Chapter 7
7
‘I’ll have a rum and Coke – make it a double. Hang on, make it two – doubles, that is. Did you want anything?’ Kate asked, turning to look at Joel.
‘Just a water, thanks. Don’t you think perhaps you should have water too?’
‘Didn’t you hear the girl with the pink hair? FREE DRINKS, she said. I can get water any time I like. Water for the fitness guru here, please; he needs to rehydrate after all that excitement with the golden egg,’ Kate spoke to the barman.
‘I think you drink too much,’ Joel told her bluntly.
‘I’m not paying you to have an opinion,’ Kate retorted, eagerly waiting for her drink.
‘Just an observation.’
‘Well, I don’t want you to have any of those either. We don’t have to pretend we’re a couple now. Miranda and Frank and anyone else it matters to are sat out there,’ Kate reminded him.
‘Why does it matter to you that they believe you have a boyfriend?’ Joel wanted to know.
‘Rum and Coke, my best friends! And a water for you. Cheers, bottoms up and all that,’ Kate spoke as the drinks arrived and she immediately began to drink her glass dry .
‘You shouldn’t need someone on your arm to make you feel adequate, particularly if it’s only for the benefit of other people,’ Joel spoke, leaning on the bar.
‘I don’t need someone on my arm; the Lady Dragon set me a challenge. She insisted I brought someone to this function and I didn’t want to stick out like a sore thumb by not bringing anyone so I bought you. Anyway, isn’t it people feeling inadequate for being single that keeps you in business?’ Kate asked.
‘Not at all. Most of my clients are businesswomen who don’t have time or the need to form a relationship; they just like a bit of male company every now and then. I don’t think that’s you.’
‘Why not? I’m a businesswoman, I didn’t have time to find a date for tonight and I don’t need a relationship. I’ve just got rid of one piece of deadwood I don’t need to look for any more. I have Bethan,’ Kate reminded him.
‘Fair enough,’ Joel responded, sipping his water.
‘What about you? Do you have time to form a relationship when you’re taking desperate businesswomen out to dinner?’ Kate asked, beginning to drink the second rum.
‘No and I’m too busy perfecting my biceps in any spare time I get,’ Joel answered quickly.
‘That reeks of someone with a relationship hang up. Now do you have a wandering eye or do you just find it hard to trust?’ Kate asked mockingly.
‘Neither actually, it’s just not every woman chooses a tiger as their favourite member of the cat family,’ Joel replied.
‘So you do escorting for your bit of female company.’
‘Well, it’s always entertaining and you never know quite what you’re going to get. ’
‘So do you have “regulars” like Jonny?’ Kate asked, drinking more alcohol and enjoying the burn on the back of her throat.
‘Jonny?’
‘Apparently, he’s Libby’s very special friend.’
‘I see two women regularly, about twice a month; they’ve been clients for just over a year.’
‘God, where do you go? What are they like?’
‘I can’t tell you details; it’s confidential,’ Joel replied.
‘Come on, I don’t want their names; I’m just intrigued. Do they wine and dine you? Do they take you to the opera? Do you have to take their coats on and off and open doors? Do you have to call them Hot Lips?’ Kate rambled.
‘One woman wanted me to call her Evita once. She had a bit of a musical theatre obsession. But her real name was Rita so trying to remember to call her Evita – well, it fell apart altogether when I ended up calling her Ryvita,’ Joel informed her with a smile.
‘No!’ Kate exclaimed and laughed out loud, making other people in the green room look up from what they were doing.
Joel laughed with her. He had a nice laugh. It made his whole face crinkle up.
‘I haven’t been on a date since my husband left me,’ Kate spoke heavily.
‘You told me.’
‘I don’t want to, you know, because I don’t think I should, with Bethan. But other people seem to think I should want to and they want me to. Hermione, she’s Bethan’s childminder, and my friend, she is so desperate for me to “move on”. She keeps trying to push men in front of me at every opportunity and I don’t think I’m ready for that. Besides, the men she lines up, well, they’re either Morris dancers from one of the folk fairs she’s done tarot readings at, or it’s one of Philip’s archaeological friends from the university and I don’t do relics of any kind; I mean, I can’t even stand Time Team ,’ Kate explained.
‘I don’t know anything about having children but I really don’t think you should let go of who you are as an individual just because you have someone relying on you.’
‘Goodness, those sound like wise words coming from a personal trainer.’
‘Actually, besides the biceps, I have four A-levels and a degree.’
Kate looked at Joel, astounded. He couldn’t be clever and that good-looking; it wasn’t legal, was it? Perhaps in the pages of Mills and Boon but not in real life surely!
‘Appearances can be deceptive. You shouldn’t judge every book you meet by its cover. I’m a personal trainer because I enjoy it, not because I’m a fitness freak who’s academically challenged,’ Joel replied.
