Diary #9
Diary #9
Dear Mom,
I can’t believe it’s been a year since everything happened. I miss Dad. I wish I could talk to him. I miss his hugs and his voice. I want to know how things are, but it makes me worried that it would be worse to know.
I miss Maddox too. Even if nothing ever came of us, I miss his friendship. He was that shadow, that looming presence who was always there, watching over me. Our chats aren’t the same.
I miss motorcycles. The noise, the smell, the way they feel between your legs. The power I had riding on one. I miss it all.
But when I’m not missing things, I’m able to see the things I’ve gained as well.
I’m not the same girl I was a year ago, and not just because of the things that happened that night. I’m stronger now. I’ve been able to make it on my own, and I’m finding out things about myself I never knew.
For instance, I love to dance and sing. I’m also pretty good at teaching others. When I get out of my head, I can be entertaining. I’m finding new paths and what that might mean for me. It’s exciting.
Another thing, I’m a horrible cook. The absolute worst. If it doesn’t go in the microwave or oven, I will ruin it. Even those are iffy on if I’ll burn them, but I have a better chance.
I’m learning how to make friends with people and not be such a recluse. I’m kind of funny when I’m comfortable.
Being active is something else that’s important to me. I was always busy at the club but thought it was just a product of my upbringing. But I thrive off it. If I’m idle, I feel lazy and slip into the negative space my mind can become. It’s not good for anyone when that happens.
Now that I have money to live, I’ve taken some classes. I started with self-defense, but it wasn’t anything I didn’t know from MCD. So after one class, the instructor recommended a more advanced course. So, now I’m taking Krav Maga, and I love it. It challenges me, uses my body, and makes me capable of protecting myself. It’s been a huge help in my healing, along with the things I do on screen.
I started a dance class this past month, and it’s been a blast. I wanted something fun for myself, and it’s helped me learn how to move my body as well, helping with my confidence.
This brings me to the most significant area of my life. Being Rose is addicting. I can be whatever version of myself I want when I'm on screen. At first, I didn’t get that, and I was shy and timid. But after my time with Cowboy, I began to see I didn’t have to be Darcie with all of her hangups, but I could borrow some of my confidence and embrace the best parts of Rose.
It’s also nice having people tell me I’m beautiful and spend money to just talk to me. I know it’s not something I can do forever, but it’s been what I need right now. A safe way to explore and be sexual without having to be sexual. It makes sense in my head.
I’m happy with where my life is headed, but I miss you, Dad, and Maddox. Even Tiny and Red. I know I can’t go back, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes I get so tired of missing people.
I’m going to a new place tonight with some friends. It should be fun. It will be good to get away from the computer. Because I don’t want to admit that I’ve become attached to a few clients, and I know that’s not good. It’s a fantasy, and I need some reality.
Time to boot, scoot, and boogie.
Love you, Mom
Darcie