ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟞𝟙 #3
"I wish she could see it." I looked at the photograph.
I wiped beneath my eyes, looking towards Cameron. "She would've liked the windows, and the big office."
"There's so much I want to tell you." I whisper.
My voice was barely audible.
"As your Dad mentioned, I got a new office, I quit my old job."
I almost laughed. "You would've thought that was funny."
"I thought I couldn't leave, but I was wrong. I'm trying to do things...differently now."
My eyes moved toward Cameron. "We're trying."
I looked back at Jordyn. "Your dad misses you. I think sometimes he tries really hard not to show it."
Cameron gave me a quiet glare.
I smiled through my tears. "Don't argue with me."
"I'm not." He laughed.
"I'm sorry we couldn't bring you home." I turned towards Jordyn again.
My smile disappeared. "I'm sorry." I know that's not how this works. I know.. but I still wish I could've."
One of the flowers shifted slightly. I reached out and fixed it quickly.
"I would've done anything. Anything."
Cameron moved closer, and I leaned against him. Eventually, I rested my head against his shoulder.
His cheek touched the top of my head.
There were no more speeches for us to give.
I thought about the first birthday, then the second, third, fourth. Then Five.
And then there were birthdays she never got. Six, seven, eight.
Now nine. Every year felt like another reminder of everything she was missing.
For a long time, I had treated grief like something I had to carry privately. I had convinced myself that if I kept moving, I wouldn't have to think about what had happened.
And Cameron had done something similar.
He had gone to work, taken care of everyone, he had dealt with Molly.
He had dealt with me, and somewhere in the middle of all of that, he had been grieving too.
I looked at him. He was staring at Jordyn's picture, and his eyes were wet. I hadn't noticed how tired he looked.
The realization hurt- he had been carrying this too.
All this time, and I'd turn a blind eye to it.
Eventually, the sun moved lower. The shadows from the trees stretched farther across the grass.
Cameron glanced at his watch. "We should probably go."
I nodded, not wanting to speak. I looked at Jordyn one more time.
"Happy birthday, baby," My voice cracked. "I love you."
Cameron looked at her too. "Love you, sweetheart."
He leaned forward and gently touched the edge of the stone, then he stood.
He held his hand out to me. I took it, and he pulled me carefully to my feet.
I brushed the grass from my clothes, Cameron picked up the empty bags.
We turned toward the car. I don't know what made me stop. Maybe it was the sight of Cameron walking away from the grave.
Maybe it was the realization that he had been hurting just as much as I had, while I had spent so much time being angry with him.
"Cameron."
He turned.
I stared at him. For a second, I couldn't speak. It felt like there was a heavy bubble in my throat.
I walked toward him. He barely had time to put the bags down before I wrapped my arms around him.
I buried my face against his chest, and then I cried.
His arms came around me almost immediately.
One wrapped around my back, and the other settled against the back of my head.
"I'm really sorry." The words came out broken.
Cameron held me tighter.
"I'm sorry," I shook my head. "I'm so sorry."
He didn't interrupt me.
"I didn't see it..I didn't see what you were going through." I gripped the back of his shirt.
"I was so angry."
He rubbed my back slowly.
"I was horrible to you."
"You weren't horrible." He said softly.
"I was." I pulled back slightly, tears still running down my face.
"I was so wrapped up in everything I was feeling that I didn't even stop to think about you."
Cameron looked at me. "You were hurting too."
"But-"
"I know, Dixie." He interrupted me gently.
I shook my head. "No. Let me say it."
He went quiet. I wiped my face with the heel of my hand.
"You lost her too," The tears I'd been trying to hold back came harder. "You lost your daughter."
I swallowed painfully. "And I acted like I was the only person who was hurting."
Cameron's jaw tightened.
He looked down for a second, then back at me.
"I should've asked..I should've asked how you were. I should've noticed."
"You noticed now, right? That's what matters." Cameron lifted one hand and gently wiped a tear from my cheek.
I closed my eyes as another tear slipped down. "I'm sorry."
He shook his head.
I looked at him. "I'm really sorry."
"It's alright, Dix."
"I love you, and I'm sorry." I finally say.
His expression softened. "I love you too."
Cameron's fingers slipped beneath my chin. He tilted my face upward gently.
His eyes searched mine. There was no urgency in the gesture.
He leaned down, and his lips touched mine in the softest kiss.
It simply stayed for a moment, and when he pulled back, he smiled softly at me.
I closed my eyes, and his hand remained beneath my chin.
To be held by Cameron felt like a hundred pounds lifted over my shoulder.
~