‘Now I’m feeling very stupid,’ Kate answered, draining the contents of her glass.
‘It’s fine. I know most people book me because of how I look; that’s all part and parcel of the job. And I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t flattering.’
‘But if you’re so qualified, why do you do the escorting? You could work part-time doing personal training and part-time doing something that would use your skills and challenge you,’ Kate suggested.
‘Maybe I don’t want that,’ Joel responded coolly.
‘Goodness, if I had four A-levels and a degree, I would be ruling the world by now.’
‘You don’t know that. Just because you have something doesn’t mean using it is the right thing to do.’
‘Are we having a debate? I don’t think I’ve ever had a debate with anyone before,’ Kate remarked.
‘No, we definitely aren’t. Conversation closed,’ Joel replied, drinking some of his water .
‘So am I the best date you’ve had this month? Don’t think too hard about the answer; I need a confidence boost,’ Kate spoke.
‘You’re probably the most bizarre date I’ve had since Ryvita,’ Joel answered.
‘What do you think I should do about dating then? To date or not to date? That is the question,’ Kate spoke, picking up Joel’s water glass and drinking from it.
‘If you don’t think you’re ready to date again, don’t let anyone else make the decision for you, no matter how well-meaning they are,’ Joel replied.
‘Hermione is quite difficult to sidestep when she’s fully loaded with good intention.’
‘And as for Miranda, I think you need to stop worrying about what she thinks. She’s one of those people who needs to be admired all the time. She has major confidence issues; she’s not someone to be intimidated by. And as well as all that, I’m convinced she wears a wig,’ Joel informed her.
Kate almost spat out the water she had in her mouth. She hurriedly managed to swallow and take a breath of air and then gasped out loud.
‘What?’
‘I’m sure that mane of blonde hair is a wig. A good wig mind you, well made and expensive, but I’m pretty sure it’s fake,’ Joel repeated.
‘No, it can’t be. I mean, you should see how much she flicks it around at work; it’s her signature move: the Hair Toss. That’s what she does; that’s who she is,’ Kate explained, picturing Miranda swishing and sweeping the blonde locks around.
‘Well, as I said, not absolutely positive, but pretty sure. One of my regulars wears a wig, I would never have known if she hadn’t told me, but now I can spot one a mile off, even a good one. It’s all about the rise and fall,’ Joel responded .
‘No, it can’t be. I mean…’ Kate began, still re-running Miranda’s hair flick in her mind.
‘Ooooooooooo!’
The loud squeal was accompanied by Becky suddenly appearing and starting to jump up and down in front of them like an excited rabbit. Her pink hair swung about wildly and her hand clapped against her clipboard.
‘I’ve just been told you’re through!’ she shrieked at the top of her voice and she threw her arms around Kate excitedly, almost bowling her over.
‘What?’ Kate questioned, a shiver running over her as she tried to detach the girl.
‘You’re through to the next round; you came second. Come on, quick, quick, we need you back on stage after the commercial break with Hayley and Anthony. Oh this is so exciting, didn’t you do well?’ Becks said happily, sounding more and more like Bruce Forsyth by the second.
‘Jesus, I don’t believe it. I don’t want to go back on the stage. This whole thing is completely ridiculous,’ Kate said and she picked up an abandoned glass of wine from the bar and downed it in one go.
‘Even the Love Dove?’ Joel asked.
‘Especially the Love Dove, although he was infinitely more skilled than the presenter with much better hair – well, feathers – well, you know,’ Kate remarked.
‘Kate! Joel! Come on, we need to be quick; you’ll have to jog,’ Becky shouted from the exit to the stage.
‘Jog? Is she kidding? In these shoes?’ Kate asked, picking up another abandoned drink and beginning to drink it.
‘Come on. Let’s see it through,’ Joel suggested and he took the glass out of her hand and replaced it on the bar.
‘I’ve never liked limelight and I’m not warming to it,’ Kate responded, reluctantly following him towards the door .
‘Do it for Frank; it looked like he was having a ball out in the audience and his wife is ill,’ Joel reminded.
‘It’s an ingrown toenail, not a life-threatening disease.’
They arrived backstage and stood next to Hayley and Anthony. They were a tangerine-tanned couple who looked like they had spent the last ten years of their lives on a sun bed. They were dressed all in white, making them look all the more orange and both of them had an abundance of curly hair. Anthony’s made him look like Graeme Souness and Hayley’s was more like Barbra Streisand.
‘Right, now in a second, Larry will announce you and you’ll be back on stage for the final surprise!’ Becky said, doing a mini-jump on the spot.
‘Surprise? Oh, what is it? Oh Anthony, what do you think it is?’ Hayley began to gabble in an Australian accent, her curly hair bobbing up and down.
