Chapter 26
26
‘Morning,’ Hermione greeted as she let Kate and Bethan into the house the next day.
‘Morning. I can’t stop today; I have a tonne of paperwork to get through and two clients. Bye, bye Bethan, I’ll see you later,’ Kate spoke, kissing her daughter on the cheek and ushering her into Hermione’s home.
‘Ah, I see. We have a disagreement on the phone and suddenly, you can’t stop,’ Hermione remarked.
‘No, of course not, I’m just busy, that’s all,’ Kate answered with a blush, not admitting to feeling awkward.
‘Well I saw you parking up and I’ve made tea and I’ll be cross if you waste it,’ Hermione spoke.
Kate let out a sigh and walked reluctantly into the house.
‘Bethan, why don’t you go and find Cyrus. He’s building a tent in the garden,’ Hermione said, opening up the back door and letting the little girl go through.
Kate sat down at the kitchen table, her arms crossed defensively.
‘I can’t believe you went to Matthew last night? What were you thinking of?’ Hermione blasted, putting a mug of tea in front of Kate .
‘I wasn’t thinking of anything. Helen phoned and asked me to go; she was going out of her mind with worry and he was asking for me. I had to go.’
‘No you didn’t, you wanted to. You needed to feel needed by him.’
‘That is so untrue, Mione.’
‘Is it?’
‘Yes.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
Kate didn’t respond but took a sip of the scalding hot tea and had to spit it back in.
‘That man is a snake. All those things he said to you. All the nasty, vindictive things he did when you split up. The way he left, the new girlfriend, the total neglect of his daughter – do you need me to carry on?’
‘I’m not stupid,’ Kate answered.
‘No, I know that. Which is why I can’t understand what you’re doing wasting another second on this man.’
‘He’s Bethan’s father.’
‘Which means he should be there for Bethan. It doesn’t mean you have to have a lifelong devotion to him no matter how badly he treats you.’
‘Everything is compli?—’
‘I swear, if you say the word “complicated” to me once more, I will slap you.’
‘Everything’s confusing. I feel so much for Joel but I don’t know whether I love him and I’m scared of leading him on. I mean, he’s so attractive and so kind and we have fun, but we’ve kind of been forced together through this show. I don’t know whether anything would have ever happened between us if we had met under normal circumstances.’
‘Of course nothing would have happened under normal circumstances because you wouldn’t have let it. You were never going to date again because you couldn’t let Matthew go. I thought that finally, when you had let Joel in, it would be Matthew’s last, long overdue farewell,’ Hermione spoke.
‘I can’t make myself hate him, no matter how hard I try. And worse than that, when he tells me he wants to try again, my heart flips over. I don’t believe what he says necessarily, but I want to,’ Kate replied.
‘Oh Kate, I don’t believe I’m hearing this.’
‘I can’t help the way I feel. I was so in love with him, I married him forever. He left, not me – my feelings didn’t stop the day he walked out of the door.’
‘So what if he means what he says? What if he does want to try again?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t know if I could trust him again. I don’t really know whether I want to.’
‘And what about Joel?’
‘He told me he’s busy for the rest of the week, wants to meet up again for cake decorating. So I guess I’ve burnt my bridges there too.’
‘Oh Kate,’ Hermione spoke with a sigh.
‘It’s no more than I deserve,’ Kate responded.
‘I think you need to be honest with yourself. What do you really want? No matter what I think, or whatever anyone else thinks, what do you want?’
‘I have absolutely no idea,’ Kate replied.
‘Colin’s been in already; I told him you were at a client’s,’ Lynn spoke as Kate sat down at her desk.
‘Thanks, Lynn,’ Kate replied, switching on her computer and putting down her handbag.
‘So?’ Lynn questioned.
‘So what?’
‘Duh! So have you decided yet?’
‘About what?’ Kate asked.
