Chapter 35
thirty-five
SKYLER
My heart does some kind of flip as I step out of the elevator and Ayda rushes over. She throws her arms around my legs and presses her face against them. I hunker down, letting her hug my body instead, pushing the hair from her eyes so I can take a good look at her.
“Hey honey,” I say. “How’re you doing?”
She smiles in response.
“You look so good,” I tell her. “Is that a Minnie Mouse t-shirt?” I look at Princess Minnie on her front. “I wonder if they make those in adult sizes.”
I look up at Hudson, who’s carefully watching the two of us. His gaze locks with mine and it’s like the earth beneath my feet shatters.
“Hi,” I breathe. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t want me…” I look at Ayda.
“No, it’s fine. She’s missed you.”
I look at his jaw. There’s a yellowing bruise on his skin. It looks like Jesse got him good. No wonder his knuckles were hurting. I know from personal experience what a hard jaw Hudson Fitzgerald has.
“How are you?” he asks softly.
I look at him, the man I loved. That I still love. The father of the baby growing inside of me. He needs to know. I need to tell him.
But not here, and not in front of Ayda.
“I’m doing okay.” That’s as much as I can tell him.
“You look good,” he murmurs, taking in my white summer dress. The weather is warm, the sun kissing my skin whenever I take long walks outside. Lee left two days ago and after this session with Dr. Methi I need to go back to the Airbnb to pack up my things.
I feel peaceful, which is a strange way to feel when your world is upside down. But maybe I’ve always found peace in the chaos. When you’re standing in the eye of the storm it teaches you how strong you can be.
“You look good too.”
“Liar.”
I give him a small smile. Okay, it was a bit of a lie. He looks so, so tired. And that bruise gives him a menacing edge, not that he needed it. But even so, it feels good to see him. I don’t want things to be awkward between us. We’re going to be connected for life even though he doesn’t know it.
I want to be his friend. I want him to be mine.
“I guess I should go in,” I say, pointing at the door to Dr. Methi’s office. He’s not charging me and I don’t want to be late. “Take care of yourself, Hudson.”
“You too.” He parts his lips. “Will you come back to Liberty soon?”
I want to ask him if he wants me to. But that’s not how coming home works. “Yes,” I say. And a smile almost pulls at his lips.
“Good.”
The elevator doors go to close, and I shrug. “I’ll see you around,” I tell him.
“You will.”
I start to walk toward Dr. Methi’s office, but then two tiny arms throw themselves around my legs again. I lean down to kiss Ayda’s cheek, checking that Hudson is holding the elevator door – he is.
And just as I let go of her, Ayda’s mouth presses against my ear.
“Come home.”
My mouth drops open. She can talk. Of course she can talk. She spoke to me on the deck that day. She said a word, how could I have forgotten that?
“Home?” I say, wanting to hear it again.
“Ayda,” Hudson calls, still standing next to the elevator. “Let Skyler go.”
But I hold onto her. “Hudson, she spoke,” I tell him. “She just said a word.”
His eyes meet mine. He looks as confused as I am. “She what?”
My heart is pounding. “We need to go into Dr. Methi’s office,” I tell him. “Right now.”
* * *
“I’ve spoken to Ayda’s speech therapist,” Dr. Methi says, walking back into the room. Ayda is kneeling at his coffee table, coloring a picture of a fish. Hudson is sitting on one end of the sofa, I’m on the other.
My therapy session is all but forgotten about, and I’m very okay with that. Instead of the bawling and handwringing I thought I’d be going through, I spent the first few minutes explaining to Dr. Methi and Hudson what Ayda had said to me, both today and on the day she disappeared.
My face flamed when I told them that she’d said “mother”.
“Could she have meant Grandmother?” Dr. Methi had asked. “She was sitting near you on the deck, wasn’t she?”
And that’s when I realized I’d been wrong. Of course she’d been saying grandmother. She was trying to tell me Catherine was there, and I hadn’t realized.
“You’re doing fine,” Dr. Methi had reassured me, like he knew I was second guessing myself. “Why would you have thought she was saying those words? Nobody would have.”
And then I told them about her two words outside the elevator. Come home.
Hudson’s eyes had met mine when I said it. There’d been so much emotion in his gaze. And yet it made me shift, because I don’t want him to feel emotion because his daughter spoke to me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad she did. I’m over the moon that she’s actually able to say some words. But Hudson doesn’t owe me anything. I was just there, listening at the right time.
“The speech therapist would like to see Ayda tomorrow,” Dr. Methi says, bringing me out of my thoughts. “She thinks this is a very significant piece of progress.” He smiles at Hudson then me. “But she also says that you shouldn’t get ahead of yourselves. Ayda has a long way to go yet.”
