Chapter 17
17
The memo was on her desk when she arrived at work the following Wednesday.
Kate
I wondered if you had considered the possibility of taking the exam to convert from legal executive to solicitor. As a firm, we will be looking to change our management structure over the next five years and this qualification may be of benefit to you when the plans are implemented.
Let me know your thoughts.
Colin
‘Told you, didn’t I? Told you you’d get a memo,’ Lynn spoke, leaning over Kate’s chair and reading it again.
‘I still don’t believe it. I mean, why me? Jenny’s been here longer and what Carol doesn’t know about Probate isn’t worth knowing,’ Kate spoke, staring at the piece of paper .
‘Duh! Because you’re the best at your job: all the fiddly, technical stuff and everything, all the clients like you – need I go on?’
‘You’re making me sound like Wonder Woman – I like it,’ Kate answered with a smile.
‘So did you want me to draft a reply?’
‘No! I mean, I don’t know what I’m going to say yet. I don’t know if I’m going to do it.’
‘What?! You have to do it! Think of the wonga! If you get made a partner, you’ll be on megabucks,’ Lynn exclaimed.
‘D’you think? I mean, I have no idea how much they earn.’
‘Try at least sixty k a year, company car and profit share.’
‘How do you know all this?’
‘I talk to all the right people; you’d be amazed how much us secretaries know. Mere typists we are not,’ Lynn answered with a smug smile.
‘You’re frightening me again,’ Kate replied.
‘I’m always doing that with Darren. I know more about his regiment than he does. The wives are really the ones with their fingers on the pulse.’
‘How is Darren now? I mean, I know he isn’t OK but, is he – you know – OK-ish?’ Kate enquired, turning to face her colleague.
‘You mean, has he got used to having half an arm? No, not really, but then it hasn’t been that long: just over six months. His doctor says they can try and fit a state of the art hand thing in a few weeks but Darren’s as pessimistic as ever,’ Lynn told her.
‘Does he ever talk to you about the Army – you know, what went on over there?’
‘Goodness, no! He doesn’t talk to me about anything like that, never has. It’s a job to get out of him what he wants for tea, let alone anything about roadside bombs. He saw a counsellor a couple of times after it happened but that just seemed to make him angry.’
‘Oh.’
‘Why d’you ask?’
‘No reason really. Well, it’s just Joel was in the Army, in Afghanistan. He doesn’t like talking about it and I just wondered if it was the same with Darren.’
‘Yep, the same, although I’m not sure it has anything to do with the Army or getting blown up; I think it’s just a bloke thing,’ Lynn spoke, carrying on tapping on Kate’s computer.
‘Yes, right, of course, probably.’
‘So, you tell me which company car you’re going to have – apparently, there’s a choice of three. Me, I’d plump for the Audi,’ Lynn replied with a smile.
‘Oh Lynn, I don’t know,’ Kate responded, picking up the memo and looking at it again.
‘What’s there to think about? They want you to do it, they think you’re more than capable and it would be loads more dosh than you’re on now. Think of what you could buy for Bethan; no more shopping at Mothercare, it would be Laura Ashley all the way,’ Lynn remarked.
‘Yes, I guess it would and believe me, I need the money. I just don’t know whether I’m really capable of doing it,’ Kate replied with a sigh.
‘Of course you are! No self-belief, that’s your trouble.’
‘I have to warn you, Hermione doesn’t ever do things by halves. She will probably have laid on a Knowing Me Knowing You style banquet with heart shaped tofu cutlets or something,’ Kate spoke as she and Joel approached the front door of the Wyatt’s home.
‘Great, I love tofu. ’
‘This from the man who took me to the Ranch House, I don’t believe it. But then again, you are health conscious and tofu is low in fat, so I’ve heard.’
‘I like a lot of different things.’
‘I’ll remember that,’ Kate spoke and she rang on the doorbell.
