26. Carlee
Chapter 26
Carlee
The week goes by agonizingly slow, but when Saturday finally arrives, so do the nerves. Although I’m worried about what the implications of having Grayson around may bring, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t eager to see him again today. He’s been consuming my thoughts all week. I even changed my shift with one of the girls at the bar so I could start later.
Grayson said he wants to spend time with me, and I want that too. So damn much. Granted I’m scared, but there’s been no ramifications since his last visit. Am I pushing it? Possibly, but I’m not ready to let him go yet. His mere presence gives me life.
I venture downstairs earlier than usual with a tiny pep in my step. I’m secretly hoping he’s already here, so I can spend some alone time with him before the other students arrive, but when I reach the main floor, I don’t find him anywhere.
Pushing down my disappointment, I head toward the mats piled up by the far wall and start laying them out on the floor.
By the time the first of my students roll in, there’s still no sign of Grayson. It has me on edge. Has he changed his mind? Given the circumstances, I should be relieved, but I’m not.
Internally, I’m so messed up. I’ve been yearning for this man for what feels like forever, it’s hard to let that go, even though in my heart I know I have to.
“Miss Carlee,” a small voice says, tugging on the leg of my pants, pulling me out of my daze. I look down and see Timmy staring up at me. “Is Gray here yet?”
“Gray?”
“You know Grayson. He told me to call him Gray because we’re friends now.”
“No, not yet, but I’m happy to hear you two are friends, Grayson’s a good guy.” Reaching down, I ruffle his hair.
“I know, he’s the best.”
Yeah, kid, he is .
I delay starting the class for as long as I can, but as the minutes tick by, and the kids become rowdier, I gather them in a circle, ready to bow in.
Plastering a smile on my face, I try not to let my disappointment show.
This is what I wanted right?
We are twenty minutes into the class when I look up and catch Grayson walking through the front door. Every head in the vicinity swings in his direction. He’s a man who can’t help garnering attention wherever he goes. He has this presence about him.
His gaze, however, immediately zeroes in on me, and my heart does a silly little flip-flop. That beautiful smile, the one that ignites that ridiculously gorgeous face of his, is present. It makes me feel giddy inside.
Punctuality is everything in this class. It’s a major component of the discipline we try and instill in the kids. I’m sure Grayson has a good reason though. He has a long way to travel… maybe he caught traffic or had car troubles. None of that matters now.
He’s here.
He came.
And that little zing coursing through my body, the one only he can bring, lights me up from the inside out.
“Are you going to tell me why you were late this morning?” I ask once we’ve taken a seat in one of the booths toward the rear of the café.
I purposely led him back here, not because I wanted the privacy, but because it would be near impossible for anyone walking past to see us through the window. Being here is risky, I should’ve chosen somewhere far, far away. My gut screams I’m taking too many chances, but my heart is giving the rest of my body a big fuck you. When Grayson is near, nothing else seems to matter.
“I got into town earlier than last week,” he answers as his eyes scan over my face. “I was eager to see you again. Today couldn’t have come fast enough.” He chuckles slightly as he reaches across the table and links his pinky finger with mine.
It’s the barest touch, but the electric current that it evokes has tingles shooting up my arm. It was like the kiss he’d given me last week. Just a simple union of our mouths pressed together, a pale comparison to the all-consuming passion we once shared, but it was enough to awaken something deep inside of me. A part that’s laid dormant for far too long.
“When I stopped off to grab us a coffee this morning, you’ll never believe who I ran into.”
I inhale a sharp breath as my entire body goes rigid. Oh God, no . I knew this would happen; I knew it .
He opens his mouth to continue and my eyes are silently pleading with him to stop. Please don’t say it… please don’t. I know exactly where this conversation is heading. Bile rises in the back of my throat, and sheer panic takes over as I brace myself for the clusterfuck that’s about to unfold. The next thing out of his mouth has me feeling faint.
“My Uncle Jason,” he says, beaming. “Can you believe it? He laughed at me when I told him I was taking your little ninja class as a way to win you back.”
The world around me stops as the realization settles in. Everything I’ve done over the past few years… all the heartache, has been for nothing . He continues talking, but his words don’t register.
Fuck .
I feel my body sway in my seat.
“Shit, Carlee, are you okay? All the color has drained from your face.”
My hand is trembling as I reach for my phone that’s lying face down on the table. “I need to go.”
“Carlee, wait.” I stand, and Grayson follows. “Did I say something to upset you?” The poor clueless fool has no idea what he’s done.
When my phone vibrates, I hesitantly turn my hand over so I can see the screen. The moment I read the text message that just came through, I’m consumed with dread.
Unknown: I warned you! He’s next.
I do the only thing I can in this moment, I turn and flee.