“Tomorrow is fine. Can she send the details to my assistant?” Hudson asks, leaning forward. There’s an animated expression on his face that wasn’t there before, and I’m so happy for him.
“Already done,” Dr. Methi says. He looks at his watch. “Well we have thirty more minutes,” he says to me. “Why don’t we say goodbye to Ayda and Hudson and you can stay for a chat, Skyler?”
“Can I just have a word with Skyler first?” Hudson asks, his voice low as he glances at me. “In private?”
Dr. Methi looks at me and I shrug to let him know it’s okay.
“I’ll be outside,” Dr. Methi says, taking Ayda’s hand and striding to the door and leaving the room. Hudson stands, and I find myself doing the same, turning to face him.
“Thank you,” he says. “Thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
“I should have remembered earlier,” I tell him.
He shakes his head. “That doesn’t matter. There were other things going on. But thank you for being the one she trusts.”
I don’t know why, but his words send my emotions into a spiral. Tears spring to my eyes.
“You are coming home, right?” he asks, as I try to get them under control.
“I’m coming back to the bar, yes.” I need to make it clear. I’m not expecting anything. I’m not wanting it. And soon, very soon, I’ll be honest with him about what’s going on inside of me.
“I understand.” He takes a breath. “I need you to know, I’m so, so sorry for the things I said to you.”
“It’s okay,” I say quickly.
“No, it very much isn’t. What I said…” He trails off, running his fingers over his bruised jaw. “It wasn’t about you. It was about me. I like who you are.” He shakes his head. “Dammit, I love who you are. I love everything about you. I love the way you see life as an adventure, not something to be protected from. I love the way I never know what to expect from you, but whatever it is, it’s always magical. I love the way you make me laugh and make me think and the way you challenge every single thing I do. And most of all,” he takes a breath, “I love how big your heart is. How there’s infinite room for everything and everybody.” His gaze is oh-so gentle as he looks at me. “I’m not asking you to forgive me. I can’t forgive myself. I’m just telling you the truth. Because you deserve it.”
I inhale raggedly. My heart thuds, like it wants me to let his words inside. To let them rebuild me.
But I can’t.
“Hudson,” I whisper.
“It’s okay. I understand if you don’t feel the same. I just need you to know how very welcomed you’ll be on the island. Especially by me.” He shakes his head. “By everybody. I’m absolutely sure if you took a poll, everybody would vote to push me out and let you back in.”
“You make it sound like a reality show,” I say.
“I’m trying to tell you that Ayda was right. Her words were right. Come home. To your home. It’s where you belong.”
He steps forward, his hands reaching for my shoulders. He pulls me close, not close enough that our bodies touch, but still so near that it’s easy for him to drop his head and kiss my brow, right where my hairline meets my skin. Even that sends a shiver through me, like my body is waking up and remembering exactly who he is.
Oh hello, giver of orgasms, god of the unbelievable sex. I was wondering where you were.
“Okay then,” Dr. Methi says, coming back in. Hudson reluctantly lets go of me, giving me the softest of smiles.
“I’ll see you back on the island.”
And it doesn’t sound like a threat.
* * *
I pull onto the ferry the next morning, grinning at Jesse’s happy face as he realizes I’m on my way back home. He walks over and I roll down the window. “Hey,” I say to him. “I’ve got Lee on speaker phone.”
“Hi Jesse,” Lee calls out over the car’s speaker.
“Hi Lee.” He taps my car. “I’ll be at the bar later,” he tells me. “You don’t need to work tonight.”
“I want to,” I say. I want things to go back to normal. Or as normal as they can be.
“Okay.” He gives me a wink. “We’ll catch up later.”
“We absolutely will.” I’m still smiling as he goes to help cast off from the dock.
“See,” Lee says, her voice sounding tinny. “It’s all going to be fine.”
“I know.” There’s still that feeling of trepidation though. Since I saw Hudson at Dr. Methi’s office, I’ve been replaying that forehead kiss over and over again in my mind. It made me realize just how much I still love him. How I’ll always love him. He’s the Lindsay Buckingham to my Stevie Nicks. He’ll always be my one who got away.
“When are you going to tell him?” she asks.
I take a long breath. “I need to settle back in. And we have Karaoke on Saturday. I think I’m gonna need to let him calm down when he realizes we’ve turned his upmarket drinking establishment back into the down low and dirty local bar it always used to be.”
“You’re procrastinating. At this rate the kid’s gonna be going to college before you finally get the guts to tell him.”
I roll my eyes even though she can’t see me. “I’m going to tell him,” I protest.
“When?”
“Next Wednesday.”