‘About the solicitor’s exam? That’s what Colin wants to know. That’s why he’s stalking round here, looking for you,’ Lynn spoke .
‘I haven’t decided yet,’ Kate answered, tapping at her keyboard and trying to bring her programs to life.
‘But it’s a no-brainer, isn’t it? Company car, bigger pay packet, boozy trips to Colin’s villa in La Manga. You could take me, we could sip cocktails on the veranda underneath a perfect sunset, a flamenco guitar playing softly in the background…’
‘Shut up, Lynn! I said I hadn’t decided yet – it means I haven’t decided. I can’t think, I don’t get time to think any more. You’re getting on at me, Hermione’s getting on at me, Miranda’s out to destroy me and Joel – Joel’s going to give up on me,’ Kate shrieked, much to the surprise of her colleagues, who raised their heads briefly and then thought better of it.
‘Whoa. OK, do you want to tell me what’s happened? Because now I’m thinking this isn’t just indecision over an exam,’ Lynn said, wheeling a spare chair over to Kate’s desk and sitting down.
Kate wiped at her tear-filled eyes and let out another sigh.
‘I’m drowning, Lynn. I’m drowning in every sodding area of my life.’
‘OK, so treat me as a life raft. Let me try and help.’
‘You can’t help, no one can, that’s the problem. I need to make all these decisions and I can’t do it.’
‘Well, it would help if I knew the whole picture. I mean, what’s the deal with Joel? Why would you think he’s giving up on you? Did you pick him a really dodgy wedding suit? Because if you did, I can help you rectify that. Darren’s cousin Ray has a market stall, knows all the suppliers, he could get you some material dead cheap. As long as you don’t mind not asking any questions,’ Lynn said.
‘It’s nothing Joel’s done; he’s amazing. It’s me, I can’t get my act together,’ Kate told her .
‘I’ll make a cup of tea and I’ll get a couple of cakes; there’s some in the kitchen. Apparently, Kay on the third floor has passed her driving theory test,’ Lynn spoke, standing up and heading towards the kitchen.
‘No, I don’t want a cup of tea, I don’t want any cakes, I don’t want anything. In fact, I don’t want to be here at all. I’ve had enough. I can’t concentrate. I’m going home. If anyone asks, tell them I’m sick,’ Kate said, standing up and picking up her handbag from the floor.
‘But, wait a second, you’ve got Mrs Briggs in half an hour,’ Lynn remarked as Kate put on her coat and headed for the door.
‘Phone her and cancel or if she’s already left, get someone else to see her,’ Kate ordered.
‘Well, I—’ Lynn began.
‘Bye Lynn,’ Kate responded hurriedly and she left the Probate room and headed for the exit.
When Kate got into the car, she burst into tears. She was done holding it together; now she couldn’t even go into work and just get on with things like she had done before. Now she was living in fear of Colin Sykes creeping up on her, wanting a decision about her future plans for her career at Randall’s. She didn’t know. She didn’t know if she would ever know.
All she could think about at the moment was Joel and Matthew. She thought about Joel all the time lately: driving to work, at work, at home, in the bath, in bed. But every time she thought about him, it was quickly followed by thinking about Matthew like she was comparing them. She seemed to flit from one to another so quickly. If she felt true affection for either of them, she shouldn’t be comparing them, should she?
Yet she found herself at Highbridge Leisure Centre, wanting to see Joel, needing to see him. She didn’t know where he was, she wasn’t even sure if he worked every day, but she got a coffee from the café and sat at a table overlooking the leisure pool.
Why was it she needed someone in her life? She was capable, she had kept her and Bethan afloat so far, but all the time, it felt like there was something missing. Did she really need a partner to make her feel whole? The very thought made her shudder. Women burned their bras and threw themselves in front of racehorses for equality. Did she really need a man in her life to make her happy and if she did, was it Matthew? Was it Joel? Or was the truth that either one of them would do?
‘Kate.’
