Chapter 33
thirty-three
SKYLER
“Are you sure you want to leave?” Jesse asks as the ferry approaches the mainland. He’s not working today but he insisted on traveling with me when I drove to his place to ask if he could look after The Salty Dog while I was gone.
For the whole ride we’ve been sitting on the hood of my car. He’s holding my hand, watching my face warily, like he doesn’t know what to say.
“I’m sure.” I nod. As soon as I woke up this morning I knew I had to get out of here. I can’t think properly, I can barely breathe.
If in doubt, run.
That’s always been my motto. It’s kind of ironic that I’m proving Hudson’s point. I haven’t changed, not like I thought I had.
Still the same old Skyler who can’t stay in one place for long.
“I don’t like it,” he murmurs as we dock. “You could come and stay with me. Are you sure he didn’t say anything to you?”
“Nothing awful. He just made it very, very clear that we’re not compatible. Maybe he’s right.”
Jesse’s jaw tightens. So does his grip on my hand. “I could come with you,” he says. “I feel like I’ve only just found you and now I’m losing you.”
I turn to look at him. Today, with his hair falling over his face, he looks a little like Dad. “You’re not losing me. I just need a few days away from the island to think.”
“Promise me you won’t make any rash decisions,” he says. “That you won’t leave the area without seeing me first.”
I press my lips together, because even though I’m trying so hard not to hurt anybody, it feels like every step I take causes pain to those I love. “I promise,” I say, meaning it. I’ve booked an Airbnb on the mainland. Ironically, it’s on the coast with promised ‘Liberty Views.’
But I know I won’t bump into Hudson there. Or even Autumn, who is so lovely but also his sister and I can’t bear for her to be caught in the middle of this.
“And then?” Jesse asks. People are getting back into their cars. I can see the lines of vehicles on the road ahead, waiting to drive on just as soon as the ferry’s empty. They’re probably excited about a trip to the island. Playing on the beach, walking around the town. A drink at The Salty Dog.
Maybe some of them will stay at the hotel. Maybe they’ll see Hudson Fitzgerald’s stormy face when they’re walking through reception. And they’ll never know what it’s like to make the tightness in his jaw dissolve into a smile. They’ll never know what it’s like to feel him chuckle when your head is resting on his bare chest.
They’ll never know what it’s like to love him.
I touch my stomach, thinking of the tiny cells that are growing there. One of the reasons why I’m leaving is so that I can think about this some more.
It’s also one of the reasons why I know I can’t go far. I’ll need to tell him face to face about the pregnancy. And I’ll need to do it soon.
And then?
Jesse’s question echoes in my mind.
“I have no idea what happens after that,” I say, in answer to him and myself. And for the first time in my whole life, not knowing my future makes me want to throw up.
* * *
“I have chocolate, I have chips, I have whiskey, and I also have a notebook so we can plot the demise of every asshole who’s hurt you, starting with Hudson Fitzgerald.”
Lee strides into the Airbnb that I rented, pulling a little suitcase behind her, looking like she hasn’t just traveled across the entire US to see me.
“What are you doing here?” I ask her, taking in her warm face, her dark hair tied back in a low pony tail. She looks tired and so much like Mom it makes me want to be a child again.
To climb into her lap and sob.
“Jesse called.”
“I only left him four hours ago,” I say. “And I’m pretty sure you can’t get here from California that quickly.”
She lets go of her suitcase and cups my face with her hands, her gaze taking me in like she’s trying to assess my sanity. “I booked a ticket yesterday. After you told me Ayda was missing. You sounded so alone. And then I arrived at the airport and saw I had a missed call from Jesse.”
“What about Cora?” I ask.
“James has her. They’re having some father and daughter time.” She presses her lips together. “And we’re having sister time. Possibly a sibling one if Jesse can make it over.”
“You asked him to join us?” I feel stupidly touched by that. “I thought you didn’t like him.”
“I never said that. I just said I didn’t like the fact that you’d found your home and it wasn’t in California.”
I give her a weak smile. “It turns out I was wrong.”