There was the sound of giggling coming from inside the house and then heavy padding down the hallway. The door swung open and Kate gasped out loud as she was greeted by a seven foot chicken.
‘Oh my God,’ she remarked, putting her hands to her mouth as the chicken began to flap its wings and strut around the hallway, making pecking motions with its head.
‘You were right about them not doing things by halves,’ Joel remarked, stifling a laugh as the chicken began to shake his tail feathers at them.
‘Ah, Kate and Joel, our lovely contestants, everything is arranged. First, we eat, then we play,’ Hermione spoke, appearing from the kitchen dressed in a silver, sequined jacket and black trousers, her hair gelled back flat to her head.
‘I’m taking it that’s supposed to be the Love Dove?’ Kate queried as Philip, the wearer of the chicken suit, shook a wing in her direction.
‘Yes, sweetie. Do you know how hard it is to get hold of a dove outfit? Come on, come in, come and sit down, before the heart-shaped steak and kidney puddings are overcooked,’ Hermione spoke, her voice leaving the realms of Larry Rawlins and returning to normal.
‘Told you,’ Kate said to Joel.
‘Er no, you definitely said tofu.’
‘Can I take the head off now? Just for a bit, it’s hot in here,’ Philip called from beneath the feathers.
Hermione had made steak and kidney pudding, mange tout and dauphinoise potatoes with a beetroot sauce.
‘This is wonderful food, Hermione,’ Joel remarked as he poured Kate another glass of wine and then added to his own.
‘Thank you. I wasn’t quite sure how the sauce would turn out, but it was red and we were going for a red hearts and flowers theme.’
‘It’s very nice,’ Kate agreed.
‘Much better than a microwave meal,’ Joel added.
‘Ah but have you tasted the Asda mushroom risotto?’
‘Thankfully, no.’
‘That’s enough sparring at my dinner table; aren’t you two supposed to be madly in love?’ Hermione ticked off.
‘Oh yes, almost forgot that,’ Kate answered.
‘So Joel, what do you do? For a living, I mean?’ Philip asked, having no idea and receiving a kick under the table from his wife.
‘Oh let me tell him, see if I can get through the timeline,’ Kate spoke hurriedly.
‘By all means, the floor’s all yours,’ Joel agreed.
‘OK. Joel works at Highbridge Leisure Centre, he’s been there for eighteen months or so and he has a qualification in sports science, amongst other things. He’s been in the Army, he’s done underwear modelling and he was the face of Francois, which was a French aftershave, now discontinued,’ Kate reeled off.
‘How do you know that? I never admitted to the aftershave advertising,’ Joel exclaimed.
‘It’s amazing what turns up when you Google. So how did I do?’ Kate asked, eating more food.
‘I’m impressed,’ Joel admitted.
‘Where did you meet?’ Hermione suddenly barked across the table, like an officer from the Gestapo .
‘At the leisure centre, when I took Bethan swimming,’ Kate replied quickly, feeling the scrutiny in her friend’s eyes.
‘What size shirt does he wear?’ Another question was fired.
‘Oh, erm, a fifteen?’
‘Shoe size?’
‘Erm, I don’t know, nine?’
‘Side of bed he sleeps on?’
‘Mione! I have no idea!’ Kate shrieked.
‘Joel, what dress size is Kate?’ Hermione continued.
‘Mione, they don’t ask questions like that! You saw the show; it’s mostly scenario based,’ Kate screeched.
‘Size twelve,’ Joel answered confidently.
‘Shoe?’
‘Hello! Is anyone listening to me? I said they don’t ask?—’
‘Five.’
‘Side of bed?’
‘Nearest the door.’
‘Stop! How do you know all this? The side of the bed I sleep on! Jesus!’ Kate exclaimed.
‘You really don’t remember anything that happened after the first show, do you?’ Joel said with a smile.
‘Don’t go making things up.’
‘I put you to bed,’ Joel informed her.
‘Rubbish! I don’t believe you; Mione has put you up to this. Ha, ha, very amusing!’