She heard his voice and looked up from her coffee to see Joel stood at her table, looking at her. His hair was wet and he was wearing a black tracksuit. He had never looked better.
‘What are you doing here? Aren’t you working?’ he asked, sitting down opposite her and immediately noticing the watery eyes and pale complexion.
‘Supposed to be, supposed to be seeing Mrs Briggs to talk about a Lasting Power of Attorney. She wants to appoint her granddaughter which is bound to put her son’s nose out of joint but it’s up to her at the end of the day. She’s not gaga as far as I can make out – knew who David Cameron was, called him a silly arse,’ Kate spoke with a sniff.
‘Sounds like she knows exactly what’s what then,’ Joel responded.
‘She always wears a fur coat though and has an endless supply of extra-strong mints in her handbag.’
‘Maybe she feels the cold and has bad breath,’ Joel suggested.
‘Maybe.’
‘Are you OK?’ he asked.
‘Are you?’ Kate asked, looking up at him.
‘I thought about you a lot last night, after I left,’ Joel admitted with a sigh .
‘About what an absolute cow I’ve been to you since the minute we met?’ Kate asked.
‘No, nothing like that. I just think it’s all got a bit intense. I mean, we’ve been in a pressure cooker of a situation since Knowing Me Knowing You started and I think it’s just got a bit too much,’ Joel explained.
Kate didn’t respond. She had a knot in her throat and her eyes were brimming with tears as she looked at him looking at her with his beautiful, moon-sized eyes.
‘You’ve got so much to think about what with your job and Bethan and the contest. I was wrong to try and add more to your already full plate,’ Joel spoke.
‘What do you mean?’ Kate asked, suddenly feeling terrified.
‘I just think we need some space.’
‘No, we don’t, that’s the last thing we need. I mean, we have a contest to try and win and we need to practise and—’ Kate started frantically.
‘I’ve got some time off here; I’m going to stay with my parents for a while,’ Joel told her.
‘In Kent?’ Kate clarified.
‘Yes, just for a week or so. I’ll be back in plenty of time for the final, I promise,’ Joel said, taking hold of her hand.
‘Were you going to tell me?’
‘What?’
‘If I hadn’t come here, were you going to tell me? Or were you just going to leave, perhaps while I was listening to Coldplay?’ Kate questioned.
‘Of course I was going to tell you,’ Joel insisted.
‘When are you going?’ Kate asked.
‘Tonight.’
Kate nodded and took a large swig of her coffee.
‘I just think we need some—’ Joel began.
‘Distance, space, yeah you said,’ Kate replied.
‘I just think it would be easier for you if I wasn’t here, just for a bit,’ Joel added .
‘You know you’ll be consigning me to a week of ready meals and cut-price wine,’ Kate spoke bravely.
‘I’ll write out the omelette recipe if you like,’ Joel suggested with a smile.
‘Don’t give up on me,’ Kate said suddenly.
‘I won’t,’ Joel told her seriously and he gave her hand a squeeze.
‘Well, I’d better go. The coffee here is terrible and I’ve got some dry cleaning to pick up. Not sure whether Giuseppe will have been able to get out the indelible pigeon shit but I’m keeping everything crossed,’ Kate said as she got to her feet.
Joel smiled at her.
‘Well, have a great time in Kent. Be sure to call in on the Ranch House and see how it compares to Darlene’s service at the Highbridge branch.’
‘I will,’ Joel said.
‘Look, could you text me? You know, when you get there. I worry about long drives and car accidents – hazard of having your parents killed in one,’ Kate said nervously.
‘Sure,’ Joel agreed.
‘Well, I guess I’d better go. See you,’ Kate said and before she could stop herself, she had held out her hand.
Joel ignored it, put his hand to her face and pulled her towards him, kissing her deeply on the mouth before she could do anything about it.
She looked at him, her breathing rushed, her eyes watery, and then she fled, running out of the gym as fast as she could.