‘I don’t know, sweetheart but it sounds exciting,’ he responded in an equally thick drawl.
They sounded like they had just stepped off the tarmac of Ramsay Street.
‘You won’t be disappointed but I can’t say any more; it’s just seconds away!’ Becky said, her eyes wide.
‘I can hardly contain myself,’ Kate muttered.
Her head was beginning to pound with both the stress and the alcohol she had consumed in such a short space of time.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, we have our two winning couples; please welcome back to the stage, Hayley and Anthony and Kate and Joel!’ Larry’s voice boomed through the PA system.
Joel took hold of Kate’s hand and they followed the Australian couple onto the stage to again be blinded by the lights and Larry’s silver suit .
From the audience, Miranda let out a loud shriek of almost genuine appreciation, Colin started bellowing and thumping his chest like an aroused baboon and Frank Peterson was clapping and yelling, ‘Bravo’ at every opportunity. Kate screwed up her eyes and tried to scrutinise Miranda’s hair as she flicked it around in Colin’s face, but the lights in the room were too bright and trying to stare over them was hurting her eyes.
The Love Dove came up behind Kate and tickled her side with its wing. She span around and glared at it. The bird feigned chuckling, its wing over its beak and moved along the stage to Larry where it collected two glittering envelopes.
‘Couples, as our winners tonight, not only have you won yourselves passes through to the regional finals next month; you have also won the contents of one of these envelopes that Lovey is carrying. Both contain super prizes but one is a little bit extra special. So Lovey, do your little dance, spin yourself around and then we will give our winners Hayley and Anthony first choice,’ Larry spoke.
Loud dance music began and the dove jigged up and down, shook its tail feathers and crossed and uncrossed its legs. It was all a bit pointless as the envelopes it was carrying under each wing never altered. Now really feeling the effects of all the alcohol she had consumed during the evening, Kate let out a laugh at the desperation of the whole event.
‘So Hayley and Anthony, which wing?’ Larry questioned in a serious voice, turning to the curly-haired duo.
‘Oh Anthony, what do you think? Left has always been lucky for you and we live on the left-hand side of the street, don’t we? What do you think?’ Hayley questioned her partner seriously.
Kate couldn’t help herself; she was overcome. She burst out laughing at the woman’s stupidity and had to grab hold of Joel for support as she rocked on her high-heeled shoes.
‘Are you OK?’ he questioned, holding onto her hand.
‘Is she insane? Left-hand side of the street?!’ Kate said out loud, holding her sides as she laughed hysterically.
Hayley and Anthony gave Kate a short look of bemusement and then went back to concentrating their efforts on the Love Dove, who was flapping his wings in a frenzied fashion.
‘Do you want to sit down?’ Joel whispered.
‘No I want to see what’s in the envelope. Hurry up and choose, will you!’ Kate ordered the other couple.
‘We’ll have the envelope under the left wing,’ Anthony decided finally.
‘Left wing Lovey, bring it here, lovely, thank you. OK, drum roll please – Hayley and Anthony, you have won – a voucher valid for twelve months for food from the Highbridge branch of Chunky Chicken. Yes, nuggets, strips, wings, chips and sides will all be yours on presentation of your voucher. Meals are limited to two main meals or one mega deal per week, other terms and conditions apply. Congratulations!’ Larry exclaimed, passing the envelope to the Australians.
Hayley squealed excitedly and wrapped her arms around her partner, almost knocking him over.
‘Give me the other envelope; what have we won? A twelve-month voucher for the off-licence would be good, no limitations,’ Kate spoke loudly.
‘Lovey, pass me the envelope under your right wing and let’s see what Kate and Joel have won. Drum roll please,’ Larry ordered as the lights dimmed.
Kate’s mouth felt dry as she almost eagerly watched the host rip open the envelope and pull out what was inside .
‘Kate and Joel, you have won – a weekend in the romance lodge when we take the competition to the next stage in Bournemouth. Yes, you will spend a weekend of luxury in your own log cabin complete with sauna and hot tub when we take over the Waterfield Country Park next month. This includes full use of all the facilities including pool, steam room, gymnasium, horse riding, archery, to name but a few. Relax in comfort and style, courtesy of Waterfield Country Park and our sponsors, Peterson Finance,’ Larry announced to the room as everyone began applauding.
Larry handed the envelope to Kate and immediately, she began to laugh hysterically, unable to hold herself together any longer. She threw her arms around Joel and then felt the urge to be sick overwhelm her.
‘I don’t feel very well,’ she admitted as her face drained of colour.
‘Come on, let’s get you home,’ Joel said, holding her up and helping her to the side of the stage.
‘I think there was something wrong with your water; I shouldn’t have drunk it. Water on its own doesn’t agree with me,’ Kate informed him as they walked.
‘I’m sure that must have been it,’ Joel agreed.