‘Not guilty! Hmm, put her to bed. Kate, you should have stayed conscious for that. Shame on you!’ Hermione spoke with a grin.
‘I’m not speaking to any of you any more,’ Kate replied, folding her arms across her chest .
‘Come on, that’s not the spirit of the night. I’ve got heart-shaped cheesecake for dessert,’ Hermione spoke, helping herself to more wine.
‘I put you down on one side of the bed; you groaned, moved over to the other side and hugged your pillow. It was all perfectly innocent,’ Joel assured her.
‘This is getting very embarrassing; I don’t want to hear any more,’ Kate said, putting her hands over her ears.
‘You’ve got too many inhibitions, sweetie. Have some more wine; there’s plenty more where this came from and there’s Philip’s wheat and raisin to try later.’
‘You have to try some of that, Joel; it warms you right down to the soles of your feet,’ Philip announced.
‘Which are a size eleven, just for the record,’ Joel added.
After the cheesecake, Hermione recommenced her role as Larry Rawlins in the sequined jacket and stood at the end of the room with Philip clucking around her, minus the head which had brought him out in a rash.
‘Now Kate, if you would like to leave the room – no booth tonight, I’m afraid. We are going to ask Joel some questions, then we’ll ask you back and if your answers are a match then that’s a Kissing Gate on the board,’ Hermione announced, putting an excited hand out towards the imaginary audience.
‘I’ve got to leave? Can’t I just listen to my iPod or something?’
‘Larry has spoken, out with you and no eavesdropping at the door.’
‘Can I take the wine?’ Kate asked, picking up the bottle and hugging it to her.
‘I don’t think so; that share is mine,’ Joel spoke, grabbing it out of her hands.
‘I hope the questions make you squirm,’ Kate retorted as she headed out towards the hallway .
She closed the door behind her and checked her watch. It was just after 9.00p.m. She took her mobile phone out of her pocket and dialled her home number.
‘Hello,’ Lynn’s voice spoke.
‘Oh hi Lynn, it’s me. Is everything OK? Did Bethan go down OK?’
‘Mainly OK, yes.’
‘What does that mean?’ Kate asked, immediately concerned.
‘She’s fine, we had a few tears and a bit of screaming when we had a little misunderstanding. She kept saying, “Crisps, crisps” and I thought she was hungry but of course she meant Mr Crisps the bear, which I’d completely forgotten about, even though you told me about five times. Duh!’ Lynn explained.
‘So she’s asleep now?’
‘Fast asleep, has been for ages. Oh and I’ve eaten one of your mushroom risottos, hope that was OK; there was about six of them in the cupboard.’
‘That’s fine,’ Kate replied.
‘Kate! You can return to the stage now!’ Hermione called loudly.
‘Who’s that shouting? Are you at a club?’ Lynn questioned.
‘No, sorry, I’ve got to go, I’ll see you later,’ Kate said and she ended the call and put the phone back in her pocket.
‘Have you been listening at the door?’ Hermione barked as Kate re-entered the kitchen.
‘No, of course not, I’ve been checking on Bethan. Why are you all smiling?’
‘You haven’t heard the questions I just had to answer,’ Joel remarked, grinning.
‘You wouldn’t say that on stage, Joel. Let’s please get back into character. Kate, please re-join Joel and we’ll see how many Kissing Gates we can get on the board,’ Hermione spoke, resuming her role as Larry Rawlins and winking to her imaginary camera.
Kate did as she was told, picking up a glass of wine on the way and drinking it back as hurriedly as she could.
‘Right, Kate, we said to Joel – there is a clash of televisual treats. You want to watch one thing; Kate wants to watch another. How do you resolve this? Did Joel say A, he’s going to watch his programme; there’s no way he’s going to miss this. Or did he say B, he would let you watch your programme; if you’re happy, he’s happy. Or did he say C, the television gets turned off and you do something else together,’ Hermione questioned, looking quizzically at Kate.
