“She wasn’t. She broke down when the test came back negative.”
“She did?”
“Uh-huh.”
“And what about the guy she’s supposedly living with?”
“It’s Reece. I’m sure she’s told you about him.”
Reece, Jesus Christ . I didn’t even factor him into the equation. “That’s who she came to the hospital with?”
“Yes.”
“So, they’re not like… together, together ?”
“Eww, no way. He’s like a dad to her, or a big brother at the very least.”
Fucking Ashton .
Emma reaches over, picking up the album she brought with her. “I’m sorry Ashton came over here with his half-ass assumptions. If I’d known what he said to you, I would’ve come sooner. I’m only here today because I want to show you something. Yesterday, we picked up our wedding photos.”
God, please don’t make me sit here and go through this entire album .
She opens it up to a page she’s marked with a long strand of white ribbon. It’s a photo of her and Ashton, they’re gazing into each other’s eyes. The last thing I want to see are images of them all loved up. It feels like salt rubbing into my wound.
“What do you see when you look at this image?”
“I don’t understand what you’re asking.”
“Look at it, really look at it, Gray, at the way I’m looking at Ashton.” She points to her face. “If you had to describe in one word what you see in my eyes, what would it be?”
My eyebrows pinch together. Where is she going with this? I’m not in the mood for this shit. “Love, I guess.” I shrug. “I can see how much you adore him.”
“Bingo,” she says as a huge smile explodes onto her face. “You’re good at this.” What the hell, are we playing games now? I can’t see why she’d think any of this would help. It’s damn depressing, to be honest. “Bear with me.” Emma flips ahead to another page she’s also marked. “Now look at this one.” I intake a sharp breath when I see it’s a photo of me and Carlee when we did the bridal waltz. The image was taken from the side but on an angle so you can see the majority of Carlee’s face. She’s so goddamn beautiful it makes my heart ache. Emma pokes her finger at the picture with enthusiasm. “Look at Carlee’s eyes, Gray. You can see that same look, right?” Fuck me, I can . “She still loves you,” she whispers. “It’s written all over her face.”
I want a copy of this photo. Will I look too needy if I ask for one?
Swallowing, I try to relieve the baseball-size lump that’s now lodged in my throat. “I still love her too, goddammit… shit .” I don’t know why this makes me mad, but suddenly I’m seething. I stand, raking my fingers through my hair. “If what you say is true, why is she doing this to us?”
Emma bows her head. “I wish I knew.”
“She’s never said anything to you? Never given you any indication as to why?” I ask as I start to pace.
“Of course not. I already told you that numerous times.”
I blow out a frustrated breath. “I know… I know, I just thought maybe you were keeping something from me because she’s your best friend.”
“You’re my friend too, Gray,” Emma says, reaching out to grab hold of my hand as I pass in front of her, giving it a light squeeze. “If there was any way I could help fix this, believe me, I would. It kills me to see you both like this. You belong together.”
“You think we belong together?” I ask hopefully, even though I already know it’s the truth. Carlee owns every part of me and that’s why I can’t let go. Ashton may not think so, but I’m glad his wife can see things as clearly as I do.
“There’s not a doubt in my mind.”
I scrub my hand over my face. “I wish I knew what I did wrong, Em, so I can make it right again.”
“If it’s any consolation, I honestly don’t think it’s anything you did. In my opinion, you’re simply collateral damage against the inner war she’s fighting within herself.”
Everything Emma has said since she arrived filters through my mind. And then it hits me like a bolt of lightning. Is it really that simple? Has the answer been staring me in the face this entire time?
“Actually, there is something you can do to help,” I say.
“Name it. ”
“Tell me where Carlee grew up.”
Temecula. That’s all I’ve got, but it’s a start. It’s the closest thing I’ve had to a lead in a long while. Carlee has kept her exact whereabouts a secret from Emma as well, but I’ve now learned she grew up a few hours from here, and if she’s living back with Reece, that may be where I’ll find her.
When I first hired a private detective to help track down Carlee after she disappeared, I ended up feeling like a fool. The woman I loved, the one I’d been engaged to—albeit for only a few hours—was in reality a total mystery to me. I didn’t know her last name, or even where she came from. I knew she grew up in a trailer park, and then moved in with Reece, but I had no clue which town or state.
Her apartment in Gardena wasn’t even under her name. The person who owned it was no help to us either. My guy eventually found him somewhere in Germany, and all he could tell us was he’d leased it out to a friend of a friend. My gut told me there was more to it, but there was nothing I could do to prove it. He was under no obligation to tell us anything. That’s where the trail ran cold. We continued the search, but in the end, it was futile.
Reaching for my phone, I search for the investigator’s number, but I just as quickly change my mind. I might do a little exploring myself first. How many gyms are there in one city? I’m guessing not too many. I open the Safari app on my phone, typing ‘Gyms in Temecula’ into the search bar. I scroll down the list when it appears. Okay, so there’s more than a couple, like a few dozen, but I’ve got nothing better to do. I can knock this over in a few hours.
My stomach churns with nervous anticipation when I click on the call icon at the top listing. “United Fitness, how can I help you?” the girl answers. I immediately know from the sound of her voice it’s not Carlee, but that doesn’t mean she’s not there.
“Hi. I’m actually after Reece, is he available?” Carlee told me he owned the gym when she lived with him, so it makes sense to ask for him first. There’s no guarantee she works there, but if I can find him, there’s a chance it will lead me to her.
“Reece? I’m sorry, there’s nobody working here by that name.” I feel deflated, but this is just the first of many. I can’t give up yet. If I run out of gyms in Temecula, I’ll move on to the ones in the surrounding area. “I’m sorry, I must have the wrong number.”
I hang up and move to the second listing.
By the time I reach number sixteen on the list, I’m starting to lose all hope. “Mind, Body and Soul, Michelle speaking.”
“Hi, Michelle, I was wondering if Reece was available?”
“You’ve just missed him.” My heart starts to thunder in my chest as I sit up straighter.
“Do you know when he’ll be back?”
“He had to run a few errands, I’m guessing an hour or so.”
“What about Carlee, is she around?”
“You’re out of luck again, Carlee doesn’t work here on Wednesdays.”
I fist pump the air, just like Carlee used to do. “Oh. ”
“Can I take a message? I can get Reece to call you back when he gets in.”
“No bother,” I say. “I’ll try again later.”
“Okay.”
“Thanks for your help, Michelle.”
“I wasn’t exactly helpful,” she says with a small laugh.
She was more help than she knows .
“I appreciate it anyway.”
Slouching into the chair, I rest my head on the back of the couch as I end the call. Dropping my cell beside me as I run my hands through my hair, a sense of pure relief settles over me. It’s funny, only a few hours ago I felt like I was in the depths of despair, yet here I am now feeling on top of the world.
I found her.
I fucking found her.
Watch out, sunshine, I’m coming for you.