Twenty-Four
TWENTY-FOUR
Orlando
T rinidad had me twisted. After everything I’d shared with her this weekend, after making me believe we had a future past Ofele, she hadn’t texted that man to tell her she was done with him. I didn’t care about him, wasn’t jealous or anything like that. What I had to offer didn’t compare with him. It was the fact she was still on the fence about us.
“Yo, slow down; where are we going?” Trevor asked, jogging behind me. I didn’t have a destination in mind; revelers cleared a path as I powered through the crowd, trying to find some space that was quieter than this. The booming of the speakers reverberated in my head, exacerbating my mood. Now I’d lost any capacity to be even-keeled; of course, Trinidad would knock me out of my lane; I should have expected this. The fact I thought I had a chance was laughable.
“Nah, I was just looking for a quiet spot,” I said, the calm in my tone reassuring me I hadn’t fully lost my touch.
“Shit, Orlando, stop. Are you really gonna do this? Trinidad is drunk, man; give her a chance to explain once she is sober.”
“She has been sober all these days; she was sober this morning; why not reach out to that man and tell her about us?”
“Dude, she’s a grown woman. What type of childish move would it be for her to text or call that dude? Didn’t you say they had been seeing each other for a minute? Remember what happened with me and Grace?” Desmond asked. I winced at the reminder of his spectacular failure with Grace; he’d really mismanaged what he still considered the best relationship he’d ever had.
At least he had a chance. I got a weekend.
“Son, you gotta pause and think this through the alcohol is dictating a lot of your emotions right now; you gotta chill,” Trevor urged me.
Their words penetrated my thick skull, and I took stock. They weren’t lying, I was not completely faded, but we’d been under the sweltering sun and had drunk enough rum to fell a horse. My feet were steady, but my head had long ago started thumping to the rhythm of the music, reminding me that tomorrow I’d deal with a hell of a hangover.
“Fine, you’re right; my point still stands.”
“Your point sucks, respectfully. That woman, if not in love, is very infatuated with you. She’s stepped out of her shell to spend this weekend with you.”
Every word they said made sense, but damn, the hole in my chest wouldn’t allow for reasoning. Trinidad, from everything I had known about her, was one of the most considerate, caring people I had ever known. She’d put aside her wants and needs to provide for her children and to achieve what she believed was a picture-perfect family. And I’d come in and in a few days had asked her to let that dream go, to be with me. Fuck. I… I was afraid. What if I wasn’t everything she needed?
“I need space,” I told my friends, their faces both contorted, Desmond into nothing and Trevor into disappointment. “I’m not retreating; I just literally need a minute to sort my brain out. Y’all speaking facts, and when I go back to Trinidad, I’m gonna take her to the rental and make sure we both get some water and ibuprofen and tomorrow we can talk.”
Trevor grinned at my explanation, thumping on my back in a rough embrace. Desmond nodded, a very slight smirk telling me he approved.
They both made their way back to our area, and I finally found a spot with some large rocks where I could sit and explore my thoughts. I’d jump in headfirst to the dream of Trinidad and me, but all of that meant big changes. Having a girlfriend with two kids meant I needed to be stable beyond what I had now, but here I was thinking still of dropping law school. Time was another thing; I could barely keep up with Ma and my brothers and the mentorship program. Trinidad deserved time and attention. The weight of the world settled on my shoulders as I tried to figure out the puzzle pieces, how everything would fit together.
A soft touch shook me out of my reverie. My chest tightened, hopeful it was Trinidad, but it had only taken a few days for me to learn her touch. When I raised up, I got face-to-face with Maria. Even with all this shit happening, my grin couldn’t be helped.
“Maria Roberts.”
“Orlando Higgins.” Maria’s deep voice carried memories of summers talking about everything from comics to politics to our parents and our dreams. She hadn’t changed much, still lean and tall, almost as tall as I was, with a creamy light-skinned complexion and pretty freckles all over her face, shoulders, and chest. She had a front-line costume, all white, but no large backpack. At this time of the night, if you still had your full costume, it was a miracle. Her eyes were still as kind as ever, and her smile was as gorgeous as the first day I met her.
