Chapter 34
thirty-four
SKYLER
It’s Lee’s last evening here. This is the longest she’s been away from Cora since she was born. We’ve spent the last three days taking long walks, talking about our pasts, our futures, our hopes, our dreams.
And about babies. I never realized how lucky I was to have an older sister that’s already been through it all. She makes me think that I might just bring us both out of this alive.
She’s made it clear that she wants me to go back with her. But I can’t do that. This is Hudson’s child too. Even if he doesn’t want me I know he’ll want to know his baby. I’m not the type of person who would make him go through court for that. He has as much right as I do to see this little one grow up.
A car is coming to pick her up at an abominable hour in the morning, but she insists on us having a goodbye party, of sorts, and tells me to invite Jesse over.
Secretly I think it’s because she wants to make him promise to take care of me while she’s on the other coast. But I do it anyway, and he comes.
“Was Autumn okay with managing the bar?” I ask him.
“Yep. She’s on a one-woman mission to piss Hudson off.” He winces. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I tell him. “I’m not going to die from hearing his name.”
“Which is a good thing,” Lee adds, carrying a tray of snacks out from the house onto the deck.
“What’s a good thing?” Jesse asks, taking a carrot stick before he even looks at the plate. He only realizes it’s a vegetable when it’s on its way to his mouth. He grimaces, but eats it anyway.
He’s such a boy.
“Talking about Hudson,” Lee says. “Because this one here needs to do it more.”
“I’m going to my therapist tomorrow, I can do it then,” I remind her. Dr. Methi called this morning and let me know he has space in his schedule and wants to see me. I pointed out my insurance won’t pay for him, but he says he’s doing it as part of Ayda’s rehabilitation.
And of course, as soon as I heard her name I agreed. I think he wants to get all the versions of the story so he can help her, which makes sense.
“To talk about somebody else. When do we start talking about you?” Lee asks.
“We’ve done nothing else for the past few days.” I pop a celery stick in my mouth.
“Have you decided if you’re coming back to the island yet?” Jesse asks. “No pressure, I just…”
“Yes.” I put him out of his misery. If one thing these few days watching the island from afar has given me, it’s perspective. Yes, it’s small and practically owned by Hudson Fitzgerald, but I have my place there too. I have family and a business and I want to be there to run it.
And at some point we’ll have to work out how to co-parent.
I inadvertently touch my stomach while I’m thinking, and Lee lifts a brow. “You should tell him,” she says pointedly.
“Hudson or Jesse?”
“Both.”
“Tell us what?” Jesse asks, looking from Lee to me. “You’re not selling the bar, are you?”
I shake my head. “No, the bar is staying.” I take a deep breath because two words have never felt so heavy. “I’m pregnant.”
He blinks like I’ve just told him the earth is flat.
“Fuck…” He shakes his head. “I should have hit him harder.”
“What?” I ask at exactly the same time Lee shouts out in celebration.
“You hit Hudson?” She puts her hands up for a high five. That’s when I see the bruise on Jesse’s knuckles.
“Oh my God.” My eyes widen. “Please tell me you didn’t.”
“He was pissing me off.” Jesse shrugs.
“When did you see him?” I ask, desperate to know. “Did he say anything about me?”
Lee lets out a sigh.
“He was on the ferry. He wanted to know if you’re okay. I told him you were fine, no thanks to him. Shit, are you really pregnant?” He shakes his head.
“Yes, but it’s early.”
“Is that why he broke up with you?” Jesse’s jaw tightens. “I’m really going to fucking kill him.”
“He doesn’t know,” I say quickly. “And I don’t want you telling him. You have to promise.”
Jesse looks at me. “You’re going to tell him, though? He has a right to know, doesn’t he?” He looks as confused as I feel. And I love that he’s on my side. But I’m not sure what that side is. Not yet.
“How was he looking?” I ask.
“Like he had a painful jaw.”
Lee laughs uproariously. She looks like she’s enjoying this way too much.
“Did he say anything else?”
“He said ‘hit me’.” Jesse shrugs.
“He actually asked you to hit him?” Lee frowns. “What kind of idiot does that?” She lets out another laugh, staring into the distance like she’s trying to imagine it.
