Twenty-Five
TWENTY-FIVE
Trinidad
J ust as I suspected, the wake-up on Sunday felt brutal. Cotton moved into my mouth overnight, and no amount of water in the world would fix it. The constant pounding in my head felt worse than passing by a construction site in Brooklyn, and my body ached in places I didn’t even have a name for. Hot Gyal was no longer back to tired, overworked Trinidad Velasquez. But now I sported a broken heart, courtesy of a man-child.
Instincts never failed me until now. Everything felt right with Orlando by my side. The fear and concerns were all minimal to the sense of rightness that filled me anytime we were together. This weekend had been the culmination of the longest flirting I’d ever had, and for a second, I believed it would have an ending worthy of a movie. An ending worthy of what my parents had together, what I had always aspired to.
Instead, the butterflies in my stomach haphazardly flapped their wings when I sneaked out of my room, hearing Orlando’s raised voice in the other room. The urge to stop and listen, to go and comfort him, pulled me, but I resisted. There was nothing to do but to leave. Whatever he was doing, he could manage on his own. After all, that was all he ever did.
The ride took the scenic route, the morning rays not enough to lift the grayness clouding everything. The morning mist clung to the foliage and palms on the way, the streets pristine, as if nothing had ever happened in the town. Bungalows, hotels, and establishments flew by in a combination of colors until we hit the highway.
“Sir, do you mind me making a call?” I pulled out my cell phone, awaiting the verdict. Once the driver agreed, I went to my favorites and dialed Brian’s number.
“What’s up, Ma, you good?” His husky voice had deepened since the last time I heard it. Damn, I was really hurt if I was this nostalgic by just hearing my baby’s voice.
“I… I’m okay; listen, I’m on my way back, currently approaching the airport. I wanted y’all to know I was able to switch to an earlier flight; they had some last-minute openings.” Probably a bunch of people got smart at the last minute and switched their travel plans after having too much fun last night.
“What you mean you coming back early?” Brandon’s voice popped up. I should have known better—I’d strategically called Brian as he was the most understanding of the two. The boys had invested a lot on this weekend, hoping for a happy ending for their mother. I wasn’t naive, the way they talked to me about Orlando had always been more than just care and trust for their mentor. They probably had seen what everyone did when we were in the same room. The attraction and pull that we couldn’t fight even at the beginning. I hated to disappoint them, but nothing would happen now.
“Because I am tired, and I need my bed. And more importantly, I miss you both.” Even though this was all going on and they had a vested interest, they did not get to know all my thoughts. The boundaries I would set moving forward with them would allow me to have a more fulfilling life. One where I got to be Trinidad and not just Brian and Brandon’s mother.
This weekend had been necessary for so many reasons, not only the ones the twins thought of. It was time for some change in my dreams and goals. I could have dreams just for myself nothing related to them. The boys were growing so beautifully, and no matter what they would be okay. So what if I didn’t have a husband to be their stepdaddy? I had a village that surrounded us and I hadn’t realized the value of it until this weekend.
“We miss you too, but what’s up? We thought you had a later flight; I think Orlando was on it too…” Brian dropped the fact so nonchalant I wanted to cackle. These children.
“Really? I wonder how you knew that?” I exited the car while the driver helped me with my luggage. The heat punched me in the face, more concentrated here away from the sea breeze. The relief of the AC welcomed me inside the building, and I found a seat to finish my conversation with the twins.
“Well, you know we be chattin’ with Orlando,” Brandon explained. I swear they must think I was born yesterday.
“Boys, I wasn’t born yesterday; I know what you wanted to happen through this trip. I birthed you. Y’all gone be grounded the whole summer, and we will have a big conversation when I’m at home. But for now, hear this. Orlando and I are adults. We do not need anyone’s meddling. I’m leaving early and he is staying behind. There is nothing there. And moving forward, I need you to respect that fact. I am the parent here, and you both do not get to dictate my comings and goings. Let this never happen again.” The bass in my voice did the trick. The silence on the other side lengthened until a scuffle erupted and then Brian spoke.