What had changed was how she made me feel.
For the longest time, I had a crush on her. One of those teenage crushes that feel intense and never-ending—nothing like what I felt for Trinidad, robust and mature, fulfilling and encompassing. Now I only felt gratitude to see her well, and the nostalgia hit me square in the chest.
“You look good, Orlando.” She sat next to me on the rocks, and we remembered our rhythms and silences.
“Thank you for finding me,” I said once we found our comfort.
“I hesitated, I’m not gonna lie. When I found out about Maya—”
Maya…my grandmother’s name. Fuck. I fisted my hands over my knees, overwhelmed by the tangible knowledge of someone out there being a part of me. I already was a part of Maya no matter if we’dmet or not.
“That’s a beautiful name,” I said. “Go on. Sorry I interrupted you.”
“You good; I know it must be a lot for you, but yeah. When I found out I was pregnant, I took into consideration everything: my family and yours, my circumstances and yours. I was young, so I’m not proud of my decision, but with everything you already shouldered with your moms and your brothers, I didn’t see any space for a child. And honestly…you kept things so close to the chest all the time I was afraid you’d just go with the flow to make me happy. Take the burden and not speak up that you needed help. I couldn’t do that to you, so… I figured I would make my own way.”
A deep pressure started in the center of me, holding me down, weighing down my limbs at her explanation. I wanted to tell her she was wrong, but that wasn’t true. I would have done the right thing. I would have kept it all inside. and I would have never burdened her or anyone else with my worries and concerns.
“I wish you would have told me, though; I had a right to know.”
“You did, and I have regretted that decision for a long time; I am sure my metiche grandmother was the one to tell you. I haven’t called her yet, but when they told me you were looking for me, I put two and two together. But she had been pushing me to tell you, and I kept refusing; I was…ashamed and afraid, I guess, of your reaction.”
“I get it,” I said, my head too full, my chest too heavy to do anything but push the feelings aside until I had more time to process them by myself.
“So…you want to see her?”
“Hell, yeah, I want to see her! Can I meet her tomorrow? Do you have pictures of her now?”
“Yeah, I knew you’d ask.” She pulled her cell phone from an undisclosed location I didn’t want to study too much and unlocked it immediately. The face of a pretty little girl without a front tooth, with Maria’s complexion and my whole face, stared at me with so much joy that my breath caught in my throat.
“Maya,” I croaked, breathing shallow as she flipped through baby pictures. A progression of the growth of my child till now. By the time she finished tears ran down my face, and Maria was sobbing.
“I’m so sorry I kept her from you; I really am.”
“I get it, I…hey, we were young and…yeah. It’s okay. Well, it’s not, but I know we’ll work through it. I want to be in her life, so we need to. I want to co-parent with you, Maria.” I threw my arm around her shoulder as she sobbed against me. The relief to have found her and Maya wouldn’t be complete until I shared it with Trinidad.
Whatever she needed to face with Milton, I’d be there to handle with her. And whatever I needed to face with Maya, she’d be there for me. I knew it. All it took was for me to open up to her and be vulnerable, to apologize, and to hope she’d understand my lapse of judgment. Because I loved her, and I didn’t want anyone but her.
“What do you mean she left?” I hadn’t meant for my voice to rise, but between the loud-ass music and the shifty faces in front of me, I was losing all sense of patience. And my well ran real deep.
“She was upset after you…you know, with the text message.” Grace waved her hand around as if that would explain why she had allowed a visibly intoxicated Trinidad to leave by herself.
“I wasn’t planning to leave her here; why would she leave?” Fuck. I pushed the headpiece off my forehead, rubbing the mark it left behind. The headache that had moved in had big plans to make itself comfortable.
“So…well, she felt you kinda let her down, assumed the worst, and well, left her behind, so she left you behind.” Grace shrugged.