“Oh honey.” She pulls me into another hug. “Maybe you weren’t wrong. Maybe this situation is.” She takes a deep breath. “Has he called?”
I shake my head.
“That rat bastard.”
“He’s just trying to protect his daughter.” I walk with Lee to the kitchen where she unloads the food she’s brought with her. My stomach gurgles at the sight of the chips. When was the last time I ate? I can’t remember.
But instead of opening them she grabs the whiskey and two glasses, pouring in a generous amount. “Giant’s fingers,” she says. “Two of them.” She passes me one of the glasses.
I stare at it for a moment, trying to figure out how to tell her. “I can’t drink this,” I say, handing it back.
“Of course you can. It tastes like crap but it does the job. And I don’t have to breastfeed for four days, which means I have approximately ninety hours in which to indulge in every vice I can find.” She takes a long sip and then promptly starts coughing.
“Go on,” she says. “The first mouthful is the worst.”
I let out a long breath, looking at my big sister. The one who usually has everything together. She has a job, a husband, a house, a baby. She even did it in the right order.
“I can’t drink whiskey,” I say to her. “Or anything alcoholic, Lee. I’m pregnant.”
* * *
It’s almost ten o’clock. Lee managed one more shot of whiskey before she declared it the drink of the devil and decided to move onto sweet tea. We’re sitting on the porch of the Airbnb I rented for the week, in rocking chairs that make the floorboards beneath us creek every time we move.
We’re only about twenty feet away from the ocean, though there’s no beach here, just cliff and water. The ocean is dark and inky, and Liberty is a little sparkling jewel among the blackness. I’m not good enough at geography to work out exactly where the Captain’s House is on the island, but I know it’s there and I know he’s there.
I feel empty inside. I miss him. I think I might be mourning him.
Mourning the future I thought we’d have together.
“You know you need to tell him,” Lee says out of nowhere. I thought she might be asleep. She left her house in the middle of the night to get here.
“I know.” And I’m not looking forward to it. “I just need to come to terms with it first.”
“How do you think he’ll react?”
“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “I guess I see it going one of two ways. Neither of them seem palatable.”
She shifts in her seat, and a squeaking sound comes from the deck boards. “Are you scared he might be mad?”
“That’s option one. And he has every right to be.”
“You have sex, you play the roulette table,” Lee says. “He wasn’t wearing a condom, was he?”
“No.”
“If he was that worried, he would have been. It takes two, Sky.”
“I know.” I swallow hard. “And the weird thing is, that’s not the worst reaction.”
She tips her head, the moon above us casting a long shadow on her face. “What would be worse?” she asks, crinkling her nose.
“Him wanting us to get back together for the baby.”
“You wouldn’t want that?” Lee asks, like she’s trying to understand me.
“No.” I shake my head. “I wouldn’t want that at all. I don’t want his pity. I don’t want this baby to have to carry that kind of burden. I feel like I’ve messed their life up before it’s even started.”
“You’re keeping it then?” Lee asks, her voice soft.
I blink. “I hadn’t realized it until this moment, but yes. I am.”
She grabs my hand, her face lighting up. “Oh, Sky, you’re gonna be the best mother.”
“Are you kidding me?” I ask her. “The poor kid has the dice loaded against them from the start. I can barely take care of myself let alone a baby. And let’s not even get into what happened the last time I was in charge of a child.”
Lee shoots me a stern look. “That wasn’t your fault. I thought we agreed on this. And you’re not incapable or whatever term you’re telling yourself you are. You own a business. You’re a businesswoman. You have friends who love you, and don’t tell me you don’t because your phone has been ringing all evening with people checking in.
“That was Jesse and Autumn,” I say.
“And Eileen. And Francie, whoever she is.”
“Autumn’s friend.”
“There you go,” Lee says, throwing her hands up like her point is made. “Even your friends friends love you. You’ve got this. You’re ready. You’re the strongest person I know.”
“I’m not strong,” I say.