I vaguely hear Grayson calling my name as I rush for the exit and race toward the gym. Thankfully, it’s less than a block away. I’m sprinting so fast, I make it there in no time.
Bursting through the front doors, I go straight to the reception desk. “I need Reece’s car keys,” I say to Michelle, holding out my shaky hand. “Hurry, it’s an emergency.”
“Is everything alright, you’re trembling?”
“Just give me the damn keys,” I snap. I’ve never spoken to her so harshly before, but she has no idea how dire this situation is.
“Fine, geez,” she says, retrieving them out of the top drawer and handing them over. “Are you sure you’re okay? Do you want me to get Reece?”
“There’s no time, I have to go now… I need to check on my mom.”
“Your mom?” I hear her screech as I run back outside to where Reece’s car is parked.
That message came from an unknown number, it could’ve been sent to me by mistake. A bizarre coincidence possibly, but in my heart, I know it’s not. I know exactly where it came from.
“Carlee, wait,” I hear Grayson call out from somewhere behind me, but I ignore him as I unlock the driver’s side door and climb inside. My fingers fumble with the key as I desperately try to slide it into the ignition.
Glancing over my shoulder to make sure it’s clear, I don’t even indicate as I pull out of the car space and do a U-turn, zooming in the direction of the trailer park .
Pure terror is surging through me by the time I arrive; I’m not even sure how I got here in one piece.
I drive down the long dirt path that leads toward the place where I grew up. I’m going so fast, that thick clouds of dirt engulf the rear of the car, blocking my view through the back windscreen. I’m unsure if Grayson followed me here, but that’s the least of my worries right now. Unless the monster is still here.
Shit . Could this be a trap?
I push that alarming thought from my mind. My only concern right now is the welfare of my mother, I’ll deal with the rest, if and when, I have to.
It’s been years since I’ve been back here, and that thought fills me with regret. Despite everything Roxy has put me through, a part of me still loves her. She’s my mom, she gave me life.
Granted there have been times I’ve wanted to strangle her with my bare hands, but there’s also been moments when I’ve just wanted to hug her. To tell her she deserves so much more than the life she was handed.
In hindsight, kicking me out was the best thing she could’ve ever done for me. It may not have felt like it at the time, but it gave me a chance… a future, which is something she never got. She was a product of her environment, and although she could have done better for herself, the reality is she didn’t know any different.
I skid to a stop by the front porch, throwing more dust and debris into the atmosphere. I’ve already removed my seat belt.
Reaching for the door handle, I leap out of the vehicle. The lot is eerily quiet. The only thing I can hear is the thump, thump, thumping sound of my blood gushing through my ears.
This place is more rundown than I remember .
Dashing up the stairs, I fling open the screen, clutching the door handle and turning it back and forth… it’s locked. Damn. Clenching my hands into fists, I start beating on the wood. It’s so old and ratty, I’m surprised it doesn’t splinter from the sheer gravity of my blows.
“Roxy,” I call out. “Roxy, open up.”
My throat gets tight, and I can feel the tears burning the back of my eyes. No, no, no. Please tell me I’m not too late, please God, let this be a sick joke.
I move around to the side of the trailer, grabbing a discarded bucket that lies on its side by the tap. I flip it over to use as a makeshift footstep, it elevates me high enough so I can peer through the kitchen window.
My heart drops the moment her body comes into view. She’s lying face down on the shitty carpet; there have been many occasions over the years where I’ve found her passed out, just like this, but my gut tells me this is not one of those times.
“Roxy!” I frantically bang on the glass. “Mom. Mom. Mom,” I scream.
Jesus.
When I see no movement, I jump down and rush toward the back of the trailer where my old bedroom is. Sliding off the screen, I lay my palms flat on the glass, pushing the window to the side.
The lock’s been broken for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, it’s how I got in and out of here when I was too scared to use the front door.
It feels like déjà vu at its worst as I hoist my body up, wiggling through the small opening. Too many years have passed since I’ve done this, and I’m not that small, agile girl anymore. I never thought I’d come back here, especially under these circumstances.
Once I’m half in, I extend my arms, placing my hands on the floor, using them as a brace as I pull the rest of my body inside. I land on the ground with a thud, but I ignore the sharp pain shooting down my arm.
Springing to my feet, I stumble as I race into the main room, ignoring the stench and dodging the squalor that’s become her home.
“Roxy,” I cry as I drop to my knees beside her motionless body.
A strangled sob permeates from somewhere in the back of my throat when I grip her shoulder, shaking her. “Mom, wake up.” Even through her clothes, I can feel how deathly cold she is.
Adrenaline is coursing through me as I maneuver her onto her back. As soon as I get a good look at her face… her blue lips… the lifeless eyes staring back at me, I lose it. I know it’s a sight that will haunt me forever.
