25. Grayson
Chapter 25
Grayson
I’d planned on heading back home after lunch, but I couldn’t do it. I needed to see Carlee again… those tattoos . They’ve been messing with my head all afternoon. They mean something… those tiny little red hearts just confirm she still loves me. I know she does. She got them after she left. Why else would she permanently ink her body with memories of me if she didn’t?
Somewhere along the way, she became spooked. Why? I have no clue. Was it the proposal? I know we had only been together six months, but when you know, you know, right? She seemed just as happy as me at the time. Or is there something else going on in that crazy head of hers? Maybe her past? The way she’s been treated over the years would fuck with anybody’s head. But I’m not them. I’d never treat her that way.
I intend to get to the bottom of it one way or another. Whatever invisible barriers she’s erected to keep me at arm’s length… they’re coming the fuck down. I’m going to crush them.
After I left Timmy and his grandmother, I went back to the gym where my car was parked and spoke with Reece. I needed to know where Carlee’s other job was, and what time she was getting off.
He invited me up to their apartment for a coffee, and it gave me a tiny insight into the life Carlee’s led since she left. It’s a nice place… homely, but she belongs with me. Not here.
It was midafternoon when I left him, and I still had hours to kill, so I drove around town for ages, trying to wrap my head around all of this. To be honest, it gave me a damn headache.
It was too early to go to her work since Reece said she wouldn’t be getting off until midnight, and I knew sitting still for too long would make me angstier. I needed the distraction.
After what seemed like an eternity of driving around in damn circles, I finally gave in. I’m currently parked outside the bar where she works, waiting for her to finish her shift. It’s risky showing up like this, but I have to see her. I can’t wait another week. I’m already going out of my mind.
I decided not to go inside. After what happened when I unexpectedly turned up at her work when we first met, I knew it was safer to stay out here. I’ll probably lose my shit if I see anyone flirting with her again, and I don’t want to do anything that’s going to blow my chances with her this time round. I’m already walking on shaky ground as it is.
Sliding my phone from my pocket, I check the time. It’s a few minutes past twelve, she should be out soon.
Adjusting my seat back into the upright position, I scan the parking lot. I’ve been out here for hours. I’m not even sure what I’m going to say to her when she comes out, but I hope she gives me a chance. A sliver of hope at the very least… something to reassure me that I’m not wa sting my time by being here. Not that I plan on giving up either way.
My heart rate spikes when the large metal door adjacent to the parking lot suddenly opens. The light streaming from inside the building illuminates Carlee’s small frame as she exits, causing me to release the breath I’m holding. My stomach is tied up in damn knots.
She pauses momentarily, quickly looking from left to right, then slowly moves her gaze around the lot. She appears on edge, and for a moment I contemplate ducking down in my seat so she doesn’t spot me. I doubt she’d even notice me sitting here amongst a sea of other cars. Besides, the tint on my Range Rover is quite dark.
Turning, she tucks her handbag under her arm and hastily starts walking toward the front of the building, glancing back over her shoulder a few times as she goes. It’s like she’s scared someone’s about to step out of the shadows and jump her, which is so unlike the hard-ass I know Carlee to be. It makes me second-guess coming here. Is it me she’s worried about running into?
I’m not even sure where she’s heading. I’ll be pissed if I discover she plans on walking home at this hour. Without giving it much thought, I reach for the door handle. I’m not about to let this opportunity slip through my fingers.
“Carlee,” I call out, just before she rounds the corner and disappears. I notice her body stiffen the moment she hears her name, but she doesn’t look back. I break into a jog as her pace picks up. I catch her in no time. “Hey, wait up.” Reaching out, I gently wrap my hand around her elbow.
The moment I grab her, she swings her body around defensively, ready to attack. I drop my hold and quickly take a step back, raising my hands in front of me .
“Grayson, shit,” she says. “I didn’t realize it was you. You scared the crap out of me.”
My little ninja frightened? That’s new. “Who did you think I was?”