“I said I was going to make him pay for hurting you, and then he told me to hit him. After I did it…” Jesse looks at his knuckles. “He asked if you’d left the country.”
“Oh.” Is that what he wants? For me to be as far away as possible? That thought hurts more than anything else.
“I told him you hadn’t. I hope that’s okay.”
“It’s fine.” I pat Jesse’s hand and he winces. “No more hitting, okay? In this family we’re lovers, not fighters.”
“Wasn’t planning on doing it again. Anyway, Autumn has a much better plan about making him suffer.”
“What?” I almost laugh. “Autumn is conspiring against her own brother?”
“Oh she’s mad as hell. And when she gets mad…” Jesse grins. “It’s delicious. As long as you’re not the one she’s directing her anger at.”
“I like her already,” Lee says. “What’s her plan?”
Jesse pulls out his phone and brings up a photo on the screen. “She’s getting a thousand of these printed and putting them up everywhere,” he says, turning the screen to us.
I read the words on the flyer that’s got The Salty Dog branding.
70s Karaoke Night – Saturday July 13 th
Be Kitsch, Be Bold, Be There!
(Free shots to every singer)
I start to laugh. “Oh my God, Hudson will hate this.” After all his attempts to make the Dog into somewhere more sophisticated, Autumn is taking it right back to its roots.
“He will.” Jesse grins. “It’s okay isn’t it? That we’re planning this? She’s already organized the equipment. She already put in the drinks order today and she’s gotten some extra staff to help. It’ll be like the opening night all over again but our style.”
His eyes meet mine and I can see that he wants my approval. “The place is half yours,” I remind him. “You’re allowed to do what you want.”
“But what I want is you there. And I want you to want it too.”
“I love it,” I say. “And I’ll be there.” And it gives me a reason to go back. Not that I needed one.
Lee’s right. I belong there. My heart is there, even if it’s cracked right now. Okay, it’s broken and torn. But I need to get back.
“You’re coming home?” Jesse says, beaming. And I nod.
“Thank god,” he says, hugging me tight. Over his shoulder I can see Lee smiling at us. I give her a tentative smile back and she nods.
It makes me realize. Family isn’t what somebody else tells you it has to be. It’s what you make it. It’s messy and it’s joyful and it’s sad. But it’s what I’ve wanted all my life and I have it. Both in California and on Liberty.
And I’m not going to let it go.
* * *
HUDSON
“That looks painful,” Dr. Methi says, a smile playing at his lips as he takes in the bruise on my jaw. It’s burgundy with the threat of ochre, and it’s tender as hell.
“It’s fine,” I lie.
“How did you get it?”
I let out a sigh. “I walked into a door.”
“Did the door have a fist?” he asks, still smiling. He looks like he’s enjoying this way too much for the amount I pay him.
“It doesn’t matter.” I shake my head. “Now can we talk about Ayda please?”
She’s just had her session with him and she’s in the outer room playing under the watchful gaze of the receptionist. She seems fine. Better than me. But she’s also been edgy every time we pass The Salty Dog.
She tried to drag me in the other day and almost started crying when I wouldn’t let her.
I’m not welcome there, that’s for sure. Jesse’s made that clear, and he’s in charge.
“Ayda is doing very well,” Dr. Methi says, still staring at my jaw. “But she needs a father who’s doing well too.”
“I’m doing fine,” I say, gritting my teeth.
“You’re getting into fist fights.”
“There was no fight. I didn’t hit back.”
“You didn’t?” He lifts his brow. “That’s interesting.”
“Is it?” I frown, because there’s nothing interesting about the downward plummet my life is taking.
“It is. You don’t strike me as a man who lets people hit him for no reason.” He looks at my jaw again. “You’re a man who always likes to be in control.”
“Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do,” I say, feeling tetchy.
“Or maybe you’re changing. Why did you let yourself be hit without retaliating?”
He’s not letting this go. “Because it was Skyler’s brother who hit me.”
His smile widens.
“I’m glad that amuses you,” I mutter.
“It just tells me what I already know is true.”
“What’s that?”