“Fine, I’ll see y’all tomorrow. I’m gonna go to her now.” It was pointless to ask more questions. I understood now that I fucked up. I had reverted to my old patterns of isolation instead of communicating my feelings, and I’d hurt her in the process. She needed so badly to feel secure and safe, and I’d destroyed that with one stupid moment.
The drive to the rental felt worse than crossing the Brooklyn Bridge at 6:00 p.m. on a Friday. By the time I stepped into the rental, a sense of urgency pushed me up the stairs. Hoping to find her room empty, I was disappointed to find the sexiest lump curled up under thick blankets. A few locs dared over the pillow.
“Trinidad, sorry to barge in. I was hoping you were in our room.” Our room. Damn, that felt good to say.
“No, I’m leaving early tomorrow, so I thought it best to sleep here. Don’t want to wake you up. Actually, I didn’t want to sleep in the same bed with you at all. It would send the wrong message.” I was grateful she didn’t pretend to be asleep. But why would she? Everything she experienced, Trinidad took face on, no fears. I wish I had the same bravery.
“I fucked up.”
“Ohh, yes, you did. And in one fell swoop, you showed me that you still are operating as a child. And I get it; you haven’t had time to grow, not with how you’ve had to protect yourself from hurt. But I saw the man within these days, and I hoped that that was who I was starting a relationship with. Instead, the boy came out with a tantrum at the first challenge. Not only that, you retreated. Again, to that, ‘I’m fine, bullshit. No, you were not fine, and instead of waiting until tomorrow to have a calm conversation, you just acted a whole fool. Made a fool out of me too. And you know I don’t like that.” She pushed the bedding off her, sitting up, her eyes bloodshot, her mouth twisted in anger. Fuck, she was gorgeous.
“Listen, I know I fucked up. Please let me explain; I…”
“I know you are going to have an explanation; I get it. But I don’t need it. What I do recommend is you take the time to take stock. Create boundaries with your family, and cancel law school. Live your life. Stand up foryourself and what you want. No one else is gonna do that for you. And…” Trinidad sniffled, and my stomach dropped all the way to the ground floor. “And keep opening up, letting people in to help you. You don’t have to do any of it alone. Not anymore.”
“Trinidad, listen, I get it. I acted wrong, and I shouldn’t have, but…don’t give up on me. I…we can still be each other’s shoulder to lean on. Let me take care of you, and I promise I will let you take care of me.”
“No. I need someone who can emote. That can open up, and you aren’t there yet. And I have plans; I have a timeline.” Her voice cracked, and the sound broke me inside. How had I gotten so close to having everything I wanted and squandered it so soon?
“Are you gonna go to the Poconos?” The bravery it took to ask that question would haunt me forever.
“No. That is not the right thing for me either. I thought…never mind what I thought, but no. I’m not. But I want to get back home to the twins. I’ve been here long enough.” Trinidad stopped crying, and a hardness took over her, muscle by muscle. She put up a barrier between us; if I didn’t penetrate it now, I would be shut out.
“Please… Trin, I need you. I… I found Maria, and she is going to bring Maya tomorrow and I… I want you here. I need you here. It’s… I need the support.” The back of my eyes burned at the hardest words I’d ever utter in my life. This woman…she had my heart. “I love you, and I fucked up, and I don’t want to lose you. You have taught me in these few months how to love out loud and how to accept love in a way I never knew possible. With your charisma, your kindness, and your steadfastness, and your cooking, damn your cooking, and that temper of yours that I swear gets me hard every time. And don’t get me started with the old sayings. You have me. You have my heart.”
Trinidad’s eyes watered, and that wall dropped at the same time her face dropped to her hands. A spark of hope ignited in me to die immediately when her head started shaking side to side.
“You need time. You’re young and… I knew it, but still, I dreamed. I love you too, Orlando, but sometimes, when you love someone, you know you are not the best for them. I have too much, and you need time to process and—”
“Please don’t say it.” I held up my hand, attempting to stop her by any means.
“—grow. And I need someone that can commit to all,” she finished.
And with those words, she terminated the hope within.