She turns her face away, staring off into the distance, and that’s when I notice she’s shaking. “No one.”
I call bullshit on that. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”
Her eyes dart around briefly before they move back in my direction. “No, but you can’t be here.”
Her words unnerve me. Somethings off. “I wanted to see you… to talk to you.”
“I have nothing to say to you, Grayson.”
“Well, I have plenty to say to you.”
“Can this wait? It’s late and I really should be getting home.”
“Where are you parked?”
She blows out a puff of air, diverting her eyes. “I don’t have a car, I walked.”
Her admission makes my blood pressure rise. “Why don’t you have a car, Carlee?”
“Because I sold my old one, remember… and returned the Mustang.”
“You didn’t have to do that you know.”
Just thinking about the moment I arrived home from our camping trip and found that damn car parked in my driveway has the muscles in my chest tightening. I distinctly remember the relief I’d felt. I thought she was there, and everything that had happened in the hours prior had been a mistake. But instead, it turned out to be the confirmation I’d been dreading. She was gone. She’d left the fucking keys in my mailbox. No note, no further explanation .
“I barely paid back a fraction of what that car was worth.”
“It was never about the money, Carlee. It was my way of keeping you safe. You should’ve kept it.”
“It didn’t feel right.”
“At the very least I would’ve given you back the money you’d paid me if I knew where to fucking find you.” My words come out much harsher than I anticipated, but my wounds are still raw. Her eyes slightly narrow, so I bite the inside of my cheek before I say anything that’s going to escalate into an argument. That’s not why I’m here. “Look, I just want to talk. Can we go somewhere?”
Reaching up she rubs her temples. “I’m tired, Grayson. It’s been a long day.”
“Are you hungry, we could go get some food?”
She gives me a casual shrug. “I skipped breakfast this morning, so I guess I could eat.”
A huge smile bursts onto my face. I know my girl better than she knows herself, and I’m not above using her weakness for food to get some more time with her.
She may be confused, and a little lost right now, but I have enough love for both of us. I always have.
We’re sitting in my car, parked by the curb outside Reece’s gym. She didn’t want to go to a restaurant and eat, preferring a drive-thru burger place instead. I wasn’t fussed about where we went, as long as we were together.
“I know about the baby,” I blurt out .
My statement has her glancing down at her lap and swallowing thickly. “There was no baby,” she clarifies.
I exhale a long breath. “I know, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing that there were.” Her eyes snap back to me and I can see the surprise on her face. Going by what Emma said, she wishes that too.
I reach for her hand, bringing it to my mouth, placing a small kiss on the little red heart tattoo on her palm. I’m yet to query her about them, but I will when the time is right.
“I’ve seen how good you are with those kids in your class. You may not think so, but you’ll make a wonderful mother someday.”
Pulling her hand from mine, she shrugs her shoulder and turns her face to stare out the passenger side window.
I drop my burger into the wrapper that’s spread out on my lap, scrunching it up into a ball. I’ve suddenly lost my appetite. I hate how stilted things have become between us. Every subject I want to discuss only seems to make her clamp up tighter.
“You pushed me away like I meant nothing to you, do you hate me that much?”
She swings her face back in my direction. “I could never hate you, please believe that. You should hate me for the way I’ve treated you though.”
“What I hate is you’re so close I can reach out and touch you, yet you still feel like you’re a million fucking miles away.”
She drops her chin. “I hate that every time I look at you all I can see is the hurt in your eyes… hurt that I put there.”
“Then why did you do it?” Why do you continue to do it I want to add, but I don’t.
“Hurting you is the last thing I wanted. ”
“Then explain why. Help me understand because that’s been the hardest thing for me.”
She glances at me briefly before turning her face away again. Why can’t she just talk to me? Reaching over the center console, I place my hand under her chin, bringing her gaze back to mine.
“Just say the words, I need to hear them. Help me understand what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Yeah, it is. You just open that sweet mouth of yours and speak.”
“I know you want to know why we can’t be together, but trust me when I say you don’t.”