‘Hmm, well, I don’t think Joel’s really a television person and he is a gentleman so I’m going to say B, he would let me watch my programme.’
‘CORRECT! A Kissing Gate on the board, well done Kate and Joel,’ Hermione announced as Philip began to cluck loudly and dance around in a circle.
‘Don’t get too confident; that was the easiest question,’ Joel said.
‘Oh and here I was thinking we were going to breeze this.’
‘Question two. We said to Joel, Kate’s Auntie Jess comes to stay and is all expensive perfume and pearls. When Kate is out of the room, Auntie Jess makes a pass at Joel. What does he do? Does he A, completely rebuke her and immediately tell you what has happened? Does he B, try and turn the obvious advance into a platonic hug to save Auntie Jess and himself some embarrassment or would he C, rebuke the advance but not tell you about it because he knows how much it would upset you?’
‘Oh,’ Kate spoke with a swallow.
‘It was a hard one for me; I don’t even know what Auntie Jess looks like,’ Joel piped up .
‘And that would alter your answer, would it? If she was hot, you might kiss her back?’
‘No, I just meant that you obviously all know what she looks like and I don’t. I was imagining Barbara Windsor for some reason.’
‘Well, she doesn’t look like Barbara Windsor, she looks like Lulu,’ Kate announced, a little annoyed.
‘I’m going to have to press you for an answer, Kate,’ Hermione broke in.
‘Well now I don’t know what you would do. Obviously if you found her attractive, you wouldn’t be rebuking her at all. Was there a D option? Joel advances on Auntie Jess and forgets all about Kate?’ Kate questioned, the alcohol loosening her tongue.
‘I need an answer, please.’
‘Oh, I don’t know, B, the platonic hug – at least in that option, he got to have his hands on her,’ Kate replied with a sigh.
‘WRONG. I’m afraid Joel said A, he would rebuke her advances and tell you immediately. No Kissing Gate for you,’ Hermione answered.
‘You said trust was important to you and it’s important to me too. I couldn’t keep something like that quiet; I would have to tell you,’ Joel spoke to her.
‘Whatever,’ Kate said and drank more of her wine.
‘And the final question: Joel has noticed that you are putting on a little weight. What does he do about it? Does he A, say nothing; he loves you just the way you are. Does he B, mention it to you kindly and suggest both of you ought to cut down on the takeaway meals or does he C, not say anything but try and make you get more active.’
‘Oh, definitely C. Look at him: gym obsessed. He would have me on a treadmill eating lettuce as soon as he could,’ Kate answered confidently .
‘I’m afraid that’s the wrong answer. Joel said A, he loves you just the way you are. Hypothetically, of course,’ Hermione announced as Philip scratched fiercely at the rash on his face.
‘Are you OK?’ Joel asked, taking hold of Kate’s hand.
‘Yes, fine. Can we go? I don’t feel very well,’ Kate spoke, her face feeling flush as the wine took hold.
‘Of course but we’re only halfway through the questions, I thought—’ Joel began.
‘I want to go home; I’ve had enough of all this,’ Kate insisted.
‘I’ll call a taxi,’ Joel said, getting out his mobile.
‘Can we walk? I can’t wait.’
‘Sure, OK.’
‘Are you OK, sweetie?’ Hermione asked, becoming herself again.
‘I’m just really tired and I don’t want to keep Lynn too late. Sorry Mione, thank you for all the effort you’ve gone to and you, Philip, you’ve been an excellent chicken – I mean dove,’ Kate spoke as she picked up her bag and coat.
‘It’s been a real pleasure and it was lovely to see you again, Joel,’ Hermione spoke, grabbing hold of the tall man and squeezing him into an embrace.
‘Thank you both for the wonderful food and for the questions. It was a really good evening,’ Joel spoke as Philip led them to the door.
‘We had such fun preparing it all, didn’t we, Phil?’ Hermione said.