“That you’re in love with this woman.”
“Shut the hell up.”
“And you broke up with her because you’re afraid.”
If I thought I was annoyed before, I’m furious now. “That’s not true,” I say. And then I realize I’m shouting. I glance at the door, knowing Ayda’s on the other side. “Do you know how hard it was to end it with her?” I ask him. “I didn’t do it for me. I did it for her. And Ayda.”
Dr. Methi snickers, and I realize I’ve never heard him laugh before. Jesus, I want to wring his neck.
“I tried to make her into something she’s not,” I say. “That was wrong. She needs to be free.”
“Oh, that’s perfect.” He writes something on the pad of paper beside him. “You’ve managed to justify it to yourself. How long did it take you to think of that one?”
“No time at all. It’s the truth.”
“No it’s not and you know it. We both know it. And either you start cutting through the bullshit, or you’ll be the one who’s harming your daughter. Not Skyler, not Ayda’s grandmother. You .”
I open my mouth to tell him he’s the one talking bullshit. That he’s wrong, I’m fine. I’m doing what I can to take care of my daughter.
And then I think of her. The way she tried to apologize, over and over again. The way she cooked my family dinner. The way she looked when I told her to leave.
“I’m just trying…” I say, my voice thick.
“Trying to do what?”
I swallow, but there’s a lump in my throat as big as a damn rock. “Trying to make everything right.”
“And how’s that going for you?”
I think of the way Ayda stared at The Salty Dog. The way she keeps trying to go in, and I know the reason why. She wants Skyler.
Fuck, I want Skyler.
I want this all to go away.
“It’s all I know how to do,” I tell him.
“Because somewhere along the way you learned the wrong lesson.”
I look at him, feeling like I’m being punched again. “What lesson?”
“You think you can control everything. You think that if you do that, then everybody will be happy. You’re afraid to let go.”
“Because people get hurt when I do.” There’s a pain in my chest that feels somewhere between being stabbed and having a heart attack.
“Give me an example of when that’s happened.”
He’s making this too easy. “I let Skyler take care of Ayda and she was taken from me.”
“And then what happened?”
“Then she was found and we got her home.”
“And is she hurt? Traumatized? Or is she okay?” he prompts.
“She’s…” I let out a breath. “I don’t know.”
“It ended fine. Yes, it was scary. I get that. But it could have been so much worse. We need to work on Ayda not walking off. We can do that. But her being taken? That wasn’t your fault.” He leans forward. “I’ll say it again but louder. IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.”
“It was her grandmother’s.”
“YES!” Dr. Methi practically claps his hands together. “What’s happening to her anyway?”
“She’s being deported. It’s with the authorities and British Embassy.”
“Good. So it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t Ayda’s fault. You know who else’s fault it wasn’t?”
I close my eyes. “Skyler’s,” I whisper.
“Exactly.” Dr. Methi clears his throat. “You can’t control everything. And you shouldn’t. Your job as a father is to lovingly teach Ayda how to take care of herself. And your job as somebody’s partner… is to understand. Not try to control. Do you get that?”
Every word feels like a jab to my already painful chest. “I do,” I say. “I do.”
“Good.” He inclines his head at the door. “I think that’s enough for today, don’t you?”
I nod, because yes it is. I’m a fucking idiot. A mess.
And I hurt the woman I promised never to hurt. She was so vulnerable that night and I pushed her away to protect myself. Dr. Methi is right, being in control has never been about anybody else. It’s always been about me.
And it’s ruining my life.
I stand and shake his hand, then go out and get Ayda from the receptionist, because I need to think about this. Really fucking think. Ayda smiles happily at me, and I hug her tight.
She pats my face with her hands, like she’s trying to cheer me up, and I have to wince, because she’s hit my bruise right dead center.
“Shall we go home?” I ask her and she nods. “You don’t want ice cream first?” She shakes her head.
Okay then. I take her hand and we walk out into the hallway, and she’s so damn jaunty as she walks it almost makes me smile. It certainly makes me distracted because it’s not until the elevator door pings that I realize it’s open.
And Skyler Brown steps out, looking like a cool fucking drink on a hot day.