“Ma, we are sorry, you right, we…yeah we will see you at home.”
“I love you too, more than you can ever imagine.”
“Te queremos mucho, Ma,” they both replied, contrition finally evident in their tones.
My heart ached for them; this was a lesson that would stay with them for a long time, but it was necessary. I wanted to teach them boundaries, communication, and respect so they would never, ever experience hardships in their personal relationships. Maybe they wouldn’t ever be in their airport with a broken heart, yearning for a different ending.
The airport brimmed with travelers going back to their homes, everyone with way less energy than when we arrived a few days ago. As I navigated the crowd, my phone vibrated, and I pulled it to hear Milton’s raspy voice.
“Hey, you. You about here yet?” he asked.
This man. Single-minded focus, I would give him that. I hadn’t wanted to break up with him via phone, but I had no recourse now. His insistence on me going to the Poconos was feeling more self-serving by the minute. And to be honest, we were never in a relationship to start with. I’d made castles in my mind of what things could be with this man because he was stable and successful, but this wasn’t it for me.
I explained everything to him. How I’d come here thinking I was going to the cheerleading tournament and everything that transpired after. I was honest because it wouldn’t be fair to break up with him with a lie. And I didn’t want there to be any confusion as to where I stood in regard to my feelings and needs moving forward.
“So you can’t make it tonight?” he said after everything, after me telling him about Orlando and our escapades, how I had grown to care for him during the time I’d known him. How I realized I didn’t want a staid, full-of-responsibility partnership. I wanted that, but I wanted more.
“That’s all you can ask me after everything I said?” I responded.
“Well, I know you are not my partner, but I mean, you could do me this last solid before we part ways?” Milton’s arrogance dripped all over his words. The passive-aggressiveness was all I needed to say a firm no, goodbye and delete his number from my phone.
All that time I spent building this man up in my brain, and it ended with such a womp womp. I mean, after sex with him, I should have known. I placed my phone back in my purse and let out a sigh of relief for the paths left behind.
Where they needed to be.
By the time I reached the gate, a melancholy had settled on my shoulders. For so long, I had been working toward a goal, and now…
My phone vibrated in my purse, and I pulled it out, expecting to see a text from Miranda or the twins. It wasn’t them.
It was Orlando.
A lesser proud woman would admit to palpitations and shortness of breath, mixed with a rush of warmth at the sight of the text message he’d sent me. But they were not like me, proud. Bolstering myself, I read the text message several times, the words eroding my determination and sparking hope for a tomorrow that had disappeared after our conversation last night.
Orlando: I know you left earlier than your flight. I thought we’d have time to chat once more, but… I get it. I just wanted to say… Fuck. My fingers are shaking. I’m nervous.
I do have a lot going on.
But I know what I want.
I want you.
I lost you with my immature move, but I needed you to know. I fell in love this weekend. In a weekend. I never thought that would be possible, but here we are. Is it puppy love? Yeah, maybe, but I know it can grow. You and I can grow together. I heard all you said and damned if you were right, but where you made a mistake is saying I was still a child. I am not. Not anymore because I choose to say what’s inside, and I choose to ask for help when I need it, and I choose to set my boundaries and expectations like the grown man that I am. Please give me a chance. Please.
If this boy didn’t stop, I would end up crying in this airport. The airline people stood at the counter assisting standby travelers. Changing my flight now might get me some additional money in my credit for a future flight. Changing my flight now would get me back to Ofele and next to Orlando to support him. He’d asked for help last night, and I was so in my feelings about my needs that I missed that. All this time, I wanted him to have the support that he gave other people, and at the first chance, I ran, not because of only him, but because of me too.
But we both deserved another chance, we both deserved the love we’ve been searching for for so long.
And with that, I made my decision.
It was the easiest decision I’d ever made.