She starts to laugh. “Why Wednesday?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “You just forced me to say something. And I guess Wednesday is far enough away that I don’t have to worry about it yet, but close enough that he’ll find out before graduation.”
Lee huffs. “I don’t understand why you’re so afraid. Do you think he’ll go ape?”
“No,” I say honestly. Maybe I was afraid before, but that’s because I’d been building it up in my mind. “He’s a good man,” I say, feeling sure about that. “He’ll be calm.”
“So what are you afraid of?” Lee asks.
The feeling of nausea I’ve been fighting for the last few days rises up. “I’m afraid he’ll pity me,” I say. “That he’ll try to do the honorable thing and rekindle something between us, and he’ll be doing it for all the wrong reasons.”
Lee is silent for a moment. The ferry starts to move along the water and I look ahead, seeing Liberty in the distance.
“I hate the way you do this,” she finally says.
“Do what?”
“Why can’t you accept that he might want you for you ? Why can’t you see that you’re a catch, whether you’re having his baby or not? I wish you could see yourself the way we all see you. You’re funny, you’re clever, you’re beautiful. You make this world such a better place. What man wouldn’t want you?”
I blink at her words. “You have to say that. You’re my sister.”
“I’m saying it because it’s true. I just wish you would believe it.”
“I’m trying,” I tell her. “I really am.”
“You need to try harder. You’re going to be a mom. And you’re going to be a great one. I just wish you’d believe in yourself the way that I do.”
I swallow hard. She’s right. I need to be a grown up. “I’m going to,” I promise. “I am.”
“Good. Now go start living your life. Don’t forget that James, Cora, and I want to visit soon.”
“I’m banking on it,” I tell her, then we say our goodbyes and she hangs up.
For the rest of the ride I sit in the car silently, thinking about Wednesday. That’s when I’ll tell him. And let the chips fall where they may.
“We’ve got this,” I say, tapping my stomach softly. “Or at least I think we do.” All I know is I have less than eight months to get my life together. Which actually isn’t too bad a deadline.
When we dock, Jesse leans in through the window and kisses my cheek, telling me to go take a nap because I look beat. I drive off the ferry and park in my usual spot outside the bar, amazed at how busy it is. Maud is working today, and she waves at me from the porch as I climb out of the car.
“How sweet is that?” she asks me, pointing at the beach. I follow the direction of her finger to where somebody has written out words with pebbles on the sand.
You Have Never Been A Still Ocean. You Have Always Been My Storm.
“You think it’s some kind of love letter?” she asks. “Maybe we’ll get a proposal in here. How romantic would that be?”
“I wouldn’t get your hopes up.”
“Still sweet though,” Maud says.
“It is.” I nod, carrying my suitcase through the bar to the private door leading to my apartment. It feels like it’s been months, not days, since I was last here and when I step inside and put the bag on the floor it takes me a moment to catch my breath.
Unlike the first time I walked in here, it’s clean, it smells fresh. It feels like home. I take my luggage to the bedroom and leave it there. I’ll unpack later, when I’m ready.
Walking back into the bar, I grab a fresh apron and knot it around my waist, sliding behind the counter to where Autumn is smiling at me, like she’s been waiting for me all this time.
“You’re back,” she says, grinning.
“Yes.” I nod. “I really am. Now tell me, which song are you planning to sing at Karaoke, because I don’t want any dupes.”
* * *
Decaf coffee really is the worst. I wrinkle my nose as I swallow it down the next morning, wishing I hadn’t read a whole thread on Reddit that listed everything you have to give up for nine months to have a healthy baby.
I can live without blue cheese. And avoiding liver and liver products really isn’t going to ruin my life. But no caffeine? Are they serious? I sigh and take another sip of the devil’s juice.
It’s super early and the town is only just waking up. The first ferry of the day is waiting at the dock, and there’s a mist dancing above the surface of the water as it gently laps into shore.
A seagull swoops down to pick something up from the beach, and I frown when I see there are some more pebbles there, spelling out words. They’re different from yesterday. I move my eyes over the sentence, my throat tight.
You’ve woven a spell around me, and I never want to break free.
I look around, trying to see if the wordsmith is still around, because I swear those pebbles weren’t there last night as the sun went down. But the beach is empty, save for the birds.
I let out a long breath, then pour the rest of the decaf coffee into a nearby plant, because if I have to avoid caffeine for the next eight months, I’d rather not drink coffee at all.
Or at least I’ll ask Mylene if she can work her magic and make something that resembles the cappuccinos I love.
The jukebox calls to me as I walk back into the bar. I turn it on, then flick through until I find “Silver Springs” by Stevie Nicks.
And as her husky voice sings out, telling Lindsay Buckingham he could be her Silver Spring, I take a deep breath.
Because I’m starting to wish Hudson could be mine.