“Yes you are. You know the strongest tree in the field? It’s not the big one that doesn’t move. One hurricane and that baby would be toppling over in a minute. It’s the flexible one, the one that bends with the breeze, the one that goes with whatever flow there is. That’s you. Your kid is so, so lucky to have you.”
Tears fill my eyes, because it’s so good to see her. I’ve missed her. Maybe I’ve missed her all my life.
“Oh God, I’m going to have a baby,” I whisper, and she laughs.
“Yes you are. And you’re going to be amazing at it.”
* * *
HUDSON
Two days pass before I finally leave Ayda with Autumn for the morning. I have no choice, I have to go to the mainland, but it still kills me to climb into my car knowing she’s with Autumn in the Captain’s House.
Autumn is still not speaking to me, even though she agreed to take care of Ayda, through Parker. I tried calling her for the past few days but I’ve been sent straight to voicemail each time.
I’ll beg for her forgiveness soon. Make peace with her. But today I need to meet with the security company who’s agreed to monitor the ferry.
I arrive at the jetty with less than a few minutes to spare. Cars are already being loaded on, and there’s a procession, mostly of locals who head to the mainland each day for work. There’s less of them than there used to be. Wherever possible I try to employ local people at the hotel and as casual laborers for the construction company working on the new retreat. But there’s enough to make a steady stream onto the boat.
As soon as he sees my car, Jesse scowls. So he’s annoyed with me too.
Join the line, pal.
Once parked on the ferry, I get out of the car, listening to a couple of old timers talking about the weather.
“Rain is coming,” the man nearest me says. “I can feel it in my knee.”
“Jesse,” I call out.
He looks at me. “I’m busy.” He turns to walk away and I follow him. I know he senses me behind him, because he finally turns and huffs. “What the hell do you want?” he asks.
“Have you heard from Skyler?”
His eyes narrow. “That’s none of your business.”
“I just want to know if she’s okay.” I put my hand on his shoulder and he shrugs it off.
“Do you?” he asks. “Do you really?”
“Of course I do. Just because we broke up doesn’t mean I don’t care.” Truth is, I’ve been looking at her name on my phone for the past two days. Wanting to call her. Wanting to hear her voice. Wanting to explain to her that even though I know this is for the best it’s killing me.
That I’ve decided that I won’t have any more relationships. I’m going to be a fucking monk for the rest of my life. It’s easier and it hurts a lot less.
“You didn’t break up with her. You tore her fucking heart out.” Jesse’s eyes narrow. “I told you what I’d do if you hurt her. I told you and you still did it.” He turns to look at me straight on. A man on the edge.
It takes one to know one.
“You want to hit me?” I ask him.
“So fucking bad I can taste it. I want to wipe that smug look off your face. I want to make you hurt the way you hurt her.”
“Then hit me,” I say, my voice thick. “Just do it.”
To my immense surprise he takes me at my word. I barely have a moment to prepare myself before his hard fist connects with my jaw, sending me stumbling back. My teeth bite into my tongue at the impact, and I can taste the blood.
“Fuck,” Jesse breathes. “I’m sorry.”
“Now will you tell me if she’s okay?” I say, the words stumbling over my bitten tongue.
He takes a deep breath. “She’s okay.”
“Where is she?”
A half smile pulls at his lips. “Oh no, you’d have to let me kick you in the balls for that answer.”
Luckily for me, I have some sense of self preservation. “I think I’ll pass on that.” I touch my jaw gingerly. Fuck, it hurts.
“Want me to get you some ice?” Jesse asks. He’s cradling his hand. It gives me a grim sense of satisfaction to know that he gets to suffer a little too.
“It’s fine.”
“You’re not going to sue me, are you?” His eyes widen with alarm. “Shit, if my boss finds out…”
“I’m not going to sue you,” I reassure him. “And nobody’s going to find out.” And because I’m not above blackmail I ask, “Has she left the country?”
“No.”
I let out a long breath. “Good.”
“Is it?”
“Yeah, it is.” I don’t know why, but it is.
“We’re heading into port,” Jesse says, wincing as he flexes his fingers. “Maybe I should stop fighting and actually do my job.”