Burying my face in her chest, I start to weep, allowing myself a brief moment to grieve.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. I don’t have the luxury of time to fully comprehend the gravity of my loss, I guess that will come later.
After the hell on earth she lived, it kills me to know she died like this… all alone , and at the hands of a man who’s probably the only person she ever truly loved.
At a glance, you’d surmise that her death was self-inflicted… an overdose. The needle is still lodged deeply in her flesh in the crook of her elbow, but the faint bruises on her jaw, cheek, and around her neck tell an entirely different story. I guess he decided to rough her up before administering the final blow… a lethal injection .
She’s a junkie, and well known by law enforcement around these parts, he probably thought they wouldn’t question her death, just another wasted life, but I know better, and he won’t get away with this. I’ve let this man, and his past actions, rule my life for far too long.
Drawing back, I briskly wipe the tears from my face and take a deep breath, trying to compose myself. After removing the needle, I place one hand on top of the other, over my mother’s breastbone, and start counting down in my head.
“Carlee,” I hear Reece call out moments before he starts bashing on the front door. Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen … I continue my compressions. “Carlee, open up.”
“Reece, help,” I scream, but I can’t stop what I’m doing, I just can’t .
I don’t even flinch when the front door flies right off its hinges, barely missing me as it crashes to the floor. My eyes snap in his direction as I continue to push on my mother’s chest. My head tells me I’m wasting my time trying to revive her because she’s long gone, but my heart is willing me to keep going.
Reece rushes toward me, and I see Grayson only a few steps behind. “She’s not breathing.”
“Let me see,” Reece says, gently moving me out of the way. If anyone can help her, he can.
He got all of the staff to learn first aid after one of our clients collapsed in the middle of circuit training from a massive heart attack last year. He started working on him straight away, keeping him alive until the paramedics arrived. He saved that man’s life; I pray he can do the same for Roxy.
He checks all her vitals, which is something I didn’t do, and when his tormented eyes move back to me, something deep inside me shatters.
“There’s nothing I can do,” he says. “She’s gone, Carlee. Who knows how many drugs are in her system.”
“No.” I shove him out of the way as I resume my compressions. “Wake up, Roxy, please … please don’t leave me,” I beg.
Tears are streaming down my face as I frantically try to bring her back. I’m racked with guilt; I should’ve protected her . She needed me and I let her down.
Reece makes no move to stop me, even if my efforts are futile, he probably knows I need to do this, and I respect him for that.
Eventually, my arms fall limp by my sides. “I’m sorry, Mom,” I whisper, choking on a sob. “I’m so sorry.”
My head drops forward as two strong hands wrap around my waist, lifting me to my feet.
“Carlee,” Grayson murmurs, turning me in his arms and crushing me to him. “This isn’t your fault.”
Balling my hands into fists, I start to pound on his chest. Deep down I know this isn’t his doing, but I’m not thinking rationally in this moment.
“You shouldn’t have come here.”
“Carlee,” he says, wrapping his fingers around my wrists, halting my blows. “When you ran out of the café, I knew something was wrong. I had to come.”
“Not here… Temecula. Near me!” I scream. “I said you couldn’t be here, but you didn’t listen. Why didn’t you listen?” I shove his chest, and he stumbles back. Clutching my middle, I bend myself in half, my body racking as I completely break down. “He said he’d kill her if I didn’t stop seeing you.”
“What?” I hear both Reece and Grayson say in unison.
Ignoring them, I drop to my knees, completely overcome with grief.
It’s been years since I’ve spoken to my mother, choosing instead to hold a grudge for every poor choice she’s made, and now I’ll never get the chance to make things right between us.
Grayson crouches down in front of me, gently lifting my face to meet his. “Who threatened to kill her?” he asks. I clench my eyes closed because I can’t do this. “Look at me, sweetheart. I need you to stay with me.”
His words are spoken so softly, so sweetly, my eyelids immediately flutter open. There’s no point in hiding it now, at the very least I need to warn him… I can’t lose him too. “Bobby.”
“Bobby?”
I nod my head.
“Who the fuck is Bobby?” Reece snaps.
“One of Carlee’s mom’s exes,” Grayson answers, never taking his eyes off me. The anguish on his face is profound. “Why would he warn you to stay away from me, Carlee? It doesn’t make sense. I don’t even know this guy.”
I swallow thickly, trying to get air into my lungs. “I found out a few years ago his real name isn’t Bobby,” I whisper.
“What is it?” he asks.
I turn my head to the side, gazing at the wall. I can’t bear to see the look on his face when he learns the truth. “It’s Jason.”
“Jason?”
“Your uncle,” I confess.
His body jerks back and he intakes a sharp breath. My mind flashes back to that day at the cabin, to the moment when my past collided with my future, and my life as I knew it fell apart.