ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟞𝟙
Jordyn would always be forever five in my heart. But today, she would be turning nine.
I lay still for a few seconds after opening my eyes, staring at the ceiling while the number settled somewhere inside my chest.
I had said it in my head several times already.
Nine.
How could a number feel so small and impossibly large at the same time?
If Jordyn were here, she would be nine years old today. She would probably be taller, her dark, curly, hair would be longer.
She would be in fourth grade.
She would have friends whose names I would know by heart because she would talk about them constantly at the dinner table.
She would probably still love unicorns. Maybe she would've outgrown them.
There were so many things I didn't know. I wondered if she could see us now. Not literally, of course. I didn't know what I believed anymore when it came to things like that.
But sometimes I liked to imagine she could.
Maybe she had watched everything that happened over the last few years from somewhere I couldn't see. Maybe she knew how badly her father and I had hurt each other.
Maybe she knew about the separation, about the nights I cried alone.
Maybe she knew how hard it had been for both of us to admit that we still loved each other even when we were so deeply angry.
Maybe she knew that her parents had finally managed to agree on something. We were going to visit her together.
I turned my head slightly. Cameron was sitting on the edge of the bed, bent over as he pulled on his shoes.
He had already showered.
His hair was still slightly damp, blonde, golden strands falling untidily over his forehead. He wore a dark pair of jeans and a simple charcoal shirt, nothing special.
There was nothing about him that looked like a man preparing for something important.
But I knew better.
I pushed myself upright slowly. My body felt heavier than it should have.
I reached for the hair tie on my nightstand and gathered my hair behind my head. It had been straightened earlier in the week, so there wasn't much work involved.
For once, my hair was cooperating with me.
I secured it and glanced at myself in the mirror across the room.
I looked fine.
Gosh, I hadn't looked fine in weeks. Quite the opposite, actually. I reached for the small pair of gold earrings I'd left on the dresser.
Cameron glanced over. "Oh hey, you're awake."
"Yes. Good morning." I looked at him through the mirror.
"Did you sleep well?"
I nod. "Pretty well, actually."
"I can tell. You look a lot better than you have in weeks."
I stayed quiet. What the hell was that supposed to mean?
I looked back toward the dresser. There was no point making anything out of it.
We were still figuring things out. We were still learning how to stand next to each other without wondering what came next.
I put the earrings on.
Cameron finished tying his shoes and stood. He stretched one shoulder, then the next.
"Are you ready yet?"
I looked at him. "Do I look ready?"
"No. Me neither." He chuckled softly at that.
That answer felt better than if he'd told me everything would be okay. He couldn't know that. Neither of us could.
I stood and walked toward the closet. My shoes were already waiting near the door.
They were comfortable flats.
After my feet basically killed me yesterday, I had decided to listen to Cameron's advice and not wear shoes that would break my feet.
I sat down on the small bench near the closet and slipped them on. Cameron moved around the room quietly.
He checked his phone, then placed it face down on the dresser.
I watched him. "You don't have to turn it off. You might get called, you know."
Back then no matter what, my phone would always be on. Just in case Ted had called me for something. It hadn't occurred to me how demanding he was sometimes.
"I'll deal with it if I do." He told me.
I nodded, smiling at myself.
That was Cameron.
Even when something mattered to him, some part of his brain was always listening for a radio that wasn't there.
I looked toward the nightstand. My eyes landed on the small bag I'd packed the night before.
I had bought everything months ago- I'd bought it when I was staying with Dannah.
Back when I didn't know whether I'd be coming back to this bedroom. Back when I didn't know whether I would be standing beside him today.
I had gone into the store alone, I remembered that day with uncomfortable clarity.
I'd carried everything back to Dannah's house in a paper bag and shoved it into the back of the closet.
I hadn't told anyone- not even Cameron because I hadn't known what I was going to do with them. I only knew I couldn't show up at Jordyn's grave empty-handed.
Even if Cameron didn't come with me, even if I went alone. Even if our marriage unfortunately ended.
I was still her mother. It was probably the one thing that never would change.
Cameron followed my gaze. "Is that the stuff you bought?"
"Mhm." I nodded.
He walked over, looking at it. "I remember you telling me you bought something."
"You remember that?"
"I remember everything you tell me, honey."
There was that nickname again. He had never called me that, so I don't know why he was using it now.