‘We did. We’ll have to do it again, maybe minus the bird costume next time,’ Philip answered.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow; we’ll have a good chat,’ Hermione spoke quietly to Kate as Joel stepped outside.
‘Bye,’ Kate responded with a sigh.
‘See you and thanks again,’ Joel called as they walked down the path and joined the street .
Kate gave Hermione and Philip a lacklustre wave and headed down the road towards home.
‘Are you sure you’re OK?’ Joel asked.
‘I’m fine, I just want to get home and go to bed. The last few days at work have been a complete nightmare. The Lady Dragon is trying to discredit me and Colin Sykes wants to promote me. I don’t know which one is worse,’ Kate admitted.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Joel offered.
‘The question about Auntie Jess tipped me over the edge.’
‘I did pick up on that.’
‘It’s stupid. I shouldn’t let it still get to me; it’s in the past.’
‘Auntie Jess made a pass at one of your boyfriends?’ Joel exclaimed.
‘No, at Matthew – or the other way round, probably. It was the one and only time she came to stay. I caught them in the kitchen in an embrace, red-faced and trying to distract my attention by picking up scattered pretzels. But I knew what had happened; I knew how the pretzels got scattered.’
‘I see.’
‘She’s my only relative. I asked her for a loan recently and she was more than happy to oblige. She still feels guilty for exchanging tongues with my husband – never thought that situation would work to my advantage.’
‘I see.’
‘Mione doesn’t know; it’s not something I’ve ever broadcast.’
‘I see.’
‘Stop saying that, you don’t see, you must think I have “mug” printed on my forehead. I forgave him so many things, so many and in the end, it was all for nothing,’ Kate exclaimed loudly.
‘It wasn’t all for nothing; you have Bethan,’ Joel reminded .
‘I hope Mione didn’t think I was rude; she’d gone to so much trouble tonight.’
‘I think Mione would be mortified if she thought one of her questions had made you feel like this,’ Joel replied.
‘I’m an idiot; it was just a game, a silly question we were practising for an even sillier TV show. It isn’t real.’
‘My answers were real; there’s no point pretending if we want to win.’
‘Even the question about me having put on weight?’
‘Yes, although if there had been an option suggesting cutting down on the microwave meals, I might have chosen that.’
‘Oh Joel, you must wonder how on earth you got involved in all this. Another Friday night and it might have been Stephen in your place,’ Kate said with half a smile.
‘I wouldn’t change things now, especially not when Hermione has promised to read my runes,’ Joel informed her.
‘Oh God, we’re truly doomed; she won’t stop at that. She’ll be plotting your astrological chart and getting her crystal ball out.’
‘Perhaps she’ll see us taking the title of Knowing Me Knowing You .’
‘Or failing at the next round.’
‘We’re not going to fail; I think someone needs to work their negativity out of them.’
‘Well, I’ll have to work on that before next week. Next week! I can’t believe we’re going on stage again next week!’ Kate exclaimed.
‘And how’s your talent shaping up? Have you had much chance to practise?’
‘Talent? ’
‘Yeah, it said about it in the rules you gave me a copy of: couples in the next stage need to have a talent to show the audience.’
‘I didn’t read that! I can’t do that! I don’t have a talent, what sort of talent? Like juggling or something? This is insane; I had no idea, why didn’t you mention it before?’ Kate spoke wildly.
‘I just presumed you knew.’
‘Well what’s your talent?’
‘I play guitar a bit. I was going to do that.’
‘Oh great, yeah, you’re going to just whip up a song and play the guitar, while I what? Shake a tambourine in the background? That will impress people.’
‘Do you sing?’
‘Only when I’m drunk and then it’s really bad. Like someone’s reaction to having boiling water poured over them.’
‘Well, you have a week to think of something.’
‘Think of something, practise it and perfect it while trying to maintain my child/life/work balance.’
‘I could bring a tambourine along just in case,’ Joel suggested.
‘Don’t you dare.’