Dropping my hand from her face, I run my fingers exasperatedly through my hair. I’m tired of her deflection. “How can you say that? Do you have any idea how hard the past few years have been for me?”
“There’s no coming back from this, you think the truth will set you free, Grayson? Trust me when I say it won’t. Please, can we just leave the past in the past?”
“Are you kidding me? Stop talking in damn circles.”
“You don’t understand.”
I take a deep breath as the anger rises inside me. “Then help me understand goddamn it.”
“I’m doing this to protect you. Can’t you see that?”
I’m at my wits’ end with this bullshit. Turning my face away from her, I bang my hand down on the steering wheel. “ Don’t … don’t fucking protect me.”
Through my peripheral vision, I see her flinch, so I stop and take a moment, sucking more oxygen into my lungs as I try to calm myself down. Things between us are already fragile. Screaming or scaring her isn’t going to get me anywhere .
“You can’t ask me to do that. I’ll always do what’s best for you, even at the expense of my own happiness… that’s how much you mean to me, Grayson.”
Reaching over, I cup her face. “You can fight this all you want, but I won’t give up on us. You’re what’s best for me. Can’t you see that?”
When tears start to cascade down her cheeks, I draw her closer and wrap her in my arms. Why is she doing this to us? I can see she’s hurting just as much as I am. The scary thing is, the Carlee I used to know, the one with the sassy mouth and feisty spirit, is nowhere to be seen.
I hold her for the longest time as she softly cries into my chest. My mind is spinning with all the possibilities.
What is she hiding?
Why is she so broken?
Drawing back, I place my knuckle under her chin, tilting her face up toward mine. Even with red puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks, she’s still the most beautiful thing in the world.
My eyes scan over her face, finally landing on her lips. “I want to kiss you,” I admit. “Are you going to let me?” Once upon a time, I wouldn’t have even asked, I’d just take what I wanted and she’d give me her all, but sadly we’re not that couple anymore.
My hand moves up to cup her cheek. Leaning forward, I place a soft kiss on her forehead, followed by one on her cute little nose, right over those sweet thirteen freckles that I’ve missed. “Don’t make me beg.”
She releases a breathy sigh as her eyelids flutter closed. “You’re crazy,” she whispers.
My lips move down to the corner of her mouth, where I lay another kiss before moving to the other side. I draw back slightly so I can see her face. “Yes, I am, I’m crazy about you. ”
A smile tugs at her lips. My face inches back toward hers, giving her ample opportunity to pull away, but to my relief she stays put, even tilting her head back slightly, giving me better access to her delicious mouth.
Our lips are now joined, but I make no move to take the kiss further. What I want to do is devour her mouth until she’s breathless, but for now, this small connection is enough.
The fact that she’s even letting me just confirms everything I believe… I still have a chance. Carlee is not the type of person who can be forced into doing anything she doesn’t want to.
Reluctantly, I eventually draw back, resting my forehead against hers. I take a moment to breathe in her air, reveling in the knowledge that after all this time she’s here… with me .
After a few moments, I clear my throat and force myself to sit back in my seat. I can see the confusion on her face as my eyes take her in. She was expecting more from me, and she has no idea how hard it is to take things slow. But good things come to those who wait, and the reward in the end will be worth it.
“I’ll see you next Saturday.”
There’s so much more I want to say… to do, but baby steps are what I need here. I’m proud of myself for showing such restraint, because every second I’m in her presence, I’m battling my self-control.
“Okay,” she says, and I can hear the surprise in her voice. She gathers up her trash and reaches for the bag that she’d placed on the floor. She gives me one last look over her shoulder as she exits the car.
“Carlee.”
“Yeah?”
“Can I see you after class next week? I know you have work in the afternoon, but I’d like to spend some time with you before you go. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give.”
“I’ll see what I can work out,” she says, giving me a small smile before she closes the door and turns toward the gym.
I wait until she’s safely inside before I start the engine. It almost kills me to drive away, leaving her behind, but I’ll be back next week, she can count on that.