I looked back at the bag. "I didn't know if you'd want to go."
He was quiet.
"I would've gone."
"Even then?" I swallowed. "You were barely talking to me."
He leaned against the dresser, his arms folding loosely across his chest. "She's still my daughter."
The simplicity of it caught me off guard. I looked down.
"You're right."
"I was angry with you, not her." He stared at the floor for a moment. "I could've been angry with the entire world and I still would've gone with you."
My throat tightened. I nodded because I didn't trust myself to say anything useful at that point.
"What'd you get her?" Cameron looked toward the bag again.
I smiled slightly.
"Why do you want to know, big guy?"
"Because I'm curious."
"You're not allowed to see."
He raised an eyebrow. "Oh, why not?"
"Because I bought it. I don't want you ruining the surprise."
He stared at me.
"You're worried about me seeing her birthday present?"
"Of course!"
"Okay," He nodded slowly. "That makes perfect sense."
I narrowed my eyes, smiling gently. "You're making fun of me."
"Maybe a little."
I grinned despite myself.
Cameron pushed away from the dresser. "Fine. I won't look."
"Thank you." I looked towards him.
"I did get something, though."
"Oh, you did?" I looked at him. "What?"
He glanced at me. "That's classified."
"Cameron, don't do that."
He opened the closet. I watched him reach toward the top shelf. He pulled down a small paper bag.
I immediately sat straighter. "What is that?"
"You said you weren't going to ask." He looked over his shoulder.
"I changed my mind. What'd you get her?"
He held the bag behind his back. "You'll find out."
I stood. He took one step backward, and I took one step forward.
"Give me the bag."
"No. It's for our daughter."
"Why are you hiding it, then?"
"Because it's a surprise for you."
I stared at him. "That doesn't even make sense."
"It doesn't have to."
I reached for the bag, and he lifted it above his head.
"You're making me look stupid now." I laughed.
"Do you want to see it?" He smiled at me, then his expression softened.
"Yes, I do. I really do."
He lowered the bag, then he handed it to me. I opened it carefully. Inside was a small stuffed unicorn.
It was soft white with a pale rainbow mane and tiny embroidered stars on its hooves. There was a small pink ribbon around its neck.
I touched it gently. "Oh."
"I saw it a few weeks ago." Cameron watched my face.
I looked up. "You're telling me you've been had this?"
"Yeah."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I wanted to surprise you, I told you that."
"You surprised me, alright."
"Good."
I looked down at the unicorn again. It was exactly the kind of thing Jordyn would've picked up in a store.
I swallowed. "She would've loved this."
"I thought so."
I turned it over in my hands. There was a tiny tag attached to its side.
I read it, then laughed quietly through my nose.
"What?"
I held it up. "It says her name is Glitter Sparkle."
"Perfect. That's incredibly on-brand, you know." Cameron looked at it.
I reached out and took his hand. His fingers closed around mine almost immediately.
Cameron squeezed my hand once. "We should probably go."
I nodded.
Cameron reached for the car keys on the dresser.
He looked at me.
"You sure you're okay?"
I almost laughed. "If I say yes, I'll be lying."
The yearly visit had always been ours.
Before everything fell apart. The separation, the resentment. Before we became two people who could sit in the same room and still feel miles apart.
The world rarely changed its appearance to match what was happening inside you.
The hallway was still the hallway, the stairs were still the stairs.
There was still a water bottle on the counter that Cameron had forgotten to put away.
Everything was normal, except it wasn't.
Cameron stopped near the staircase. "Have you eaten anything?"
I looked at him.
"No," He frowned. "I wasn't hungry."
"You're going to get hungry."
"I'll survive for a couple hours."
He walked toward the kitchen. "Come on, let's get you some toast."
"I don't want toast."
"You don't have to want it."
"Cameron, please."
"Two pieces." He gave me a sympathetic look.
"I said I don't want it."
"And I said two pieces."
He put bread into the toaster. I leaned against the counter and watched him.
"You know this isn't going to make me full."
"Probably not, but you're going to stand at that cemetery for two hours and tell me you're fine."
~
The drive wasn't too long.
I watched the scenery move past the passenger window without really seeing any of it.
Cameron didn't turn the radio on- I was grateful for that. There were days when silence felt comfortable.