ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟞𝟙 #2
His left hand stayed on the steering wheel while his right rested near the center console. Every so often, his fingers moved slightly, like he was thinking about reaching for me.
Eventually, I put my hand there myself.
He looked down for half a second, then his fingers closed around mine.
The cemetery appeared at the end of the road several minutes later.
I recognized the entrance immediately.
I always did.
There was something about returning to a place enough times that your body eventually remembered the route before your mind did.
Cameron slowed the car as I looked through the windshield.
The grounds were quiet. A few cars were parked farther down.
There were flowers scattered throughout the cemetery, some fresh and bright, others faded from weeks or months of weather.
Trees lined part of the property, their leaves moving gently in the breeze.
It was peaceful.
There was nothing peaceful about burying your child.
Nothing peaceful about knowing exactly where she was and still being unable to reach her.
Cameron pulled into a parking space and turned the engine off.
He got out of the car, and I opened my door a moment later. The air was warmer than I expected. Great, thanks Minnesota.
I picked up the bag containing the things I'd bought months ago.
"Try not to cry too much." Cameron joked.
I laughed at that. "Oh please, you're the biggest crybaby ever."
He grinned at that.
I smiled faintly- then the smile disappeared as quickly as it came. We were standing in a cemetery.
There was no more pretending that this was just another Saturday afternoon.
Cameron reached for my hand, and I gently took it. We walked together. Our shoes made soft sounds against the pavement.
We passed several familiar graves.
A few names I recognized from coming around here so often.
My eyes stayed ahead when I finally saw the stone.
There she was. Her name was still there.
The letters were clean and dark against the stone. Her birth date, then below was her death date.
The little photograph was set into the marker. Her face was still smiling. She still looked exactly like the little girl I remembered.
Forever five.
The cemetery staff kept the grounds beautifully maintained.
The stone was clean. There was no dirt covering the letters, no leaves piled around the base. It was obvious someone had clearly been there recently.
I stared at her picture. Her tiny smile, the cheeks I used to kiss.
My chest tightened. "Hi, baby."
It nearly broke me. My eyes filled instantly. I blinked hard, but it didn't help. The tears stayed, then one slipped down my cheek.
I wiped it away quickly.
Cameron stepped closer, his arm wrapped around my waist. I leaned into him immediately. My body moved toward his.
His hand rested against my side.
I stared at the photograph again.
"Happy birthday," My voice shook. I ignored it all, swallowing. "You're nine today."
The words sounded wrong to me.
I looked at her face, then laughed quietly. "I keep wanting to say five. I think I'll always think of you as five."
Cameron tightened his arm around me slightly. I could feel his breathing change.
He was hurting too, and I knew that, but I didn't look at him yet. I was afraid that if I did, I'd completely lose whatever control I had left.
I crouched down slowly. The grass was slightly damp beneath my pants.
I placed the flowers at the base of the stone. They were colorful and a little too cheerful for a cemetery.
Exactly the way Jordyn would've liked them.
I adjusted them twice.
Cameron crouched beside me. He placed his bag down, pulling out the unicorn.
I smiled through my tears. He placed the unicorn beside the flowers.
I looked at it. "She would've loved this."
"Definitely."
I reached out and touched one of the unicorn's little ears. I placed the other toy beside the unicorn, then I sat down in the grass.
Cameron sat beside me.
For several minutes, we just looked at her. I don't know how long. Time behaved differently here.
I stared at her photograph. How badly I wished I could see her.
I didn't want to stare at a photograph all the time.
I wanted to know what she looked like now. I wanted to know whether her face would've changed, whether she'd still have that little crease between her eyebrows when she was concentrating.
I wanted to know what her voice sounded like at nine.
Would she still laugh loudly? Would she still eat pancakes until somebody told her to stop?
Would she still want unicorns? Or would she be embarrassed if I bought her one?
The questions kept coming. There were thousands of them.
Questions I knew would never get answers to.
I pressed my lips together.
Cameron shifted beside me.
"Hi, bug," he said.
His voice was low.
I looked at him. He was staring at the photograph.
"I've been thinking about you a lot," He sighed. "More than usual."
A small breath left him.
"Your birthday," He smiled faintly. "Nine years old. That's crazy, don't you think?"
I watched him.
He rubbed his thumb slowly over the back of my hand. "You'd probably be taller than I think."
I smiled at that. Maybe even taller than him.
His attention returned to the photograph. "You'd probably be making fun of me by now."
"I miss you." His voice cracked slightly. "I miss you every day. I still think about that morning sometimes."
I squeezed his hand.
"But I don't want to talk about that today. Today is your birthday."
His eyes stayed on Jordyn. "That's what I want to remember."
"I wish you could've seen the station." Cameron took a slow breath.
He started telling her about it. He complained about paperwork, and he told her about the mayor event.
He told her about Molly. He told her that everyone had been worried about her.
Then he said: "Your mom found a new office."
I looked at him, and he smiled at me. "It's really nice."
"It's huge." I lowered my eyes.
He nodded. "Apparently she needs enough space for all her books."
"I do."
"You already have too many."
"You can never have too many books."
Cameron squeezed my hand. "I think you'd like it too."